//------------------------------// // Chapter 41: Prostitution // Story: The Hacker Pwny // by Chetzi //------------------------------// "Never, and I mean NEVER pull that again," Rainbow scolded me. She held me up against the cloud wall. I has a smug look on face as she threatened me. "Or else I will throw you through the floor and beat the crap outta you faster than me doing a sonic rainboom." After a bit more yelling, she released me. She then stormed back into the dinning room, with a smug me stumbling in behind her. We were still having breakfast. As we sat down, Rainbow glared at me. I did the zipper-for-a-mouth thing and zipped my mouth shut. I got an idea and started to say, "Did you know tha- oof!" I gasped when Rainbow Dash hit me under the table. No one noticed. "Never mind." She glared at me. It seems she doesn't want me talking anymore. Olive said, "So, uh, Neon, where did you go to school?" "Well there was this one time where I-" I glanced over to my pseudo-fillyfriend. She gave me a look that told me she would hurt me if I said anything stupid. "Uh, I went to that one school in Ponyville." "That one school? Do you mean Cheerilee's school?" "Oh, of course not. They've been teaching the exact same thing every time it's been showed. It's like they have no budget." Uh, I think I might've just confused them. "Hmm, so then what school?" "Uh... I was self-taught." "In what? What's your career?" "Prostitution." "That's it!" Rainbow Dash yelled as she pounced on me. She threw me through the wall, then continued to chase after me. She had little control in her movement in a small environment like this, and she was angry. She chased me throughout the house. Everytime she got just close enough to tackle me, I turned a corner and she crashed through a cloud wall. I ran for my life, all around the house. Eventually she got me. I was upstairs, directly over the dining room. I was in some kind of rec room. Rainbow tackled me, causing me to spiral into the floor. She then punched me in the balls, and I fell through the floor from the impact. I landed onto the table the Dash family was eating on. Once I hit it, I screamed, "Ow! My reproductive organs!" I then rolled around on the table, clutching my balls in pain. It hurts to get punched in the nuts, try getting a hoof slammed into them from an angry athlete. Welp, I won't be able to make kids for the next few weeks. I rolled off the table and attempted to stand. I was covered in pancake chunks. My balls felt like they were on fire. I guess I deserved it. Worth it. So very worth it. I got back in my chair, like nothing had happened. Rainbow floated in next to me and sat down. She glared daggers at me, watching my every move. Next time I try something, I may not even have a ball-sack. We all finished our breakfast in an awkward silence. None of made eye contact as we stared at our plates. The table was still a mess from me falling onto it. Amber asked me, "You are covered in food, would you like to take a shower here?" Take a shower in someone else's house? That's not normal. But I guess it's understandable, given the caring nature of the ponies. I declined, "No, I'm quite alright." "Please do, you smell quite pungent." Uh, when was the last time I took a shower? Before mating season started I think. I lifted up my right arm, and sniffed my armpit. Oh dear, I do smell bad. Kind of like shit with sharp cheddar cheese mixed in. How have I not noticed? Oh yeah, I rarely care about personal hygiene, no one ever sees me. I guess I should be more self-aware, considering at how much I see people now. But, I'd rather not do it here, I don't want to fall through the floor. I'll go back to Earth, where indoor plumbing is a lot better. "I will, as soon as I get back to Earth." I then clamped my hoof over my mouth. I should not have said that. Olive said quietly to himself, "Earth, Earth, Earth. I know I've heard that name before." He doesn't know? Could the princess be trying to hide the attack? The only affected cities were Canterlot and Manehatten. It's possible, since news travels slowly here without the Internet. Maybe slowly enough for the princess to stop it. I think I've said that before. Besides the point, I've been Rainbow's fake coltfriend for too long, I have better things to do. I pushed my chair back, and said, "Well then, I'm sure you're all busy with doing... whatever the hell cartoons do when the television is off. Now, I must be off." As I stood on the cloud floor, I noticed that things got taller around me. Then I realised that everything else wasn't growing, I was falling through the cloud floor. Although, fairly slowly. I predict that once I puncture a hole in the cloud with my hoof in about the next five seconds, the rest of the cloud will rapidly expand to create a hole large enough to make only me fall through. Meh, I've been through worse. "Hey, Rainbow, you might want to catch me as I fall. If you'll notice, it will be mere seconds before I start plummeting to my death. The Cloud Walker spell must have worn offFFFFFF!" I then fell through the cloud. The wind shot my hair around in every direction. I held my arms behind my head, looking relaxed. Rainbow was already trying to save me. She dashed down from Cloudsdale, rushing to meet me. At this rate, she will catch me in... about five seconds after I hit the ground. If you want to know why I'm not terrified, it's because there's a large, deep lake below me. And as we have all learned from video games, as long as you land in water, you'll be fine. (In Minecraft's case, it has to be two blocks deep.) Surface tension you say? Well, lemme tell you something, the physics in Equestria make as much sense as edible panties and glow-in-the-dark condoms. I mean, really? Unless the wearers of the condoms are two gay men playing a kinky game of Star Wars, that just makes no sense. No sense at all because when you’re fucking someone, the condom isn’t going to be visible. You’re not going to pull out and say, look honey, look at it glow! *SPLASH* I hit the