This is the part where I wake up in my bed at 7am on Friday, but I have to be fresh, so I go downsta-...
No, I woke up on the most obnoxious tree in the history of ever. I say that because of the generous lump I was laying on known as a root. I slowly got my feet, wondering what I drank. Then remembering I was underage. Then wondering why my thoughts drifted to drinking at my age. I was a confuddled mess. After stumbling around aimlessly -and by stumbling I mean I literally tripped 8 times- I sat down by a calm yet bubbling brook, a nice sunrise, birds chirping and wild panther-esque animal. "Well," I thought, ignoring the wild cat, "At least I have fresh water." I chuckled as I thought of Bear Grylls drinking his urine. "Shite," I thought, acknowledging the wild cat, "I don't have time to drink it."
Commence the running.
Boy scout training taught me-... Yes, I was a boy scout when I was younger. You're laughing with me, I'm sure. However, my laugh is in the form of a firm middle finger frantically pointing up. Nevertheless, the boy scouts taught me two things! How to tie a decent knot in 18 different ways! Also how to climb a tree. "That'll never be useful," said the 8 year old dumbass in me, "I will never ever be stranded in the woods. I'll live a nice city life." Well, you either climb the fucking tree or get booted out, so I climbed that sucker. Comically dodging the cat and letting it smack into the tree head-first was funny, but you don't exactly laugh then and there, so "Hah, take that puss!" I taunted, climbing up the tree. I looked back to taught the little shit again but IT WAS RIGHT BEHIND ME. Quick thinking time! Cats climb trees! Cats can't get down! Jump, little Jase! Jump! I jumped right off a branch and tucked and rolled on the ground. (Protip: Jumps from high heights hurt even after tucking and rolling. (Fuck you, EA and Mirror's Edge.))
After the swelling in my ankle reached the maximum it could without exploding, I confirmed I had sprained my ankle. Badly. Yeah, this was going to take some ice. Maybe even some aloe! I limped along the brook, leaving the cat in the tree. (Stupid feline.) As I walked, I thought to myself, "Am I really in Equestria?" or other totally normal thoughts like, "Did someone stalk me, trick me, rape me, and leave me in a forest somewhere?" Well considering I lived in NEW YORK CITY, I didn't think there would be a lot of forests big enough to dump stupid, crazy, non-bronies. Then I did think that there were definitely enough rapists. I traversed the land for an all of... I really want to say 10 minutes before stopping again. My inner voi- "Discord" was back.
"What the-? Oh damnit, not this again. I'm so crazy."
"I hate you thinking your crazy, because it involuntarily calls me crazy and I'm NOT crazy."
"That doesn't make sense."
"See? I'm catching the crazy. I'm coming out of your head." I felt a small tugging on my hair, and poof! A faded image of a classy human appeared in front of me. Well, when a mommy and a daddy- Rather, when a human comes out of your skull, you tend to freak out. Lord can only imagine what I did...
I sat down and pretended to sip coffee. What? I figured coffee would just poof into my han-
"How many lumps?" Asked the classy human whom I was dubbing "Nigel" for no particular reason.
"Fuck you, Bugs Bunny!" I shouted as I threw my hands up and ran... about 4 inches, then collapsed from the pain in my ankle.
"Well now," began the Discordant Nigel as he inspected my ankle, "What have you done? Taken from the cat and the tree, you face-planted to avoid death."
"People tend to do that. Where the fuck are we?" Then the totally normal question from before egging at the back of my head, "Did you rape me?" Disgel looked taken aback. He then spoke in a decent cliche black lady accent. "I could do soo much bettuh den you."
"Fair enough," I nodded genuinely, "So... Wonda? You've got some 'splainin' to do!" I gestured all around. Nigcord smirked and began to tell me the enthralling tale of what happened.
"You see, whatever-your-name-is, I was looking for your friend, Alex. I got you instead. Now he's told you about My Little Pony? That show he likes? Well, you're here! Now, since I focused half my chaotic magic on pre-turning your friend into something, so he would transform when he arrived, and half of it on getting you here, looks like you're stuck as a human for a while. If not forever."
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"Not if you want to fit in."
"I thought there where other humans."
"Yes, disguised as other creatures. We try our best to keep thorough humans out of this over here."
"Why, where are we?" I'm not very bright.
"EQUESTRIA, YOU-" he sighed, "You're in Equestria. Here, let me help with that." He tapped the ground and a dim light trailed to my enlarged foot and healed my ankle. "Thanks!" I exclaimed, getting up. "You know, Alex said you were a villain, but you seem like a good guy to me."
"Oh, Jason..." He patted me on the head awkwardly, before continuing, "Now, since all the other humans here have talents as other animals, and you are particularly good at nothing other than video games," I scowled, maybe he was a villain, I don't know. "say the first video game, flash animation, and movie you think of. Go!" Discord the Nigel disappeared and my mind locked onto the three things it thought of. Literally, I couldn't think of anything else for a few seconds. Suddenly, Nigel the Discord appeared behind me and shouted into my ear in an obnoxious announcer voice, "The results are in!" He held up three cards and read them silently, frowning more and more as he went. "Darn." He announced gloriously, as he hung his head. It was glorious for me, at least. Even though, I didn't even remember what I thought of 10 seconds ago. "Video game," he began, "Skyrim. Flash animation: Shock. Movie: How to Train You Dragon- This isn't fair!"
"Why? What did I do!?"
He sighed again, "The rules I made are, you get the powers your subconsciousness chose. That way, you don't really control it."
"So I get..." I pointed to my throat and he nodded slowly, "And..." I reluctantly made a kung-fu stance and he nodded even more slowly, "And I can tame DRAGONS!?" I don't know if you have pieced this together about me or not, I'm telling you. I fucking love dragons. Not that way, I just mean they are incredibly awesome. And steak. I fucking love steak. Discord nodded yet again, but only so faintly that I had to stare to notice. "Well," he began, "I can't always be the good guy, so... You can only talk to dragons. They don't just automatically like you. Fair enough?"
"fair enough." I whispered to no one, because at this point, he shoved me so far up into Cloud Nine I officially didn't give a shit about anything. I could talk to dragons! Befriend one, kill Bandits, -and if I needed to- call for DRAGON BACKUP! Balls yeah! Then Discord brought out the vacuum and sucked me off of Cloud Nine. "Oh look," he muttered nonchalantly , clearly enjoying this to much, "Puss-puss got down!"
(Author's Note: I am a grammar Nazi who wrote this at 3am. So naturally, I hate spelling incorrectly, or missing words. If you see any spelling errors, feel free to tell me in the comments section. Or, if you're feeling lucky, contact me at "firstname.lastname@example.org" Thanks a bunch, and stay tuned!)