//------------------------------// // The Culprit Revealed // Story: HUMAN World // by Razalon The Lizardman //------------------------------// A small, green car turned left into the first cul-de-sac of a small suburban neighborhood. Its headlights shone brightly as it drove past every house, straight into the driveway of the house at the far end. Upon parking in its designated spot, and once the engine had been turned off, the driver’s door opened and a young, brown-haired man wearing a gray and blue uniform and black jeans stepped out. The man walked across the driveway and up to the front door of the house, whereupon he used the house key on his ring to open the door and step inside. “The boy is home!” a masculine voice jokingly called from the living room. “How was work!?” “Uneventful,” the man replied, flatly. Anything else his dad might’ve said was lost to his ears as the man ascended the stairs immediately to his left. He then turned right down the upstairs hallway, entering the door at the very end. With a deep, exhausted breath born from a hard day’s work, he went about preparing for bed. His work clothes were swapped for pajamas, and he completed brushing his teeth and taking his evening sleeping medication in a couple minutes. Re-entering his room, he briefly considered turning on his computer and doing some writing, but decided against it, as he needed a good night’s sleep to prepare for his morning shift. With a yawn, he got into bed and pulled the covers over him, settling his head against the pillow with a casing depicting a wide variety of colorful, pastel ponies, among other creatures. Eventually, he drifted off to sleep, in spite of the distant sound of police sirens. “They’re still on us, Twilight!” Rainbow shouted from the back of the van. “I know, Rainbow!” Twilight replied, glancing away from the rear-view mirror. The van bobbed and weaved between cars like a snake between rocks, rocketing down the street at dangerous speeds and making it very difficult for the unbuckled ponies within to keep their footing. Rarity made do by clinging to the passenger’s seat, while Rainbow wedged herself in a back corner, occasionally glancing through the back window, always to see a blinding cacophony of flashing red and blue lights atop white police cruisers. At one point, the van bumped against the road’s dividing median, causing it to lurch and make Rarity momentarily lose her grip on the seat. Taking a moment to reorient herself, she turned to Twilight. “Do we even know where we’re going?” she asked. Twilight nodded, keeping her expression calm and collected despite the current situation. “If this comic’s world is based on the on-screen portrayal, then our turnoff should be coming up in a minute.” “But how’re we gonna lose the cops!?” Rainbow called from her spot in the back. “I don’t know!” Twilight replied. “But I’ll think of something!” “Well think faster! ‘Cause they’re gaining on us!” Another glance in the rear-view mirror confirmed that, indeed, the police cruisers were catching up with the van. The closest one was driving up alongside the van’s right side, gradually closing in. Confused at first, it quickly dawned on Twilight what exactly the cruiser’s strategy was. “Pinkie, hit the brake!” she said. Pinkie said nothing for a moment, before, “How can you give up so easily, Twilight!?” “Wha– No! Just do it, and quickly hit the accelerator again when I say so.” A second later, the van’s speed cut down in an instant, to which the police cruiser shot past and in front. “Now!” Twilight cried. The van’s speed instantly picked back up again. Twilight turned the steering wheel sharply to the right, straight into the side of the police cruiser. A loud metallic slam accompanied the collision, and the two vehicles remained attached as they barreled down the road. “Press harder, Pinkie!” Twilight said, even as she exerted more force of magic on the steering wheel to make it turn sharper. The front end of the van began pushing against the police cruiser, scraping alongside as it pushed the other vehicle out of the way, eventually making it swing around in front of the van. Free to move once again, the van shot past it down the road, now with more space between it and the line of police cruisers. “Whoa, that was awesome, Twilight!” Rainbow shouted. “Indeed, darling,” Rarity agreed, “that was quite the impressive display of strategic thinking on your part.” “Don’t congratulate me just yet,” Twilight said, her expression set to one of concentration. Soon after, she spotted the turnoff. The police cruisers had started catching up to them again by the time she made the turn, and with the street they were on being devoid of any other cars, it left them all the more room to catch up with the van. “We’re almost there, girls!” she shouted over the growing sound of police cruiser sirens. “Heads up, Twi!” Rainbow shouted. “They’re going for another sideswipe!” “Pinkie, more speed! Quickly” The van sped ahead as it rounded a bend, leaving the cruisers trailing far behind. Ahead, Twilight could see the turnoff leading to Warren’s home neighborhood. Looking in the rearview mirror again, she grimaced upon seeing the cruisers were picking up speed themselves. They needed a new