'Sup Gaise? a bit of a forward.
let me say that i won't be updating as fruequently as i want to. Why? because i have the attention span of a tsetse fly
also, somebody asked for a picture of Malgrephor. Unfortunately, I lost my ability to draw years ago. So, heres a Gaia avatar to fill the void. i duped him to the best of my ability.
Made using this.
I entered town to find that I was absolutely correct. The entire place had locked itself down as if a 13th century gang of Italian mercenaries was about to ride in. Despite the fact I couldn’t see them; I could FEEL everypony in ponyville watching me.
I looked at the quaint houses, seeing pairs of eyes peering through the dark windows, which would quickly dart back behind a curtain upon noticing that I could see them. Thanks to my ears, which were apparently more acute than that of a human’s, I could hear faint conversations. I could also hear a shrill voice signing about… me? My best guess was that Pinkie pie had spontaneously made up some kind of song about me, like she did with Zecora. Though my hearing wasn’t good enough to make out what the ponies were saying, I could tell they didn’t know what I was either.
That boded nicely. Not even THEY knew what I was, and this was Ponyville, what with having to deal with creatures from the Everfree running amok. On top of that, the ponies were obviously scared shitless of me. In an attempt to make myself seem less threatening to them, I tried to seem as if I was lost or something.
“Hello? Is…..anypony there?”
Things were starting to turn sour as I came to the conclusion that no form of coaxing would draw these ponies out. But then, I heard something else. Judging by the fact it wasn’t muffled, meant that sompony was outside. Not only that, but whoever it was, it was somepony’s voice I recognized
OTHER than the fact that Twilight is best pony, she was likely the only one who could convince the locals I didn’t bite. I began walking in the direction of her voice. As I ventured closer, I began make-out what Twilight was saying.
“Helloooooooooo, where is everypony?’
Twi had obviously been in the library while the news was being spread.
“uh, I dunno Twilight, what if it IS zombie-ponies this time?”
“Spike, do I have to give you that eight-hour seminar on how zombies could never possibly exist again?”
By now, the conversation was highly audible; I was close. I turned a corner, and there she was, looking in the opposite direction, standing near the library doors. I was standing in the presence of THE Twilight Sparkle, element of magic and best pony! Oh, and Spike was there too. I had imagined this moment would be just awesome, but in the end it was about 20%-
Author’s better judgment: NO! GOD! NO GOD, PLEASE NO! NO! NO!...............................NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
ABJ: THAT FUCKING CATCH PHASE IS OVERUSED AND FUCKING STUPID NOW! IT MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH INFANTS! THE VERY THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD HAVE THE AUDACITY TO PUT THAT FUCKING LINE IN THIS FIC MAKE ME SICK THAT I SHARE A BODY WITH YOU!
Alright, alright, jesus.
-I had imagined this moment would be just awesome, but in the end everything turned out better than-
ABJ: NOOOOOOO! FUCKING NO!
Oh, Goddamnit. Fine!
-It was more awesome than I had initaily anticipated.
THERE! You happy asshole?!
ABJ: No, you suck. Go die in a hole.
Bite me (curse my confidence issues).
I could feel my chest getting tight. This was it. I would talk to Twilight; convince her I was the good guy, allowing her to convince the populace of the same, thus winning the hearts and minds of the Ponyvillians. Weeks later, some kind of monster would appear, leading me to discover that I had some kind of weird power that I use to kill the beast, making the ponies afraid of me again, causing Princess Celestia to summon me to be judged, only for me to convince her that I meant no harm to anypony. And so, I live happily ever after, and everyone fucks, The End. Cuz that’s how all fanfics are, right?
Well no time to waste. Licking my hand, I raked my hair back, and started walking.
‘Now remember dude, SMOOTH.’
‘Yea, yea, yea, I got this.’
I put a slight strut in my walk and an aloof grin on my face.
“*sigh* what could it possibly be this time that’s has whole town in-“
“*ahem*” I cleared my throat behind her. Upon hearing this, she hastily turned around.
“Oh, great, sompony to explain what the hoof is…… going……..”
Initially, her eyes met with my abdomen, and proceeded to move up my chest, onto my face before meeting mine. Her mouth hung open, as she stared in awe of the freak of nature that was ME. Spike was also dumbfounded, according to his priceless expression and fumbling of his words.
“Good afternoon, Madame.” I said, breaking the ice.
“Pay-tell, to where hath the inhabitance of this fair community gone?”
‘DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!’
‘JOSEPH DUECRUX ISN’T SMOOTH!”
‘What did you have in mind?!’
‘I dunno! Sean Connery?! Bradley Cooper?! Harrison Ford?! Fuck, you could have settled for Nicholas Cage!’
‘Should I try one of those?’
‘NO! YOU ALREADY FUCKED UP! IF YOU CHANGE NOW SHE’LL GET SUSPICOUS! JUST ROLE WITH IT.’
‘Alright, alright, fine.’
I redirected my attention to Twilight, who was giving me a weird look; after all, I had been standing there silently for fifteen seconds. I knew I was off to a rocky start, so I had to pull out all the stocks, I had to use my best line; NO, not My best line, THE best line. For thousands of years this line has wooed many women without fail. This line was of the gods; the Muses themselves could not withstand its power. For the longest time, it had been past out of all memory, but I had uncovered it, and now I would use this unparalleled line to not only win win the trust and heart of mah waifu, but ALL of Equestria.
I took a deep breath, and-
“Stop right there criminal scum!” a voice said. I knew instantly from its masculinity that it was a Royal guard. However, instead of wondering what the hell he was doing here, I had focused solely on what he SAID.
