Chapter 7. Where Eagles Dare.
Spy’s situation was looking grim at the moment. He was captured by the three ponies known as Scootaloo, Applebloom, and Sweetie Belle. They appeared to refer to themselves as the ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders’. Spy would easily be able to overpower them, but a gentleman such as himself would not find the need to resort to such violent actions. The bigger ponies were already way too cute to harm, but these were just children! Never would Spy even consider lowering himself to the level of filth that would dare to harm innocent defenseless children. Either human or pony, it didn’t matter.
With that being said, he received a severe beating from the young fillies. They were able to kick devastatingly hard for such tiny beings. The pain he endured was bearable, but the humiliation he suffered was not.
Spy was going to have to consider plan B. He already figured out they weren’t going to buy another faked death with the use of his Dead Ringer. Oh no, he was going to have to be really clever to outsmart these young ponies.
“Alright Mr. Alien! Where are the hats that you stole from my big sister?” Sweetie Belle asked.
It would appear that they were not interested at all in the fact that they had been able to capture the world’s greatest Spy. Apparently, they only cared about retrieving the hats that the Frenchmen took.
“FOOLS! Do you truly zhink you can keep me imprisoned here as a common dog? I zhink not!” Spy replied as he had no intention ever to return the precious newly acquired hats.
It was now or never. He had to forget about his pride for a moment, try to distract the fillies, and cut himself loose with his trusty butterfly knife. After that, he had to fake the ponies into thinking that he was running away, go invisible in a corner, and walk away with the grand prize in all the confusion. That ridiculously oversized top hat.
Brilliant! Now he just needed to come up with a distraction. This task would surely require all of Spy’s skills.
“Gentle- I mean… Little ponies. What vould be ze mo-” Spy was interrupted.
“Cut the foal’s play, mister! Where are those darned hats?!” Scootaloo asked as she slapped the Frenchmen in the face.
Okay, this wasn’t going good at all. These ponies were tougher than they look. They drove a hard bargain, that was for sure. Anyway, it was time for plan C.
… There was no plan C! This was very unfortunate. It also meant that this was the end of the Spy.
He’d never fight a defenseless child… or animal. And he’d rather die than give up on his hats, even though that didn’t make any sense. It was a good life, indeed. Too bad it had to end like this. Better to finish it quickly before they were able to embarrass the Frenchman even more.
He already had the Ambassador revolver equipped. He slowly raised the gun aiming towards his own face.
“SWEETIE BELLE! What are you doing?!” Suddenly a fourth familiar voice shouted. It was Rarity, the older sister of the one named Sweetie Belle.
Chance! Spy thought.
“Oh, Rarity! Look, we finally captured the snake-alien I was talking about earlier! I told you he was real. He’s the one that messed up your room and stole the hats!” Sweetie Belle explained.
“What foulness!” Spy stated. “Mademoiselle, I assure you zhat a gentlemen like myself vould never lower himself to committing thievery and vandalism!” He added.
Rarity would describe what she saw in front of her as a monster. But she couldn’t because he was too well-dressed to hold such an ugly title. Yet, she wasn’t that surprised seeing as how Twilight and Applejack dropped by a few minutes ago explaining the situation and asked her to be on the lookout for a certain chain-smoking masked alien-human. It looked like she found him! And his accent was nice and fancy by the way. Rarity liked that.
“Girls… Could you three please leave the room?” Rarity asked the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
“WHAT! But what if he escapes again! He’s a slithery snake, that’s what he is!” Sweetie Belle said.
“Yeah! You’ll need our help kicking his alien flank!” Scootaloo added.
“Like we say in the Apple family, if ya do something, ya gotta do it right.” Applebloom said.
“Girls, please. I can handle this!” Rarity shooed the three young fillies away much to their disappointment.
Spy was now alone in the room with this larger white unicorn. “Mon Dieu!” Spy wasn’t sure what this pony was planning. Luckily, he already took this opportunity to make some cuts around the net that was still imprisoning him. But he didn’t have enough time to completely cut through the ropes.
“You…” Rarity said with a deep sinister tone.
Spy started choking up a bit. This could be an extremely dangerous situation. For all he knew, unicorns would be able to incinerate everything around them with just the power of their mind. Act cautiously, that’s what he had to do next. Perhaps even the Dead Ringer was completely useless against the colorful pony’s magic. But the Frenchman was ready… no matter what she might throw at him.
