Like most bronies, (or is it bronys…..Bronyes……..Broni? Whatever.) I first discovered the magic of friendship on the internet. Almost immediately, I fell in love with the show, then, I fell in love with the fanbase. I loved everything about Bronies (I’ll go with that); the fanart, music, fanfics, and even the fans themselves. I was so glad to have found this odd new side of myself; the first few weeks of my newfound attraction, however, where a bit bittersweet. I wasn’t quite sure what people would think of me if I told them or they found out. What made it even worse was the fact that I had just moved to another STATE; long story short, I didn’t know anybody. But, my worries where soon put to rest, as I made a friend that was just as much of a nerd I was; I mean, the guy knows where the iconic phrase: ‘The spice must flow’ is from. I told him I was a brony after we got to know each other, and, surprisingly, he tolerated.
On top of that, my mom actually caught me on Poni/booru. At first, she just made fun of me, but listening to a few points I made and her seeing a couple of seconds of video made her understand my genuine interest for the show. She said, and I quote:
“Well I’m glad that it’s not because you’re gay; I mean it’s okay if you are, but I want Asian grandbabies.”
God, I love that crazy, Irish, Italian, Texan ginger.
It took me a while, but once I felt completely comfortable with my ‘Bronyism’ I actually started to wear a T-shirt with ‘Brony’ printed across it in big letters in public. Hell, I walked my dog in that thing.
Lately, I’ve been trying to find fellow bronies anywhere I can. Until they release that documentary on bronies, and it gets good feedback, I ain’t talkin, to nobody in RL about no ponies. So, my only option is to stick with the Bronies online.
I’ve also gotten addicted to a site called: Omeagle. Basically, it’s like chat-roulette, except you don’t know who you’re talking to, no webcam, and you communicate by text and text alone.
I don’t know about you, but to me, that screams: ‘TROLL BAIT!’. This site is great for lulz, and seeing what crazy shit people can come up with. But right now I’ve been doing something way different.
Step 1: go on Omeagle
Step 2: start chat by saying ‘Hi’ and wait for a response
Step 3: Say ‘Brohoof?/)’
Step 4: ???
Step 5: profit
You would not believe what kind of shit people will spew from their mouths. Most of the responses with along the lines of: ‘Yiff in Hell, Furfag!’ or ‘Bronies are the cancer of the Internet!’. Which were all swiftly dealt with by simply retorting: ‘U mad bro?’. I had this one guy on chat for twenty minutes. The moron when through every obscenity known to man, and I was just batting him around like a cat does with a wounded mouse. It was just plain pathetic.
Stranger: RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH PEDOPHILES RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH!
You: u mad bro?
Stranger: RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH FURFAGS RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH!
You: I think u mad.
Stranger: RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!11!1!!!11!!!!
You: he mad.
Today I when on chat, expecting a plethora of lulz, but something different happened: I actually found another Brony. That didn’t really come to me as a surprise; what happened next, however, did.
You: Brohoof? /)
Stranger: (\ Brohoof! /)^3^(\
You: Buck Yea!!!!
You: So who’s your favorite pony?
Stranger: Pinkie Pie, Hands down. She’s so random! And you?
You: Twilight Sparkle, she’s mah Waifu.
Stranger: rofl. Whatever floats your boat dude.
The conversation continued like this for about 30 minutes. We exchanged thoughts about the show, favorite episodes and theories we had about season 3. Then, he asked: The Question.
Stranger: so …. You wanna go to Equestria?
Thinking the question rhetorical, I then said what any Brony would say.
You: is that a joke? Of fucking course I’d like to go!
What the guy said next really caught my ass off guard.
Stranger: ALRIGTHY THEN, OFF YA GO! GOOD LUCK!
You: wtf hhuj kfgbhz dihgbrj,znfkb .aNZ>::trh rae h5itu o;5 yhi egp afb o;4ctp/ha qogfil uw hug ,jlx dcbx eee ee av bl5tn y m9uti ysmfn ;me, sdftyugki khjhl ;ifod hrkfuilu a eiorauoi; trwyh kt5e ah8 ikyey lt5 er au9o tae8ur 485 478o t5u w8lr gkre yiutr au igse
I found myself being sucked through some kind of wormhole, as I desperately tried to hold on. Unable to get a grip on my mushy keyboard, I slipped into the portal as I lost consciousness.
‘Ok, what the fuck just happened? Ok, ok calm your tits, try retracing you steps. I got on Omeagle, talked to a brony, got asked if I wanted to go to Equestria, said yes, got sucked into a wormhole’
This whirled around in my head as I lay on my back, eyes closed. I laid there for I while before I realized: ‘maybe I should get up?’ . Figuring that was a good start, I open my eyes. I was met with a bright, clear blue sky.
