//------------------------------// // June 2016 - DrEggnog - Cyborg Pony Picnic // Story: SS&E's Lemurific Box of Pretense and Prose // by shortskirtsandexplosions //------------------------------// "Snuggle. You." Clank! "Snuggle. You." Clank! "Snuggle. You." Clank! "Snuggle. You." Clank! Afternoon sunlight glinted off Rarity's curvaceous titanium chassis as her skull repeatedly thrust forward, colliding her riveted jawline with the nape of Fluttershy's cadmium alloy neck. The two sat on a tinfoil picnic blanket outside of central Ponyville, surrounded by their closest of synthetic companions. "Snuggle. You." Rarity thrust her neck forward. Clank! Her skull bounced off Fluttershy's shell, only to repeat. "Snuggle. You." She ricocheted. Clank! The unicornbot paused, her optic apertures momentarily rotating in and out. Steam vented from the seams between her legjoints, and then—after a digital bout of silence: "Snuggle you." Clank! "Snuggle you." Clank! Fluttershy—undaunted by the android fashionista's platonic advances—continued tying a rust-red bow with iron fibers. When her efforts yet again proved too stiff—CRACK—the half-completed bow shattered into brittle pieces. The hydraulics within Fluttershy's neck hissed—almost like a sigh. Limply, she tossed the bent piece of shrapnel into an ever-increasing landfill of scrap cascading down the side of the hilly picnic area. Then, with whirring joints, she reached to her immediate left and—SCRKKKKKKK—peeled loose a ten-by-three foot strip of metal off a derelict battleship's hull, further skeletonizing the once-proud dreadnaught. "Ecstatic Proclamation of Joy." A robot horse made of shiny pink servos and motors hopped towards the blanket, shaking the earth with her thousands upon thousands of kilograms of steel-reinforced cybermass. THUD! THUD! THUD! Her head pivoted until a burning mess of fuchsia wool spilled sparks across the burnt grass. "The solar exposure of this current solar cycle does wonders for my equine complexion. Imperative requisition of information: does this unit's collection of familiars with female exoskeletal design experience the bumps of the goosing?" Whirrrrrrr! Fluttershy's head pivoted to meet Pinkie Pie's. "I am comprised of neither water fowl nor awkward epidermal topography." She finally tied a bow with the titanium material and reached forward. Angel Bunny—already pinned to the earth by his left ear—shrieked and squeaked desperately. He was too late to stop his owner, and soon he was faceplanting from the weight of the metal bow on his right ear. "There, there, Organic Unit Known as Angel Bunny," Fluttershy rustedly gurgled. "It prevails upon you as of this microsecond to be the most verile participant of a superfluously cultural meat pageant." Pinkie pivoted her burning head towards Rarity. "Obligatory social inclusion: does the Rarity unit also enjoy the current social simulation of atmospheric resonance?" "Snuggle. You." Clank! "Snuggle. You." Clank! Rarity paused briefly in headbutting Fluttershy. Her head tilted aside. "What she computed." She turned back to Fluttershy and resumed. "Snuggle. You." Clank! Pinkie Pie leaned back. "Acknowledged. Initiating OkieDokieLokie.exe." Scht-Schtunk! Several metal barbs shot down the lengths of her legs and anchored her deep in the burning soil. Whurrrrrrrrrrr! Two lateral VTOL engines opened in her flank, generated a cyclone of heat, and then culminated with—POWWW!