//------------------------------// // The Freshest Milk // Story: Jeff The Undistinguished // by Portable Dingus //------------------------------// Thump, Thump. Tremors shook the foundations of the earth as ponies left and right fled for their lives. A flash of blue, a flash of magenta, even a flash of yellow. All shades of ponies were in a frantic, frenzy. Fleeing for their lives as a giant four-headed hydra stomped through their town. Crack! Crrrrr! A house fell before the sheer weight of the titanic beast, becoming nothing but a pile of rubble that used to be a pony’s domicile. “Oh dear, Celestia!” Screamed Lyra Heartstrings, as she fled through the streets alongside her fellow country-ponies. Sweat flowing down the sides of her face in exhaustion. “This is like, what, the third time this year? Why did I ever move from Canterlot!” She closed her eyes, speeding through the town in chaos as fast has her dainty hooves could take her. “Waaaaaahhh!” A scream reverberated through the air, hitting her ears like a jackhammer in a construction zone. She stopped in her tracks to see if anypony had gotten hurt, scared to see one of her friends meeting their fate at the aforementioned beast. Looking every which way, she couldn’t trace where the noise was coming from. The screaming got closer, and closer, until it reached a crescendo. Ears flickering, Lyra knew where the noise was coming from. She looked up to see a blur of green, blue, and peach-yellow, before being struck by the very being who was screaming. “Humph.” The being landed with a hard thud, his fall faintly cushioned by the pony below him. Lyra laid flat on her back, her hooves spread to their sides. Shaking her head to wake herself from her stupor, she opened her eyes to see what exactly hit her just then. She swallowed with an audible gulp. Laying right on top of her, was a creature she only dreamed of meeting. A creature that always fascinated her, and was read to her by her mother as a bedtime story. The creature that now laid on her, was none-other than the mythical creature known as a human being. The human shook his head, rubbing a sore spot on his back before propping himself up with his arms. Opening his eyes, he was greeted by a sight that he would've never guessed of seeing. He was looking straight at the eyes of a colorful, big-eyed, cartoonish-looking, pony. In this situation, he could only think of the most articulate of words to utter. “Uhhh… What?” * * * * The squeaky noise of a Walmart shopping cart pierced Jeff’s ears as he made his way down the dairy products aisle. Stopping in front of a freezer; the item next on his list laid behind the contraptions cold, frosty compartment. Opening up the freezer, he looked around to see if he could find the brand of milk he liked—two percent milk. Finding it on the middle shelf, he extended a arm to reach in the back of the freezer in order to retrieve the freshest one. “Huh?” Jeff questioned. Patting around, he felt nothing in the back of the freezer. Deciding to take a closer look, he moved his head towards the freezer, squinting his eyes. “Hmm, Hmm.” Hummed a little girl as she walked down the very same aisle, not paying attention to the environment around her. “Strange, there seems to be no milk in the back.” He thought aloud to himself, puzzled by the lack of fresh milk in the freezer. Before he could return back to his cart, the little girl who made her way down the aisle accidentally bumped into his cart. The kinetic force sending it rolling towards Jeff. “Humph… W-Whoa!” Jeff fell forward, crashing straight into the freezer. Strangely enough, the shelves of milk pushed inwards as he crashed into them. The freezer consuming him like its afternoon lunch. Falling completely into the frozen food container, he closed his eyes as he expected to hit the back of the machine in a moments notice. After a moment, he noticed that he didn't hit anything at all, and instead was still falling. The coldness of the freezer replaced by the warm, solace of the sun's light shining upon his back. “Wait, what?” He said in shock, as he opened his eyes. “No, no, no, no, no, nooooooo!” He yelled as he fell from the sky, completely flabbergasted and frightened over his current predicament. “Waaaaaahhh!” He screamed his lungs out as he fell onto the hard ground below. Though, he took note of the lump of slight softness that seemed to break his fall just a bit. “mmmm” He drooled in a his daze. He then shook his head, before rubbing a sore spot on his back. After that, he propped himself up with his arms, opening his eyes to gaze upon yet another surprising sight. What laid under him was a horse like creature of sorts, except this