"Hello Bruce. I'm Dr. Clear Sight." The yellow unicorn and I were sitting across from each other in the Cake's kitchen, again. Every time something serious comes up, it's in the kitchen here. "I'd like to talk to you about, well, you."
Dr. Sight looked at me with a gentle smile, the same one I had come to equate to Spring's condescending attitude. It was just as irritating on him as it had been on her. His blue mane was cropped fairly short and he had a small stack of paperwork next to his hoof. A folder lifted off the top, encircled by his yellowish aura of magic.
"Not here." I put my hoof down heavily, emphasizing my words. I would be damned before I started to make the kitchen 'serious town.'
"What?" He blinked is orange eyes at me in slight confusion. The folder wobbled a bit before setting back down.
"Not here." I thumped the table again. "Every time something serious comes up, it's in this room. I want to talk somewhere else." I sat back, my forehooves crossed and my face set in a determined frown. Or maybe I just looked pouty.
"Uhm, well alright." Dr. Sight looked around a bit as if searching for a better place. Nothing came to mind evidently. "Did you have a place in mind?"
"Nope, just not here." Ok, I was being pouty.
"Well, how about ... Pound was it?" I arched my eyebrow at him. Of course he would know about who lived here and who didn't. "Pound's room?" I shrugged.
"Sure, better than the filly's room I guess."
We managed to slip through the party fairly easily. I caught sight of Pinkie about three steps from the staircase. Her hair was mostly straight and while she was trotting around making sure everyone was having a good time, it was obvious she wasn't. I sighed and, after catching her attention, gave her a reassuring grin and a wave. She blinked at me for a second before a huge grin broke out across her face and her hair poofed out with an almost audible 'sproing' noise. Feels good, man.
Upstairs and ... wait, this room seems familiar.
"This is Pound's room?" The bright blue lacey place was Pound's room?! Wh-why? How? What?
"Uhm, yes?" Dr. Sight tilted his head in confusion behind me, looking between the room and me. The stack of folders levitated next to him. They glowed slightly in his yellowish aura.
"But, it's ... it's so ... it's frilly." The soccer balls made more sense now but the flowers made less. And the lace! Lace everywhere! The curtains had lace, the bedspread had lace, even the socks sticking out of the drawers had lace! Boy socks aren't supposed to be lacey!
"Well, it is a colt's room." Dr. Sight seemed not even to notice all the lace. "Quite a gorgeous room actually. A bit messy but foals will be foals."
"But ... but," my mind tried to come to grips with the weirdness of it all. Talking ponies, boys-in-lace, magic ... ya know what? Screw it. "Ok, fine. Whatever. I'm so numb to shock and confusion I'd be worried if I didn't feel that way. So, what do you want to talk about?"
I trotted into the room shaking my head. Dr. Sight rose an eyebrow at my statement and watched me as I struggled to get onto the bed. Hey, it was the only thing in the room to sit on. With a shake of his own head, he came in and nudged me onto the mattress. Great, another pony sticking their nose up my butt. Gingerly and with ease - I noticed, jealously - he jumped into bed across from me. As he leapt up, I caught a flash of his cutie mark, a caduceus interposed on what seemed to be some form of crystal ball. Yeah, medical something alright. I'm going to ask about how pony names and cutie marks relate because his sure as hell didn't seem to.
"You, Bruce. I want to get to know you. Where are you from sweetie?" With a slight glow from his horn, the top folder - once again - lifted off the stack and opened in front of him. I noticed that it was facing away from me. Eh, head-docs and their notes.
"I was born in San Francisco, California, in the United States of America." He didn't even blink. He didn't write anything down either, though a pencil was hovering not a few inches from his side. Where'd he get that pencil from anyway? From his lack of reaction, I'm guessing Spring told him all about me. "However, my father was in the military so we moved a lot. I ended up in Nashville after some shuffling about and that's where I've lived the last, oh, dozen years or so."
"Yes, I see. How often did you move?" While his questions were blunt, he kept his voice light and really-too-sweet for a stallion. It reminded me of a pre-school teacher. Simple questions too.
"Often enough, didn't want anyone to think I was sleeping on the job ya know?" He looked over his notes at me, an eyebrow quirked. "What? Didn't want to get fired."
"Uh-huh." He paused to scribble some notes down. I sat opposite him, grinning. "So, you had a bit of a nomadic life then?"