‘Ok…………..suddenly I’m outdoors. Why am I outdoors?’
I lifted my head off the ground to observe my surroundings.
‘A forest………………………Why the fuck am I in the middle of a forest?!’
But suddenly, I noticed something was off. Looking again at the bark of the trees, I realized it didn’t have a natural hue, but instead a bright, vibrant one. I began looking around more, noticing everything had a ‘Cartoony’ (hint, hint, you idiot.) look to it.
“HOLY JUMPING JESUS CHRISTMAS BISCUT, I’M IN EQUESTRIA!”
Whoever that weirdo was, he did it, he actually did it, he sent me to the one and only Equestria.
“OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!” I shouted with zest as I leapt to my feet, attempting to dance on my tiptoes and shake my hands in a pseudo Homer Simpson fashion. However, I fell flat on my face. Upon tasting the dirt, I realized that my body felt totally different.
‘Aw buck yea! I’m a pon-‘
I stopped myself mid-thought, as I could feel hands.
‘Awwwwwwwwwwwww……..nonononono don’t think like that, I could be something else, something awesome! Ok, maybe I’m a diamond-dog!'
I rolled over onto my back to properly investigate my form Nope. I looked at my hands to find no fur whatsoever.
Inspecting my hands further, I saw that they were covered in black scales.
I saw that my fingers had one-inch, needle-sharp claws; kickass. Looking at the backs of my hands, I saw strange markings. On my right-hand there was a red, eyeless animal skull with large goat-like horns. On my left, was a neon blue Hexagram with strange runic symbols at each point; awesome. Further down my arms, I saw clusters of jagged spikes on the tops of my forearms; sweeeeeet. Looking at my arms as a whole, I could say one thing to describe myself:
“Dude, I AM BUFF!”
This day was getting better and better. Now, it was time to have a look at my legs. The first thing I noticed was the frayed, red cloth wrapped around my waist. Holding it up, was a tarnished, bronze belt with a spherical red jewel in the center; nice. My legs appeared to be bent back any appeared really muscular. On the top of my knees, were large spikes; those should be useful. Finally, my feet; they weren’t feet, instead they were large hooves; bitchin’.
‘Scratch dragon, I guess.’
I stood up, giving my legs a test walk, easier than I thought it would be.
‘How could this possibly get any bit better?’ I thought to myself. I was quickly answered by a light breeze. Thanks to that breeze, I felt something on my back. Well, no so much on my back, more like ATATCHED to my back. Then, it hit me.
‘Oh. My. GOD! Do I have-?!’
I whipped my head around, and I was right. There, on my back, was a huge pair of bat-like wings. Upon this discovery, I balled up my fist, putting it a few inches above my head and shouted:
I’m not quite sure what Bison was so excited about, but I sure as shit know why I’m so worked up.
‘I HAVE FUCKING WINGS! ME GUSTA!’
I gave my new limbs a flap, and then stretched them out to their full span, which I had estimated to be about eight feet. Then, I felt something else, on the lower part of my back. Once again, I looked at my back, this time lower, and what did I find? ANOTHER set of Wings! I know, fucking awesome!
“TWO SETS OF WINGS?! DOUBLE ME GUSTA!”
I was so excited that I broke out in a dance. This was an overload of awesome. I’m scaly, I’ve got claws, I’m buff, I have hoofed feet, I have FOUR FUCKING WINGS,AGAIN, DOUBLE ME GUSTA, and I- wait…. What do I look like?
Upon my realization, I began looking around; for what you ask? A pond, duh. This wasn’t a hard task; I just looked to my right and BAM, pond. Of course there was pond, there’s ALWAYS a pond. As I approached the small (and conveniently placed) pond, my mind raced.
‘What do I look like?’
‘What if I’m ugly?
‘What if I have some kind of sick growth?’
‘…………………………… What if I’m Cthulhu?’
Once I reached the pond I tightly shut my eyes, and bent over, so that I would be looking directly at the water. After much thought and courage mustering, I opened my eyes.
To my surprise, my face look oddly human, however, I looked nothing like I did before. My chin was broader, and my brow larger, excluding the fact I had black scales. I had long black hair that had been pared down-the-middle. What should have been the whites of my eyes were yellow; my pupils black and where slits. My ears were long and pointy (I’ll be adding mutated elf to the ‘what the hell am I’ list). I also had two large fangs on my bottom jaw. On my head were-
“AW, HELL YEA!”
