//------------------------------//
// Chapter 14 
// Story: Wet Dreams 
// by totallynotabrony 
//------------------------------//

	It didn’t take very long to discover the source of the unexplained bacon smell.  The pig we’d rescued from Pen Island was on fire.  
“Well, that’s something you don’t see every day,” I commented.
“Ah’m more worried about the ship,” said Applejack.
“Uh, yeah, that’s a problem,” agreed Rainbow.
It was unclear which had combusted first—the swine or the boat—but between the pork, the wood smoke, and the salty flavoring of the ocean, it smelled exactly like bacon.
We stood on the pier for a minute, watching the fire.  I honestly didn’t feel too put out about it.  It sort of sucked that the ship was gone, but it was kind of a piece of crap to begin with.  I wondered if we could write to Celestia and have her pick us up with a rental boat.  She would most likely want to know where Twilight was, though, so it was probably not worth it.
Surprisingly, a pirate outpost like Blowhole had a sizable fire department.  I said as much to a large elephant that came walking by.
“Yep,” he agreed.  “We have to put out fires quickly before they become beacons for invasion.”
“Invasion from who?” I asked.
“You’ll know them when you see them,” he replied cryptically.  “Anyway, I’m Green Fuzz.  Nice to meet you.”
He gently bumped my hoof with his massive foot.  “Fleet Admiral Valiant,” I said.  “Well, I guess it’s not much of a fleet anymore.”
The elephant shrugged.  “Ships happen.”
I laughed.  “I like you.  Where’d you get that name, anyway?”
“There was this incident in which my crew and I were out of supplies and were reduced to eating mold that we found in crevices on the ship.  I was the only one who could eat the green fuzzy kind and not get sick.  Subsequently, I was the only one who survived.”  The elephant shrugged.  “Anyway, after that every pirate decided I was a tough guy and made me Mayor of Blowhole.”
Green Fuzz burped suddenly and all the fire fighters and dock workers in the area suddenly stopped what they were doing and ran away, cheering.
I stared after them.  “What—”
“Sorry about that,” said the elephant.  “There’s a local tradition that whenever the mayor belches in public, work for the rest of the day is immediately called off.”
“Meanwhile, there’s still a burning ship,” I pointed out angrily.
He shrugged again.  “The prophecy says that only the Mysterious Moose Key can unlock the secrets of prosperity and work not tied to the local leader’s burps.”
“It’s still a stupid policy,” I said.  “However, I think I can help you.”
The small key that had been aboard the submarine had been on a string around Rarity’s neck most of the time since we’d found it.  It was closest thing to jewelry she could find aboard the ship.  Green Fuzz’s eyes lit up when he saw it.
“Oh my,” exclaimed the elephant.  “This may be the very thing we were looking for.”
“If you say so.”  Me, the ponies, and Spike followed him through the town and up the side of the volcano.  There was a small metal door set into the solid rock, and a keyhole that fit the moose key perfectly.
“Here we go.”  Green Fuzz grinned and twisted the key in the lock with his trunk.  Everyone oohed and ahhed as the door swung open.  I’ll admit to making some noises of surprise and delight, too.
It was gold.
Yeah, pretty much.
From a historical point of view, it was pretty amazing.  There were all kinds of artifacts and stuff from the time of the moose.  There was some more weird writing that plausibly sounded like it had produced Astikus Alchés, the name of the submarine.
From a technological point of view, there was stuff in there that was probably old but looked modern, as if it had been invented long ago and modern society had only just caught up.  Tools, paper and writing utensils, clothing, and armor.
From a money point of view, oh my God, the gold!  Everything was gold.  Like, everything.
Green Fuzz slammed the door shut, eyes wide.  “It’s all true,” he said.  “The prophecy has been fulfilled.”
“Care to explain?” I asked.
“I would, but we don’t have time,” he said, gazing out from our vantage point on the volcano.  “The invasion is about to start.”
“Ah don’t like the sound of that,” said Applejack.
“Good heavens,” exclaimed Rarity.
“You still haven’t told us who is invading or why,” pointed out Rainbow.
Fluttershy made a small squeaky noise.  Spike bit his fist, probably attempting not to blurt out something stupid about aliens or zombies or whatever he read about in his comic books.  Pinkie started to say something about an invasion party, but thought better of it.
“Come with me quickly,” said the elephant.  “We’ll talk on the way.”  And he did.  By the time we got back to town, he’d told us everything.
Step one of the prophecy was pretty simple: a ship would catch on fire.  That’s why they had a fire department that tried to prevent such a thing from happening.
Step two involved opening the mysterious moose door on the volcano.  It had been locked for as long as any creature on the island could remember, and none of the residents of Blowhole knew what was inside.
Step three was an invasion.
Step four was the reversal of the mayor’s burps from a signal to stop work to a signal to start.
“None of this makes any sense,” I said.  “Granted, what we saw behind that door was pretty cool, but you could have broken the chain of events by simply not opening it.  Now that you have opened it, you’ve set the island up for an invasion.  And just what the hell does any of this have to do with the workers’ reaction to burping?”
Green Fuzz shrugged.  “I don’t write the prophecies.”
I facehoofed.  “Fine.  I guess we’ll deal with the invasion when it comes.”
All of us looked around.  No signs of attack.
“Can we have a ‘no invasion yet’ party?” asked Pinkie.
“Look!” said Fluttershy, pointing.  A dolphin washed up from the surf, flopping in the sand.  We all ran down to the beach.  Fluttershy was making noises of worry the whole way.
As we got there, the dolphin stood up on his tail and cleared his throat.  “Attention creatures of the island: We’re invading you.”
“Well, that was straightforward,” I said.  “But why?"
