//------------------------------// // You Bugs Really Bug Me // Story: It's A Screwed Up Life // by Autum Breeze //------------------------------// You Bugs Really Bug Me ___________________________________________________________ “I am incredibly disappointed in you, Diamond Tiara,” Spoiled says, looking down sternly at a wilting and ink-stained Diamond. “But... but, mother—” Diamond tries to explain. “No, “buts”, Tiara,” Spoiled cuts her off, making Diamond wilt more. “You were in charge of the school paper and you allowed those Blank Flanks to undermine your authority!” Spoiled stamps a hoof against the ground, causing Diamond to flinch. “When you are in charge, you must ensure all know never to go against your orders. You slacked, giving those beneath you the confidence to try opposing you and you failed because of it. A true leader does not allow those beneath her to gain any foreground. You’re just lucky your father is out on business at the moment, so he doesn’t have to be as ashamed as I am.” I watch from the top of the stairs, out of sight, glowering at the older mare. If you can’t tell, the last few days have been those in the episode Ponyville Confidential. A few days before that was the pegasi managed to get the water up to Cloudsdale, Dash got Tank as her pet, Pound and Pumpkin were finally born, Cranky Doodle Donkey moved into town, Iron Will made a mess of things with Fluttershy and Spike learned how he’s happier living as a pony than a dragon. I actually tagged along for the Great Dragon Migration, unbeknownst to Twilight, Rarity and RD, by turning myself into a dragon. How they didn’t notice my colour similarities is beyond me. Though I did observe that it was mainly the younger dragons that seemed to be, well, dicks. In fact, several of the more adult dragons had half-pulled me into a conversation about how tiresome the younger generation are. But, getting back to the here and now, today The Foal Free Press with the CMC’s apologies for all the hurtful gossip they’d been spreading came out, leading to Diamond being demoted and Spoiled being none too impressed that her favourite daughter was upstaged by three little ponies who don’t even have their Cutie Marks. Yeah, I said that. I’m just saying what she says, though. That’s the kind of mare I’m stuck living with. Man, I can’t wait to be rid of her. Oh, how am I going to be rid of her, you ask? Well, I’ve had spells set up all over the house since the first day I got here. What do these spells do? They record any period of time when Spoiled is talking down to either myself or Diamond. Why am I doing this? For proof when this goes to court. Oh, yeah. After the CMC get their Cutie Marks, that bitch is going straight to court for all the misery she’s caused my big sister and myself. As if the charges she’ll be facing in regards to what she did to me all those years before Discord saved me, on top of the emotional trauma she’s put Diamond through, I’ll have a school official witness to when she blatantly tears into the CMC about being worthless low-lives; Miss Cheerilee herself. However, that also means I cannot interfere right now as Spoiled belittles my sister, making her feel worthless beyond measure, no matter how much I want to just teleport down there and sock Spoiled right in her up-turned nosed face! It goes on for several more minutes, during which Diamond starts tearing up, which only makes Spoiled rag on her about how tears show weakness and how, if Diamond wants to get anywhere in the world, she must show no weakness at all. In the end, I have go to sleep that night, knowing my own sister is suffering, but, for the sake of the timeline, I can’t just end the suffering now. ___________________________________________________________ I float lazily through the air, just admiring how peaceful the day has been. And by peaceful, I mean I still have the sound of Spoiled’s sputtering after she woke up this morning to find her bed filled with marmalade, before walking into a cloud of cotton candy as she headed for the bathroom, followed by finding out I’d switched her shampoo with caramel and fudge. To be fair, she’s never smelled so nice before, so there’s a plus for her as far as I’m concerned. It’s been a few weeks since the incident with The Foal Free Press. For the most part, I’ve been able divert Spoiled’s focus on Diamond demoted role by having her focus her anger towards me. It’s pretty easy, seeing as she hates me anyway and, with pranks like I just mentioned I did this morning, how could she not focus all her attention into her hatred of me? Last