—a blast of tarnished confetti exploding from her metallic orifices. "This concludes the emergency broadcast soiree." "Grfdlkgjkgllff!" Angel Bunny gurgled into the wet soil. Off in the distance, a mountain exploded. It took over ten seconds for the shockwave to reach the picnic scene. When it hit, the blast was deafening. Angel flipped upside down—flailing in the air like a windsock from where the bows anchored him. Then—when the blast was over—the creature fell whiskers-first back in the dirt. Overhead, two alicorn bodies soared after one another, blasting bright red beams of deathly energy from their horns. More mountains exploded while forests caught on fire. It was at this moment that Spike spontaneously arrived in an orange-and-lavender mech suit. Whirrrrrrrr! Thunka-Thunka-Thunka-Thunka-Thunka! The dragon yanked at the controls, calmly grinding the eight-legged machine to a stop. Its steam pipes hissed as he wiped his brow and climbed out of the pilot's compartment. "Sorry for being late, girls! There's a big crater in the spot where the clothes store used to be." "Patronizing form of shallow forgiveness: you must not worry your squishy organic cranium about it, draconian breeder known as Spike," Pinkie Pie said. "Hey, Rarity!" Spike smiled. He reached into mallet space and pulled out a quartet of striped pink stockings. "I brought you the socks you asked for!" "Snuggle. You." Clank! "Snuggle. You." Clank! Rarity paused again, looking over from Fluttershy. "My name is R4R1T33 Version 1.337. Please insert socks." "Your wish is my command, my lady." Buildings erupted in flames and death lasers tore through the earth as Spike squatted down besides Rarity's titanium-capped limbs. "Now... they may not exactly be oil resistant, but I think you'll find them water-proof enough for—" Fluttershy interrupted: "What of lavender unit and freckled unit?" "Oh. My bad." Spike cleared his throat and spoke over his shoulder. "Computer. Initiate Bifurcation Protocol Spike Zero Zero Delta One." At his command, the orange-and-lavender mech split apart from the inside out, unraveling with a ridiculous array of articulate motions and rattling sounds. Twenty seconds and a three hundred million bit budget later, Twilight Sparkle and Applejack stood atop the aluminum picnic blanket. "Commencing with the picnic of the horse friends," Twilight Sparkle said, then twitched with sparks flying. "Friends." Zzzt! "Friends." Zzzzt! "Friends—" CLANG! A pair of orange hooves swatted her in the center chassis. Twilight's eyes strobed. Her ears retracted, vibrated, then shot back out with a ding(!) sound. "A thousand grateful platitudes, Agriculture-Jack-Bot." "You were stuck in a friendship loop, Sugar of Cubes." Applejack positioned herself over a fallen log and sat down. SMASH! Wooden splinters splashed outward in every direction as the mare removed her hat, exposing glowing fiberoptics and flickering circuitry. "One can feel the wind through one's artificial keratin simulants." "I concur," Twilight Sparkle droned. Two alicorns collided in the sky overhead. Their combined weight plowed into the earth, producing a mushroom cloud of erupting magic and energy. After the ensuing blast wave of soot and smoke, Twilight Sparkle rotated her head until she was staring at the others. "Has anypony seen Rainbot Dash?" FWOOOOOOOSH! A burning blue missile flew straight towards the earth. "AWESOME.EXE HAS EXPERIENCED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION—" THUDDDDDDDDD! The rusted battleship behind Fluttershy exploded into a thousand bits of burning shrapnel. Angel Bunny yet again shrieked into soil. The thunder took half-a-minute to settle. Whurrrr. Twilight Sparkle jerked in place. "Has anypony seen Rainbot Das—?" "Interjectory inquisition." Pinkie Pie faced the two new arrivals. "Would Twilight of the Sparkle desire unnecessarily fattening sustenance?" "Affirmative," Twilight Sparkle nodded. "All systems have appropriated an acceptance of your generous offering." Pinkie fired a missile into Twilight's skull. POW! When the smoke cleared, Twilight Sparkle stood on the edge of the picnic. Headless. Whurrr! A panel slid open in her chest, exposing a plasma screen that broadcasted a dancing sound wave: "Much appreciated," her voice crackled. Regal screams lit the background. Two alicorns sailed out of a mound of collapsed earth, wrestling in mid-air. "Sister!" Princess Celestia's voice rang. "You must dethrone Tiberius! Possums are not allowed to rule Equestria as kings!" "How many times must we tell thee?!" Princess Luna hollered, her eyes glowing white hot. "He is a steward!" She opened