"Isn't that what ponies normally do? Wander about, eat the grass, that sorta thing?" I waved one hoof around, as if to indicate the area. Earth ponies were nomadic! Course, early humans were nomadic too so, eh.
"Uhm, no dearie." He sat across from me, his brow furrowed in worry as he scribbled in his little folder. Take notes on me, will you? I'll give you something to write about.
"Well, why not?" Dr. Sight blinked in confusion, looking between me and his folder. I just grinned at him in that really irritating way. As if I had a lot to say but wasn't saying it.
"Uhm, because ..." he waved a hoof, trying to articulate something, before shaking his head. "Anyway, what about your family?"
"What about them? Screw those guys, they're jerks." They are! My whole family is filled with jerks, me included. You don't give a kid a Sega Genesis for his twelfth birthday and not give him any games! That's just cruel.
"Y-you don't like your family?" For some reason, the very thought that I might not like my family filled Dr. Sight's face with sadness. D'awww. I can't let that stand.
"No, I love them to death." At the phrase, his eyebrows shot up and he scribbled in his little folder. "Doesn't mean they're not jerks." It doesn't. They might be jerks but they're family, ya know? Can't pick your family. Their noses, on the other hand ... well, let's just say I've tried and despite the protests, you can pick those.
"I see ... how many mares were in your herd?" WHAT?! I sat there, with a look of confused horror on my face for a good half minute before he even noticed I wasn't answering. SERIOUSLY?! Herds? What is this, some third-world country like Iran or Utah? After half a moment, he looked at me from above his levitating folder, one eye quirked.
"...really?" I squeaked out. All I could think about was Twilight and friends in Arabic-style belly dancer outfits around a raised platform with Blueblood on top - of all ponies. It was not a pleasant image and it took a few good shakes of my head to get it out, get it out, oh god please make the hurting stop.
"Uhm, what?" Dr. Sight said as he just kept looking at me. With those weirdly big eyes. God, I was getting used to them. At least they weren't some kinda faceted bug-eye things. That'd just make me go kill myself. I finally managed to banish the mental mind-rape of Blueblood and Applejack in a oh god not again, not again, stop stop stop STOP!
"...one. Not counting my sisters," I gasped out, trying to get the conversation moving away from There Where Madness Lay.
"Ooookay, monogamists." My turn to quirk an eyebrow. They had a name for those that had the whole nuclear family one-male-one-female type of lifestyle. Which implied it was odd. Which implied this whole world was full of sex-crazed ponies. Grrrrrreat. "Ok, well, did, uhm, did your parents have a good relationship?" I leapt at the chance to move the conversation away from sex-crazed ponyland.
"Not really, my mother left dad for another woman when I was about 8 or so. Mare. Whatever." I looked away, seemingly disinterested. My life, my insanity - these things seemed normal to me. Hell, my whole screwed up family life was normal compared to ponyland's harems. Yeek.
"... oh my. I so sorry sweetie." Sorry? I looked at the stallion sitting across from me, my face confused. He seemed really ... worried. Why ... no. No, that is Where Madness Lay again. Let's keep things out of crazy-town, shall we?
"Yeah, well, she had issues." I shrugged. "Don't we all?"
"That's, uhm, that's different." He scribbled even more down. Seriously, what is with these ponies? It's not like my life was really all that nutters compared to most other human lives. They're acting like this was some massive family shame almost.
"Normalcy is for the boring." My Life Motto.
"...explains a bit," he mumbled under his breath. I caught it but thought I'd give him the opportunity to say it to my face. Jerk.
"What?" I tried to sound threatening but in my new squeaky colt voice, it came out ... different. I think it sounded more hurt. He glanced at me slightly shocked, as if he didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I glowered back. Yeah, I don't really care about your opinion of me at this point doc.
"Nothing, sorry." He had the good graces to look sorry. I let it slide, my face reverting to disinterest again. Questions and more questions. Booooorrrring. "Well, what about your sisters?" I cleared my throat.
"More information is required before this query can be completed," I sing-songed as computer-y as I could make my voice. Wow, this little colt voice had a delightful range. I'm no singer but this colt could perform a solo and make it sound good. The doctor stared at me in confusion, his mouth hanging open. I rolled my eyes. Good acting is lost on these ponies, I swear.
"Details, man! I need to know more about what you want to know." I waved a hoof, for some reason. Argh, I was getting really antsy too. Like I wanted to get up and move. Since I knew my mind was being affected by my body, I kinda guessed it was youthful energy and fought down the urge to just get up and pace. But just barely.