“You… You’re suit is astonishing, divine and simply amazing! It’s something straight out of this world!” Rarity stated.
Spy sighed again, but now with relief. The unicorn didn’t seem hostile at all. In fact, she was rather amazed by Spy’s attire. For good reasons obviously.
“Oui. Fashion is extremely important to a man of my stature.” Spy said.
“Oh, but of course! Just look at the stitching. It’s remarkable! The color brings out your eyes beautifully! Oh, and what are those?” Rarity asked.
“Zhat vould be my pants.” Spy answered.
“Interesting… Please, tell me more of these strange human designs!”
“In due time, mademoiselle. But as you can see… I am in quite a sticky situation.” Spy pointed out that he was still trapped inside the net.
“Ah… Of course! How rude of my younger sister to treat a guest like this. Let me help you with that.” Rarity used her magic to levitate the net away from Spy.
“Hehehe… Muawha…HAHAHAHA!” Spy started laughing maniacally the moment he was released. Rarity didn’t even question him about the hats. Now Spy would try not to let her remember this fact.
“Care for some tea?” Rarity asked completely ignoring the fact Spy was snorting like a pig just seconds ago.
“Oui.” He replied calmly once again.
“Good! You can tell me all about your fascinating human fashion then!”
“… And you’re paying me for the hats you stole.” Rarity added.
Spy face palmed. He knew it was too good to be true. Good things never happened to him as well. “What a disaster.” He sighed.
“Oh, don’t complain, you! I’ll give you a good discount as well. You should just be glad I didn’t even call the guards.” Rarity stated.
Little did Rarity know that Spy had no money at all, not even currency from his own world anymore, as his restaurant where he invested all of his savings was blown up by Demoman’s plane.
They proceeded to have tea next and discuss some completely unrelated things. Nothing out of the usual happened…
Canterlot. Royal Palace.
Both Princess Celestia and Luna were able to drive away the robots that were roaming around Canterlot. Some exploded due to overexposure to the sun, but most were thrown off of the mountain, and into the Everfree Forest where they wouldn’t be able to harm anypony. Princess Celestia had explained to her sister what she had learned after her encounter with the Australian named Saxton Hale.
“So you’re saying that you’ve just let the human that had answers get away?” Luna asked.
“Well, yes. He was pretty convincing about things and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I know that he shows no threat to us, magic-wise. But that man has some… strange powers. Besides, he said he was going to return as soon as he was able with to proceed with more information.” Celestia explained.
“And he just orders us to babysit these nine murderous humans in Ponyville? It’s ridiculous, sister! What could he possibly be doing that’s more important than the safety of our entire world?” Luna asked again.
“He told of a strange device that could recreate those who have fallen in combat. This device is the only thing the humans seem to care about. But then he started talking about ninjas and cyborgs… I think he was exaggerating slightly with the dangers that he would be facing, but I’m sure he’ll proceed with great haste.” Celestia answered.
Meanwhile at a different place.
Saxton Hale had suddenly found himself in an unfamiliar area. But this was definitely the place where the Administrator had sold the Respawn. He wasn’t certain where he was exactly, or if he was even still on Earth, but it was dangerous without a doubt. The best he could describe this place was like this.
It was a giant arena filled with nothing but ninjas, cyborgs, busty women and monstrous creatures. They also seemed slightly obsessed with the letter ‘K’.
In the middle of this arena was a large man that was lazily sitting on a throne, overlooking what was going on around him. It should be noted that this man’s face could not be seen due to the awesome warlord helmet which featured a skull like design with a long crest at the forehead.
“TEST YOUR MIGHT!” A voice suddenly shouted, seemingly coming out of nowhere. After that, a fast paced catchy tune started playing. Man… The music made you want to find a baby seal and punch it straight in the face.
Saxton Hale liked this place. Looks like stuff’s about to get bloody real soon! Just as he wished! There was the first challenger right now.
“GET OVER HERE!” A masked ninja with black and yellow attire shouted. He had white soulless eyes and carried two small blades on his back. He proceeded to throw a kunai attached to a sturdy chain towards the Australian.
“BRAAAAVE GRAB!” Saxton grabbed the small knife before it reached his shirtless body. He pulled his challenger directly to him and landed a devastating punch right to his chin, knocking the ninja’s mask off.
This was a pretty bad idea, Saxton Hale guessed, as he noticed the ninja’s head was nothing but a skull where its eyes were suddenly surrounded by intense flames.
