“Are you ready?” said Rainbow Dash, rubbing her hooves together.
"I’m ready!” Scootaloo shouted back gleefully.
"Are you psyched?” Dash continued.
“I’m psyched!” answered Scootaloo.
“Are you PUMPED?”
“I’m so FREAKIN’ PUMPED!”
“Can we just get on with it already?” said Applebloom, annoyed.
Suddenly, there was a HUGE explosion from deep within the cave, hurling the berries or whatever way out into the air. As the noise died down, they could begin to hear a deep, dramatic rumbling coming from the depths of the dark cavern. It got louder and louder, until finally an awesome flaming motorcycle rocketed out of the cave mouth! Riding it was a massive barbarian warrior, bristling with weapons and spinning a morning-star in the air. He ramped off a rock, flying over the party’s heads in super slow-motion, then turned the bike into a power-slide as he landed, screeching to a stop.
“I heard tell,” he said, removing his sunglasses, “that someone has need of Bloodcrusher Killthrust!”
“Whoa…” said Scootaloo, her eyes as wide as saucers. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle exchanged a look.
“How the heck do ya crush blood?” said Applebloom, doubtfully, “It’s a liquid.”
“You shouldn’t have a motorcycle in the medieval epoch,” Sweetie Belle astutely noted, “It’s not thematically accurate.”
“You’re never gonna stop waving that vocabulary test grade in our faces, are you?” Scootaloo grumbled at her.
Sweetie Belle stuck out her tongue. “It’s not my fault that I did better than you.”
Killthrust ignored them and dismounted his magically powered and totally period-appropriate vehicle. “I’ve just returned from defeating the fire daemons of the Lower Reaches, but I believe I will require some assistance in my next epic adventure!”
“Alright,” said Applebloom, deciding to play along, “what do you want us to do?”
Killthrust grinned, crossing his muscular arms. “King, uh… Ronnie… has been kidnapped by ninjas!” he said, pulling out his axe-sword-tar and playing a few power chords, “Are you bad enough dudes to save the King?”
“Aw, yeah!” said Scootaloo, pumping her fists in the air.
“Sure, that sounds like it could be fun.” Sweetie Belle said diffidently.
“Then we will be off!” Killthrust threw down a smoke bomb, enveloping the party in an acrid cloud. When it cleared, they were standing in a desolated, pock-marked plain. Lava pools and rocky spires surrounded them, and peals of thunder ripped through the dark and tumultuous sky.
“How did you do that, Killthrust?” said Grimstar, waving the remaining tendrils of smoke from his face, “Barbarians can’t make use of teleportation spells!”
“I think you’ll find that barbarians do whatever they please!” Killthrust told the wizard, “Anyway, there’s no time to talk. A dragon is attacking!” Appearing seemingly out of nowhere, a terrible red and black dragon roared ferociously at the party.
“For Ponyville!” Scootaloo shouted as she led her friends forward. They charged up to the dragon’s massive fore-foot and attacked it savagely, but their weapons bounced harmlessly off of the scaly hide. It flicked its claw, sending Applebloom flying across the sun-baked clay of the plain.
“No fair!” she said after she slid to a stop, “This dragon’s too hard!”
“Nonsense,” said Killthrust, “You just have to know how to fight it!”
The barbarian leapt at the dragon, landing on its enormous snout and grabbing hold before it could shake him free. Wedging his foot in its horrific maw and gripping its upper jaw in his powerful hands, he levered the beast’s mouth open, his bulging muscles rippling with the effort. He took a glass vial from his belt and uncorked it with his teeth, its contents fizzing violently upon being exposed to air. Finally, he tossed the potion down the dragon’s gullet and jumped away, rolling as he hit the ground.
The dragon looked around for a moment, confused, until the potion reacted and exploded it from the inside. A blazing column of fire stood where the dragon once was, as its entrails fell on the party like rain.
“Looks like that dragon…” Killthrust said, putting his sunglasses back on, “…wasn’t fireproof!”
“Yeah…” Applebloom said uncertainly, wiping guts out of her eyes, “I don’t know how I feel about pretendin’ to kill dragons, since we know one in real life.”
“No time for that,” said Killthrust, “this battle has not concluded yet!” He pointed west, where an enormous army of orcs massed.
“A whole army?” Scootaloo blanched.
“That’s not all!” said Killthrust. East of them, ranks of skeletons chittered to each other as they marched forward in a flanking maneuver. A throng of frost giants advanced from the north, carving through the ground like glaciers. The party attempted to move south, but they were cut off by a horde of giant spiders. Suddenly, the ground beneath their feet cracked open, and hundreds of balrogs emerged!
“Stand your ground, warriors!” Killthrust shouted above the din, “Today is a good day to die!”
“No it isn’t!” said Sweetie Belle, horrified, “Today is a terrible day to do that!”
“That’s quite enough of this foolishness!” said Grimstar. He put his fingers to his lips and whistled, high and loud. A flock of giant eagles appeared from above, swooping down to pick up each of the heroes in turn. They flew off towards the horizon, leaving the monsters below to fight amongst themselves.
“Is it over?” Fluttershy asked, poking her head out from under the couch cushions.
“I’ll say it is.” Twilight said, looking at Dash crossly, “How could you possibly think that was a good encounter for level-one players?”
“Yeah, not cool, Dash!” said Scootaloo, narrowing her eyes.
A freshly prepared tea service levitated into the room, followed closely by Rarity. “What’s going on?” she asked.
“Rarity!” tattled Sweetie Belle, “Rainbow Dash is trying to kill us!”
“Seriously, Dash?” Rarity eyed the pegasus sardonically, “I leave for five minutes and you try to kill my sister?”
“I was just trying to make it cool…” Dash said, her ego stinging.
“Well, it wasn’t!” Applebloom scolded, “It was just a buncha explosions an’ stuff!” She turned to her big sister on the couch, “Why don’t you try it, Applejack? I bet you could show us how it’s done!”
“No way, forget it.” said Applejack, firmly, “I’m good at a lot a’ stuff, but I don’t know nothin’ about masterin’ no dungeons.” Applebloom looked disappointed.
“How about you, Rarity?” asked Sweetie Belle, hopefully, “You’re the most creative pony I know! Maybe even in all of Equestria!”
“Well, I’m not sure about that.” said Rarity, blushing from the compliment. “Though, now that I think about it, there is a scenario I’ve wanted to try out for some time.”
Rainbow Dash reluctantly joined the other failed DMs on the couch, Twilight moving to the floor to make room for her. Rarity carefully set the tea service down on the end table and took her place.
She cleared her throat, covering her mouth politely, “Ahem…”