//------------------------------// // Unexpected Hitchhiker's // Story: Jeff The Undistinguished // by Portable Dingus //------------------------------// Beeps, and boops carried throughout the air of Golden Oaks Library. Interfaces from several machines chimed, and made operating noises. Twilight Sparkle had Jeff hooked up to multiple machines, data spewing out of them. “This is so strange, everything seems to all read normal, but how can that be. You’re human, nothing about you should be normal.” Twilight went on, ranting about the unordinary data she was gathering. “I can say the same about you miss, talking ponies aren’t exactly a normal occurrence from where I’m from.” Twilight went up to him, examining him with her keen scientific eyes. “Where you’re from, hmmmm…” “Yeah… why are you giving me that loo—Ooouchhh!” He was cut off with Twilight poking a needle into his arm, using it to draw his blood. Twilight then ran the blood to another machine, examining its contents. “That hurt…” Jeff let a single tear out. Meanwhile Lyra sat on her haunches, watching Twilight examine Jeff with amusement. “Heeheehee.” After the machine that examined Jeff’s blood finished its analysis, Twilight quickly read over the results. “No, no, no. This can’t be right!” She groaned in annoyance. “Why is everything coming up normal? This isn’t right, everything about this isn’t right.” She turned to look at Lyra. “Where did you say you met him again?” “He fell from the sky.” She replied to Twilight’s question. Twilight replied to her question blankly. “Lyra, please… if there is anything else you can elaborate on, this would be the most crucial part.” She was practically begging for some reasonable explanation for this atrocity to the scientific world. Everything about what she learned since she was a filly didn’t add up with how, and why Jeff was here in her Library. “I’m sorry, Twilight. That’s all I know, it’s best if you ask Jeff. After all, he was the one who fell from the sky, besides, I would love to know more about him...” She formed a wicked grin, her curiosity with the human controlling the better part of her judgement. Twilight quickly turned around to face the human, her eyes as big as dinner plates. “You heard her, please, pleeeeease. Tell me how you ended up here, I need to know!” A strand of hair on her head popped up, making her look nuttier than a squirrel's acorn collection. With a sheepish grin, and a bead of sweat rolling down the side of his head. Jeff replied to her desperate question. “If you didn’t hook me up to these machines the moment you realised I was a human, I would have been more than happy to help.” Twilight’s left eye twitched, as her eyes flickered. Jeff gulped. “S-sorry… To put it simply, I fell into a freezer.” Twilight replied in a shaky voice, more hairs on her head popping loose. “Elaborate…” Jeff started to sweat more furiously. “Please don’t hurt me…” He stuttered out before continuing. “I was at Walmart, and I was stocking up on goods for the new house I just moved into. I was reaching into the back of a freezer in the dairy aisle, trying to grab the freshest milk. When all of a sudden, my shopping cart rammed into me, and I fell forward into the shelves of milk. I just expected to hurt myself on the back of the freezer, but, well... I was wrong. Instead I just landed in the middle of this town.” He pointed a finger at Lyra. “On top of her.” Twilight turned to look at Lyra, who was awkwardly grinning. Hoping that she wouldn’t be subjected to Twilight’s madness. As Twilight turned back to face Jeff, Lyra let out a long sigh of relief. “Lyra… remember how I told you I’d help you with the hydra if you used your magic to send me back home?” Jeff asked scared. She nodded her head in response. “Yeah... right now would be a good time to do so.” Hearing this, Twilight asked. “Jeff, where exactly are you from.” She looked into Jeff's very soul, pleading with every fiber of her being for an answer that made sense. Something to cling onto and claim as a plausible explanation for the absolutely bizarre occurrence that happened while she was out of town. Hoping his answer would quench the insatiable, curious, and down right control freak of a pony in front of him. He told her honestly. “I’m from a small town on the planet Earth; there’s really not much to say. I’m not really an important person, just a regular ol’ smo.” “Planet Earth!” The mare basically shouted after hearing Jeff say those words. Jeff winced from her outburst, afraid of what she was going to do next. “Jeff, hold still. I’m going