Another Displaced Human Dilemma
By: The Grey Pegasus

< 5 >

Castle Mane-ia

I lifted my gaze up from the book I was reading and looked out of the doorframe into the main atrium where Twilight was analyzing the box.

"Ugh, I've gone through every book in Ponyville, Spike," Twilight said, "and there isn't a single mention of the mysterious chest that came from the Tree of Harmony, nor anything about keys to unlock it! But something tells me that opening it is pretty important. I hope Princess Celestia has some ideas. If the library in Canterlot doesn't have anything, I-I don't know where else to look!"

At that moment, Spike belched out a letter. Twilight began reading it. "My dearest Twilight, while it would be perfectly lovely to have you in Canterlot once more, I have another option in mind much closer to Ponyville..."

You know, now that I think of it, this seems really important. I continued to listen.

"Princess Celestia just suggested that we should look in their old castle's library," Twilight explained. "Since it's built over the Tree of Harmony, it might have information about it!"

... I think I've actually found myself at the start of an episode. Huh. I should pay attention more...

"I'm not suggesting it," Twilight said. "Princess Celestia is! We should get moving right away—we're burning daylight, Spike!"

Whatever the case, it sounds like Twilight's in for some fun. Her own definition of fun, of course. But episode-type fun, well, I guess that's to be determined.

I stuck my head back into the book I was reading. It was about Equestria's international relations. Really, really interesting stuff. I'd already spent the last few days reading about Ponyville, then Equestria. I had a decent amount of knowledge on the former and cursory knowledge of the latter. I was definitely sure to go back and read about the latter in more detail, but I'd already spent a day and a half on an old-fashioned equivalent of a wiki walk.

Not bashing books or the classic researching system or anything, but I miss Wikipedia links already.

Anyways, the first thing I decided to look into was our most prolific international associates: the Gryphons. Really, really interesting stuff about those griffons.

But if you expect me to do world-building by spouting random stuff, that's really cheap and not at all interesting, so that's not happening.

I perked up at Twilight's voice. She mostly left me to my readings, so I wasn't really prepared for her to suddenly interrupt now.

"You know, you've been in the library for a few days now," Twilight noted. "And when you're not, you don't do much other than go around Ponyville just walking. Maybe visit a few locations."

She rolled her eyes. "No. I'm observing you. Nopony's spent this much time in my library... probably ever, next to me. You go through books for hours."

I heard Spike snicker behind Twilight, who simply glanced at him. She turned her attention back to me.

"You always look through the history sections," she continued. "You say you're in Ponyville as a tourist, but you've stayed here days after the Summer Sun Celebration. And you've barely talked to me, so it's not about being near a princess!"

Oh, she brought it up. She just did. I acted like I didn't know what she meant. "Which means?"

She pursed her lips. Then just switched topics. "You're into reading history so much, so I've observed. And you act as if you're into seeing the sights. So how about... taking a field trip?"

Wait, what? Is she asking me—"Are you asking me to go with you to the castle in the Everfree?"

Twilight smiled. "I told you that I see myself in you. I can see it in your eyes when you read—you're so curious and you have a sense and appreciation for detail. And you probably need to get out more. And interact with others."

Well, I have been told before that I channel Twilight well when I wrote her in stories. If Twilight can see herself in me, then I guess I write Twilight accurately. Who am I kidding, I'm great at writing Twilight.

Gee, thanks for bringing that up, Twilight. "So... you're asking me to come with you."

"It doesn't seem like something you'd object against," Twilight said. "And I like to think that I've become a pretty good judge of ponies over the past two years. Would I be wrong in thinking that you would make a good extra set of eyes in research?"

The dragon crossed his arms. "Does it really sound like Twilight would pass up the opportunity for more help?"

"So you're just going to ask some random stallion that walked into your library a couple days ago and began meticulously reading?" I asked a bit incredulously.

"For the exact qualities I've observed in you," Twilight said. "And I've got a good sense that my judge of character is right this time. The fact that you don't have a cutie mark just seems to make it even more destined for you to be here!"