tactic. Twilight waited until the van had just reached the turnoff before yelling, “Brakes!” The van screeched to a halt in the middle of the street, the back end lifting in the air a little from the momentum before plopping back onto the pavement. Rarity looked over to her. “Twilight, what are you–?” “Everypony hang on!” In a flash of light, all four friends disappeared from the van, re-appearing a second later outside on the road leading into the neighborhood. The ponies’ initial dizziness only lasted a second before their ears perked up upon hearing the cruisers approaching behind them. Turning, they saw three of them circle the van, but they could see the officers within shouting and pointing in their direction. “Run!” Twilight shouted. Her friends needed no further instruction. While Rainbow Dash flew above their heads, the other three took off at a quick gallop down the street, with Twilight in the lead. They’d only made it to the next intersection when they heard screeching tires behind them. A brief glance back showed one of the cruisers was speeding down the street right behind them. “Out of the way, girls!” Twilight commanded as she charged up her horn. Her friends dashed to the side, clearing a path for her charged magic beam. It struck the cruiser’s front right tire, piercing it with a loud pop and sending rubber shreds everywhere while the cruiser skidded to a stop against the curb. The ponies continued running, not even bothering to check if the officer was still pursuing them on foot as they turned another corner. A big, relieved smile spread across Twilight’s face upon seeing Warren’s house at the far end of the upcoming cul-de-sac. “Twi-liiiight!” Looking back again, the others saw a very red-in-the-face Rarity sluggishly lumbering behind, looking to be on the verge of collapsing. “I gotcha, Rarity!” Twilight replied. She lit her horn, and enveloped the alabaster unicorn in her telekinesis, bringing her over to the group. “Thank you very much, Twilight darling,” Rarity wheezed. The four made their way down the cul-de-sac, eventually descending down Warren’s driveway under the cover of darkness, the only source of illumination for the cul-de-sac aside from the moon and stars being a single street light. Looking back revealed no police cruisers or men following them, but the sirens could still be heard not far away. “Well, we’ve finally made it,” Twilight noted, setting Rarity down onto the pavement while staring up at Warren’s house. It looked exactly as she remembered it from the HUMAN Crystalvision adaptation. “Now all that’s left is to get in, find Warren, and we’re outta here.” The four stepped up to the front porch, whereupon Twilight tried using her magic on the front door. “It’s locked,” she said. “No problem,” Rainbow said with a confident grin. She flew up and made to back away, ready to charge the door, only to be stopped by Rarity’s telekinesis. “Let’s try a less barbaric method, why don’t we?” Rarity suggested, her tone dry. “Not enough time!” Pinkie said. The other three ponies turned to the pink mare, and their eyes bugged out by what they saw. Pinkie was holding, apparently with little to no effort, a large black bench that had previously been resting on the porch over her shoulder. “Fire in the hole!” she shouted, and heaved the bench at the nearest window. The bench smashed through the window with a resounding crash, tearing the center divider apart and ripping the inside curtains in half. Inside, a pair of startled shouts could be heard in response. “C’mon girls!” Pinkie said as she hopped through the window. The other three could only stare blankly for a moment. “... Uh, right,” Twilight said finally, and followed Pinkie inside, soon followed by Rarity and Rainbow Dash. They came into what looked to be the dining room, indicated by both the large wooden table set into the center of the room and the cabinet filled with glassware along the far wall. “What was that!?” came an enraged shout, followed by hurried footsteps approaching. “The stairs!” Twilight shouted. The ponies rushed across the foyer and up the stairs, disappearing just as Warren’s dad came around the corner. Upon reaching the top they found themselves in a hallway; the left led around a corner, while the right led to a cluster of doors. “Which way, Twilight?” Rainbow asked. Twilight’s reply was interrupted by a very loud and very angry “Get down here!” from the first floor. Looking down, they saw a large, balding man turn around the banister onto the stairs, only for his eyes to bug out at the sight of the ponies. Twilight bolted to the right. “It’s the door at the far end, girls!” The four charged down the hall, quickly finding themselves in front of Warren’s room. Twilight used her telekinesis on the doorknob, opening it and ushering her friends inside before closing it behind herself. After taking a moment to catch her breath, Twilight joined her friends in surveying the room. A black desk holding Warren’s computer sat against the wall directly in front of them, while the far wall held two open closet doors containing various clothes and other items. But it was the bed directly to the ponies’ right that caught their attention. More specifically, the sleeping form under the