equine was more colorful, and vibrant than a crayola coloring kit. “Uhhh… What?” He uttered out, unsure what to think at the moment. The last couple seconds of his life being a extravagant roller coaster. Lyra—the pony under him—beamed, forgetting the current catastrophe that was taking place. “A-a-a Human.” She squealed lightly, her face lighten up like a firework on the fourth of July. Jeff—for his part—Remained as stoic as he could in his current situation. His face remaining blank, that was until he notice the position he currently was in. Lyra also took notice of this, blushing redder than a rip apple plucked straight off a tree from Sweet Apple Acres. With her legs spread apart, and the way Jeff appeared above her. It looked like he was about to come onto her, and do something lewd. Wiggling out from under him, she stood up and said, “I c-can’t believe it. A real life human!” Jeff as well stood up, finally coming to his senses. “A-a talking horse!” He pointed a finger at her, his jaw dropped, along with the look of pure shock plastered across his features. Lyra pouted a little, her cheeks puffing out. “Rude… I’m a pony just to let you know.” Not letting his outburst ruffle her too much, she walked closer to him, taking a good look at his form. Jeff wore a green short-sleeved shirt, along with a pair of blue jeans. His face being about as average as a face could get; nothing in particular stood out about him. Lyra on the other hand, saw him in another light. To her, everything about him stood out. “That only makes it stranger…” He said lowly, still recovering from the suddenness of the situation. Poking at his leg, Lyra giggled a little. “Heeheehee. This is so going to make Bon Bon freak.” Staring down at her, Jeff spoke his thoughts aloud. “Well, put this on the list of weirdest things to happen in Walmart…” Lyra stopped poking him to look up at him with her head tilted. “Walmart… What’s that, oh gosh I have so many questions!” Shuffling about in euphoria, Lyra resembled a kid who just got the present they wanted for Christmas. “It’s a— Before Jeff could respond to the gleeful Pony, a thundering thump shook the ground that they stood on. Lyra audibly gulped. “Oh yeah… that's right.” Looking at the pale, mood changed pony, Jeff couldn't help but ask. “What’s right.” As if on cue, a roar shook the very foundations of their beings as the hydra that was terrorizing the town stood towering a good fifty or so feet away from them. “Sweet Jesus on a pancake, what is that!” He looked towards the colossal beast, his heart sinking in his chest. Lyra turned to look at the monstrosity herself. “Yeah, forgot about that…” “We should be running right about now.” “Yes, yes we should.” In a blink of an eye, the both of them took off speeding down the street as fast as their legs could carry them. Lyra slightly ahead of Jeff due to her having a four legged advantage. “I certainly don’t remember this being a part of the Walmart attraction!” Yelled Jeff in a panic, his mediocre shape lead him to already be tired out. “Less talking, more running” Yelled Lyra back at him. He ran, he ran with all the strength a man who never excelled in any physical sport could—very poorly, and with a hint of frailness. “Come on, my grandmother can ran better than that!” Lyra insulted him, not all too happy with his poor running skills. “I’m sorr-y-y-yyyyy…” He replied to her in a whiny voice. “Hold on, I’m gonna try something.” Lyra spoke to him, hollering for him to halt. Jeff kept on running. Though, that was until he rammed straight into Lyra. Falling over, the both of them quickly got back up. “What’s the deal?” Jeff asked, reasonably panicked at her sudden stop. “Just give me a moment, you’ll see.” Lyra insisted, her horn starting to glow slightly. Jeff turned around, frighten over what he saw. The hydra from before was almost upon them, ready to take them into its gullet with one swift move of its heads. “Whatever it is, you better do it quick!” He yelled at her, shaking in fear. “Just… hold… on… one… moment… longer…” She said to him with a strained voice, her horn glowing like a hundred fireflies. Jeff was transfixed on her horn, perplexed at what exactly it was doing. “Wait, you’re a—” Jeff didn't get to finish his sentence, as he was whisked away just before the hydra could sweep its heads down to snatch them up. * * * * Reappearing with a golden flash, Jeff’s cheeks pushed out as upchuck made its way up his throat. Turning around, he let his stomach's contents spill all over the ground. “W-what just happened?” He asked panting, wiping the remnants of his lunch from earlier off his cheek as he stared at Lyra with wide eyes. “I used a teleportation