//------------------------------// // Not the Face! // Story: Dragons Don't Do Friends // by Changeling209458 //------------------------------// The crystal halls were just as massive as they'd always been. Smooth, glassy pillars stood guard between the wooden doors, which led both everywhere and nowhere to the uninitiated. A baby dragon could just barely be seen walking down the long carpets, with an equally-long train of parchment paper behind him. Every year, it seemed, Twilight was becoming more and more obsessed with books and lists, even after the little mess with Starlight and Sunburst. In fact, this had always been how she did her morning routine, especially when she was away on business. It meant all the more work for the young ex-dragon lord, but it wasn't anything he hadn't lived through before. "Take out trash, check." Twilight wouldn't find a spot when she came back from Canterlot with Ember. "Organize bathroom labels, check." Cleanliness was next to Princess-liness, after all. "Make breakfast..." That was where he'd hit a snag. They were out of waffle or pancake mix, and it'd be another week before Rarity gave him some gems to snack on. Anything even remotely edible was gone, to be replaced by wheat bran, hay, prunes... *gurgle* And then there's that little problem. Spike stared temptedly at the walls and the ceiling, then shook that sirens' song out of his head. No. Never again. Luckily, the list had the answer to all of his woes. In the event that we're out of a staple ingredient, such as sugar, wheat, or milk, go shopping for more. If it's not that important, do without, refer to weekly breakfast budget for further information... Okay, maybe this was getting a little out of claw. Just a little. He knew for a fact that Power Ponies Frosted Marshmallow Sugar Flakes™ were a staple of any nutritious, balanced breakfast! Plus, as he'd once pointed out, they were, in fact, made of sugar, wheat, and milk, in that order. He shuffled to the bottom of the list, and, reading up to the appropriate subsection, scribbled in the corner: Discuss amount of scheduling, potten potentt possibly reduce by half. Finally rolling up the scroll, and with his wallet in tow, he made it halfway over to scenic Ponyville, only to stop dead in his tracks. For what felt like the third time this year, Ponyville was falling apart. Windows were broken, ponies everywhere were running in a frenzied panic, and a few pillars of smoke could even be seen billowing up from afar. Spike barely managed to stop a panicking Bulk Biceps from trampling him into paste. Spike dusted himself off, facepalmed, and sighed. Of course! Second Saturday of the month. Starlight and the others should be taking care of things any second now. But then he saw a new plume rise up. If there was smoke, there was fire. If there was fire, that meant... Right on cue, he saw what was up. Half a dozen teenage dragons marched down Ponyville Main Street, having their own brand of fun. He recognized one in particular, as the red dragon took a cart and threw it over with reckless abandon. He set it ablaze, and all the fruit burned to a crisp as his lackeys all laughed and cheered on. One of the larger dragons rifled through the new firepit, while a grey, ramhorned one turned around, making a frame with his fingers to take the tree-castle in. "Oh yeah, definitely worth the trip!" Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Spike staring, and pointed. "Hey, there he is! Over there!" Spike paled, debating whether to run away or stand his ground. No. He wasn't scared of these clowns anymore. Spike crossed his arms, and looked around as Garble's old lackeys from the migration jogged up to the scene at their own pace. Yep, the Mane Six Plus One should be coming by any second now. "So, what happened to, 'Dragons don't do helping?" Garble, Spike's best friend forever and after, plucked him up by the tail, letting him dangle around like an old toy fished out of the water. "It's called a 'pack', loser." he said as said mooks circled him with wide-eyed grins on their faces. "Try getting your own sometime." Just his tone, murderously calm, was almost enough to send tingles up the baby's spine. Aaany second now! With his other claw, he turned Spike around to glare daggers at him. "Thought you were gonna get away like that, huh? Dragon Lord?" Garble looked at his talons, inspecting them like a set of switchblades, but stopped short as Spike and gang alike gave him a knowing leer. Spike drew out his arms. "Ugh," he groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose, "Alright, fine..." Resigned, he drew Spike into a tender, loving hug, the likes of which only a mother could give her filly after a bad day. Spike's return hug only made him mutter curses under his breath as he glowed even redder than usual, and not from being summoned this time. His pack around him lost it right then and there. Some of them blushed with him, some pounded their fists laughing, and one of them even "D'awww"ed. "T-There! You see what I gotta deal with now?" Not wasting anymore time, he snapped back into character, flicking his claw out once more with an angry grin. "Let's try this again," he hurried, redoubling his grip on the hapless whelp. ...Girls? Now, Spike was getting a bit worried. The others leaned in ever closer, with jovial grins of their own, aching