dark blue sheets, its brown-haired head resting atop a pillow whose casing sported a picture of them and many of their friends and a few acquaintances. The ponies walked up alongside the bed, staring with interest at Warren. “So, we’re finally here?” Rainbow said. “Mhmm,” Rarity replied with a nod. At that moment, Warren shifted a little on the bed, ending up facing the ceiling. “Aw, he looks so cute when he’s asleep,” Pinkie cooed. Her mane then reached into itself and pulled out the black marker, only to have it be swatted away by Rarity. “No, Pinkie!” she admonished. Pinkie pouted. “Killjoy,” she muttered. “That’s enough, girls,” Twilight said. She lit up her horn and moved closer to Warren’s head, only to hesitate for a moment, before planting a kiss on his forehead. “Sweet dreams, Warren,” she said with a smile, before unleashing her memory transfer spell onto him. Immediately, there was a bright flash of white light, and Twilight felt herself being sucked up into the air along with her friends, before she suddenly found a cobblestone walkway rushing to meet her. She impacted the cobblestone with a hard thud, her discomfort quickly multiplied when she felt her friends pile on top of her one after another, letting out a pained grunt each time. “That was just as bad as the first time,” she heard Rarity groan. “Owww,” Rainbow droned. “Hey, you guys are back, finally!” The four friends took a couple of seconds to get off of each other. Reorienting herself, Twilight took stock of their surroundings. Immediately, she recognized the surrounding buildings as belonging to Canterlot’s commercial district. The last vestiges of Luna’s night shone overhead, while the light of Celestia’s day was overtaking the sky. Apparently, they’d spent the entire night inside the comic. Looking around, she found Applejack, Fluttershy, and Spike all looking at them with huge grins on their faces. More interesting, however, and perhaps equally as confusing, was the pudgy yellow unicorn being chased around in circles by what looked like a small yellow and black tornado. And was that… buzzing? Twilight’s confusion was thrown off by a sudden hug from Spike, Smiling, she returned the hug, pressing him against her chest. “Good to be back,” she said. “Y’all sure were gone a long time, Twilight,” Applejack said as she came over to the group. “We’ve been up all night waitin’ fer ya ta come back outta the comic.” “Darling, we just spent upwards of an entire day traveling across a country while being bombarded by the most insidious obstacles,” Rarity groaned. Rainbow Dash shot up into the air. “And it was totally awesome!” she said. “We thwarted a bunch of bank robbers, saved a plane from crashing and burning, and we got chased by a bunch’a cops like in one of those crime-fighting crystalvision shows.” “Aaaaand, I saved us some pizza,” Pinkie said, then proceeded to produce a slice of Mellow Mushroom pizza from nowhere, before chomping it all in one bite, to nopony’s chagrin. “So, anypony gonna explain who that is and why he’s being chased by a… whatever that is?” Twilight asked, gesturing to the yellow unicorn, who was currently waving his key ring at the assaulting tornado in a futile attempt at protection. “He’s the owner of the House of Enchanted Comics,” Spike explained. “Apparently, the comic was commissioned by somepony to be sent to you, but he won’t tell who it was.” “And that thing that’s pestering him?” Fluttershy stepped forward with a smile. “Beenado-In-A-Can.” She reached into her bag and fished out the yellow and black can, presenting it to everyone. “Discord gave it to me for my last birthday, but I never thought about using it until now.” Twilight quirked an eyebrow. “Beenado? In a can?” “Sounds exactly like Discord’s idea of a birthday present,” Rainbow commented dryly. “Fluttershy, darling?” Rarity said, stepping over to the yellow pegasus. “Don’t you think this is a little uncouth?” “He wouldn’t tell us who commissioned the comic,” Applejack said, shrugging. “Seems like a good enough method ta get it outta ‘im.” “Oh, there’s no need for that,” Twilight said, stepping away from the group down the street. “I have a pretty good idea of who commissioned it for me already.” “Really?” came everyone’s collective response. “Mhmm,” Twilight replied with a nod. “Now come on, let’s go meet them.” Twilight began making her way down the street, to which the rest of her friends were quick to follow. Fluttershy called the twisting swarm of bees back into its canned housing, allowing Geo Frey to recover from his panic. Soon, however, he found his view obstructed by a pair of very pissed off blue eyes and a whole lot of pink. “What’s your name?” Pinkie asked. “... Geo Frey.” To his surprise, her mane reached into itself and produced a notepad and pen. Clicking it, she scribbled something down before placing them back into her mane. “You–” she poked his chest with her hoof, “–are uninvited to my next party.” With that, she turned and began plonking along behind her friends, her previous irritation completely forgotten as her lips lifted into a large, well-meaning smile. Geo Frey blinked, then frowned. “Worst. Morning. Ever.” The seven friends made their way throughout Canterlot, everyone following behind