her mouth three times large and vomited a flock of spectral bats into Celestia's face. Celestia shrieked. With dexterous movements, she grabbed Luna from behind and suplexed her into Ponyville City Hall. POWWW! The metal fibers of the ponies' manes settled after a few seconds, during which Applejack continued gazing at the sky. "The aysmmetrical nature of the cumulus formations in the troposphere are occupying the majority of my operating systems." "Snuggle. You." Clank! "Snuggle. You." Rarity looked over Fluttershy's skull. "Provide due exposition, she who would be Agriculturejack." She looked back. "Snuggle. You." Clank! Applejack rubbed the exposed wiring in her cranial unit. "The moisture cloud on the left possesses polynumerous spherical geometry. If I was to execute an artificial simulation of organic retroactive pattern recognition, then I would venture to draw multiple conclusions, each with varying degrees of cyberpsychological authenticity." "Yeah?" Spikie continued sliding the pretty robo-socks onto Rarity's limbs, one slinky pink article at a time. "Do tell, AJ '98." "AJ XP." "Heh..." Spike blushed. "My bad." "I suggest that you illustrate the computational results in descending order from most to least relevant," Twilight said. Her torso then pratfalled, collapsing over Angel Bunny's writhing figure. THUD! Applejack pointed at the heavesn. "Seventy-Five Percent Likelihood: The Clouds Resemble the Milk-Provisional Mammary Glands of an Adult Nursing Equine Female." Her ears twitched, shooting sparks. "Twenty-Two Percent Likelihood: The Clouds Resemble a Ball Pit for Foalhood Amusement and Fecal Sanitary Obfuscation." Another twitch. "Two Percent Likelihood: The Clouds Resemble Facets of Historical Pre-Classical Era Philosphe Jasperstallion's Abstract Existential Encompassing." "Yeah?" Spike looked over his shoulder. "And what about the remaining one percent?" Whirrrr! "Testicles." "Heh..." Spike smirked. "I'm surprised you went with the Sigmane Freud part last." "A consequence of not possessing reproductive organs tied with one's central neural net," Applejack droned. "Also tobacco." "Well, it's easy to weigh in so many abstract thoughts into the visual spectrum," Spike said. He raised one claw. "No matter how you twist it, AJ, they're just clouds." He gestured with a metal limb. "On the other hand—" The dragon whelp froze in place. He blinked at the mechanical servos encompassing his shiny wrist. "Huh..." Twilight writhed on the ground, her voice wafting digitally through the burning atmosphere. "One may posit that the spiritual zeitgeist of all living things—artificial or incidentally natural—nevertheless possess the same innate imposition of subjective presumptuousness." Sparkes flew. "Also, I have a small furry mammal entangled with my neurofibers." "Isn't he so handsome in his bows?" Fluttershy murmured. "Snuggle. Y—" Rarity paused. "Fluttershy—she, would be darling—are you programmed to pronounce contractions?" A pause. Fluttershy's head spun around multiple times. "ERROR. ERROR. ERROR. ERROR." POWWWWWW! Fluttershy exploded. Because eggnog. "Southern expletive!"" Applejack shook. "The cumulus formation has shifted! The mammary glands have decreased in percentage!" "Yeah... uh..." Spike grimaced, gazing at an exposed metal endoskeleton beneath his fireblasted scales. "Hold that thought." Paling, he glanced down between his legs. "Oh! Well... that's not so bad..." Thudddd! Celestia landed beside them, forming a trench in the smoldering earth. "Mrmmmf!" She snarled, standing up. "This ends now, sister!" "Silence, thyself, foul wench!" Princess Luna spread her wings and shot a barrage of magic missiles down at her older sibling. "LUNAR JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOV—" Of course, she was sniped by a pink missile. POW! "Aaaaaugh!" She fell hard, forming a crater. Pinkie Pie stood, her lateral rocket launchers still smoking. "Belated interrogative formulation: do you want sprinkles with that?" And she retracted the metal panels. Clank!