"Uh, we-well, how old were they?" Simple questions from simple minds. Let's make him think a bit.
"Plus two and minus three." I smiled smugly. He blinked back at me, confused.
"My age plus two and my age minus three," I explained with a roll of my eyes. Seriously. These ponies are boring as hell.
"And you're ... thirty-two?" Finally, he got it right!
"Ding-ding-ding! You've answered correctly, let's see what you've won!" I stood up on my hindhooves, waving my forehooves about slightly as if I was showing something off. My face was full of wonderment and joy. He looked at me, worried. "Nothing. Because it's not that hard to get." With a bounce, I lay back down, my face once again emotionless.
"Oook." I think I confused him. Cause that's so different than what I've been doing thus far, ya know? "So eleven and six-ish?"
"No." I facehooved. So close and yet ... "Thirty-four and ... hang on." I furrowed my own brow as I did some simple math. Man, I need to work on my everything, I can't even remember simple math anymore! I really hope that's not a sign of things to come. Foreshadowing, so help me god, I will kill you if it is. "Twenty nine. No ... yes! Yes. What? It's been ages since I did actual math without a calculator." Dr. Sight stared at me for a little bit before scribbling some things down in his now several-pages long notes folder.
"...ok, how was your relationship with them?" I think I broke him. All that 'dearie' and 'sweetie' crap was dropped a little bit ago and now he's just trying to get information quickly so he can get the heck out of here. Get out of here Doctor.
"My older sister is cool. Really level head on her. Bit of a love-hate relationship with old dad but, hey, physical abuse'll do that." That got a blink. And an open-mouth stare. But I want to be honest, so I will be. "My little sister is fuuu-messed up. Lotsa issues, some of them real ... touchy, ya know?"
"...touchy?" Dr. Sight squeaked, his yellow pelt paling slightly.
"Sure, sexual abuse'll do that." I am going to be honest, damn it! Even if it touches on some ... icky things. Icky, eurgh. Yeah, well, bad things happen. That's life innit?
"... oh my." He was paling. I didn't know yellow could get that grey. "Did she, uhm, and you ... ?" Ah, bugger. Erugh, let me be upfront: we were both really, really young. Really. Really young. And, eh, we ... my god, this is embarrassing. I blushed and looked away, refusing to meet his big giant weird eyes. For a moment, it was quiet. Not even the scratch of the pencil.
"... we were young and confused, I don't want to talk about it." Yeah. Uhm, this is awkward and I'm not at all proud of what I did as a stupid kid.
"... oh my." Breathe, doc, breathe. You're looking kinda monochrome.
"Eh, stupid kids'll do stupid things. And man I was one stupid kid." Yes, yes I was. I'm very glad that we were both mature enough to discuss ... that after a few years. And we never did blame each other. As much as I may disagree with my little sis, I love her and I'm glad we were able to be ok with the craziness of our youth.
"... oh my ... oh dear." Monochrome Sight was scribbling down tons by this point in time, the scrach-scratch of his pencil was almost a drone. I'm surprised he hasn't needed to sharpen ... oh wait, there were two worn pencils next to him on the bed. Never mind. "Uhm, wh-where are they now?"
"Uhhh, Montana for the older and ... I think Utah for the younger? We haven't really talked much. As I said, issues. Besides, my little sis's kid's dad ... he has issues too." I told her, I told her! He wasn't for her but did she listen? Nooooo, she was 'in love.' Pfft. She was in lust and she knew it.
"Oh my, oh dear." Dr. Sight was looking over his notes with wide eyes. Something seemed amiss in ponyland. "Uhm, sweetie? Why don't you go downstairs and, uhm, mingle a bit? I have, uhm, things I need to take care of. You know us adults and our paperwork!"
"Yeah, yeah." Spring tired that on me, Clear. And can you stop with the 'sweetie' crap, it's really bizarre. "Hey, can I get a copy of all those notes? I'd like to see what y'all are thinking about me."
"Bruce, please, this is very important. I, I need to contact the Ministry." Evidently, things were about to get interesting. I realized that I didn't want to have anything to do with their insanity.
"Eh, whatever." With a shrug, I tumbled off the bed again. After reassuring Dr. Sight I was fine, I happily trotted out of the bedroom, my tail held high. After a few steps down the dim hallway, I tucked my tail back down. Geez, being naked was weird enough without winking at everyone behind me.
He's a pretty cool guy.