Derpy Hooves was taking a stroll through the Everfree Forest. (What better way to waste her time?)
Suddenly, something made a noise. Derpy glanced around but saw nothing but creepy, spooky-ness.
"What was that?" Derpy said to herself out loud. Which means she was thinking out loud.
"It was me!" a bright, cheery voice announced. Derpy had to stifle a small shriek of surprise.
"Who are you?" she called. "WHAT are you?"
"Look behind you," the voice replied, not giving a specific answer.
Derpy turned around to see an acorn.
She was not amused.
"I'm the acorn," the voice said. It rolled its eyes, but since it was just an acorn, you couldn't see its eye roll anyway. Oh well.
Derpy's eyes widened. "But how can you talk if you're an acorn?"
"I have special abilities. Ask Twilight."
And so, the acorn went on a very boring and long story of how he was able to talk. Twilight had zapped him, therefor, giving him his ability to speak. Then she named him Bob.
"But why would Twilight Sparkle zap you?" Derpy asked.
"Heck if I know, but I think she was friends with another acorn and that acorn turned on her so she wanted revenge."
"Couldn't she just have zapped a different acorn? Or a duck?"
"No."
"Then she's weird."
And Bob agreed.
"Hey, you wanna join me for tea and muffins?" Derpy inquired.
"Sure," Bob said. "As long as there's cake."
"Nope, just muffins."
"Okay. Great. I'll go."
And so they went to her house. Her house was a small cottage, all the way on the other side of town in Ponyville. Bob teleported them, though, so they didn't have to use their useless legs. Even though Bob didn't have legs. Or magical powers that could teleport them. But why have logic?
Once they were in her cottage, they sat at a small wooden table that was draped in half-chewed-by-angry-parasprites tablecloth.
There were muffins and tea, like Derpy said, but there was also a lone cupcake.
But nobody cared about it.
RIP, cupcake.
"So, tell me about how you're an acorn," Derpy said as she drank from her cup tea. Because she was drinking as she said this, she spurt out some tea, drenching Bob in it. But he was not affected, since he couldn't feel things. And had no sense of smell, either. Or anything at all.
"Well, I know how to do surgery on things," Bob answered. "I once did a heart transplant on a daisy."
"But daisies don't have hearts."
"I did it though."
"Oh, okay. But how are you an acorn, exactly?"
"My mom was a timberwolf and my dad was a squirrel. Or a pony. I don't remember."
"Oh, okay."
"So what are you?" Bob asked Derpy.
"I'm a penguin."
"Oh. I thought you were a dragon. That would have been awesome. But I guess penguins are cool too."
"Yeah, my dad was a pelican, and my mom didn't exist, so it's a win-win."
"So how can YOU talk?" Bob questioned.
"Not sure," Derpy said. "I think it's because I'm a flightless bird, but that could just be because I never thought I had eyes until now."
"That's good."
Derpy nodded. "Yep!"
"So then, how do you have wings?" Bob asked.
"I told you, Imma bird," Derpy said, but said it in a meow like a cat. No one knows why, though. Or how.
"But can you fly?"
Derpy shook her head. "Nope, but penguins without eyes can."
"Then what's the point of them?"
Derpy shrugged. "Not sure. It might be because they're supposed to help defend me in case some moon monster comes with a crystal spear and brings out all of the vampire bats to play soccer, but I don't think it would be that. Vampire bats don't even exist."
And Bob agreed.
Derpy continued to talk about random things. Finally, after she told a story about how she once found a talking banana, she was talking about a heron that ate cherry pie.
"Next the heron met an acorn. It was a talking acorn, like you."
"Oh," Bob said. "It must of been Ted."
"He sounds like a nice guy."
Bob shrugged, which was weird, since acorns can't shrug. "He was okay. But all the other acorns liked Fred instead. He was Ted's twin brother."
"But how do you know them?"
"They were my friends when I grew up. But I didn't like 'em."
"Okay. Anyway, back to the story."
"The heron earned a ring known as Filbert. The ring could talk, too."
"But wasn't there already a ring in the story?" Bob asked.
Derpy nodded. "That was Robert. He was stupid, though."
"Oh, okay. How long is this story?"
"Five years."
"Oh, okay. I can stay that long to hear it, since I have no life."
"And so the heron went to Manehatten to talk with the leader of the Jedi, Obi-Wan Kanobi." Derpy was still talking about the heron story. It was getting quite boring and annoying. But acorns don't have feelings, so Bob didn't care.
"Obi-Wan Kanobi? Who's that?"
"A guy. But he's dead now."
"Oh, okay. But how do you know all this?"
"Penguins know a lot of stuff. We're very intelligent. Haven't you heard of The Knowledge of Penguins? That book is in a library in a galaxy far, far away..."
Five years later, Derpy finished with the story.
"And then the heron was crowned the king of the lizard army. The end."
"That was a good story," Bob said. "And a good time-waster."
Derpy nodded. "There's five years of my life I'll never get back!" she said happily.
Bob nodded. But he didn't have a head, so it makes no sense. Neither does this story.
And Bob agreed.