“Sweet jumping kangaroos! Your head is on fire, Skeletor!” Saxton gladly pointed out this fact.
The ninja was impressed by the sheer power of this man’s single punch and decided to hold off his attack for now. He quickly put the mask back on. He then turned towards the giant man who now stood up from his throne at this moment.
“FINISH HIM!” The man shouted.
“Now wait just a minute, pal! I’m here just to buy the Respawn device back from you guys.” Saxton explained.
“You speak of the device that could reanimate the dead?” The challenging ninja asked.
“Hmm… Something like that, yes.”
“It is no longer here. The leaders didn’t want to rely on technology anymore. So they turned to darker magic created in the Netherrealm. I am just their servant.” The ninja explained.
“Okay… Then where is it now?” Saxton wondered.
“I’m afraid that does not matter anymore. Your fate was sealed the moment you entered this realm. No one may leave this place alive.”
Saxton proceeded to gently stroke his mustache. This would calm him down usually.
“Tell me, Skeletor. If my guess is as good as I think it is… That big guy on the throne over there is the final boss, right?” He asked.
“Your strength is admirable… But you do not stand a chance against the Emperor of Outworld. His powers consist of superhuman strength, magic, and many other dangerous techniques. Do not attempt anything foolish and learn to accept your fate.” The ninja stated.
“YOU WEAK PATHETIC FOOLS. You fail to amuse me, and therefore I will take all your souls!” The giant man finally got off his throne and started walking towards the ninja and Saxton. He carried a large mace with him.
And with that the giant man was beaten! He was launched miles away by the impact of Saxton’s monstrously powerful fists.
“That guy was tougher than I thought… He’s still alive, but I’m certain he won’t be able to get up for a while!” Saxton said cheerfully.
“You… you incapacitated the Emperor of Outworld with a single strike. Amazing!” The ninja said clearly impressed.
“Indeed. Now can you tell me where the Respawn is?” Saxton asked.
“I can tell you where it is, but I can also take you to it. All I ask is one thing in return.”
“Sure! Anything for a friend.”
“You will use this device to allow my clan to walk on Earthrealm once more. After that… my soul can finally rest.” The ninja said with a depressing tone.
“Geez, you’re such a drama queen. Stop crying like a baby and let’s go! We have more than enough time for many more adventures! It’s not like I need that thing urgently or something.”
So Saxton went off on his next step of his quest in returning the Respawn device. Alongside with his new friend, the flaming skeleton ninja of course! Surely nothing good can come from this situation.
Canterlot. Soldier and Derpy.
It didn’t take long for the two to arrive at the capital of Equestria. Derpy first proposed to take the train, but Soldier refused, saying he’d seen more than enough trains in his lifetime. She then offered to fly Soldier there, no matter how impossible that sounded. It didn’t work out in the end so they took the easy way eventually.
The Rocket Jumper. Yes, with this no self-damage rocket launcher, he was able to blast himself to great heights and overcome the enormous mountain without any problem.
Derpy had to fly alone. Obviously she didn’t go as fast as with the launcher… But she wasn’t putting her hooves on such a dangerous looking contraption.
When Derpy did finally arrive in Canterlot, she found Soldier arguing with one of the citizens. A fancily-dressed snobby stallion. But… there was something off.
“I say! I thought the Princess had already gotten rid of all of you vulgar creatures. Looks like I’m going to have to notify the guards.” The stallion said.
“BEEP BOOP, son.” Soldier responded. Apparently he was wearing a cardboard box over his head, imitating a robot.
The stallion apparently bought this terrible disguise and went on his way again, most likely notifying the Royal Guards.
Derpy slowly approached the BLU mercenary. She was extremely confused, but she knew how to deal with it by now.
“…What are you doing?” She asked.
“Infiltration, maggot! We’re here with an important mission involving royalty! We need to keep our eyes open at all times. That means we have to blend in with the crowd.” Soldier explained.
“But there aren’t any robots here! You’re already quite a bit noticeable due to your size next to us ponies. But this… ridiculous costume only will make things worse!” Derpy stated.
“Don’t worry, private. I can recognize jealousy whenever I see it. Here’s your very own robot disguise as well!” Soldier handed the Pegasus another cardboard box.
“… Are you serious? That would make us stand out even more! And why do we need to sneak around, anyway? We’ve been INVITED here, we’re not infiltrating anything!” Derpy stated.