to take off all this equipment and run one last test.” Jeff whimpered, his face turning pale. He felt his heart sink as he feared for what the mare in front of him was about to do. More afraid of what she would do if he didn’t comply, he did as she told him to do, and held completely still. As the equipment he was ensnared in released him from its suffocating grasp, he was levitated onto his feet from the chair he sat on by Twilight's magical grip. “W-what are you doing, Twilight?” He asked, feeling strange sensation run through his entire being. “T-t-this feels so weird…” Twilight’s hair slowly started to fall back into its rifull place, her wacky appearance returning to the more sophisticated mare from before. A smile reached from one ear to another on her face, the first sign of happiness from the mare since she took Jeff into her home to run tests on him. “I got it!” Noticing the change in Twilight’s behavior, Lyra found it safe to walk up beside the mare and ask. “Got what?” “I finally figured out what makes Jeff appearance here so abnormal.” Breathing a sigh of relief, Jeff asked Twilight. “So, what makes me so special?” “The truth is.” She started. “Jeff here is not really from this world, in fact, he’s from an entirely different world.” Twilight started to giddily jump up in down in excitement over her discovery. Lyra let out a gasp of astonishment. “R-really, another world? How cool!” “Eh, makes sense. Non of this would be found outside a cartoon from where I'm from.” Jeff apathetically said. “So, exactly how does this other world thing work?” Twilight stopped her prancing to give an explanation for her finding. “Well, it’s quite simple really. You see, there are multiple universes in the entirety of everything. At least in theory. Let’s imagine it as bubbles all lined up around each other, sometimes they would bump or grind against one another; that’s exactly what happened here.” She pointed at the human. “Jeff, when you fell into that freezer, you happened to fall straight into the points in space-time where our two universes brushed against each other.” Her smile couldn’t be any bigger even if it tried. Trying to wrap his brain around her scientific explanation, he simply just had to shrug his shoulders and say. “Oh, I guess that makes sense.” Thinking it’s better to sound like he understood her, rather than be made a fool of. Lyra also found it hard to wrap her mind around, but did as Jeff and simply went along with Twilight’s explanation. “That’s… strange.” She giggled. “Heeheehee. Still, a real life human is here, and that is simply so amazing!” Her eyes sparkled with mirth, as she stared at Jeff. Happy to have met him. “Well, now that this is all figured out, would you mind sending me back home now, Lyra. I really want to go back, I think I may have left my water running.” He shuddered at the thought of how large his water bill would be. Lyra blushed from embarrassment, and along with a bit of guilt. “About that.” She lowered her head to face the ground. “ I may have told a little fib to get you you help me…” She said lowly. “You what!” He yelled at her, upset over hearing that she lied to him. “D-don’t worry, though.” She said before pointing to the mare beside her. “Twilight here is a master at magic. If there’s anypony who can help you get home, it’s her,” At hearing those words, Twilight’s euphoric happiness from before crashed, and burned in a sea of hell fire, while also being salted and having lemon juice squeezed on it. “Oh, no…” She said as her heart sank into an abyss of empathy. “I’m so sorry…” Jeff and Lyra looked at each other, concerned for the sudden change in tone from Twilight. “Twilight, what’s the matter?” Asked Jeff worried for not only her, but what her change in demeanor meant for him. “I-I-I… I can’t send you back.” She said slowly, looking away from him in shame. “W-w-what do you mean by that, Twilight… What do you mean you can’t send me back.” Jeff started to shake a little, fearful over being stuck here in this unfamiliar land forever. “I mean… the only way I can send you anywhere is if your home was in this realm of existence. Even then, the amount of magic it takes for me to send anything large distances is ludicrous in of itself, but this? I simply can’t, there is no spell I know of that can help you return home.” She looked at him with sympathetic eyes. “I’m so sorry… I wish there was something I can do, but I simply can’t.” Lyra slumped backwards, landing on her haunches. She felt an ocean's worth of sympathy for Jeff. She couldn't imagine the pain that