You know, I just remembered—this is an episode, isn't it? That scene earlier sets it up to be one. So that means, if I go... I get to take part in the episode, right?

<<+>>

I felt the show camera floating around for a few brief moments here and there. It was taking scenery shots as Twilight, Spike, and I were journeying to and through the ancient castle.

... You know, how does that even work? The show camera? Because, you know, this is a self-insert fic.

<It's important to link the episode in as much as possible. That's sort of the point.>

<Uh, I think so. I mean, you're in the show, so logically the cameras would keep rolling. Despite—>

The alicorn gasped in joy as she flew in, reveling in the books. "Wow! Look at all these ancient books! It's a veritable goldmine of information! I can't believe it! Woo-hoo!"

"Whoa, whoa-whoa!" Spike said, almost seemingly in protest. I watched him walk in warily, then startle himself with a giant pony statue. "Uh, heh-heh. So, uh, Twilight. Uh, ready to head home?"

I watched Spike sit uncomfortably amidst the dusty shelves. Yeah, good luck, buddy.

I began walking into the library. "My little pony, doot-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, my little pony..."

"You said something, Stardust?" Twilight asked, unburying herself from her pile of books.

"Huh?" I replied, interrupted from the opening theme song. Well, I guess that's something I'll be missing from the episodes. Sadness. "Well, not anymore."

Twilight paused, seemingly processing the odd words. "Well, in that case, it's time to start going through the books and finding some information! You still remember what I told you about the chest, right?"

Twilight had told me all she knew about that hexagonal blue box while we were walking through the Everfree. An unfilmed and unrecorded time, of course. "Yup."

"Great!" Twilight motioned to the vast bookshelves with a foreleg. "Put those wings to use and pick a shelf!"

Twilight rubbed her chin. "I recommend just picking books at random and seeing if the book may have relevant information. Do this for a couple—"

"And see if there's any relation between topics within that section?" I finished for her.

"Exactly!" she smiled. It was very clear that she was ecstatic that a pony like her, me, was here.

But aren't you writing me? Or us, rather? Which meant you're just finishing your own sentence?

<... Fortunately, it's not a blatantly out of place interruption and is in fact completely in-character for a self-insert.>

Yeah, I guess that is actually true. Books, books, books! I really hope this library has some semblance of an organization system. Although, now that I think of it, it's quite impressive that these books are still intact after a millennium.

<<+>>

There was a brief bit about candles, but otherwise, time just really flew. It was nighttime outside. Candlelight was pretty dim.

Anyways, I guess that's what I meant about not worrying for long, then. Of course, I was getting pretty burned out, sitting at a table with the duo and the aforementioned candles, still thumbing through books.

"Aah!" Spike suddenly exclaimed. I jerked at his reaction, looking in his direction.

Bookshelves opened up to revealed a secret room. Twilight got up to investigate, and Spike and I followed.

"The Journal of the Two Sisters..." Twilight said. "Maybe this is the book Princess Celestia was talking about!"

I thought back to the moments when the show camera was present during our walk. "Oh yeah."

"I'm staying right in here," he answered, walking towards Twilight, who herself was already engrossed in the book. "There is no reason for me to be anywhere else," he said flatly.

I joined the others inside, now left with the options of sitting around chilling with Spike, or sitting around reading over Twilight's shoulder. Or sleeping—that worked too. Oh, and I wanted nothing to do with the death bunny—who, I might note, had only given me a couple of strange looks so far.

Well, there has to be something interesting in that book. I'm sure Twilight would understand.

<<+>>

Somewhere, Angel actually got some carrots. Fresh ones. Really, what? Where would those even be found in a castle that hasn't been lived in for a millennium? Do they really have preservatives that good?

Regardless, it sounded a bit appetizing, the munching and all, but I wasn't messing with him.

"Which part?" I asked, sitting next to her. There really was a lot of interesting stuff that I can't go into detail about because apparently that's what I was rambling about.