The dolphin thought for a moment.  “Well, who else should be in control of a place called Blowhole?”
I certainly didn’t like getting invaded, but I had to admit he had a point.  Behind him, a couple dozen other dolphins rose out of the water, hopping onto dry land with their tails.
“It’s like a Dolphin Army,” said Rainbow with wonder.
“They’re ocean creatures.  It’s more like a Dolphin Navy,” said Applejack.
“Wait a moment,” I said.  “They’re coming from the water onto the land.  I think that would make them…Dolphin Marines?”
“Regardless, they’re kind of invading us,” said Green Fuzz.  The dolphins were rather less violent than a TV show I had watched once that had roughly the same plot.  I figured they would probably stage a peaceful protest at the courthouse or something.  I didn’t know how else they would take over.
We watched as dozens of dolphins exited the sea and moved past us…along with one purple unicorn.  Twilight’s eyes were vacant and she hopped along just like the sea creatures around her.
“Ohmygosh,” said Pinkie.  “Has she been brainwashed?”
We all fell into ranks with the dolphins, walking alongside Twilight, who didn’t appear to recognize us.
“What’s the standard way to un-brainwash someone?” I asked.  The five ponies, and the dragon and elephant looked at each other, but said nothing.
I shrugged.  “Time to break new ground.  I love experimental medical procedures.”
So I bucked Twilight in the head.  Maybe just a little too hard.  Instead of coming to her senses, she hit the ground, out cold.
Suddenly, all the dolphins were giving us unpleasant looks.  “That was our newest recruit,” said one of them.
“She wasn’t much of a swimmer, but she had determination,” added another.  The whole group of them began to close in around us.
“Backup plan!” I shouted.  I raced away, back towards the docks.  Dolphins aren’t so great at ground speed, and we were able to outpace them.
The toasted hulk of We’re going to kill you all was right where we had left it.  The top deck surface had pretty much burned away, but everything below the waterline was unaffected.
I released the cargo hold full of crocodiles.  “Go forth and make sure you attack the ones who wronged the ones who wronged you!”
I have no idea whether the crocs understood or not, but sure enough they chased the dolphins back to the sea.  Somewhere along the way, Green Fuzz had picked up Twilight’s comatose form.  We sent her to the local medical clinic.  The rest of us partied.
It was a pretty good ‘so happy we didn’t die’ party, one of the best I’d ever attended.  Green Fuzz took me aside, a happy look on his face.  “We can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done.  I’m sure we can have a new ship built for you very quickly.”
“But how?” I asked.  “You’ve let all the workers go because you burped.”
“Ah, but it’s been reversed now,” he reminded me with a smile.
Regal flatulence drifted from the mouth of Green Fuzz, generating economic facility as the dockyard workers all cheered and returned to their previously scheduled duties.  Strangest damned thing I ever saw.
“Yay, working party!” said Pinkie.  The festivities continued for quite a while.  Twilight, when she woke up later, was sad to have missed it.

When Twilight finally did come to her senses, we were leaving the coast of Blowhole behind.  She looked around, not recognizing the ship we were on.
“What did I miss?” the unicorn asked, groaning in pain from her bruised head.
I thought for a moment.  “Let’s see…after you walked the plank, you were apparently brainwashed by dolphins.  Meanwhile, the rest of us met some nice pirates who kindly put out our ship when it suddenly caught on fire.  Then we got embroiled in some ancient prophecy that had something to do with a highly advanced moose society that liked to build little rooms into the side of volcanos and submarines.  After that, the dolphins—including you—invaded the island, but we sicked the CargoCrocs on them.  In gratitude, the pirates built us this nice new ship.”
Twilight nodded.  “I’m not sure whether it’s harder to believe that actually happened, or that you made up a story that complicated on the spot.”
“Well, maybe this will help.”  I pulled up the hatch to the cargo hold and showed her what was inside.
“That’s a lot of gold,” she observed.
I nodded.  “Yeah, while everyone was distracted by the party I helped myself.”
“You stole it, Valiant!” Twilight shouted.
I shrugged.  “But I also took the documentation, writing samples, artifacts, and even the roast beast.”
“Well, I suppose that will give me a lot to study,” admitted Twilight.  She frowned, “Wait, what was that last one?”
“Instead, why don’t you worry about how we’re sailing the ocean on a pirate-built vessel and have none of the proper flags and paperwork to prove we’re with Equestria?” I suggested.
Twilight’s eyes went wide.  “You’re right.  I need to send a letter to the Princess right away.”  She went off to find Spike.  Meanwhile, I hoisted the pirate jack to the top of the mast.  You know, the one that had a picture of Celestia eating some—
Suddenly, Twilight came back.  “We’ve been denied status as an Equestrian Navy research and exploration vessel.  They say that anything to do with pirates would make the rest of the fleet look bad.”
“Screw ‘em,” I said.  “We can be pirates anyway.”
Twilight nodded.  “It’s funny you mention that.  The Princess regrets not letting us back into the fleet, so instead of true Navy status, we’ve been issued a privateer license.”
“So we’re…pirates with a government charter?” I asked.
Twilight sighed.  “I wish you wouldn’t use that word, but yes, that’s the legal definition.”
I thought for a moment.  “This certainly changes things.  Who ever heard of a pirate research vessel?”
"We'll just have to be careful," said Twilight.  "I'm going to go send another letter to tell about the treasure we collected.  I'm sure it's valuable to somepony."
She started away, but stopped.  "Oh, what's the name of this ship?"
I opened my mouth, but she held up a hoof.  "Never mind, I don't want to know."
As she dissapeared below deck, I shrugged.  What was so wrong about naming the vessel after our fallen companion?  I grabbed some paint and went back to my duties of adding the name to the side of the ship.
Bacon