//------------------------------// // Chapter Eleven: BAN HAMMER YOU STUPID INQUISITION // Story: If The Emperor was in Equestria // by The Warmaster //------------------------------// The Golden Throne Room      “So Magnus, how long do you expect those crazy zealots to take to get in here?” The Emperor asked, debating whether or not he should go busy himself with a game of Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roullete-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker while he waited.      “Well, Father, they are currently trying to fight through the Royal Guards to gain entrance to the Castle, if the life forces I am detecting are to be reliable.” Magnus shrugged, flipping through the pages of a book. “I'd give them either a two percent chance of even reaching the castle walls, or a sixty percent chance of reaching this room. Because the guards are idiots.”       “We, ze eternal watchers of pony-kind, demand entry to the Castle to lay waste to ze filthzy hereetic zhat dares to conzider himself a greater god zen ze Holy Goddess Celestia!” Fleur declared, a mob of religious ponies behind her with pitchforks and torches. Two guards stood in the way, and they glanced at each other, before returning their gaze to the mob.    “Look, Miss Fleur, we can't allow that.” The Guard on the left began, “For one, we would essentially be letting an angry mob into the castle. And I'm pretty sure there are rules that don't allow that. So why don't you and all your friends return to your homes, and we'll pretend we never saw you.”    “Never! If we cannot gain entry through peaceful vays, zhen we vill force our vay through! Charge!” The angry Pegacorn roared, before the mob charged at the gates. The guards held up they're spears, ready to fight off the tide.    Instead, they were immediately flattened, trampled underneath the stampede. When the mob had passed, one of them pulled their head up.    “Who put the hay in the appllllee……” He muttered, before collapsing in an unconscious heap.     “.....I wouldn't have any high hopes.” Magnus shrugged, flipping a page.     “What book is that? Don't  tell me you've been summoning daemons again.” The Emperor asked. Nearby, a group of tiny daemons slunk back behind a pillar.    “No, Father, I'm simply reading through this world’s history. It's a lot more….peaceful, than what I imagined.” Magnus replied, looking over to The Emperor. “Also, just a quick question, but did you lock the door?”    His question was answered when the massive golden doors burst open, and the mob of ponies charged into the Throne Room.    “....I'll take that as a ‘no’....” Magnus sighed, closing his book and placing it on a nearby book case.     Fleur-de-lis stepped forward, a disgusted look on her face as she examined The Emperor. “Zo, zhis is ze so-called ‘Emperor’? It is but a rotten corpse! Not even worthy to shine my hoof!”    “That corpse can hear you, you egotistical prick.” The Emperor replied, mentally shaking his head in dissatisfaction.    “Who is this brazen fool? Am I supposed to know her?” Magnus asked, looking Fleur up and down.    “I am-” Fleur began, but was interrupted by The Emperor.     “Just think of her as an Female Fyodor Karamazov on her period.” Fleur had steam coming out of her ears.    “I am Fleur-De-Lis of zhe Holy Equestrian Inquisition, and I have zeen through your lies!” She stamped her hoof on the ground in frustration. “And how dare you insult me in zuch  a manner!”    “Oh, would you like me to insult you some other way? I take requests.” The Emperor mentally chuckled at the reference.     “I see what you mean, Father…..” Magnus slowly replied.    “Ve are here to banish you back to the depths of Tartarus from whence you came, filthy monster!” Fleur growled, drawing a sword.    Magnus sighed. “And I thought the Imperium was like a failed Suffle….”    “Prepare to be destroyed!” Fleur roared, galloping towards Magnus.    “So, should I get the princess to clean up this embarrassment of her kingdom, or should I just handle it myself?” Magnus asked The Emperor.    “Hold it!” A voice yelled, and three familiar eyesores of Equestrians leapt in between them.    “Great. My eternal torment has returned. What the hell do you three want?” The Emperor groaned, wishing he could slam his head into a wall.    “My dear Emperor, such harsh words send quivers down my oiled body from the mere sound of your voice!” One of the weird ponies moaned.   “As for why we are here, my Emperor, is to stop these fools from trying to kill you!” The middle pony added.   “Yes, these fools wouldn't know beauty if it smacked them in the face!” The last one stated, holding up his hooves.    “What ze hell are you?! What disgusting creatures have you summoned, false prophet?!” Fleur asked, appalled at the sight before her.   “Actually, we are members of the Royal Guard, assigned by Celestia to guard The Emperor.” The middle Guard replied. “And it isn't ladylike to speak such harsh words. Come, lay down your weapons, and return to your homes.”    “Never! Ze false prophet shall perish!” Fleur roared, charging at them again, except with the rest of the mob behind her. Until a portal opened up in front of her, swallowing her and the mob up in a few seconds.    “Um….what just happened?” The disturbing Guard pony asked.    “Sent them to another dimension. Let them be someone else's problem.” The Emperor answered.     “Where are we?! What place is zhis?!” Fleur growled, looking around.     “Oh my, what new little toys do we have here?” A childish voice chuckled all around her.  Then, out of the shadows, what looked like a giant sock puppet leered out, chuckling darkly.    “She won't be a problem anymore, that's for sure.” The Emperor chuckled.    Just then the doors exploded, flying through the air and nearly crushing the guards. Unfortunately, they were not hurt, much to The Emperor's dissapointment. Celestia stormed in, with flaming armor and a spear. Noticing that everything was normal, she doused the flames.    “What happened?” She asked.    “Crazy Inquisition ponies tried to kill me. I sent their asses to a different dimension.” The Emperor answered nonchalantly.    “We had an Inquisition?” Celestia asked, confused. “I did not expect that.”    “No one ever expects an Inquisition of any sort.”    “Yes, and they shouldn't be a problem anymore.” Magnus confirmed, pulling out his book again.     “So….what did you do to them?” She asked cautiously, after a moment of silence.    “Sent their bitch-asses to another dimension, where they won't be a problem anymore.” The Emperor said again.     “You sent them to a different dimension.” Celestia deadpanned. “You couldn't just have them arrested, or hold them until I arrived to give them a proper punishment?”      “Nope. They had plenty of buddies in high places who would have busted them out of prison. Plus, you ponies are too soft. You'd most likely just give them a slap on the wrist, remove their titles, and let them go.” The Emperor countered.     “I wouldn't- I mean- arggh!” Celestia threw her hooves up in exasperation, before leaving through the destroyed doorway.    “Emperor one, Celestia zilch.” The Emperor chuckled, before a mail pony ran in.     “Excuse me, but is this the address for ‘The Emperor’?” She asked.     “It is.” Magnus confirmed.     “Well, here ya go!” She pulled over her mailbag, before dumping out the contents and running back out. Magnus picked up the top letter.     “Looks like a bunch more questions….want to answer them?” Magnus asked, turning to The Emperor.     “Of course. I love satisfying my little fans and their want for knowledge. Even if they are mostly stupid equines that don't know any better.”      “And yet they somehow managed to have peaceful relations with almost every nation……” Magnus muttered.     “What was that?” The Emperor asked, a small feeling of dread growing on Magnus’s back.     “Ummm, just opening up the first question!” Magnus replied quickly, ripping open the top of the first one. “Let's see here…..”     “Ooh! Ooh! Can I ask the questions?!” The Emperor's main pony guard, whose name the author has forgotten, asked, galloping up to the red sorcerer, with his muzzle black with soot.     “Where the hell have you been all this time?” Magnus asked.     “In the back, testing out some of the weapons. Accidentally blasted myself with a explosive, but I'm okay!” The pony declared proudly.    “Yeah….why don't you just go to the infirmary. I'll handle the questions.” Magnus shrugged off the guard, and said guard slumped, before walking out.    “Alright…..first question!       Atlas55 asks… Dear Emperor of Mankind If you had a choice between having the Orks or Tau replacing the Ultra Smurfs, who would you choose?”     “I would rather have Orks. Sure, they might be stupid, but they have their uses.” The Emperor answered. “Plus, they actually use close combat, unlike those annoying Tau pricks. Next.” “From SubjectDeltaPunch My Lord Emperor, Us of krieg wish to come to your aid but these damnable Tau are blocking our path, and some of our brothers are disappearing we need reinforcing. also do you wish us to broadcast anything before we come to your aid God-Emperor? With all my zealotry, Grenadier #4w95w038w26 P.S ( We will bring as many artifical wombs with us as possible, so you can have your army if you wish of us.) P.P.S.S ( The damn ultrasmurfs are constantly interfering in our sieges where we throw ourselves against the enemies in your name my lord.) P.P.P.S.S.S (some strange shirtless men wish to say something to you "oh, my oiled abs quiver at your voice".) Ending Vox....”    “I don't need anything except for you people to do your jobs. And no, I don't want those artificial wombs.  Tell the Ultrasmurfs to go kidnap that angry son of a bitch Angron. And tell those bastards that they are not to be within one sector of me, or else I'll send them to the same dimension I sent that Inquisitor. Next.”     “Marsara asks…. Dear Emperor What is your opinion on the Necrons? Signed: ChaosSpaceMarine Marsara, the leader of the Republic of Shadows, founder of the Displaced Hunters, and follower of Nurgle.”     “They are creepy slow-walking death robots. What, you expect me to give them a hug and say everything's all right? They'd probably try to blast my beautiful face. Not that they would succeed. Next.”       “ShadowsInTheDark asks… Dear Emperor. What your plans for this little planet and will the diamond dogs be helping you?”             “The fuck are Diamond Dogs?” The Emperor asked.       “Some wierd natives of the planet that dig through dirt. And are also descended from canines.” Magnus replied.          “Oh. Nah, I'll probably just smack some sense into these moronic xenos. Next.” “That Volksblob guy asks… my lord if you could would you destroy all xeno races? also have a nuke everyone loves nukes.”      “Yes. I would, to ensure humanity's rightful fucking dominance of the galaxy. And where the hell did you get a nuclear weapon on this backwater planet? Next.” “Syncroe asks…. Dear emperor tell the chaos gods there so bad at there job the TIME LORDS could do a better job at chaos just why would they all not split from the work and destroy Everything? just wow”     “Because the Chaos Gods are idiots. That's why. Next.” “Viceroy asks…. Dear Emperor, Since you are the greatest psyker in existence why don't you use your powers to fix the throne?”     “Ooh, why didn't I think of that? Oh wait, I know why. I already tried. This thing scattered most of my power across the Multiverse. Next.” “Ww1990ww asks… Hello again oh great False Corpse Emperor in even more false Golden Throne. I'm writing to you with great joy to inform that I'm still alive and only think you done was destroying my zen garden. It's not that big problem since I was planning to create a new one. But ad rem. So how you are feeling with a thought that your son Vulcan was a priosner of this heelish ponies and tortured for the last 10k years with use of friendship and pastel ponies? Or that you have a wierd feelings to your centurion/sex toy who we know is now you son Rogal Dorn (speaking of with how the hell he has any bones in his damn boody?). I know it might be quite strange for you to be sexually attracted to your own son. Especially if this was so long time ago since you last lover died (by your own hand I must say). I can assure you acording to our speciallists here in warp having a stronger feelings to forbiddent hings is not that bad. Look at the Wolves thye are all a closet furries. P.S Malal is still sad that he is not canon. Can you do anything to chnage it?”     “That is horrible grammar. You should be ashamed. Then again, most xenos can't write in Gothic. And what the hell are you on about with Dorn?  I mean, I know he was my son, but wow you sound like one of his stalkers. And please, like these fucking ponies could take Vulcan prisoner. They can't even keep their own enemies prisoner! Stop trying to lie to me. Next.” “Inactive Techpriest eh asks…. To the Emperor/Omnissah What is your take on the Adeptus Mechanicus? Also, why not just use your vast psykerish might to manipulate the golden throne into a robotic body? Or a rapid healing machine or something. Better yet, turn it into an Imperator class titan. Your venerable servant, Australian Techpriest eh.”      “The Mechanicus are mostly alright. They do have a few problems with religion though. And how the hell would I find an Imperator Titan on a fucking planet like this?! And it's just a bad idea in general. Next.” “The Almighty Being 0 asks…. emperor warp storm everything that you don't like what would happen if you met another emperor would you fight to the death, kill all Tau , warp storm the multiverse or something else? P.S I don't think a universe can handle two emperors”    “I'm certain we would discuss how we would fix the Imperium and these dumb xenos. And yeah, the universe couldn't handle more than one of me. Next.” “The Lunar Republic 2244 asks…. Dear Emperor What's your favourite song?”     “Do you really need to ask me that?” The Emperor asked. A song soon began playing. “Next.” “Amethyst Blade asks… Dear Emperor. When and how will you deal with the damn Equestrian Inquisition? Use Magnus or just send them directly to the chaos gods yourself? Aside from that, can you tell me where are my sword? I lost it in the Warp, but when I try to find it, I discovered that it exited the Wrap and is lost somewhere on your world. It's a 1.5m magical Longsword with a blade that look like it is made from amethyst that can cut "ANYTHING" I want to be cut while doing permanent damage to even the likes of Deadpool and beyond and is unbreakable. It shouldn't be able to fall to the wrong hand because I made sure such powerful toys are properly protected. For now though, I have souls to collect. Sincerely, that guy who lost his sword.” “I'll keep an eye out for the sword. As for the Inquisition, well. That already happened. Next.” “Exalatron GX asks…. Dear Emperor, First of all thanks for the answer also, "Horus" is in an induced sleeping state and is being used as a battery for the fleet... After all for us to give you a body we have to get there. (Warp travel) And the mech is not TAU in origin... Your kind refers to them as Titan's or more specifically the "emperor  class" Titan with a moderate up grades... And a crew of adaptus mechanicus. And a large acopanyment of lesser Titans and production capabilities for bane-blades (all types) that you can control using the Titan or throne. Ps Horus is suffering greatly.... Ah the sounds of his screams are music would you not agree.”     “Stop fucking my son up. He might be a major douchebag and a prick, but but he is still my son. I'll make sure he is disciplined. And I told you to fuck off. Next.” “Sentinel 053 asks…. Dear Emepror Who would win in a fight against each other Master chief or a space marine?”    “They won't ever meet, so why bother asking? But we all know that a Space Marine would win. Next.” “The Oracle Asks…. Dear emperor What are your thoughts on changlings, and could you find a way to time travel? Sincerely, The Oracle.”     “Changelings are….somewhat okay. Just as long as I have bug spray should they try to attack me. And I don't mess with Time Travel. Next.” “Delta238 asks… Dear Emperor of mankind, Can you please send a few warp storms to kill those who abuse children? Also what happened to your epic sword? From Delta238” “Sure. As for my sword…….what did happen to it?” The Emperor asked.   “Why would I know? Maybe it was put somewhere in that armory, or something.” Magnus shrugged.    “Probably. Next.” “The Warlord asks… Dear 'Emperor' If you are the motherfucking Emperor that I know then why the hell are you still on the throne? Just create a body and then put your soul into it.Done Sincerely The Warlord P.S. Send warp storms here cause I need something to kill.”  “Sigh. This question is appearing more often. Firstly, the other Motherfucking Emperors are still on they're fucking thrones, so you'd guess that they tried and failed. And why does everyone want a Warp Storm up their ass? Geez. Next.”     “That's actually all we have this time.” Magnus shrugged, holding up the empty box.      “Oh. Well, at least I a hopefully soothed some people's minds and their curiosity. They still have slightly stupid questions though.” The Emperor replied, “Oh, hey Magnus, you want to play a game of Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roullete-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker?”      “No thanks. That's a child's game.” Magnus replied, walking off.     “Where are you going?”      “I'm going to go make sure that none of those Inquisitor morons survived. I'll be right back.” Magnus answered as he walked through the doorway.     “Fix the door when you get back.”       “Whatever.”     Hm…. I'm bored. Fuck it, I'm gonna go see what Tzeentch is up to.”