"Right here," Twilight said, briefly pointing with her hoof. She turned the page, revealing detailed room plans.

This was some pimped out castle. Seriously—it wasn't your ordinary ruins. It was kid-friendly booby-trapped ruins.

Well, it is. Either that, or Scooby-Doo fun. I do admit the latter is a much more entertaining and appealing thought.

Twilight continued reading. "'I love to duck behind the paintings, and though the Hall of Hooves still gives her a bit of a fright, the trap door slide is Luna's favorite.'"

"Man, you're really enjoying this," I noted. Then I quickly interrupted her before she spoke.

"You don't need to explain," I said, preempting a possible explanation about how it was Celestia and Luna's history before Luna developed an inferiority complex.

My ears perked up at the muffled sound of a pipe organ, coming from somewhere on the castle grounds. "What the hell was that?..."

She looked back at the book. "Just saying, ponies regress into certain choice words if they feel they're in a stressful scenario."

"Oh, Spike," Twilight smiled. "Quit being such a scaredy-dragon. This castle is thousands of years old, and half of it was destroyed by Nightmare Moon. Of course it makes strange sounds. It's practically falling apart!"

Something clattered to the side, causing Spike to jolt, which Angel found humorous.

"Twilight," I said, "this place logically should be in much worse shape than it is after a millennium of being unused."

"Not with the spells they cast on it," Twilight said. "They made sure this place would last. Against all possibilities, including attack by magical creatures or mundane armies."

"Yeah, I'd hope. You realize that 'practically falling apart' means a stone ceiling could just collapse at any moment right on top of us?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, if you say so." I paused. "And in all honesty, we probably will be."

"Weird sounds, castle falling apart," Spike said, "and you both think we'll be fine?"

Oh yeah. "More likely yes than no." I looked at the entrance to this hidden room. "I mean, we could check it out. Or close the bookcase door."

As creepy as the dark castle was, this is, after all, a kid's show. At least, I'm pretty sure it still is, mostly. It gave me a brave feeling.

His eyes bulged slightly. "Nooo. You can explore the creepy castle by yourself."

"Well, suit yourself. I don't blame you." I walked out of the room to go take a look around the place myself.

I could hear some commotion in random places in the castle. A lot of things were shifting around. "Yeah, a millennium doesn't do too great for lubricants, eh? Not that stone things moving around were usually lubricated anyways..."

... Actually, maybe 'commotion' wasn't the right word. That was more of a scream. You know, like a terrified one. Or tortured one.

... That's a great question, actually. What was happening in this episode? The show camera showed up, for like, a brief few blinks. So it had to have been going elsewhere.

Regardless of what the actual episode was like, I can tell you being here on the ground in the middle of it is really spooky. The cartoon look doesn't do the creepiness justice. Because damn does it look real to me. Unfortunately, my art skills are not sufficient enough to convey that.

I'd finally made my way to the main library doors when a clear organ note reverberated through the area.

That's it—I may be new to Equestria's magical craziness, but I'll be damned if I let my human determination and persistence be beat by this weird place. It can't master me!

I was going to find out what the heck was causing that organ to play—magic or mundane! I set off at a moderate walk.

For all the crazy that happens in Equestria, well, I come from Earth. Knowing home, this place really isn't much worse. Different, but not worse. Situationally, could be worse, but morally? This place is a vacation.

There were occasional claps of thunder and flashes of lightning—though that's probably adequately explained by the fact that the Everfree had natural weather.

Natural weather, everyone. No matter how long I'll have to live here in Equestria, pegasi-controlled weather will never be considered 'natural' in my books.

Though, it might be a decent thing to note that due to the ubiquitousness of magic, it's entirely possible that the weird weather effects are also due to some atmospheric ambiance thing. You know, the world sensing that at this location, thunder and lightning are standard set pieces for 'creepy'.

Oh, wait a minute, that's right. That's the actual explanation. Given an in-universe explanation, of course, but that is, in fact, the literal explanation for the weather effects. 'Because it's creepy'.

