Lately, I have been poring over a powerful psychological dilemma; the meanings behind attraction, the instinct of one individual to seek solace with another. The main reason I have been bothered by this is that attraction is an instinct, and it is difficult to deny such needs through will alone. I have fallen into this logical pit.
The more I think on it, the more frustrated I feel. There are many reasons why I should not pursue such trivialities. A princess has to run her country, the emotional attachments may affect my duties. My lifespan is beyond any, and I would have to live with the memories for the rest of my life; I already do. Each time, they live and pass on within such a short period, and I am left alone. There is nopony that can understand.
I have found myself attracted to another... I suppose it is normal to have such feelings now and then, but why do they come about, despite all odds to prevent them? Could it be a personal, driving need to simply have somepony? Am I truly so lonely that I desire not to be? Instinct is something that came to mind as before; an ancient instinct of all creatures to seek another.
I think about them daily, even when I do not see them. Already the thoughts take over my mind and distract me during my duties. However, I do not feel at all guilty over doing so. The thought of them drives me, inspires me, and fills a hole within my heart. Should I let these thoughts continue to swim through my mind, giving me a temporary hope? Or do I let go, and proceed with my usual routine? I do not know if my routine is enough for the rest of my life.
My head aches with it all. To attempt a relationship, and if accepted, at least fifty years of happiness; perhaps, just as many of pain afterward. However, I realized something major... Being together with somepony is not just about me. I have to think about them, as well. For the rest of their life, they would know that I would love them, and after death, never forget them for as long as I exist. That may very well be a long time. Am I able to withstand the after-effect once more for telling my special somepony how I felt about them, providing them solace for the rest of their existence and beyond?
I certainly have never forgotten anypony that I have been with, and I miss them all. Is it wrong to violate an oath of faithfulness to one after their death? No, I remember... Everypony I have been close to told me in their later years that with my long life, I should never be alone. Perhaps I should listen to them... and pursue love once more.
I feel quite foolish at the moment; every time I begin feeling attracted to another pony, I go through all of the same thoughts. The cycle of frustration is neverending, but I suppose there is very little I can do about the matter... It is instinct, and such will to deny it is far beyond my own mental grasp, and likely anypony else's.
I have been reading through my most recent diary entries to see how my feelings have progressed. I cannot help but notice that since meeting them, my entries involving them seem to become increasingly frequent and detailed. I just wish it would not always be the same...
It is something I do not enjoy admitting, but... Anypony that knew me and would be alive long enough would realize that I have become closely attached and attracted to each one of my personal students.