spell to save our flanks.” She said with her chest puffed out, proud of her feat of magic. “And just in the nick of time too.” She wiped a bead of sweat from her brow, happy to be a good distance from the titan. Jeff looked around noticing that he was in an alleyway, the sound of thundering footsteps far off in the distance. “Wha, how… you know what? After how strange this day has turned out to be already, I really shouldn't be surprised.” “Heeheehee.” Lyra giggled a little, amused by his antics. “Soooooo, what was that you just did exactly?” Asked Jeff as he sat down to rest. Sitting on her haunches in return, Lyra explained to him. “That was magic, what, you never seen magic before?” “No, no I have not.” Deadpanned Jeff. Lyra’s face contorted with astoundment, taken aback by his lack of knowledge over something so trivial it’s like breathing air. “Wait, really.” “Yes, really.” Jeff said flatly. “That’s so weird.” She took a pondering appearance. “Yeah… I could say the same thing.” Suddenly pouncing on top of him, Lyra basically shouted. “You got to tell me more about yourself; about humans!” Grunting from the sudden invasion of his personal space, he could only reply with what first came to his head. “Whoa, hey. Is this really the time to be curious, I mean sure, I got my questions too, but there’s a giant multi-headed monster out there, and this is what’s concerning you?” Getting off of him—blushing slightly—Lyra replied with. “Sorry… it’s just I've always wished of meeting a real life human ever since I was a filly.” She pawed at the ground with her hoof. “Though, my family and friends said they were just fairy tales, I never believed them. The stories... they were just so real.” Rubbing his head in thought, Jeff replied to her confession. “This is so surreal.” His head throbbed with pain, both from the recent teleportation, and the shock of the situation around him. His brain working at its full capacity—Which isn't very impressive—to make heads and tails of everything around him. “Hey Miss Pony lady, I never got your name?” He asked, deciding not to think too hard about the wackiness of the world. “Oh, yeah. That’s right, I’m sorry my name’s Lyra Heartstring’s; you? She walked up to him, hoof raised out for a shake. Bending down to shake her hoof, he responded. “The name’s Jeff.” “Jeff? Strange name.” She chirped. “Yeah…” He blankly said. Hearing a menacing roar erupted from the other side of the town, Jeff protested in fear. “How exactly are we gonna deal with that! That’s definitely no prairie dog…” “Usually Twilight and her batch of friends deal with monsters and other catastrophes like this, while the rest of us try to hold out as long as we can till they do. Problem is, they happen to be out of town at the moment…” “Ah huh, well that’s a kick in the head. “Yeah… So the best we can do is try to hold out, or flee as best we can.” “So the plan is just to get as far away as possible? I’m liking the sound of that.” He began to walk out of the alley, the side facing away from the giant monstrosity. “Wait!” Lyra shouted for him to stop. “What?” He asked. “We can’t just leave, there's still ponies in there fleeing for their lives. We can’t just up and abandon them.” He looked over himself, and then spread his arms out presenting himself to her. “I don’t know what you’re expecting from me, I’m not exactly a knight in shining armor.” “Yeah… but…. we can’t just do that to them, it’s not right.” Lyra said looking down, her features contorting into a frown. Feeling a strong sense of guilt build up in his stomach, Jeff looked back and forth between her and the end of the alleyway. On one of his turns around to look at her, she was giving him the biggest puppy dog eyes. Sighing, he finally said. “Fine, I’ll help you. But as soon as I do, you better help me out with getting back home. I can only handle so much weird in one day.” Jumping up and down, happy with successfully persuading him to help. She said to him mirthfully. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” She went up on her hind legs to give him a hug. “Yeah… no problem.” He said while she hugged him, rubbing the back of his neck. Releasing her grip around him, she said. “Sooooooo… got any ideas?” Jeff just face palmed. * * * * Hiding behind a turned over carriage, Lyra and Jeff took a peek over to view the hydra that was seventy or so feet away from them. “Tell me again why I agreed to this?” Whispered Jeff. “Because your a good human.” Lyra replied back to him. Jeff sighed. “Unfortunately so.” “Oh, hush it.” “So, we just stick to the plan?” Jeff asked, really not wanting to do what he was about to do. “Yep.” “No alterations or last second