-horns, and they were huge. They had at least a four-inch circumference, and were pointed backward. They did sort of a dip in the middle then curled back up at the end. All-in-all, the only thing I could do was give my reflection a smoldering look and say:
“Who’s that handsome devil?”
And, if I might add: what? What am I? I never saw anything like myself in the show, or anywhere else for that matter. But then, when I thought about the show, I remembered where I was. With that though I puffed up my chest, put my hands on my hips and said:
“Who gives a shit what I am?! I’m in Equestria, and I’m fucking SEXY!”
Now, I was concerned about finding civilization. If I was where I thought I was, being the Everfree Forest, I was also close to Ponyville. But first things first, I had to learn how to fly; easier said than done.
The process took around three hours. Hovering was quite simple; I found that flapping my first set of wings and then the next and repeating this process was an effective way to do so; I figured it out within thirty minutes. Now, actually flying was a different story. I had to figure out the specific patterns, maneuvers and learn to adapt to a wind surge. Needless to say, my hard work paid off. I could FUCKING FLY. It was the single most awesome experience of my life. I could freely soar through the air, without a care in the world. I was enjoying myself so much that almost forgot why I wanted to learn to fly in the first place.
With that I began to fly up, higher and higher until I could see for miles around. Making an eye-visor with my hand, I began to look in all directions, looking for the town of legend. My heart skipped a few beats when I saw the small, colorful town; it was so close. With a huge grin spread across my face, I zipped toward the town, as fast as I could.
As I got closer to the town, I began to see the familiar parts of ponyville. Sweet Apple Acres, Fluttershy’s cottage, town hall, the libra-
Something crashing into me, now that’s new. However, what cashed into me wasn’t. By quickly examining the mass that struck me, it was revealed to be a Pegasus with a blonde mane and a gray coat………… wait WHAT?!
“Whoops, sorry mister.”
The Pegasus’s eyes met my own,or maybe they would if she wasn’t……………..WALL EYED.
“DERPY?!” I shouted, half shocked and half geeking-out. I just entered Ponyville, and THE Derpy just crashed into my arms.
‘Why does it feel like I’m falling?’
Once I stopped freaking out over Derpy, I realized that I hadn’t been flapping my wings. Panicking, I began to franticly flap my wings in order to stay airborne. Unfortunately, I had already fucked up my flight pattern, so I had no luck in doing so. There I was, holding Derpy in my arms, falling toward the Ponyville farmer’s market. The only thing I could do was ball up and hope that I didn’t break something.
Thankfully, I didn’t break anything; well, at least not any of my bones. But I did roll into a market stall, which had been unoccupied at the time. As I lay on the ground with my eyes closed, allowing the pain to pass, I heard ponies scream at the top of their lungs, followed by the stomping of their hooves. I opened my eyes to find the once busy market to be completely empty.
‘So much for first Impressions.’
Remembering she was in my arms, I looked down at Derpy to see if she was ok. I had been extra careful with her to make sure she didn’t get hurt in the fall. She looked back at me, with a smile that made my heart melt. To my surprise, her coat was softer than I had initially though.
“Gee mister, thanks”
Hold on, why isn’t she freaking-out? You’d think that upon seeing a…bat….lizard….elf…..faun…… orc…..guy from the dragon age II trailer……… thing, you’d automatically run; yet for some reason, Derpy was happily laying snug in my arms.
I gently set her down on her hooves; allowing her to stand. She turned toward me, that same dopey smile that made me suffer a heart attack twice.
“Hiyah, I’m-” she stopped herself, mid-sentence, as she remembered that I had said her name when she crashed into me. The smile turned into a confused frown and she tilted her head.
“Hey mister, how come you know my name?”
‘CRAP! She’s on to me! Quick, make up some kind of excuse!’
“Ummmmmmmmm, wild ass guess?” I said as I put on my best poker face.
However, she smiled telling me she actually bought it. But then she asked another question that that caught me off guard.
“So, what’s your name?”
‘Damnit! I can’t believe I forgot to work on a name! Ok, think think think, uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.’
‘Thanks Magic: The Gathering, I owe ya one.’
“Nice to meet you.” Derpy said as she extended her hoof. Almost immediately, I grabbed it and began to shake.
OH MAH GAWD! I’m shaking Derpy’s hoof! Hey gaise, u jelly? As soon as Derpy let go she took flight and waved back to me.
“I’d like to stay and talk, but I gotta’ get some mail delivered. Bye mister Mal-gree-fer.“
And with that she was gone. Meet Derpy: check. Now, I needed to find the main six; that is unless the whole town has barred their doors upon hearing about that “that monster that attacked the market and took an innocent mailmare hostage.”