filled his heart at that moment. “Oh…” Jeff himself changed in stature, he too felt a shockwave of emotions in that instance of time. “Wha… how… why. Twilight, please tell me this is just a joke, I really need to hear those words.” Twilight winced. “Jeff… I’m sorry, there really is nothing I can do.” She looked around her place, hoping she could find something to help her at the moment. Jeff closed his eyes, and grit his teeth in a mix of frustration and heartache. “Are you positive? Twilight, are you sure about this. I mean, if I ended up here, there has to be a way back home. There just has to be.” Twilight's eyes wavered back and forth before an idea popped into her head. “Jeff, actually, there may be a way after all. Just maybe.” Jeff opened his eyes, eager to hear her say something that ended with him returning to his world. “And that is?” She levitated a quill and parchment over to her, scribbling down words onto it. “Princess Celestia. I am her faithful student, so I can directly contact her. If anyone is to know of a spell, or device that can help you get home, she would know.” “Princess Celestia?” “She’s our ruler: she’s wise, majestic, and all around gracious.” Lyra chimed in, trying not to feel like a third wheel. “Uh, huh.” Jeff responded. Twilight wrapped the parchment in a roll, and put her seal on it. “Spike!” She called for her assistant. Nobody answered her. “Spike, I need you. Come here!” She called again. trying to get the dragon's attention. She frowned in annoyance until she realised. “Oh yeah, that’s right. He’s at Rarity’s at the moment.” She smiled sheepishly. “Hey, you two could go get him for me. That way, Lyra, you could show him around town. Get him settled in for his stay, however long it may be.” “That sounds like it could be fun.” She replied, a mischievous smile crossing her face. “Plus I could learn more about him, and humans while we're out.” She rubbed her front hooves together. “I guess I have nothing better to do, kinda have nowhere to be.” Jeff said, sighing before making his way to the door. Lyra following shortly behind him. “I'll be seeing you later, Twilight. “Likewise.” She returned to looking at the data she gathered, seeing if anything from the loads of information could hold a clue to helping Jeff get home. * * * * Walking through Town, Lyra pointed out key locations as she asked an onslaught of questions for Jeff. “That over there is Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie Pie, and The Cakes run that sweet spot in town.” She turned to look at him while they were walking, ponies saying hi as they walked by. They were still thanking Jeff for his accidental saving of the town the day before. “So tell me, is it true that humans don’t control the weather like us ponies do. It alway said that in the stories, but it just seemed so unorthodox that I couldn’t believe it.” Jeff chuckled a little. “That’s actually true, we have no control over the weather at all. Also, are you saying you guys can control the weather of this world?” “Yeah, of course. How in the name of Celestia do you guys get by day to day without having control over whether it’s sunny or not? What do you guys do instead?” “We mostly just complain about it.” “Heeheehee.” Lyra skipped along, happy to be spending time with a creature of her dreams. An old stallion was eating a haydog, his fetlocks shaking as he brought it to his muzzle. Bam! A wagon filled with two ponies being dragged along by a pegasus with a scooter crashed right behind the old timer. Startling him, and making him grip his haydog too hard. The result of which launched the foodstuff into the air, landing in the path Jeff and Lyra were walking down. “Wahhh!” Shouted the startled old stallion, his back cracking from the sudden movement. As the three fillies behind him stood up, and fixed their wagon and scooter. They said in unison. “We’re sorry.” “Watch where ya goin’, Scootaloo. We could have hurt the poor fella.” The yellow one said. “Yeah, yeah.” Scootaloo replied, before speeding off again. Jeff continued on his merry way, Lyra still playing twenty questions. He was unaware of the cylinder like food that laid before him, his bland perception abilities failing him as he stepped right on it. He then began to roll around on it to and fro; it was like he was on a log on water, Only that the log was a haydog “W-whoa!” He shouted as he wobbled back, and forth until he started moving backwards. “Jeff!” Lyra shouted as she tried to grab him, her efforts failing as he sped by faster than her hooves could grab him. She was