Third time's the charm, huh?
Screwball, just... don't.
Fun With the Canterlot Upper Class
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I give a wide yawn as I sit up in bed, stretching.
I rub my eyes before turning to look out the window. The sky is cloudy and the snow is still blanketing the world.
I sigh, slumping back against my pillow.
Man, what am I gonna do today. There’s only so many things one can really do during winter. The Crusaders and I have made snowpegasi, we’ve had snowball fights, played snow fort, gone sledding.
It’s all getting kinda boring for me, really. I want winter to end so things can move on already.
I’m pulled out I’ve my suckling by a sudden flash of blue light.
I close my eyes and when I open them, find a scroll laying in my lap. The surprising thing is that it has Princess Luna’s seal, a crescent moon.
What could the Princess of the Night want to talk to me about?
I levitate the scroll and unfurl it.
Dear Screwball Rich,
You are invited to Canterlot for lunch with myself. There are certain matters I wish to discuss with you and Twilight Sparkle.
Please come alone. This is a matter I wish to keep very private.
Your Princess of the Night and friend,
Luna.
I blink a few times, frowning. Certain matters? What the heck does that mean?
Shrugging and deciding I’ll find out when I meet with the princess, I get up and leave, heading downstairs.
To my disappointment, Spoiled is sitting at the table eating something that honestly looks like grains, but not the tasty kind.
“Breakfast, Miss Screwball,” Randolph says, laying a plate in front of me. It has scrambled eggs, hay bacon (I still think it’s okay, but personally prefer the real deal), Prench toast and a glass of chocolate milk.
At once Spoiled gives a loud sniff.
“And what’s your problem?” I ask, giving her a sideways glance. I know, dumb question. What isn’t her problem is the more accurate thing to ask.
She sniffs again. “I just pity you. Considering what you eat, I doubt you’ll have a fine body when you’re a mare.”
“What, like yours, Mrs Upturned Nose?” I shot back. “You do realize you’re the only pony in all of Equestria with a nose like that, right?”
She smirks. “I know. Other ponies wish they could have my looks.”
“Only if they’re totally brain-dead,” I snort. “Or blind.”
She scowls at me. “Oh? I’ll have you know I’ve spoken with nobles who find me very attractive.”
“You or your money?” I sneer, using my magic to spread some butter on one of my slices of Prench toast. “Anyway, I don’t have such an ugly nose, yet I’ve been summon to meet with Princess Luna about something important.”
Her eyes widen. “Princess Luna summoned you?” then she sneers. “Probably finally convinced her sister you need to be turned to stone.”
I give her a deadpan look. “I really hope Tirek takes your magic before the Mane 6 stop him.”
She blinks, confusion playing across her face. “Huh?”
I don’t respond and just eat my breakfast, ignoring her the whole time.
After it’s become clear to her (though it took several minutes of my ignoring her to finally get it) she starts telling me how I need to freshen up my look.
“You can’t go meet the princess looking like that,” she says, indicating to my hair and beanie.
“Why?” I ask through a mouthful of Prench toast. “You meet other ponies looking like that,” I indicate to her, more specifically that nose.
She gapes, before glaring at me. “How dare you? You think you can insult me, your own mother, in my own home?”
“Uh... yeah,” I shrug, finishes off my breakfast, licking the chocolate milk mustache off my upper lip. My eyes narrow slightly. “And you still don’t have any right to call yourself my mother.”
She sputters, clearly unable to find words.
I smirk. “I’d love to stay and chat some more, but I’ve got an important meeting to attend. Later, loser.”
The look on her face just before I teleport away, priceless.
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I reappear outside the gates of Canterlot. I nod to the two white Earth Pony guards standing out front.
I’ll give them credit, they don’t flinch. However, they’re eyes narrow.
“How did you do that?” the one on the right asks.
I grin. “Chaos Magic. Discord put it in me when he was out. Too bad for him I’ve a mind of my own.”
Their spears are pointed at me right after I mention the master of chaos.
I roll my eyes. “Really, guys, if I was a threat, would I have appeared in front of you like this? Also,” a small flash later and their spears have turned into gingerbread, “I just told you I’ve Chaos Magic. You’ll really think spears are gonna do any good against me?”
They look to each other, clearly unsure what to do.
A thought of what I can do to kill time til my lunch with Princess Luna and Twilight pops into my head and I smirk. “Would you guys like to see me cause trouble for two stuck up unicorns?”
Say what you will, when it comes to Canterlot unicorns, Earth Ponies still hold a slight grudge against them, even now, at least when it comes to the stuck up ones.
They both blink, glancing at each other again.
“Would it help if I told you they’ll be Jet Set and Upper Crust?”
That does it. The look in their eyes tells me they’d love to see those two snobs get some just desserts. I’m gonna guess those two have wronged these guards or those they know personally in past.
They grin, stepping back to allow me to pass. “Welcome to Canterlot, Miss...”