week we had Family Appreciation Day, where I tried to stay interested when Daddy was giving a speech, I really did, but I just couldn’t find the talk about his business like Diamond did. An odd thing I noticed, though, and I’m not sure if it was in the show or not, but as I’d looked around to find something else to ocurpy my mind as Dad had gone on about his business, I’d notced there was one other pony save my sister who was paying close attention to Daddy’s speech, Twist. Though, it wasn’t just that she was paying attention, it’s that she had, as best as I can call it, a dreamy expression on her face as she sat with her head in her hooves, watching attentively. Though, the dreamy expression kind of unnerved me. I honestly hope Twist doesn’t have some kind of a schoolgirl crush on my dad, because that’s a foalcon warning if anything. If it is a crush, I hope it will be just that and that some other colt or filly will garner her attention later. Speaking off, Pipsqueak has tried several times to talk, though he’s always getting tongue-tied. I’m still trying to figure out how to let him down gently, but it’s not easy, especially with how my rejecting him could alter the future by making him too down-trodden to run for Student Pony President. God, trying to keep time in check can be a pain in the flank. Along with all that, I decided to travel with the others to find Applejack in the events of The Last Roundup. I didn’t help or anything, I was just there for the entertainment. Though, it did make me realize the two pegasi, one who was Fluttershy, were keeping up with a quartet of really buff Earth Pony stallions. It’s always the quiet ones you never suspect, even when you know not to suspect them. As for the events of Hearts and Hooves Day? Yeah, turns out the CMC wouldn’t have gotten a hold of that book containing the Love Poison recipe without my coincidentally directly Twilight to the book and then in that direction. As for the events of MMMystery on the Friendship Express? Oh, sweet Celestia! How much I facehoofed during Pinkie’s accusing the other bakers of doing what Rarity, Fluttershy and Dash did. I went along with them during that (namely for free baked goods), and even told Pinkie before we left her to guard the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness that I had placed spells on the other bakers’ rooms so they wouldn’t be able to leave until morning other than to use the bathroom or any similar reason, thus they could’ve had no part of the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness’ mutilation. As for what else I’ve been doing, well, just bumming around over the weekend, really. The CMC are currently trying to get their Sheep Shearing Cutie Marks, so I’ve just been lazily flying around. “My brother?!” The shout pulls me from my thoughts and I almost drop right out of the sky. Making a cotton candy cloud appear and plopping myself on it, I looked below and see Twilight going into a song I recongize as B.B.B.F.F., the song she sings to tell her friends, and for those watching the episode, an info dump about a character the show hadn’t mentioned til that moment. So, the events of A Canterlot Wedding are finally starting? About time! I blink, before facehoofing. That reminds me. I’ve one more thing to do that I’ve been putting off... though it does explain why Luna won’t be around during the invasion. With a pop I teleport, reappearing in Luna’s personal chambers, though I feel something nagging at my brain, but ignore it. I can’t help giving a warm smile as I see her cleaning something that wasn’t there several months ago. “Are you ready, Princes?” I ask, floating up next to her. Luna glances at me with a glint in her eyes and nods. I change into my normal human form and hold out my arms, in which is a small bundle of cloth. Luna takes it and slowly opens it, revealing a little black filly foal with a horn. Lifting more of the blank, she reveals the fillies bigger than I honestly expected onyx wings. I’m honestly taken aback by that. I wasn’t expecting her wings to be so big when she’s just a baby. Is it because she’s an Alicorn? Huh. What does that mean for Cadance’s future baby? Those thoughts are stopped as Luna moves the blanket down, revealing the Cutie Markless. Luna also only now seems to take notice of the ethereal mane of the filly. “Wait. Her mane... but, I thought...” Luna turns to me, confusion in her eyes. I frown at her. “What? You thought I was taking the filly in that story out? No, Luna. I took the lingering fragments of Nightmare’s essence from your old castle and turned