Twilight as she led them to the culprit who’d commissioned the enchanted comic. All the while, everyone speculated on who the culprit would be, as well as what verbal thrashings they would give to them. But everyone’s thoughts turned to confusion when Twilight led them into the Canterlot Palace gardens. They made their way past its various ornaments and statues, until eventually stopping right next to the castle wall, just beneath a balcony. “Alright everyone,” Twilight said, turning around to them with her horn lit. “Brace yourselves.” Before anyone could even question what she meant, the group was enveloped in the bright white flash of teleportation. Upon coming out of it, and after shaking off the resulting dizziness, they took stock of their surroundings, only to start in surprise upon seeing where they were. The crescent moon ceiling and wall patterns were a dead giveaway, but if that wasn’t enough, then the wide-eyed face of Princess Luna staring at them from the similarly-patterned bed was doubly so. Luna had on a pair of reading glasses, and a small, novella-sized book floating in her blue aura before her face. The group of friends could only stare in slack-jawed silence, the only one unfazed being Twilight, who stepped forward toward the bed with a smug expression. “Good morning, Princess Luna,” she greeted. Luna blinked. “... To what do I owe the, ahem, pleasure of this impromptu visit, Princess Twilight?” she asked, furrowing her gaze a little. Twilight retained her smug expression as she lit her horn, levitating the comic out of Spike’s hands and in front for Luna to see. “This,” she answered. Luna’s eyes shot wide open. Her entire expression went from irritated to horrified in a split second, as her telekinesis cut off and her book fell onto the bed. “Wait wait wait,” Applejack repeated. “Y’all mean ta tell me that Princess Luna is behind all this!?” “Why would she do such a thing to Twilight?” Rarity asked, slightly horrified. “She didn’t do it alone,” Twilight said. She turned to look all around the room, as if searching for something. “But maybe her accomplice is here and would care to elaborate?” “Oh, indeed I would, Princess!” There was a flash of yellow light above everyone’s heads, forcing them to briefly cover their eyes. When they looked back, they saw a very misshapen serpentine figure staring down at them with a smug grin to match Twilight’s. “Discord!” came the collective shout of Twilight’s friends. “That’s my name,” he replied while buffing his lion’s paw against his chest. “Do forget it.” “Have you been following us this whole time, Discord!?” Spike asked. “Was that not obvious?” he asked, his tone as sly as ever. He then snapped his fingers, to which the comic disappeared from Twilight’s telekinesis and into his hands. “Now then, feel free to explain everything to the more ignorant of those present while I enjoy your adventures for myself.” With that, he opened the comic and began reading. Everyone took a moment to stare annoyed at him before focusing their attention back onto Princess Luna, who sighed and got out of bed, smiling wryly at the group. “I suppose some explanations are in order?” Everyone nodded. “Fair enough. But before that…” She tilted her head curiously. “How did you come to suspect me, Princess Twilight?” “Initially, I didn’t,” Twilight replied. She began pacing back and forth, as she was want to do whenever explaining things to somepony. “But there were a lot of things in the comic that I recognized as Discord’s influence. However,” she stopped and turned to stare straight at Luna, “he’s barred access to the royal treasury, meaning he would’ve needed the approval of either you or Celestia to acquire the funds needed for an enchanted comic commission. Celestia would never approve of the idea, I know she wouldn’t, so that leaves you as the only other possible suspect.” Luna smiled and shook her head. “Quite the detective, aren’t you, Princess Twilight?” “I guess I am, in some ways,” Twilight replied, her expression turning a little sheepish. “And now I suppose I should tell you why I helped Discord, shouldn’t I?” Twilight nodded. “I’m very curious as to your motive.” Luna’s entire demeanor seemed to change to that of nervousness. She bit her lip, and ran a hoof through her mane before straightening herself. “Well, I suppose the best way I can say this is that I was hopeful you would return to work on the show after seeing how amazing the human world really is.” Twilight shared a confused look with her friends. “Why would you want me to return?” she asked. Luna pursed her lips for a moment, before sighing. “The show hasn’t been the same since Miss Heartstrings took over. It’s been, well…” she rolled her hoof in the air a few times, “... less good.” Twilight quirked a brow. “Less… good?” “Luna’s not the only one who holds this opinion,” Discord said from where he was floating. After turning a page of the comic, he snapped his talon, to which a pie chart appeared before everyone. One portion, colored blue, was at 55% and said ‘Disappointed’ while the remaining 45%, colored red, said ‘Satisfied’. “Ever since Lyra took over as showrunner, most of HUMAN’s viewing audience has expressed disappointment over the show’s apparent drop