“I can’t let my guard down… ever.” Soldier slowly turned around so he could quietly have a deep inner monologue without interruption.
My name is Jane Doe. That’s Sergeant or Soldier for all you damn hippies out there. Get a haircut! Anyway, I’ve spent many gory years in Europe during the Second World War as a professional Nazi-murderer. After that, however, I became a mercenary for the BLU. That was the time of my life, killing those sissy REDs, blowing them up into pieces. There was nothing more satisfying than that.
But… as much as I loved my time spent there, there are also much darker memories. I won’t get into too much detail, but let’s just say I’m forced to wear a helmet for the rest of my life.
You wouldn’t like me when I hit my head. Really!
But unfortunately, that’s not all. Even before my time spent at the Mann. Co. I had a terrible problem.
It’s in fact, so stupid, I’m not even going to tell anyone anything about it! It’s my damn inner monologue. No one can hear me anyway.
Unless… there’s someone reading my mind right now at this very moment! Yes, that’s very probable! Very well, I’ll continue.
As I was saying, I have a terrible problem that unfortunately cannot be fixed. I doubt there’s a single other person in the world that has this.
I keep… running into random situations no matter what I do. It’s ridiculous I know! But I really can’t help it. You’ll see eventually, nothing out of the ordinary has happened in quite a while.
But once again, that’s not all! Whenever I do end up in one of these situations, my brain will try to come up with any excuses for the random occurrence to be probable and likely to happen on a daily basis to other people, or any other weird explanation.
You don’t understand? Well neither do I, and that’s been life for me as long I can remember it. The BLUs say that I’m insane, crazy, and delusional. But I’ve saved those damn rookies more than once already. They wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for me!
So that’s some of my life. Now let me tell you about my childhood! It all began back in the good ol’ USA! As a true patriot I immed-
“Hellooooo!? Are you alright? You’ve been staring at the sky for ten minutes now.” Derpy said, finally interrupting the Soldier’s inner monologue.
“Huh? Oh yeah! I do that sometimes. Don’t worry, private. I always remain focused on battle no matter what!” Soldier explained. “Now tell me. Where is that so called super powerful Princess of yours?” He asked.
“GEEZ, I DON’T KNOW?! Maybe in the flipping palace or something?” Derpy responded, slightly annoyed. She facehoofed quickly after she realized what she said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound rude.” She added.
“Don’t mention it, private. You say whatever comes to mind, I admire that!”
“Good. Anyway, how about we go for a drink first? Take a moment to rest before we head to the palace?” Derpy proposed.
“Sounds like a plan. Wait! Do ponies serve alcohol?” Soldier asked.
“Yes, plenty of it. At least in the bigger cities, that is.” Derpy explained.
“Bloody brilliant, maggot!” Soldier tried to imitate the booze obsessed Demoman. He failed miserably.
Soldier and Derpy walked for a while. Obviously, the human still wore his Cardboard box as a hat. Derpy decided to wear hers as well, since she couldn’t stand the embarrassment Soldier had to go through on his own without realizing it. She just decided to share the humiliation.
Other ponies weren’t exactly avoiding her and the human. But they weren’t exactly approaching them either. They slightly kept their distance. That was understandable, even if they weren’t wearing those cardboard boxes since Soldier was a scary alien and whatnot.
Derpy was aware that not many places were going to be open this early in the morning. But she was sure there was at least some place where they could relax for a while before confronting the Princess. The journey there alone was more than enough for an adventure for now.
After a while of looking around, not Derpy but Soldier with his eagle vision managed to find a place that was open and was also a bar. It was named A Bar. Very convenient indeed!
Soldier didn’t want to wait a single moment and opened the door. Then, he immediately slammed the door shut again.
“My god… It’s happening again.” He said silently.
“What is?” Derpy wondered.
“Oh…nothing at all. I was just wondering if this was really a bar.”
“It’s obviously a bar… Just look at the sign. Derpy said.
“Yeah… I’m a hundred percent sure that the sign says that it’s a bar… but.” Soldier was still hesitant to go in.
“Pfft, don’t worry about it, it’s my treat anyway.” Derpy said.
“Alright…” Soldier opened the door once again. His mind wasn’t making things up, he was sure. He was literally seeing this right now.
There was a gorilla tending the bar.
Soldier turned back to the gray Pegasus who was still unable to view what was inside. “Hey… Is this place open?” He asked.