to get the fun started. And not a feather nor a hoof was rushing to the rescue. "Hi there, Princess Sparkle Puff," he spelled out, "My name is Garb--" "Get your slimy claws off of him!" A cloud vaporized from above, showing a rainbow trail growing larger and larger. From either side of the boulevard, Starlight, Applejack, and Rarity came out of the woodworks. "Urgh, what now!?" There we go. Spike swung forth and chomped Garble on the nose, scurrying back as soon as he'd been dropped. Rainbow Dash followed with a power-punch to the nose, as Starlight, flying by her own magic, scooped him up like a lost cub. "Are you okay, Spike? Did we take too long?" She fussed over him motherly. Only a few marks. They were just in time. Starlight yelped and dropped him, as a stream of spittle ducked under her, making her lose focus and crash. She caught where the spray had landed, and watched, mouth agape, as it ate right through the pavement. "Hey, get your own, Baff!" shouted Garble, shoving the grey, acidic dragon to the side. Applejack and Rarity were up next. The cattle herder took out a lasso and slowed him down, while Rarity finally put her stun-bolt lessons to work. In a few seconds, Garble fell down for a bit, struggling, though he still had that smirk on him. His eyes darted from pony to pony. "Say, aren't you trying to rescue him?" That stopped them dead in their tracks. To their horror, all the other dragons had Spike cornered. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Starlight and Rarity were too late, and too far off, to come to his rescue this time. "Spikey Wikey!" "Three cheers for our new dragon lord!!" In the blink of an eye, the others had all but dogpiled Spike, and joyously tossed the baby up in the air. Any fear Spike had for his life was flushed right out. "Wait, wha--" "--Wait," the ponies chanted in unison, "wha--" "--Wait, what!?" Garble was cut off by said cheers. "Hip hip!" They all threw out a deafening roar, forcing both dragons and ponies to cover their ears. "Hip hip!" The windows rattled once more, right out of their hinges. "Hip hip--" "I'M NOT THE DRAGON LORD ANYMORE!!" The teens sans Garble roared anyway, loud enough that everypony in Ponyville could tell where they were. "Didn't you see me? I gave Princess Ember the Bloodstone Staff! She's your new queen, not me! Er... well, I-I wasn't gonna be queen, mind you, but..." "Oh, Spike, Spike, Spike, " a tubby purple dragon tutted, "We know what we saw up there." He slung Spike under his arm. "Yeah, you're like the..." He counted on his free hand. "...second-shortest lived dragon lord in history, but you made it to the top," he gestured back, "and Sir Hugglesworth over there didn't." Garble snapped out of his mini-seizure. "EXCUSE ME!?" "Plus, there's still that little reception you owe us," an albino dragon chimed in. Spike quavered once more. "R-reception?" Vex thrust their new not-lord-and-king into the air once more. "Who's up for a Mega Dragon Party to end all parties!?" Whomp! Brrrzt! Flitterflutter quack quack! As she twitch-a-twitched the last of the soot out, Pinkie Pie shook her head. Only after Cheese Sandwich had she figured out what this particular combo meant. It was rare, inconceivable even, that the ball of pure energy adopt a genuine war face. "Pinkie, dear? Are you okay?" Mrs. Cake foamed out the last of the fire. "Cup?" First name. Oh dear. Mrs. Cup Cake stood at attention, dropping the fire extinguisher. "Push the cupcake." "NO!!" Garble hollered, cutting himself loose. "Heck no!! This is a mob! We're supposed to be an angry mob here!" He swiped a yelping Spike back. "We were gonna beat this little teddy bear up till stuffing came out, remember!?" But a gang of hormonally-driven dragons would only listen to two words: 'Monster', and 'Party. Garble had to duck aside to avoid becoming part of the road. His one-time goon squad carted Spike off to the Crystal Palace for hijinks and fun times. The albino dragon slowed down, stared back at him for a beat, then caught up with the mob. In the middle of the street, the once again Spikeless dragon lay as catatonic as a certain yellow pegasus would be through the whole incident. Four ponies lay some distance away, equally stunned. Apparently, Spike wasn't in any real danger after all. After a minute or five, Garble blinked. "..." If they'd all listened closely, they could've heard the rusty gears churn to life, for the first time in ages. "...Am I being ignored?" The four mares marched up to pick up where they'd left off. Spike would have to wait for the moment. Ponyville was still ablaze in places, and there was still one killing machine out in the open. This was gonna be one bad day after another, wasn't it? Spike was having Twilight's heart attack for her. In barely twenty minutes, what the gang of dragon teenagers had done to Ponyville, they were doing tenfold to his (and apparently their) new home. Their fire refracted off the facets of the wall, producing a free strobing effect to go with the metal beat everyone thought they were dancing to. He had to give them credit, they were super-efficient with their carnage. "Oh, sweet! Dibs on the table!" "My pillar! Get your own, chump!" "Ugh, More straw? Hay? Bran? Prunes!? Where's all the gems, Spike!?" The only thing thankfully left un-pulverized, in the center of the room, was the Table of Friendship. Only