in quality.” He then took the pie chart in his talon and chewed out a large portion of the blue area. Humming with delight as he chewed, he threw the rest of the pie chart out the balcony window, where it exploded into a shower of sprinkles that rained down on the ground below. “I wouldn’t know, not having watched the show. But Princess Luna here is quite the avid fan.” The seven friends looked shocked in response. “Really!?” they all said. A hint of red adorned Luna’s cheeks as she nodded. “It is true,” she replied. “I’ve been a fan ever since I first read the original HUMAN book trilogy, actually. There’s something about a species so destructive, yet simultaneously compassionate that gets my artistic muse fired up.” She smiled. “I was the one who sent you that painting of Warren when you were putting the show together, in fact.” Twilight’s shocked expression grew. “That was you!?” Luna nodded. “Did you like it? I put a lot of effort just into visualizing that particular scene. Actually painting it took me an entire night, but from what I’ve heard, it really helped to inspire you.” Twilight was very much floored by Luna’s confession. Indeed, without that painting, she never would’ve gotten HUMAN’s Crystalvision adaptation on the air. To know that Luna was the one who made and sent it to her… “But why did you have that comic commissioned, Discord?” Fluttershy spoke up, drawing everyone’s attention back to the draconequus. Shrugging, Discord looked up from the comic to them. “Because I’ve been bored, and in need of a change of pace regarding my spread of glorious chaos. The world of HUMAN has boundless potential in that regard, and even more so when you place the very creators among its denizens. Although…” With a sigh, he let the comic fall to the friends’ hooves, open to a page midway through. Looking down, the ponies who’d entered the comic were shocked to see the panels contained snippets from their time in the comic, dialogue, actions and all, “... it appears you ladies were a little too stealthy for that.” “At least until the end,” Rarity noted dryly, earning a sharp glare from Rainbow. “Well, I’m flattered you love HUMAN so much, Princess Luna,” Twilight said, stepping up to the bedside, “really, I am. But you know I can’t return to the show, now that I’m a princess. I need to focus on the responsibilities that come with being one. Heck, I couldn’t even juggle the both for the brief time I was a princess and working on the show.” Luna hung her head sadly. “Yes, I knew this. But I dared to hold onto a single thread of hope, anyway.” Twilight smiled, and used a hoof to lift Luna’s chin so they were eye-to-eye. “I’ll have a talk with Lyra and see about squeezing in as much time as I can to supervise writing the scripts. It’s the least I can do to repay you for giving me that painting.” Luna smiled, and wrapped her fore legs around Twilight in a gentle hug, which she gladly returned. “Thank you, Twilight Sparkle,” she replied. Everyone stared at the warm scene with huge smiles, only to shift their gaze to Rarity when the unicorn let out a huge yawn. “Oh my,” she said, a little blush adorning her cheeks, “we have been up all night, haven’t we?” The other ponies nodded their agreement, a few of them letting out yawns themselves. “Might I return you all to Ponyville, then?” Luna asked. “That’d be great,” Applejack said, yawning again. “Thanks Princess.” “Before you go, however I have something to show Twilight and Pinkie,” Discord spoke up. Twilight and Pinkie shared a confused look as they stepped over to Discord as he floated back down to the floor. Snapping his talon, Discord conjured a sheet of notebook paper in front of them. While Twilight and Pinkie pored over the contents, Luna’s eyes bulged in terror at the scene. “No, don’t read that!” she shrieked, and bolted out of the bed toward them. “Oh my…” Twilight said, her cheeks turning a deep shade of red. “Wait, so Luna romantically pairs Warren and Sarah together?” Pinkie asked, eyebrow arched. “Like, huh?” “Oh, not just those two,” Discord said with a large smirk. He snapped his talon again just as Luna snatched the paper away with her magic, summoning a barrage of notebook papers to rain down upon them. “Our dear Princess Luna here is quite the avid shipper, as the saying is among HUMAN fans.” “Foul cretin!” she screeched. “We shall tear thee apart limb by limb for revealing Our secret obsession!” “Catch me if you can, Princess!” Discord taunted, before disappearing in a flash of yellow teleportation magic. “We will wreck thee!” Luna cried, before spreading her wings and dashing out the balcony window. The seven friends stared blankly out the window after her, the absurdity of the situation not fully processing in their minds at first. Finally, after a few moments, the silence was broken by Twilight clearing her throat. “Let’s go talk to Princess Celestia about getting a teleport home, then,” she said. The others nodded their agreement, and made for the door. Along the way, Twilight stopped to pick up the enchanted comic, poring over its cover again. With a smile, she used her magic to teleport it to her pocket-space before following after her friends. I wouldn’t mind visiting the world again every once in awhile.