Man, at least Scooby-Doo properly justified their weather. I can't even be sure that's the case here unless I look outside.

The air shook with that organ chord. I pinpointed the location of the organ. I was going to find out what was going on. Instead of wasting time, I took to the air after a short trotting start. I banked down a hallway, and a few more.

Then I skidded to a halt by one room. I noticed the large cathedral organ. Its pipes went straight up the wall, looming over the room.

My heart was racing. This was legitimately freaking me out now. "Oi! Who the hell are you?!"

"Who are you?!" Pinkie exclaimed. She hopped over. Then gasped. "Wait! I've seen you a little bit! You're supposed to be a tourist from the Summer Sun Celebration, but then you stayed for days afterwards, and usually now you're supposedly going to Twilight's library to read, and somehow you're sort-of good at hiding so I guess I never gave you a welcome party, but should I have given you a welcome party because you were a tourist? Although I guess it should've been clear after a few days that you weren't an ordinary tourist there for the Summer Sun Celebration, but really sometimes maybe it's important to be real considerate before going all out with a Pinkie Pie welcome because..."

Pinkie froze. Then her grin got super wide. Then she gasped. It was an expression of realization of something she was going to find extremely fun.

"Omigosh this is going to be so much fun!" Pinkie looked at me. "You're Stardust!"

I held up my hoof, as if I was trying to make a point. I took a deep breath... but I couldn't find any words.

"I know, right! It's almost like I'm actually real! And breaking the fourth wall!"

"But that's what makes things fun! I think Stardust's imagination needs to be more active, though."

"Well, you kind of just walked over here not scared of some scary horrible possibility," Pinkie said, making some motions with her hooves.

"Oh yeah, you're right!" Pinkie exclaimed. "We're tied to the episode's plot as much as possible with minimal derailing!"

"I can't tell if Pinkie's weird antics are off-putting, or really, really relieving that I have someone that understands the situation I'm in." Fully serious here.

"Well I think it's going to be a load of fun!" Pinkie said. "But it's all about control."

<... Okay fine. Right. The answer is 'when it's plot relevant', but Pinkie switches between having medium awareness and being fully engrossed in your reality. It's... literally what the best interpretation of the show is.>

"So..." I started, "I actually have a greater sense of the story than she does?"

<Well, that's because it's in your character; you're a displaced human in a self-insert.>

"Can't you just do the same thing with me as Pinkie and make me blank out about this half of my backstory?"

"He theoretically could," Pinkie said. "After all, you still have your actual in-universe backstory from when you woke up here in this very castle a few days ago."

The thought of forgetting 'actual reality' and being forced to accept the new reality was somewhat frightening. Very, actually.

"Don't feel so bad about it, Dusty!" Pinkie said. "You'll get used to the idea. Besides—if it weren't for your crazy idea about this story, you would've come into Equestria just like that! Not a dream-like-thing or anything, but actually forced to accept the reality completely from the start!"

Pinkie hopped back to her chipper self. "Anyways, I think we've actually taken up enough time now! You should go back to Twilight before the real fun starts!"

I turned around and walked out. After fully recovering from that ordeal, I hopped up off of the end of a stride into the air, flying back to the library at a relaxed pace. "So, does she know what's going to happen in this episode?"

I got up to the the library's floor when suddenly, there were crashing sounds behind me. "What the hell now?..."

I backtracked on hoof to the atrium. There, I was met with the sight of the rest of Twilight's friends going mental. "Seriously, what the fuck?"

"Um," was all I could remark. "I mean, I guess I should get used to this kind of thing."

Then I think Applejack saw me. I think Rainbow, too. They got even more hysterical though and started smacking around the room like pinballs. "This is... not what you want to happen in a castle that's 'practically falling apart'. I really hope these columns aren't load-bearing."

It was like watching a trainwreck. Lots of insanity, but I just couldn't turn away.

Applejack was the first to come to her senses. "Twilight?" She hesitated for a moment. "Stardust?"

"Must... save... Ange—" Fluttershy stopped herself after seeing her bunny safe by Twilight, who waved back to his owner. "... Oh."

