//------------------------------// // Identity Crisis // Story: My Strange Ponies // by CTVulpin //------------------------------// It is no exaggeration to say that I am a dependable and respected escapee hunter with a perfect record, but I’m by no means the only guard in Tartarus that gets sent out if an evil spirit or cranky immortal achieves the impossible by slipping past Cerberus. After all, even nigh-immortal equine grotesqueries need time to rest and recharge. When I’m not on call, the guard most likely to handle break-outs is Thaco, a quick and relentless stallion with a long whippy rat tail who literally has eyes on the back of his head. Of course, his head happened to have been put on backwards, so it mostly balances out… Anyway, he managed to earn his keep one evening when his patrol path took him near the Gates. A glimmer in a pool of shadows caught his eye and he looked over just in time to see a tall, skinny black mare with a jagged horn, holey legs, and translucent dragonfly wings make a break for the exit. “Freeze!” he shouted, running after her. The changeling queen paid him no heed, the latent spell which pervaded Tartarus to encourage obedience to the guards not having any effect on her determination. She reached the Gates themselves before Thaco could catch up to her and blasted them open with green fire from her horn. To be honest, that was overkill; she could have just pushed them open. For all their imposing size and appearance, complete with some faux-infernal glyphs carved into the outside face, the Gates of Tartarus are mostly just for show. They don’t even have locks. Between the internal guards like Thaco and yours truly and Cerberus’s kennel on the outside, actually locking the Gates themselves has never been seen as important. Speaking of Cerberus, Chrysalis had made it about sixteen feet or so from the Gates before a giant black paw slammed down to block her path. She slid to a stop and looked up at our guard dog’s three heads, two of which were growling in warning and the last – the middle one – just gave her a flat look, daring her to try something. Well, she did try to hit him with her sticky magic goo, but before she could complete the spell or whatever it is that generates the stuff from her horn she was choked off by a thick bald tail wrapping around her throat. “Gotcha,” Thaco said, pulling her back into the cavern. Chrysalis made a token attempt at resisting, but quickly gave up and fell into step behind Thaco, who loosened his grip but kept his tail around her neck just to be safe. “For future reference,” he said in an attempt to be conversational, “We’re still finding pieces of the last thing that tried to attack Cerberus.” “What was it?” Chrysalis asked. “A world-wyrm,” Thaco replied, “a giant serpent that makes a dragon look like a puppy. It happened about thirty years ago; Wyrm didn’t take Cerberus seriously enough when it wandered too close, so he took one of its eyes and several yards of its body, bit by bit until the wyrm finally backed off. Cerby didn’t have a scratch on him.” “I… see,” Chrysalis said contemplatively. She followed Thaco in silence the rest of the way back to her cell, but as they drew near Thaco’s tail went limp as he saw that the cell was closed and occupied by a tall, skinny black mare with a jagged horn, holey legs, and translucent dragonfly wings, who looked up from a napping position to peer curiously at her doppelgänger. Thaco seemed to a be at a loss for a moment, rear-cranium eyes sliding slowly between the two Changeling Queens, but then his tail flicked up, wrapped around the neck of the Chrysalis standing next to him, and pulled her head in close to his. “Darn it Skin,” he said with a wry grin, “That was… Well played, you got me good.” “Huh?” the changeling in the cell said, confused. She looked herself over as Thaco gave her a suspicious look. She stood up slowly, and as she did so her form shivered and she shrank down and turned into a skinless stallion earth pony. “Nah,” he said, his voice now that of Tartarus’s Finest, “I think Queen Chrysalis deserves credit and points for hypnotizing me into being a decoy.” Thaco face-hoofed and turned his glare on Chrysalis, only to find he now had another Skin in his grip. “Nice try Chrys,” he said, casually unwinding Thaco’s tail from his neck, “You should know better than to try and take advantage of another shape-shifter’s prank.” “Look,” the caged Skin said, “you had your fun, but you got caught and I need to get back to work.” “A-ha!” the other one said triumphantly, “There’s your un-doing Changeling. I’m not on duty for another four hours!” “I never said I had to get back to work immediately,” the one in the cell countered. “Enough!” Thaco shouted, cracking his tail like a whip to silence the squabble, “We’ll never settle this if you two keep arguing. I’m sure Chrysalis has spent enough time chatting with Skin to know his work schedule up through next month, and all sort of other little things, so here’s how we’ll settle this.” He walked right up to the bars of the cell and beckoned the Skin within closer. “Lick me,” he said. “Seriously?” the Skins both said simultaneously, raising nonexistent eyebrows, “Well, if you say so.” “Hold on,” Thaco started to say, but before he could finish both hideless ponies had run their tongues over him and in a blink there were three backward-headed ponies standing around. “Ok, screw this,” the real one said. He opened the cell, shoved the doppelganger next to him inside with the third one, and then blocked the exit with his body. “Both of you, show me your true forms, right now,” he said, voice heavy with authority. The two clones shared a glance and the ghost a wicked smile flickered on both of their faces before they changed into perfect copies of Skin. Thaco’s eyes flickered from one to the other multiple times, looking for a twitch or something to clue him in to the imposter, and then gave up with a sigh and slammed the cell door shut on both of them. “Fine then,” he said, walking away, “Looks like you can both stew in there for a while until the truth comes out.” Once Thaco was out of sight and earshot, I let myself break down into a fit of giggles while Chrysalis dropped her disguise. “Surely you didn’t intend on both of us ending up in here,” she said, trying to sound aloof despite the goofy smile working its way onto her face. “Well, no,” I admitted, “but all in all that went better than I thought. I was worried you’d give the game away early with the green fire that usually goes with your transformations.” “It was not easy keeping that suppressed,” Chrys said with some well-deserved pride, “Nor was having most of my head backwards. His reactions were quite worth the effort though.” “I told you,” I said, “There’s plenty of fun to be had around here.” “Could we, perhaps, do this again some time?” she asked. “Certainly,” I said, heading to the cell door, “We just need to wait a few weeks or so and target somepony else to make sure…” I trailed off as I pushed against the cell door and realized it wasn’t going to budge. “Oh, right,” I said, frowning. “What?” Chrysalis asked, smirking, “Can’t get out?” “The cells don’t open from the inside, no matter who you are,” I muttered, face-hoofing, “Ah well, I’m not due for patrol for a few hours. Somepony will come by and let me out before then.” Almost as if summoned, Dark Pinkie Pie came walking down the passage at that moment, on some business I could only guess at. She stopped when she saw me in the cell with the Changeling Queen, contemplated my relaxed but hopeful smile for a second, and then burst out laughing and walked away. “Dude, where’s the respect?” I called after her. Behind me, I heard Chrysalis start to giggle evilly. It was a cute evil giggle though, so I didn’t mind listening to it.