Dear Sunburst,
When I came to my school over half a year ago, I came in with a view of a colt who had a hideous grasp on the concept of friendship, the sort that completely loses touch with old friends with no good reason for doing so. And so I sifted through the student records, seeking a certain name. And I found one belonging to a student with a slightly smudged name, but I thought I had who I was looking for. I thought I had you, Sunburst.
When I saw you at the time sitting in the library, I saw a narcissistic, popular pony that just reeked of disgust and manipulation. Ponies flocked to you, and you sat there in this position of power above all the other students, and it sickened me to my core.
So I tore into you, knocked you off of your high horse and brought you down to a reality that would crush you underhoof for exhibiting the behavior of a despicable scumbag. You suffered divine retribution the likes of which only a select few had ever seen! I made you bear a paper maché crown with the word “JACKASS” scrawled across the front, and I personally shattered any hopes of you finding any sort of career within my city.
Yet after the events of the Crystalling, I had made some inquiries into your status at my school. It turned out your educational standing wasn’t one of a slacker, but a very determined student that spent so much time learning you’d fallen asleep with your head buried in the textbook. You’d even spent a great deal of time helping other students with their work. As far as the school was concerned, you hadn’t done a single thing wrong, outside of possibly being overworked.
But the worst part? The name I thought was you belonged to a different colt by the name of Starburst. It was not Sunburst at all.
I am so deeply sorry for putting you through that hell! I offer countless apologies for effectively destroying your life, as my view of you had been more jaded than a Chineighse gem appraiser. I was also running off of a thermos of espresso during that week (sleep is for the weak) as well, so we can add jittery and jumpy to the list of ‘j’ words for my eyes. ‘Jaundiced’ is not that list, however.
But that’s sidestepping the big issue, where I was the worst thing that ever happened to you that day, and I never should have caused you that much grief! And PTSD. I definitely gave you PTSD.
Truly, it is a miracle you had recovered from this sort of waking nightmare, and it is even more so incredible that you didn’t immediately run screaming out of the castle the instant you saw me, ’The White Witch’, as you would have been more than justified to take that action. I feel like changing that last ‘w’ to a ‘b’--that would still be the truth. But the fact that you stood your ground and didn’t even react to our harrowing past shows me you’ve made an outstanding recovery. I’d like to know who your therapist is, if you don’t mind.
Anyway, I am also quite thankful that you had devoted your time to studying up on everything related to the Crystal Empire. No, really, your studious nature saved us more than you think! I wouldn’t be surprised if the Crystal Ponies put a statue of you next to that Spike statue in the coming months.
I don’t think that’ll happen, though. It wouldn’t do for the Crystal Ponies to remember the fact that his winning streak broke today. I didn’t see him spewing gouts of fire to repel the cold that my sister and I had been fending off for hours. In fact, was he even there? Although I barely remember Applecrack being there, so if he did come along, I do hope he occupied himself with some fantastically important Empire-saving work.
Ahem. Back to your new position. I hope you don’t think in the slightest that your newfound job is going to be easy. You’ve seen what sort of chaos Flurry caused. I’ll be frank--your position is a glorified babysitter, and I’d bet one of my gold slippers that she’ll be a constant cause of further mischief.
Heh, ‘mischief’. I say that so lightly when the reality is you might be dealing with a cute catastrophe. I can’t shake the feeling I’ll hear a baby’s amplified sneeze and suddenly have a brand-new direct viewing window of the Crystal Empire from my tower. Or we’ll get a cold north wind blowing through thanks to her massive feather fans sharing an undue winter with the rest of Equestria. It will be your job to ensure such freak occurrences are kept to a minimum. Once a month is a good baseline.
Oh, and that goes double when Discord sees the baby--presumably you know who he is, but if you don’t… well, be prepared for your goatee to turn into an impromptu rope swing at a moment’s notice.
Beyond this, there IS one more thing worth noting. I’d previously written to Cadance regarding the fact that she should also know the history of what she’s ruling over as acting Princess. In addition to your regular duties, I wish to request that you make sure she’s keeping herself up to date on this important knowledge. If another incident should happen, I would like more than one head to be reasonably informed so we don’t put all of our eggs in one basket. If you wish, you may extend this knowledge to Shining as well, although he’s likely going to be occupied with so many fatherhood/guard duties it might just fly over his head. I leave that to your discretion.
Anyway, happy trails with your new job. I look forward to more ponies being in the know of their own province the next time I visit. Which will be next week. Seriously, Flurry Heart is too adorable.
Wishing you the best,
Princess Celestia
P.S. Please accept this apology house made entirely out of books. I had planned for it to be a substitute home for Princess Twilight in the eventuality of Spike burning the treehouse down (the bookhouse I made is fireproof), but now that she has a new shiny castle, it couldn’t hurt to pass this along to another former student that greatly appreciates book knowledge.
Also, it would be a nice place for you to take Flurry Heart besides your house--I doubt you’d be thrilled to see her thrashing your personal library.
P.P.S. How do you feel about pools? Because I also sent a small inflatable pool filled entirely with melted chocolate. That’s something for Flurry Heart to enjoy. You could put it next to the bookhouse, then she would dive in and love swimming in sweet, melted gooey bliss!
Of course, Cadance would probably lose it and write me a hundred angry letters asking me how out of my mind I was for doing that, but that’s my problem, not yours. I just want to spoil Flurry for a little while. That’s not a bad thing!
P.P.P.S. You're also getting a new crown. A good one, made of gold and gems and stuff! With "REALLY COOL DUDE" etched on the front! It'll be the best thing ever!
Luna! How are you today?
Wait, what do you mean it’s two in the morning? I thought it was still early in the evening and--yes, I have been drinking out of my thermos, but it was only one cup!
I don’t have a caffeine problem! YOU have a caffeine problem, what with how you like to stay up late without showing an ounce of exhaustion! But I can’t do that because Sunny and Moony haven’t aligned to the proper sleep schedules so I need to stay awake to keep tabs on them night and day and… Oh dear, I do need help.