“Now, I’m trying to be as delicate about this as I can,” Discord said happily, “But somepony really picked the wrong Draconequus for that job, unfortunately. So how should I break the news…”
“What the hell are you talking about?” the Mohawked human scowled, “And when can I get my pants back?”
“Honestly,” Discord rolled his eyes, “If you were THAT concerned about pants, why didn’t you just wait until morning and get discharged from the hospital like a normal monkey?”
“I knew Celestia had to be having me watched after the spectacle at the Tavern,” Ki glared at Discord, “I didn’t think I’d rate sending the Lord of Chaos to come collect me, though.”
“Actually,” the chaotic chimera pointed out cheerfully, “It was LuLu, not Tia. And the only reason she didn’t come scoop you up herself was because her two favorite monkeys are both having troubles in the Crystal Empire.”
“Wait,” the human said in confusion, “Luna? I’ve never had any problems with Luna. We never even met.”
“Actually you never even met Celestia, either,” Discord chuckled, “Which brings me back to my original point, how badly would you freak out if I told you you didn’t exist.”
“What the fuck do you mean I don’t exist?!?!” Ki stomped a shoeless foot on the floor of the baggage car, “I’m standing right the fuck here in front of you!”
“That’s what most ponies would assume,” Discord nodded sagely, “Although, I’m honestly surprised Princess Purple-Smart didn’t notice this first. She must be getting slack with her examinations these days…”
“Diane wouldn’t let her examine me,” Ki explained irritably, “Said she already had a human to do science on.”
“I see,” Discord stroked his beard absently, “Wait did you say Diane? Do you mean Pinkie Pie?”
“Yeah,” the mohawked human gestured meaninglessly, “It’s a thing. Sometimes I call her Diane, sometimes she calls me Charlie. It’s no big whoop.”
“Oh you modest little primate,” The Lord of Chaos chuckled merrily, “Shipping with Pinkie Pie on the sly. You dirty little OC. You know, for a human in Equestria you’ve been a pretty dismal let-down. Other humans are liberating changelings and saving the Crystal Empire, while you hide out for weeks in Pinkie Pie's basement, drink yourself into a coma, and then run away…”
“Don’t sugar coat it,” Ki spat, “Say what you really mean.”
“I was trying to do just that,” Discord responded flatly, “When I was quite rudely interrupted. Now as I was saying, as a human you’ve been pretty disappointing, but as a figment of somepony’s imagination, you’ve done pretty good for yourself. Look at you running around in the real world shipping with Pinkie Pie.”
“Quit saying that, goddammit!” the middle-aged human said with growing annoyance.
“Which, part?” the draconequus asked innocently, “The part about you being a figment, or the part about you shipping with Pinkie Pie?”
“Both,” he replied crossly, “I know that I fucking exist, and me and Diane had a very nuanced friendship!”
“From what I heard,” Discord raised an eyebrow, “You took turns stalking and sexually harassing each other.”
“Like I said, it was a very nuanced relationship,” the human nodded, “And how do you do expect me to believe that I’m some imaginary figment?”
Discord snapped his fingers and the pair were standing outside a seedy warehouse that had been converted into an entertainment facility. Ki only needed a glance and the lewd neon signage to know exactly what kind of establishment he had been brought to.
“A Strip Club?” he turned to his guide/captor (he wasn’t sure, but he was pretty sure he was under some form of arrest), “Why would we be going to a strip club?”
“We’re looking for answers,” Discord replied gleefully.
“And you expect to find answers at a strip club?” Ki retorted incredulously.
“There are always answers to be found in a strip club, my middle-aged padawan,” the draconequus replied with reverence, adding, “And it’s not just any strip club, this is the Filly Factory. It’s the most famous strip club in Equestria. Also it’s a changeling strip club. Also I’m paying so stop being a wet blanket before I turn you into a walking talking wet blanket just to see if anypony notices the difference.”
“I guess, if you’re paying,” Ki shrugged and began to follow Discord towards the door.
“Curb your enthusiasm,” Discord snapped his fingers and Ki found himself following a dull grey goat, “And call me Gary. We’re going to TRY to keep a low profile.”
“Oh, and your welcome,” with a sly wink from Discord, Ki found himself, wearing a pair of thick, rubber, steel-toed Frankenstein boots, “But you still don’t get pants. Pants are for winners.”
“Actually,” Ki shrugged, “Do you think they’ll let me in dressed like this? I look like an escaped mental patient.”
“Apparently I need to remind you that you are, in fact, an escaped mental patient,” Discord rolled his eyes before continuing, “And don’t worry you’re with me.”
“Mr Gary,” the insanely discolored earth pony stallion checking the door smiled broadly, “Here with a friend, I see.”
“Yes,” the goat smiled, “Anypony, meet Kiki meet Anypony. My human friend is on my tab. We’ll be meeting with some associates later.”
“Of course, sir,” the pony smiled and stepped aside letting them pass into the darkened interior.