Seeing that everyone had calmed down, Twilight released them. "Have you all spent the whole night running around, scaring each other?"

"On whether or not you're the Pony of Shadows," Rainbow said. "Or him," she added, pointing at me.

I figured that this was a fun part of the episode that would be best left intact, so I didn't say anything.

Twilight led the group towards the organ chamber. I trailed behind slightly, but my presence was quickly brought up.

"Hey Twi, who's that guy?" Rainbow asked. Then she looked at Applejack. "Wait, and why did you recognize him?"

"Oh," Applejack said, "he, uh, had to stop by the farm on the morning of the Summer Sun Celebration on the way to Ponyville. So yeah, I met Stardust before." Applejack looked back at me and waved.

"He's here because I wanted an extra set of eyes," Twilight said. "We came here because Princess Celestia said there might a book useful for learning about the chest we got from the Tree of Harmony."

Twilight then motioned for them to quiet as they came to the entrance of the organ chamber. "The Pony of Shadows!"

"Hey, you guys!" Pinkie greeted as she turned around. "Did you know I can totally play the organ? Because I didn't!"

Oh yeah. Ponies can play musical instruments that require a lot of dexterity. Really, wow. Please show me how that works—seriously. It's pretty cool.

"Oh, yeah!" Pinkie said. "I only had to ring it for, like, five minutes! They said that was good enough! Eh, can't imagine why... So then, I decided to throw a 'finish ringing the school bell' party! But I didn't have any bluebells, and you can't throw a 'finish ringing the school bell' party without bluebells, so I went to Everfree Forest to pick some, but it started to get so chilly."

Pinkie began playing a tune that wouldn't be out of place in some classy nightclub.

<Pinkie, what the hell?! Can't you just stay focused on your friends?... Who am I kidding, of course not... And, that's the best description I can come up with.>

"Oh yeah!" Pinkie turned her attention back to her friends, continuing to explain her situation. "Anyways, I had to wrap myself up in the tarp I was gonna use to gather flowers, and then I saw Fluttershy and Rarity. But they went into the castle before I could invite them to my party. Luckily, I followed them inside so I could help you all with your party!"

"Uh, the 'everypony come to the scary old castle and hide from each other while I play the organ' party? Duh!"

Rainbow looked at me. "Oh yeah, this is Pinkie Pie, if you haven't met her yet. She's gonna have throw you a party if she hasn't yet."

<<+>>

While Twilight and her friends headed back into the secret room, I decided to wait by the bookcase entrance, watching from a distance away.

Rarity was sewing up a tapestry. Fluttershy was talking with Angel. Rainbow and Applejack were talking about some 'daring pony' competition. And apparently Pinkie was the judge for most of it.

"Well, it's good to know that whenever your imagination is getting away from you, a good friend can help you rein it in," Twilight said. This must be the episode conclusion, judging from the lesson-learned type message. "And even though I didn't find anything out about the mysterious chest, I'm glad I was here to help all of you."

"Reading Celestia's diary made it hard to be afraid, because I knew what it was like when she and Luna lived here," Twilight explained. "Knowing something about the past made it easier to deal with my problems in the present, even the scary ones."

"I... suppose that's a valid lesson," I mumbled to myself. "Certainly a situational one, but likely more true than not."

"I've just thought of a great idea!" Twilight exclaimed. "Why don't we keep a journal, just like the Royal Pony Sisters?"

"Sure! That way we can learn from each other! And maybe some day, other ponies will read it and learn something, too!"

And that, folks, was how LifeProTips was established in Equestria. Although... Twilight's journal going into public domain... wonder how long that'll take. Depends how long it takes for them to fill up the journal, I guess.

They made what seemed like closing remarks, and then I sensed the show camera flick off.

And I knew what that meant. "Drum roll—Myyy little pony, doot-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, myyy little pony—doot, doot, doo..."

Another Displaced Human Dilemma

by The Grey Pegasus

[5] [S4E03]-Castle Mane-ia