it into this foal. Nyx is not a part of this universe and this is not her.” She looks down for a moment at the little foal, sleeping soundly, before re-wrapping it in the blanket, pulling her close, and kissing her on the forehead. “Thank you, Screwball.” “I can image this little one will take up a lot of your time, so you’ll not be helping too much with the wedding?” I almost laughed at the gawking expression at the mention of the wedding. “Luna, Chaos Pony, remember?” She blinks, before giving me a knowing smile. It’s now, however, I suddenly notice something feels off about where I am. Now that I think about it, when I entered Luna’s bedroom, it felt like my teleport had been diverted. Moving over to the window, I almost gape when I see the moon outside and the planet in the sky. Almost. So, Luna made a castle for herself on the moon. Guess that Frozen parody with Luna wasn’t too far off. “I will keep her here for now,” I turn at the Lunar Princess’ voice to see her lowering her new foal into the black-wood crib, with night themed blankets and a star mobile. “I feel I should wait until later to tell of her existence.” I frown, wondering if she’s been peaking into my dreams or something. Is she going to wait until Cadance announces her own pregnancy before revealing...? “What’re you going to call her?” I ask, realizing we hadn’t given the former Nightmare Moon a name. Luna looks down and gently passing a hoof over the sleeping foal’s ethereal mane and for the life of me I’ve no idea how she did that. “Blessed Moon.” I frown, thinking about that. “Hmm. Suppose it works. It sounds nice and the fact Moon is part of her name isn’t too obvious a throwback to Nightmare Moon. Nicknames wouldn’t be too hard either. Moony. Blessy, though I think Moony sounds cuter.” I shrug. “Alrigh’, Blessed Moon it is. She’s your daughter, after all. So, with the spells I’ve cast on her, her age’ll be in a sort of limbo state until Princess Cadance has her own baby.” Luna’s head snaps to me, her eyes going wide. I smirk. “What? She’s gonna get married soon. You think she and Shining Armour won’t do the deed? Also, they’re baby’s gonna be an Alicorn. Don’t ask how I know, I just do. Oh, and make sure not to explain it to your sister or anypony else. In fact, I’ll subconsciously lock that small part away in your mind so this isn’t a problem.” A snap of my fingers and I’m back to pony form and Luna has a distant look in her eyes, before she shakes herself. “Right. I’ll raise her here on the moon until the time to reveal her comes.” I nod. Good. That means Skyla being a naturally born Alicorn will take some of the heat off Luna’s baby looking just like Nightmare save no Cutie Mark. “Well, I’d better head down and see how Twi and the others and handling the wedding plans. Later, Lulu.” Her cheeks go red at the nickname, but she smiles and returns to the crib, looking down lovingly at Blessed Moon. With one last look back and a smile, I teleport away, ready to have my fun with the Changelings. ___________________________________________________________ Chrysalis left the kitchen, glad to be rid of those disgusting apple tarts. Disgusting things. Why did some of her scouts even suggest they weren’t bad? The only thing worth eating were emotions, love being the prime ideal. “Hi!” She almost jumped, before turning around and seeing a small pink filly with a purple and white mane and tail, wearing a beanie with a propeller on her head. Her Cutie Mark was a screw and what ponies called baseball. Her eyes, on the other hoof, were intriguing. Unlike every other pony she had come across since taking the real Mi Amore Cadenza’s place, the filly’s eyes were spirals instead of pupils. It was rather unusual, to say the least. And unusual was not something she needed right now. She gave a smile to fool the filly. “Hello, there. What are you doing in the palace, little one?” The filly gave what the Changeling in disguise could swear was a small smirk. “I’m here with Twilight Sparkle to help with the wedding, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.” The taller equine figure frowned. “Why did you say my title like that?” Something about the way the filly emphasized it did not sit well for some reason. The filly just gave a smile that was so exaggerated you’d have to be blind not to see it. “Like what Princess Mi Amore Cadenza? I'm just saying your name, aren't I?” Chrysalis frowned. Something was very off here. Why was this filly not acting like everypony else and fawning over her? Why did she not seem to care she was speaking with royalty? Why, when