about to use her magic to paralyze him from any movement, but before she could, he hit the back of the wagon that the three fillies were using. Landing inside it with a painful plop. “Ahh!” Yelped the white coated filly. “Applebloom, we got a stowaway.” Applebloom recovered from the rocking of the wagon as it titter tottered from the weight that collided with it. “I can see that.” She patted Jeff on the head. “Y’all alright there pardner?” He didn’t budge in the slightest. “I think he’s hurt, Sweetie Belle.” She frantically tried to shake him to wake. “Oh no… wait one second, isn’t that the guy who saved our town yesterday?” Sweetie Belle asked. Applebloom looked over his unconscious form, taking a moment to compare memories of the day's events from before. “I think ya may be right, there.” “We’re going to get in so much trouble for this…” Sweetie Belle winced, shuddering at the scolding she was going to receive from Rarity. “What are you two gripeing about back there?” Asked scootaloo, as she tried to focus on the road ahead of them. “We just injured the hero from yesterday.” Replied Sweetie Belle. “We what!” Scootaloo shouted, taking her eyes off the road for a moment to get a look at Jeff's slack body. The brief moment she took her eyes of the path, lead her to crash into a bench, launching Jeff’s body into the air. Lyra—who was watching from a distance as she chased after the three little rascals—Stared slack-jawed as she saw Jeff soar in the air. His form heading straight towards a spiked fence. “Oh, crud…” She raced in order get at a sufficient distance between him and her, trying to catch him with her magic. Before she could, however, Rainbow Dash—Who was flying by—swooped by and crashed straight into the poor human. “Ahhhh, what gives!” She complained as her view was obscured by the weight that now slowed her down. Flying out of control—both from her lack of sight, and trying to free herself from the oversized bug—She launched the man off of her, sending him flying towards a group of crates. Jeff’s form zoomed straight towards an open crate, landing inside with a painful thud. Still, the thick skull of his prevented him from waking up from his inconvenient unconsciousness. A griffin—who was loading the crates onto a back of a carriage—put a lid on the crate, lifted it up, and loaded it into the carriage. “Alright, that just about does it.” “Off to the Great Nest it is, then.” The Griffin who was attached to the carriage from the front said. He then began to walk off as the griffin who loaded the carts hopped on. The attached griffin was then about to take flight, when all of a sudden, a voice called. “Stop!” Lyra ran up behind the cart. “You have unexpected luggage, please let me on so I can get it out for you.” She jittered up and down as she panicked to get Jeff back from an unfortunate fate. “No can do, Ma’am.” Spoke the griffin who sat atop the transport vehicle. “This here load of goods is going straight to the Great Nest, the capital of the Griffin Kingdom. The king would have my head if I let as much as a flea leave this carriage.” “Come on, you really have no idea how important this is.” Her voice grew higher and higher, as the moment progressed on. “I’m sure I don’t, but I can’t risk it. Sorry, Ma’am.” An idea popped into her head. “Uuuuggghh, fine. You got me.” The griffin smiled as Lyra started to walk away, giving his partner the signal to continue. As the carriage that held Jeff inside took flight, Lyra dove behind a nearby bush, her horn lighting up. As the brightness reached its peak, she disappeared in a flash of golden magic. Reappearing inside the carriage, she slightly let out a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness…” She whispered to herself. Looking around, she tried to find the crate Jeff laid in. “I’m gonna head in now, holler for me if you need me.” The griffin who sat atop the carriage told his partner. Lyra gulped, frantically trying to find a place to hide. Finding no other option, she dove into a crate, hiding herself among the loads of apples that laid inside. She breathed lowly as the griffin from before stepped inside. He walked closer and closer to her, making her gulp for a second time. A creaking noise came from above her, as the griffin sat atop her crate. “Feels good to relax my aching muscles.” Lyra sweat a little, as she worried she would get noticed. Knowing she had no other choice but to remain here until they landed, she tried to get comfy in her cramped compartment. Closing her eyes, and hating Jeff's obliviousness to his environment.