water, landing softer than I predicted. It was like water, but it broke really easy and didn't slap me. Surface tension must be nonexistent in this world. As I swam back up, I saw a laughing Rainbow Dash above the water. "Looks like you took a bath after all!" Yelled a laughing Rainbow Dash. "Laugh it up, I'm not the one who flew all the way down to save somepony, and then fail that." Rainbow crossed her arms and flew back up. I guess I'm free to go home now. I need to start training, I've had enough delays. I swam out of the river. There was a road that had a sign telling me that it went to Ponyville. How convenient. I shook off as much water as I could, like a dog. It was getting kind of cold. Winter must be rolling in soon. And Winter-Wrap up. I hope they don’t start singing. No wait, I’ll just be back on Earth, where we have space heaters. I started to walk down the path. It was quiet, I didn’t see anyone else. Current research predictions lead me to believe that 56% of all mares are normal again. But that’s still a rough guess at best, it’s not like I’ve taken multiple ponies hostage as test subjects and did horrible, but highly informative, experiments on them. Although I bet it won’t be much longer until some scientists try to do just that, and develop weapons around killing them. Or maybe not, maybe humanity learned its lesson, and won’t attack other species anymore. Wait... what the fuck am I talking about? I live in a race of people that buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. We also have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. We don’t learn, we just push harder and expect something to change. I walked into Ponyville. It looked normal, maybe a bit less crowded, but probably safe. I need to find Twilight. She wasn’t anywhere outside, so must be in her house reading. Like I said, these ponies are very predictable. Out of nowhere, Derpy fall on top of me. “Oops! Sorry!” She said as she got off me. Then another pony tackled me. Once I could see who it was, I saw Lyra on top of me. “Lyra, what do you want? And get off me,” I said. “Bring me back to Earth! I want hands!” Lyra exclaimed. Derpy said, “Hands? Like those things monkeys have instead of hooves? I’ve always wanted to try those! Can I have hands, Neon? Please!” I crawled out from under Lyra, and firmly said, “No.” They both said in unison, “Please?” Anyone else would have broken down at how cute they are, but I won’t. I don’t want Lyra and her obsession with humans on Earth again. And as for Derpy... Yeah, that wouldn’t work out. I trotted across town, losing them in the crowd. There’s Twilight’s tree. I knocked on the door, expecting Spike to answer. He always answers. I wonder why Twilight can never answer. The door creaked open, with Spike walking away from the door, back upstairs. Twilight was at her desk, reading something. It’s like this all the time. “Do you understand your commands?” Said Fantasma to The Changeling Queen while they stood in her cave. “Yes yes, kill the one they call Neon.” The Changeling Queen said. “No! You will refrain from attacking him until I give the signal. And you will NOT be killing him at all, or else I will kill you. I don’t want him dead. I want him in pain. I want him to live with the fact that he lost.” “These humans taste horrible, their love is weak and badly expressed. I have no interest in the one you hate so much.” “I don’t hate him. I owe him.” Twilight walked around me, looking at me trying to focus my magic. She told me to meditate, which while I find complete bullshit to do, Twilight knows more about than me. A wispy cloud of magical aura was forming around me. It was purely cosmetic, having a glowing aura around me did nothing more than make me look cool. The reason why I’m still training, is because the holograms of me will only do so much. Oh yeah, that reminds me, the holographic projector is already set up, hidden inside of townhall. No one can see it, but it will only display holograms inside of townhall. There was a voice command microphone on it, so I just say the word, and it turns on. But enough about that, I need to think about my magic now. I can’t use pure magic to win a fight, but if I combine it with attacks I already use, then that might just work. Let’s see, how do I usually win fights? By thinking. I predict my opponent's attacks, and counter them. Sometimes I think so fast, that time appears to be in slow motion. I wonder if I can use magic to speed up cognitive abilities. Yeah, a spell that uses cognitive psychology and improves thought speed. I asked Twilight, who was still walking around me, “Is there a spell that uses cognitive psychology? Such as to speed up mental thought, so that the world around appears to slow down.” “Aw, of course! Why didn’t I think of that earlier? Well, yes, there are many spells that affect the mind. Although the problem being they’re often dangerous and few can do them. But they’re relatively easy to learn, compared to other spells. You have to think as if your whole body is virtual. Like you’re a ghost. You have to feel like you're in control of your body itself, like think very meta. Try to gather magic in your horn, and then use it on your brain, to control your body. It works kind of like a non-direct route. Instead of the magic going straight to your body, it takes a different path through your mind. This puts considerable strain on the body, because of the high magic usage. But since all body movements are made by your mind anyway, it makes you much faster in response times,” Twilight said. Uh, if this was a story, and I had to read all of that, I would’ve tl; dr and walked away from the book. But then again, I could talk for hours on end about computers. Wait, I think Twilight is still talking. “Plus the way it reconfigures the neural connections hasn’t been studied yet, we just don’t have the technology to...” Yep, she’s still talking. Uh, I must’ve drowned her out. But either way, this brain spell branch she’s talking about will be perfect for me.