tasting this filly’s emotions, did she sense confidence, self-assurance and things none of the others she had encountered over during her whole plan had felt around her save the older princesses. And why did she keep emphasizing her disguise’s name? It was almost as if... The disguised Changeling saw a glint in the filly’s spiralling eyes and she winked. At once Chrysalis understood. This filly somehow knew she was not the real Mi Amore Cadenza. How she knew, the Changeling Queen had no idea, but she couldn’t allow her to ruin the plan. “Oh, don’t get your wings in a bunch,” the filly said calmly, walking past the disguised queen and looking back over her shoulder. “One, if I acted any differently now, my friends would know, so quickly replacing me isn’t going to work. Besides, I’ve no real plans to interfere with your invasion. In fact, I’m counting on it.” Chrysalis narrowed her eyes, but kept to her disguise. “What do you mean “you’re counting on it”?” The filly just gave a chuckle, one the queen was startled to find sent a chill up her chitin spine. “Let’s just say: I know how things play out and am looking forward to the show.” With that the filly marched down the hall, in the opposite direction Chrysalis needed to go for her next appointment in her ruse of a wedding. She stood in the hallway for a long while, watching the path the filly had taken, even after she had disappeared round a corner. Something was off. Who was that filly and why were her own plans a part of that filly’s? After several long moments, the queen decided to put those thoughts from her mind and focus back on the task at hoof. She’d have one of her undercover scouts keep an eye on the filly and report back. ___________________________________________________________ I watch, invisible to all as the rehearsal for the wedding plays out. Celestia smiles at Shining Armour and the pretend Cadance. “I’ll say a few words, and then we’ll begin with the vows. Shining Armour, you’ll get the ring from your best mare.” They all turn to see Spike playing with the figures meant to go atop the cake. “Hey...” Shining Armour says, looking around in confusion, “has anypony seen Twilight?” The doors bang open, showing Twilight. “I’m here! I’m not gonna stand next to her! And neither should you!” I have to repress a groan. Oh, this is hard enough to watch in the show. Seeing it in person (pony? still not sure about that) is going to hurt. Shining looks to whom he thinks is his wife. “I’m sorry, I... I don’t know why she’s acting like this.” “Maybe we should just ignore her,” the disguised Changeling mutters. I facehoof. Okay. Shining should’ve thought that would’ve been an odd thing for Cadance to say. You know, on top of that, having spent the day going around with Twilight and watching the events play out like in the episode, I noticed something else that both Shining and Celestia should’ve seen as odd. The magical aura. Celestia practically raised Cadance since her parents passed and Shining was the one bloody dating the Alicorn. You’d think they’d both have wondered why her aura went from the turquoise-blue it was to green, right? I watch uncomfortably as it all plays out, leading to everypony leaving to go comfort the pony they think is a distressed Cadance. I won’t lie; it really hurts seeing the look on Twilight’s face when Celestia walks past Twilight, saying, “You have a lot to think about.” I watch as Twilight sings the reprise, before the disguised Changeling Queen comes over, strokes Twilight’s head and makes her look up. “I’m sorry!” Twilight sobs. Chrysalis real eyes flash through her disguise for a moment, before she snarls. “You will be.” As I watch the sphere of fire surround Twilight and pull her down, I honestly have to shiver. Once I’ve shaken it off, I teleport down to the crystal caverns, expecting to hear Twilight and Cadance making up. What I hear, stops my blood for a second. “Twilight, stop! Please! I keep telling you, the Cadance who brought you down here is a fake. I’m the real Cadance!” “And I keep telling you, likely story! Now, clench your teeth—!” “Whoa, whoa whoa!” I cry, teleporting next to them, quickly lifting Twilight back with my magic and holding her in place. “Shit! If I’d known this world was going to follow more on the bad ending I’d have come sooner!” “Screwball, what are you doing?!” Twilight cries in anger, trying to use her magic, though I had the forethought to make sure she won’t be able to until I let her go. I lower her to the ground, but keep her from moving forward. “Let her prove it. I realize you’re angry that