//------------------------------// // Trials and Tribulations (Train Wreck): Meeting With Your Maker // Story: Awkward Conversations And Other Stories // by No one is home //------------------------------// "Honestly, you're not nearly as much fun as I thought you'd be," Discord tsked as he floated over the sulking ruination of burned flesh before him, "Do you know Luna actually demanded that I change you back because she felt SORRY for you!?" "What do you want Discord?" The Giant asked with disinterest. "Oh don't be so glum, it's time for your semi-monthly performance review. Princess Purple-smart insists that performance reviews are important for the maintenance of standards, morale, and the optimum transference of friendship lessons." The draconequus sprouted a perfect replica of Twilight Sparkles mane as he spoke, eliciting an impatient sigh from his audience. "Oh come on that was funny. I thought you were the 'Bride of Laughter'? Well, fine then, let's start with what you've done right. You came out of the gates strong, and I really liked how you accidently beat up Fasties' guards. That couldn't have gone better. Everypony learned a valuable lesson, friendships were made, yada yada, I really expect more of that A-game from you in the future." "I'm kinda busy lying in a heap, right now," Train Wreck grumbled and rolled over to face away from his creator. "Really I thought you busy sulking and testing your wife's patience. You know they're not bringing you back any ice cream, right?" Discord continued his rambling cheerfully. "Where were we, oh yes... what you've done right. You rescued a little filly from a burning building. way to show off the chaotic GOOD, yay you. Also worth noting, you rescued an abused noble's daughter and then promptly claimed her into your harem, way to show off the CHAOTIC good, again, yay you." "I got buried under a collapsed burning building," the monster snorted, "Yay me." "Yes, you survived a fiery pit that would kill most OTHER alicorns, yay you indeed." Discord agreed with a chuckle. "Now let's get on to what you did... not so well. They told you that you couldn't ride a train, and you went along with it. I was... I hate to admit it, but I was less than proud of you that day." "What was I supposed to do?" The monster snapped in annoyance. "Well, lets see, Twilight says lists are really important in these sorts of things..." A list appeared in the Lord of Chaos' waiting paw. "For starters you could have wrecked the train. Not very good, but certainly chaotic. You could have boarded the train and sat quietly until they tried to remove you, gave up and called the nearest Princess, and eventually decided to be reasonable and just started the train with you onboard. Or, and this is my personal favorite, you could have taken a page from your adorable daughter's playbook and seen how much of that bat-guards head would fit in your mouth before he publicly soiled himself." "Now on to the last, and I'm really loathe to even bring this up, because it's partly... a lot... well mostly if I really MUST be honest, my fault..." Discord looked around with self conscious nervousness. "It's not your fault, what happened with the nobles," Train Wreck said with real feeling, "They would have reacted the exact same way if I had been human. Actually so would I. Property damage would have been less impressive. And the two private guards would probably be more brain damaged, and permanently impaired. But nothing that I did to the venerable Mr. Plate is anything I couldn't have done as a human with a good beating stick. Being a Giant Monster just made it more funny, and less clockwork orange. For the record, I have never once asked to be turned back. I just keep expecting ponies to stop acting like I'm going to eat they're horse babies." "Now THAT'S what everypony has been missing!" Discord laughed truthfully and grinned. "But that's not what I'm talking about. Honestly you handled the nobles in a satisfactory fashion. I'll admit I had my doubts at first. It was all sucky and doom and gloom, but then BOOM! Pie Storm. Nopony expects it to end in storm of pies. And no fancy 'snapping your fingers" for you, you used the family trebuchet. Which means you have a family Trebuchet." "I'm not sure why that surprised anypony. It took days to assemble. We started the day they took Carrot." Train wreck explained while Discord listened with uncharacteristic patience. "Ponies would ask what we were doing, and then they'd just write it off as the Pastels being the Pastels. So for for a week straight, between when we got Carrot back, and their big fancy garden party, we each baked 12 pies a day. When we weren't baking pies, we were researching Canterlot geographic surveys, and calculating ballistics. The P-FAP DS 167 was Surprise's baby. Nopony should ever know how she fit so many pies into such a small war-head. Building the trebuchet was the easy part." The chaos god chuckled to himself before continuing. “But as I was saying, you did a fine job handling the nobles. No the problem was the Nopony.” Train Wreck drew back sharply, and Discord let out a massive sigh. “And, if I have to be honest, and Fluttershy insisted that I really do HAVE to be honest about this… well… that was my fault. I knew all about the circus, and Madame Alias, and the drugs, and the drug orgy, and I said, ‘Meh, sounds like not my problem. This is why I made a monster alicorn-thing.’ If I had known…” “Is he… me?” Train wreck asked sheepishly. “Well now that’s a really tricky question,” Discord rubbed his chin thoughtfully, “In fact it’s so tricky I’m going to change the subject.” With a snap of Discord’s talons the Cupcake monster of East Decanter found himself deep in the caves beneath Canterlot castle, facing a giant toothy pink worm-snake. Discord smiled cheerfully at his creation. “Train Wreck, meet Mountain Flower. She going to teach you how to use your tazzle-snakes properly.” Before the giant tazzle pony could respond he was seized by the tazzle worm's own tendrils and drawn into its toothy maw. -=-=-=-=- “Train Wreck! We’re home! We have sherbert!” Surprise's voice sang out through the suite, when she suddenly noticed a large note written in mismatched crayon Dear Pastel Family, I borrowed your giant monster for educational purposes. I’ll have him back to you by tomorrow...ish. No more than three days. Four days tops. A week if he’s being more dense than usual. Love, Luck, and Polypropylene, Discord