‘Oh God. The temptation………it’s……..to great. Must ……resist…....urge……. to make………….REFERENCE! ...........................................................DAH FUCKIT!’
I spun around, pointed at the guard and shouted:
“RESIST ARREST!!! BLAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAA!” I threw my head back in laughter. Although, I soon regretted doing so.
I felt a sharp pain as a hard object struck me on the forehead. Before I could figure out what had hit me, I felt myself beginning to stagger.
‘Dammit! I’m blacking out AGAIN!’
And I was right, I fell flat on my back. But the last thing I saw was Twilight standing over me, her horn illuminating, and an encyclopedia levitating next to her.
‘Twi’ hit me over the head?!’
‘She digs me.’
-CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE-
“Are ya sure you’re ok sugarcube?”
“I’m all right, which is more than I can say for this thing.”
It took a few seconds, but finally remembered that Twilight had beat me over the head with that big-ass book. Now, I’m guessing the mane-six are ‘examining’ me. I immediately told my body to keep still, in order to avoid being hit on the head again.
“Well I’m glad this ghastly creature didn’t hurt you. Ugh, just look at that filthy cloth it’s wearing!”
AW SCREW YOU RARITY, DIS BE MAH SWAG!
“You should have been here sooner AppleJack, he was making some REALLY funny noises!*snort*”
Great, now they know I whine in my sleep.
“So Twi’, what is this thing?” a shrill boyish voice said. Rainbow Dash I’m guessing.
“I haven’t the slightest idea; I’ve never read about ANYTHING like this. What do you think lieutenant?”
“I’m afraid that I too have no knowledge of such a creature.” Said the same crusty voice from before, obviously the guard, sticking around in case I woke up.
“Heh, looks pretty cool; I mean, four wings? Talk about awesome!”
I know, right?!
“What is it, Fluttershy?”
“If if it isn’t……. too much to ask: Was it really necessary to hit him over the head?”
Hm, good fucking question, thanks Flutters’.
“Really!? Fluttershy, you of all ponies? I mean, are you even looking at this thing!?”
“Well, you’re assuming he’s bad just because he has sharp teeth, horns and claws. From what you said, he was asking where everypony was. What if he was trying to find a place to stay?”
For a few moments the group remained silent.
‘Yeah, that’s what I thought!’
Then, I heard AppleJack pipe-up.
“Maybe you should send uh letter tuh the Princess? she might know what this big-lizard-thang is."
‘OH GOD! ANOTHER REFERENCE URGE! MUST………………RESIST! ........................DAMN IT ALL!
I jerked my head up, put on my best Pewdiepie voice and shouted:
“HEY! I AM NOT A LIZARD!”
Collectively, the group whipped their heads toward me.
“By the Regal sisters, it’s woken up!” the guard yelled.
“You don’t say?!” I sarcastically shouted. The next thing I noticed was the same Encyclopedia from before levitating in midair.
Too late. I watched helplessly as the enormous book headed straight toward my face.
“Aw, fuck my ass.”
-CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE-
“You, wake up.” I heard the guard say as I was nudged by what felt like a hoof. I blinked awake, finding myself leaned against a tree. I looked to see the guard and several others standing around me.
“Stand up.” The guard ordered. Jeez dude, you could at least say please. I was about to put my hands on the ground, but I found that I couldn’t even move them. I looked down and saw that my hands were bond by a chain that wrapped around my waist, pinning them to my stomach. I also saw another set of chains strapped across my shoulders, which I assumed were
restraining my wings.
“I said, GET UP!” the guard barked.
“I’m working on it!” I blurted. Pressing my back against the tree for support, I put my hooves flat on the ground and pushed down, bringing me to my feet. Now that I my head was above the guards surrounding me, I could see a huge crowd of ponies gathered outside their homes. They all looked at me with disgust, like I was some kind of rabbit animal. Mothers were shielding their fillies stereotypically; as if I was going to do anything all chained up like this.
Well, this day just went spiraling downward. I’ve been bludgeoned by my favorite pony, I’m now in the custody of a bunch of angry royal guards, aaaand the whole town hates me. Just wonderful, wouldn’t you agree?
“Now, follow us.” the guard said as he turned around and began walking down the street, the others doing the same.
“And just where are you taking me?” I asked with a sarcastic tone, thinking I wasn’t going to like the answer.
“Princess Celestia has ordered that we take you back to Tartarus.” The guard recanted, not even turning to look at me.
Hold on…......Tartarus? From what I understand, Tartarus is Equestria’s equivalent to the Netherworld. The Netherworld is inhabited by ghouls, tormented souls, and demons.
‘I'M A DEMON!? KEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWL!’
“What in Equestria are you smiling about?”
My attention jerked toward the scowling guard next to me. I hadn’t even realized that I’d put on a stupid smile in my excitement.
The guard continued to glare at me for a few seconds before turning back to the road. With that, I continued to hang my head.
Glancing to my right, I saw the mane-six; looking at me with the same scornful looks, save for Fluttershy.
‘Now THAT hurts.’
My head snapped up upon hearing the mare’s voice. I saw Derpy hovering above the crowd. Her eyes were perked open; she had probably been looking for me. Poor thing; she must have been so confused when nopony would answer their doors.
Dispite her walled-eyes, I saw them pan over my bindings. Her expression quickly changed saddened, even she knew what was going on.
“W-wait, stop! He didn’t do anything wrong!” she desperately cried. My eyes darted toward the crowd. As I thought, they were all looking at her with mixed emotions. Some puzzled, others taken aback, but most were annoyed.
“It’s alright Derpy…… I’ll be fine.” I said with a smile. She looked at me for a moment before forcing a smile and nodding.
I feel bad for lying to her.