somepony’s planning something horrid with your brother, but, I’d think you’d at least not jump in head-first without thinking.” Besides, that’s more Celestia’s thing anyway. Twilight glares at me, then at Cadance. “And just how would she prove that?” “Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake,” Cadance tiredly begins. “Clap your hooves...” “ ...and do a little shake,” Twilight joins in, in shock. When Cadance turns back around and smiles, I release my hold on Twilight and she hurries forward and hugs her. “You remember me!” “Of course I do,” Cadance replies quietly. “How could I forget the filly I love to sit for the most?” “Um, ladies, I hate to break up this touching reunion,” I say, hovering over to them, “but we’re kinda pressed for time here.” It’s now that Cadance seems to take notice of the oddities that have happened since I arrived, including my hovering when I am clearly not a Pegasus. “Who...? How are you doing that?” she asks, mouth agape. “I’ll explain once you and Chrysalis finish your duet musical number, which is really more a solo, since she’ll be singing disguised as you, but that’s beside the point,” I wave off her question. “Um... what?” she glances at Twilight, who shakes her head. “Her name’s Screwball. We’ll explain the rest on the way.” So, we hurry off, making our way through the caverns as Cadance sings her half of the song, which, since I can’t her Chrysalis singing her part, actually sounds kinda odd for me, though Twilight doesn’t seem to notice. Once the song is over, I can’t help looking around the part of the cavern where we are. I plan on teleporting us out (I honestly don’t see any other way Twilight and Cadance could’ve gotten out of the caverns and to the wedding that fast, but I’ll just teleport us straight there), but I know we need to find the three ponies that were Chrysalis’ bridesmaids until she put them down here. “Oh, we’re never going to save him,” Cadance says in defeat. Twilight growls with determination as she keeps looking around. “We will. We just have to find...” she spots the shaft of light leading out, “There! Suddenly, Minuette, Lyra and Twinkleshine appear, their eyes glowing green as they say in unison, “You’re not going anywhere.” Yikes, that’s actually really creepy. “What do we do?” Twilight asks, looking to Cadance. I look around, trying to find the bouquet Cadance throws in the show, but don’t see one. That had always puzzled me, where she got it from. Though, since I’m here, I can guess where for this reality. I make one appear, before handing it to Cadance, who gets the hint, levitating it in her magic and waving it in front of the three, before tossing it. I honestly can’t help but laugh as they all leap after it, shouting, “I want it!” before a crashing sound indicates they all knocked each other out in a pony pile up. I quickly wipe the mind control away, teleport them outside, before teleporting us just outside the wedding hall, much to the shock of the guards stationed there. “Sorry, no time to explain,” I say, hitting them with a Sleep Spell, before nodding to Twilight. “Stop! ” Twilight shouts as she thrusts the doors open. “Ugh! Why does she have to be so possessive of her brother?” I hear Chrysalis mutter, before she sobs, “Why does she have to ruin my special day?” “Because it’s not your special day! It’s mine!” The fake Alicorn’s eyes widen as the real Cadance and I walk in behind Twilight. “What? But how did you escape my bridesmaids?” So we tell her, myself finishing, “Really, what did you expect? Doesn’t matter what mind control spell is put on someone, girls at weddings will lose all sense when it comes to the thrown bouquet.” Applejack looks from one supposed Cadance to the other. Ah-Ah don’t understand. How can there be two of ‘em? Cadance steps forward. “She’s a Changeling. She takes the form of somepony you love and gains power by feeding off your love for them.” Now, I expect Chrysalis to do her big reveal like in the show... so imagine my confusion when she points angrily at Cadance. “How do we know you’re not the Changeling, trying to ruin my wedding so you can feed on my husband-to-be’s love?” “Easy,” I smirk. “Show your real self.” At once there’s a flash of green fire and, rather un-dramatically, Chrysalis’ disguise is gone, showing her for what she really is. Everypony gasps, but she gawks in confusion. “What? But, how? Why did my disguise suddenly fail like that?” “So, why’s a bug-pony pretending to be the princess?” Rainbow asks. This seems to snap Chrysalis from her shock and her smirk returns. Oh, boy, here we go. Evil