thoughts.” He started to sweat. “Not really.” “I was afraid you'd say that.” He turned to look at her. “Ready?” She nodded. “Well, here goes nothing.” Removing himself from behind the carriage, Lyra followed him. They stood in front of the carriage, giving each other one final nod before continuing on with the idiotically, foolish stunt they were about to attempt. “Hey, ugly!” They yelled in unison. The hydra heard the mosquito like voices of the pair, and promptly stopped its current rampaging to look at where the noise had come from. Seeing the same beings who barely escaped its hungry stomach from before, the colossal beast gave a earth shattering roar from each of its four heads before charging at them. Sticking to the plan they thought up moments before, the two began to flee the scene. Leaving behind the prayers they said internally. “Running, running, running!” Yelled Jeff in fright. “So which way is the way out of town.” “Froggy Bottom Bog is this way, that’s where we're going to lure him. Now stop talking and run!” “Don’t have to tell me twice.” They ran, they ran with all the might they could muster. In this case, Jeff mustered all the strength of a toddler learning how to walk. His general lack of running skills made him regret skipping out on gym class. They ran by other ponies along the way: they dove out of the way behind cover. Hiding from the towering behemoth that raced after the two numskulls who triggered its rage. Sometimes there was a rock, sometimes they would stumble, all the time Jeff cried his eyes out saying over and over again. “We’re gonna die...” “We are not, just keep running; trust me.” Lyra encouraged her partner, even though she was having her own doubts at the moment. There was a stick in the middle of the path they currently were running down. It glowed with a mysterious aura, holding a power that held depths of magical strength. Jeff—Like the unperceptive, buffoon he was—Tripped over it. Falling face first onto the ground with an audible, “Humph.” Lyra turned to Jeff, her heart sinking as she feared that the sudden stop would cost them their lives. “Jeff, get up! Please, we gotta move!” The magical aura that enveloped the stick like a nebulous cloud, resonated with the brightness that Lyra’s horn displayed earlier. It reached a climax when a beam of energy erupted from its tip, making its way straight towards the hydra’s heads. The beast merely moved its heads out of the way, successfully dodging the magical beam of energy. The hydra gave the two a smug grin, that displayed on each and everyone of its heads. The onlooking ponies stared at the beam, which flew into the sky. That was until it hit a gem that was being carried by a bird flying over head. It ricocheted off its reflective surface and soared towards the ground, hitting a mirror that lay shattered on the ground, bouncing off its surface and hitting the Hydra straight in the rear. The monstrosity lit up with the same color aura as the beam that struck him, as each of its heads winced in pain. The beast slowly started to shrink, it’s size decreasing with each passing second. Jeff’s, Lyra’s, along with the rest of the ponies in the town jaws dropped. Not believing what they were witnessing. Jeff looked to his side to see a cart, on it was written in bold letters. "Property of Canterlot’s mysterious magical artifacts emporium." “Huh… well, what do you know.” Standing up, Lyra and Jeff walked over to the now minute, little hydra. “I can’t believe it…” Lyra lightly said. “Yeah… talk about a lucky break.” Jeff uttered, completely at a loss for something of real merit to say. Too transfixed at the little devil that stood before them. He saw a bottle laying on the ground beside him, so he decided to pick it up and scoop the little hydra in it. Sealing the creature inside with the cap. He presented it to Lyra. “See, cute in there isn’t he?” He joked. “Heeheehee…” Lyra shallowly giggled, still shocked over the unbelievable luck they just had. The ponies who were in hiding, stepped out from their hiding spots to crowd around the two—mostly Jeff. They were silent for a bit, but one pony in the crowd broke it by shouting. “Cheers for the mysterious hero thing!” “Wait, what?” Jeff questioned, but all he got for an answer was the ponies lifting him into the air. Carrying him through town shouting. “Hip, hip, hurray!” Lyra laughed loudly, her chortles bringing a smile upon her face. “Hip, hip hurray!” She chimed in, happy to be alive, and thankful for Jeff’s clumsiness. As he was carried through town, Jeff screamed. “Somebody help me, please!” The ponies just ignored him, carrying him in cheer. Thankful for his deeds, albeit accidental they were.