“What? You just opened the door. Of course it’s open!” Derpy was getting pretty annoyed at this point.
“Yeah, but couldn’t it possibly be that they’re just getting ready to open?” Soldier said.
“What the hay are you talking about? Why are you so hesitant towards this? You seemed fine just a minute ago. I know! A nice cold drink will clear you right back up!” Derpy said as she trotted inside happily. “Hey old man, two beer please!” She said as she reached the bar.
Soldier was still thinking what the hell was going on. Of course, he’s in a world of talking ponies. With that logic, it wouldn’t that strange that there was a giant gorilla behind the bar. Maybe it was the law around Canterlot that ape-like creatures served beverages to the ponies. Soldier felt slightly more relieved now as he ventured further inside the bar.
“Hmm, good taste. Can’t really complain about it… AH, THERE’S A GORILLA!” Derpy suddenly jumped up from her seat.
“That took you long enough to notice! I thought it was normal around here!” Soldier shouted.
“WELL IT’S NOT!” Derpy screamed back.
“Hehe… That was actually pretty funny. Your skills have improved, private!”
“What the hay are you talking about? There’s a gorilla right there. If we don’t get out he’ll...” Derpy didn’t know how to finish her sentence.
“Just wait a minute. Calm down and think about it carefully. A gorilla at a bar. You don’t encounter such an interesting situation very often.” Soldier said.
“Even if you say it’s interesting… It’s dangerous!” Derpy replied.
“Look. There’s only like two bars like this, even if you look around the entire universe. It’s rather amazing, don’t you agree?” Soldier asked.
“Well… I guess that’s true. If there was just a gorilla here, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. But he’s literally serving the drinks!”
“Well, if you’re with me, you’re bound to walk into interesting situations like this.” Soldier explained.
“Yes. After all, the god of war is with me.”
“Okay… But why is there a gorilla tending the bar here?” Derpy asked Soldier. They both calmed down and took place at the bar once again. The gorilla continued serving multiple drinks and started doing some dishes. He didn’t speak obviously.
“Well, I know why.” Soldier grinned.
“Let me tell you. There was this one fateful day. It was storming and snowing outside. That day, this poor gorilla was standing outside this very establishment! The bar’s owner couldn’t just leave him out to die. So he let him in, thinking that even if it was a gorilla, it’d be pretty tough outside in those weather conditions.”
“Why was he in front of the bar, then?” Derpy asked. Soldier didn’t pay any mind and just continued his story.
“Anyway, he let the gorilla stay inside and treated him as a pet for a while. Seeing him besides the owner would be a peaceful sight to some. But paying for all of that extra gorilla chow put pressure on the bar’s budget. And because he worked so hard every day, the bar’s owner was struck down with a serious illness!”
“That’s getting pretty dramatic.”
Soldier nodded. “I want to help the owner who took care of me all this time! That’s what the gorilla must have thought when he sat beside the owner on his deathbed. So the gorilla tried to imitate the owner’s way of serving drinks! But in the end, he was just a gorilla. There was no way an ape could serve drinks properly! But he didn’t show the slightest sign of those thoughts. His determination got the gorilla so far that he was actually able to do quite a decent job! This occurrence miraculously cured the owner’s illness so he decided to hire the gorilla for a full-time job and also accepted him as a son! I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what happened and why there’s a gorilla in front of us serving drinks.” Soldier finally ended his story.
“Really? I guess that does make some sense… not much, but some.” Derpy replied.
“I’ve got more details for you, don’t worry. I left out the part where the gorilla was discriminated by the townsfolk and he had to fight a velociraptor to defend his honor! It started whe-” Soldier was interrupted as he front door suddenly opened.
“Oh look! The owner is finally here. We can ask him all about it. Hey hippie, tell us your story.” Soldier asked.
“… Oh no! There’s a gorilla in my establishment!” The bar’s owner shouted as his face turned blue.
“WHAT! He’s here without permission?” Soldier was genuinely surprised.
“Of course he was.” Derpy sighed.
“ROOAAARR!” The gorilla suddenly started slamming his chest and went on a rampage inside the bar.
“RUUUN!” Soldier shouted as he didn’t think blowing the entire place up would have any good consequences. He prepared for another inner monologue.
I hoped that it would finally end. But it would seem my life is eternally doomed to randomness. Let us hope our encounter with this royalty will go more smoothly.