Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
Winter Wrap Up
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned one of the most interesting things about Ponyville.
Winter only lasts one day.
Yep, you heard me right. I went to bed last night, not a flake of snow on the ground. Not even when I got up a little early to help with this annual event. But during those few hours of more sleep, BAM, white shit got everywhere. So every year after it snows, Ponyville has an annual event where they clear the snow that covers everything for one whole day. I think they call it global warming.
As you know, nothing gets a town in the mood for melting snow quite like a full length musical number. After that, we were all set to go. At first I wanted to help Rainbow gather up the birds that had flown south for one day. But I misplaced that stupid butterfly wings spell, so she had to leave without me. I went to ask Rarity if I could help making the returning birds some nests, because they totally can't do it themselves. Lazy fuckers. Spike said they could use it as an outhouse, which would be a huge improvement, since they shit on my doormat every morning.
After that, I tried skating with Pinkie. She hallucinated about being a twinkie, and then because Spike kept on messing me up, we ended up making a two pony one dragon snowman. Pinkie clearly had the lakes under control, so I went to be a second animal alarm clock for Fluttershy. Problem was, the bitch was waking up all the cute animals herself, and I was stuck with all the snakes, bats, and bees. We should have given that Filly the Exterminator show a call.
Because of those damn bees, I had to take a blood ritual bath. After that, I went over to Sweet Apple Acres, where they were clearing the snow. I envy the Everfree Forest, where the damn snow melts itself. I tried a come-to-life spell, but after my plow smacked my ass, I got distracted, and ended up causing an avalanche. That damn fax machine blamed me when the idea was his for using magic. For some reason, Rarity spent the whole damn day trying to fix my outhouse when she could have just thrown it out and continued slaving for those feathered fuckers.
As the whole town started arguing, I used a few big words to get them to shut up, and put them all to work. The nests got built, the fields plowed and seeded, the animals woken up, and Rainbow Dash's weather team got a tornado going and flung all the snow over to the next town, so it's Molestia's problem now.
Let's see that sexual deviant wrap winter up on time now.
Your organized former student,