because it was been buried under a makeshift hoard of shredded furniture and what used to be the pillars. As of right now, the white dragon on top embodied the party, clubbing everyone else in the face between dance moves with a one-of-a-kind marble bust of Clover the Clever. One that he swiftly pitched over to a brown boulder of a dragon on the other side of the hall. "Fore!" Clump tail-clubbed the piece of history into history. Electrified, he roared out a pillar of fire and punched a hole in the wall, ripping a chunk out and chomping down on the gem. Wait a second. Was this... solid magic!? "BLEEGGH!!" Oh sweet merciful Ember! Clump dropped the gem and nearly retched on the spot. He started clawing his tongue out and flamed frantically, trying to burn that horribly sweet taste out of his mouth. Cripes, it was like someone found a way to make honey taste like leaded cough syrup! The heat only brought out the subtle nuance of cheap flavoring, and Clump charged out for the nearest bush outside, leaving a Clump-shaped hole in the palace. Yeah, good luck tasting anything else for a while, Spike mused, and gagged himself at the memories. Never. Again. Where were the others right now? Where was Applejack? Starlight? Rainbow Dash!? They had to be hearing all of this! Rarity circled back for cover, dodging pillars of fire, as Dash and Garble wrestled it out. "Please, not the face! Anywhere but the--AAUHAUGH!!" Garble screamed at the top of his lungs and hollered once more as Dash gave him yet another swift elbow to the jaw. Applejack kept back, throwing another rope around even tighter than was strictly necessary, knocking the breath out of him, while Starlight and Rarity, regrouping, fired at will at the bruised dragon. A punch and a scream were heard, as Fizzle this time slugged a ram-horned kobold clean through the air, sending him sailing into the railings of the upper balcony. "G-guys, I'm stuck!" Baff flailed around as he dangled by his horns. "Guys!?" Spike had stayed cradling himself with the two other purple dragons. One of them was off by the kitchen door, next to the only half-pillar left. "Cthome on, you can dtho ith!" sobbed Vex, polishing off yet another plate of his Gauntlet armor. No, he couldn't. "...And I swore never to go near another stagecoach," Spear finished, pulling his arm back down, before pulling up the next scar just above his leg. "And this monster right here..." Future note: Take shower. For my eyes. Vex finally came back and plopped down, now a sniffling wreck from the dare. All that was left of his beloved was his precious, precious helmet, which he held close like a blanket. "Wasn't all of it," Spear chided as he pulled up his new share of the treasure: More bits of the wall. "Please, guys! Call 'em off! I'm gonna get in so much trouble! Or go get Garble to do it! I'll do anything!" "Sorry, bro," the mop-headed twig shrugged, "I'm not the one in charge." he carried the still red-eyed chubster back into the fray, "Oh, Vex. Have I got another one for you..." Spike broke out the paper bag. In charge. In charge! He slapped his head, duh! They said this was all for him, didn't they? "Hey, guys! Stop for a bit!" Fizzle was still using priceless craftsmanship as a bludgeoning tool, giving Clump concussion number ten. With nodragon left to fight, he was firmly the King of the Hoard. "Fellas? Bros!?" Spike started to dance around desperately. Baff was still trying to pry open the glassy railings that held his horned head hostage. "Hey!! Emergency meeting here!!" One of the flames came heart-stoppingly close to the chandelier holding his friends' memories. After Tirek, it had thankfully been fireproofed, if not scorch-proofed. Still, Spike, at last, had had enough. Steeling himself, he took in a deep breath. Now was as good a time as any to try a little something out. In a flash, he stomped his foot and hollered in a voice fit only for the deepest chasms of Tartarus. "DRAGONS!! HEAR US NOW!!" The wind was visible, and even audible, as his little eyes glowed with a passionate blaze. "THY LEADER DEMANDS THAT THEE... Thou... um..." a brief lull in the storm. "YOU!! ALL OF YOU SHALL CEASE THESE FESTIVITIES AT ONCE!!!" ... For the first time, silence. All eyes were on him. Fizzle lost his footing, and slid down the hoard like a scaly rubber raft. Everyone else stood frozen in place. Even Spear's eyes were bugging out from under his hair. "Dang, Spike." Spike's chest burned red. But not with pride. At once, he doubled over and hacked up a storm, with tears in his eyes. His lungs were on fire from lack of air. His throat had been chewed to pieces by his own words, and the horrible coughing only made it even worse. How did Torch and the alicorns even do that!? Spear sighed, colored impressed once again. "You heard the little guy! Dial it back a little!" Oh, thank sweet merciful Tia! Without missing a beat, they all went back at it, swinging debris everywhere as violently as before. Baff finally resorted to tearing up the banners around them, hoping to spit on them and wipe his head free. Instead, they sizzled right out of his hands. "Help!!" All in all, the out-of-control hoodlums had 'dialed it back' by about 85 percent. Spike hung his head low, having dealt all the cards he had. There was only one thing left to do now. And he wasn't gonna get out of it ungrounded.