villain monologue time. “As your princess said, I am a Changeling. The queen, actually. And as queen of the Changelings, it is up to me to find food for my subjects. Equestria has more love than any place I’ve ever encountered. My fellow Changelings will be able to devour so much of it that we will gain more power than we have ever dreamed of! Cadance glares at her. “They’ll never get the chance! Shining Armour’s protection spell will keep them from ever even reaching us!” Queen Chrysalis chuckles. “Oh, I doubt that. Isn’t that right, dear?” Shining Armour robotically nods. “Mm-hmm.” Cadance moves to attack her, but Chrysalis lights her horn. “Ah, ah, ah. Don’t want to go back to the caves, now do you? Ever since I took your place, I’ve been feeding off Shining Armour’s love for you. Every moment he grows weaker and so does his spell. Even now, my minions are chipping away at it.” She laughs. “He may not be my husband, but he is under my total control now.” everyone gasps, but she continues. “And I’m sorry to say, unable to perform his duties as captain of the Royal Guard.” Cadance looks at him, distraught. “Not my Shining Armour!” Chrysalis sneers. “Soon, my Changeling army will break through. First, we take Canterlot. And then, all of Equestria!” “No. You won’t.” Celestia steps forward. It is now that I realize something. Celestia isn’t a pushover. The fact she fails in the show is really just plot convenience. Inwardly, I sigh, getting ready to limit Celestia’s magic at the right time. Damn it, timeline; sometimes I hate you. Celestia clashes horns with the Changeling Queen. “You may have made it impossible for Shining Armour to perform his spell, but now that you have so foolishly revealed your true self, I can protect my subjects from you!” With that the two start the horn laser battle and after a few moments, I use my magic to cut off the majority of Celestia’s magic, causing her to lose and be knocked aside. I could sense if I didn’t, she’d have won and we need that big climax from the two newlyweds to happen. Chrysalis sneers as Twilight and the others hurry over to help their princess. “Ah! Shining Armour’s love for you is even stronger than I thought! Consuming it has made me even more powerful than Celestia!” Eh. Gotta give her ego that bigger boast before she’s blasted out of Canterlot by a barrier powered by the very thing her kind feed on. As the others run off to get the Elements, Chrysalis laughs, calling out, “You can run, but you can’t hide!” With her distracted, I place a small on Celestia that will protect her from whatever affects the pod she’ll be put in would’ve had on her otherwise. It’ll also give any illusions that she’s being affected to the Changelings. Strangely, it seems I’ve been forgotten to the Changeling Queen, as she doesn’t pay me any attention. Not sure whether to be insult by that or not. Whatever the case, minutes later, after Cadance tell Chrysalis that Twilight and the others will stop her, they’re brought in. Though, I can tell from how closely they’re being monitored that Twilight won’t be able to go free Cadance from the goo binding her hooves. Well, with her out of the way, I guess it’s up to me. Using my magic, I dissolve the goo. Go to Shining Armour. Cadance looks around, before seeing me looking at her. How are you...? she mentally asks. Twilight and I told you on the way out. I’ve Chaos Magic, but I’m not meant to use it to end this. I point to the hpynotized stallion. Go to Shining Armour, now, Cadance, whilst you still can. She does and you all know what happens next, she frees Shining from Chrysalis’ control, they combined their power and blast the Changeling out of Canterlot and mostly from Equestria itself and the wedding moves along. ___________________________________________________________ As we watch the carriage taking off the newlyweds, Twilight sighs and looks to all of us, myself and Dash hovering above the group. “Now this was a great wedding.” “Oh, yeah?” Spike grins. “Just wait until you see what I have planned for the bachelor party! Everypony laughs, whilst I tell Spike that there had been mistake and, seeing as he’s only a baby dragon, didn’t actually know what a bachelor party was, so I disguised myself as Big Mac and hosted the part myself. The disappointment on his face isn’t nice, but I feel he needed to hear it, before he embarrassed himself further. But, Twilight’s right. This was a fun wedding. Plus, I can’t wait to go home and rub the fact that I helped out at Royal Wedding and helped in saving Equestria to Spoiled. Oh, the jealous will be sweet.