"What do we say?" The lilting voice sing-songed gently into my ear. Or at least as close as it could get.
"Please?" My own voice was horse - I mean, hoarse and I coughed as the air scratched at my parched throat.
"I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever take drugs again as long as I live." My mumbled words came out muffled from the pillow I was pressing against my aching and groggy head. It tasted like sweat but I was in far too much pain to care. It felt like a jackhammer was being positioned behind my eyes and cranked up to eleven. I heard shuffling around me. They sounded like they were getting closer. The Things That Should Not Be. One of whom I frenched. Ew.
"Well, that's ... that's good, but not where I was going." Confusion was evident all around me. I think I realized by this point I was the only sane one in the room.
"I'm sorry beyond belief that I kissed you, Ms. Meadows, as well as my behavior and language thus far. I am appalled that I acted so grotesquely and childishly and promise that I will never. Ever. Ever. EVER. EVER. Try to escape from illegal detainment. Can I have my water now?" I'm guessing that 'cruel and unusual punishments' were the norm around here. Seriously, I was so thirsty it hurt.
"If you come out from under that pillow so we can talk." Her voice rose a few octaves higher than it probably should have. I'm guessing it was meant to inspire confidence but really all it meant to me at that point in time was that I could finally fix one of the hundreds of aches and pains I was undergoing.
With a sigh that would have put Dracula out of a job, I shifted the pillow from my face. And screamed as her face was only an inch away from my own. At least, I would have screamed had the very attempt not caused me to start coughing and gasping for air. She backed up rapidly and, with a startled expression, quickly thrust a glass of crystal clear water at me. I took the glass offered by the concerned and yet still smiling bright-green mare and greedily gulped it down. I only choked once or twice, too. Astounding success! My god, it tasted like ambrosia.
"Good! Now that -" I waved my hoof at her, interrupting her and motioning for more water while I was still chugging the first one down. With a roll of her eyes, she obliged with a smirk, turning to a pitcher nearby. "Fine, we can talk in a bit."
Five glasses. Five glasses of water. That's a lot. Doctors everywhere gave me a standing ovation for breaking my record setting 'fifteen years on Pepsi and Red Bull' streak. But what happens when you just wake up, drink a ton of water and you're getting over a massive hangover?
"Now then, what - " Again, I held my hoof up. She flipped her ears back in irritation and I could almost see her ever-present smile turn downward. It was about that time I realized we were alone.
I was alone in a bed - naked remember - near a creepy pony that I had frenched in a drug induced haze. Good times. I winced at what had to come out of my tiny little muzzle.
"Uhm, I have to use the little colts room."
Ever since I saw that one episode where Pinkie was trying to hold it on the train, I wondered what the inside of a pony bathroom looked like. Just idle curiosity, really. Were they massively different because of the morphology or would the artists go for something more 'normal' just so the kids could understand what the hell was going on? I'm sure you have too and if not, well, tough. I'm going to describe it anyway. This ruined so many things about ponies for me that I can only hope it does for you too.
The toilets. The toilets are not toilets. They're pits in the floor. Have you ever seen an 'Eastern' style toilet? Yeah, think that only a bit longer and more ... actually, the best way I could describe it is to compare it to a certain part of the male anatomy. If, for example, that certain part was drawn by an idiot. Or a child. Or an idiot child. It even had a little ridge down the center for some reason I cannot and refuse to even try to fathom.
And guys? No benefit. None. Male, female, doesn't matter. You HAVE to wipe. This little experience gave me a great deal of respect for what ladies have to go through on a daily basis just to pee. Except I was nude going in and nude coming out so there was that.
Wiping was ... not pleasant. In the process of trying to figure that mystery of the universe out, I almost called Ms. Way-Too-Happy in for assistance. And I'm sure she would have obliged regardless of our little tongue wrestling session. God, I feel another shower coming on. That would have been awkward for everyone, er, everypony involved and even those not involved. The universe would have opened a black hole of awkward and swallowed Equestria, Earth and any neighboring inhabited planets just to be less embarrassed that such a thing had occurred.
Do you know why it was something I almost needed some assistance with? Hooves might be great for gripping round objects. Even pretty good at gripping flat ones. But you try maneuvering this giant, bulky ... stump with a small wad of tissue into position while standing on three hooves when your body really, really really wants to stand on four for stability. And this was just peeing! Doing anything else would require a masters degree in 'elimination of waste!'
With my little adventure in body functions out of the way - and a fresh glass of water just in case - I finally sat across from my future nemesis. I didn't know it at the time but this mare, this mare would soon become the bane of my every waking living breath. Her very existence would test every limit of my mental ability to its utmost. She was to become - My Counselor.