“Screwball and I’ll bring some viewing crystals so you can watch it all play out when I’m done,” I call back as I walk through the gates, returning their spears to normal.
The snickers I hear tell me I may have just made some new friends in the Canterlot Guard.
Doing a quick aura search, I find the location of the two snobbish unicorns at a very fancy-looking cafe.
Donning a disguise by simply making my mane and tail similar to Diamond’s, making my beanie disappear and changing my Cutie Mark to look like a gemstone, I walk into the cafe and sit down at a table close by.
A waiter comes over and I decide to do the kind thing and order one of the most expensive of their smallest desserts. Don’t wanna spoil my appetite before lunch with Luna, do I?
As the waiter leaves, I decide to hear what’s being said by the snobs.
“... still cannot believe Fancy Pants liked that dress,” Jet Set was saying, sounding horrified. “It was so... plain! How is he the most fashion-forward pony in Canterlot if he thinks that was a good dress?”
“And saying how those... those... ponies,” it’s clear she wanted to use some other word but couldn’t find one she could say in public, “were wonderful to meet? How can such uncouth ponies from a farming town be considered better company than ponies such as us?” she finishes, tossing her mane back with a flourish.
Gee, I have no idea why Fancy would think that way. You seem like such wonderful characters.
Suddenly a waiter comes over with what they clearly ordered. “Your Caldo verde soup and chthonian tea, sir and madam.”
He places a bowl of soup and fancy glasses in front of them both.
Smirking, I wait til they had a few tastes of their orders, before using a little Chaos Magic on Upper Crust’s soup.
She lifts her spoon up to her mouth (even her sips sound snobbish). A second later, her eyes widen and she opens her mouth, a torrent of flames shooting fourth.
She grabs her tea in her magic and chugs it down in a very undignified manner.
I snicker as Jet Set looks to his wife in confusion. “What was that about?”
“Th-the soup!” Upper Crust rasps, pointing to the bowl with an offending hoof. “It... it suddenly became ridiculously spicy. I felt like my tongue was literally on fire.”
It kinda was for those brief seconds she was breathing out the stuff.
The stallion gives the mare an uncertain look. “And you didn’t notice until just then? You’ve been enjoying that soup for half a minute.”
The mare just scowls at him, pushing the bowl over to him. “See for yourself!”
Giving his wife an eye-roll, Jet Set levitates a spoon to the soup and takes a sip, only to shudder.
“Spicy? That’s far too salty! How did you manage to eat any of this?”
Upper Crust frowns, taking another spoonful, before grimacing. “What... what’s going on? Now it taste like... ugh. I don’t even know what to say it tastes like, but it’s awful!”
“Waiter!” Jet Set calls, his tone filled with annoyance.
The waiter who served them comes back over. “Yes, sir?”
Jet Set points to the offending dish. “What is the meaning of this? The soup my wife has received is awful.”
The waiter cocks an eyebrow, before levitating a small spoon out of the breast pocket of his suit, puts it in Upper Crust’s soup and takes a sip. The frown on his face deepens. “The soup is just fine, sir and madam.”
“Fine?!” Upper Crust almost yells, though keeps her voice low when she realizes she’s in a public place. “My tongue was fried by this soup, then my husband tries it and it’s too salty. What kind of sick joke are you all playing at?”
The waiter just continues to frown at them. “Our food is some of the finest in Canterlot. We do not make mistakes and have not this time. Your soup is perfectly fine.”
“Are you insane?!” Upper Crust growls, getting up. “Dear, we’ve leaving. We’ll find an establishment with real food.”
A cough from the waiter gets their attention. “Regardless of you impressions of the food, madam, you and your husband will still need to pay for what you ordered.”
“For this dreck?!” Upper Crust scoffs, lifting her bit purse from her saddlebag. “We’ll pay for the teas and nothing more!”
As she levitated the bits out to pay, however, I snicker.
At once, the bits grow tiny feathered wings and flutter out of her magical grip.
She just stares, mouth open as the bits fly away.
“I... bu...” She looks to the two stallions, Jet Set wearing just as shocked an expression as her, however the waiter is just giving her a deadpan look. “Didn’t you see that?!” she demands, pointing up to where her money is flying away.
The waiter just snorts. “Madam, do not try to distract me just so that you can get out of paying.”
Upper Crust scowls whilst Jet Set looks to him as if he's crazy. “I am not avoiding paying!” she uses her magic, grabbing several more bits and tosses them at the waiter, who catches them in his aura.
"Please leave, madam,” he says sternly. “And, for future reference, never return. We will not serve customers who cause problems for no reason.”
“No reason?!” Upper Crust’s right eye twitches.
Her husband seems to be the smart one as he pulls her aside and they leave.
I finish of the chocolate crest I ordered, pay the waiter and quickly move to follow them.
As I expected, they go to another restaurant, The Golden Horse Shoe and order from there.
I take a seat a little away and use a Deterrent Spell so nopony questions why I’m sitting at the table and not ordering anything.
As I watch them eating what have to be the most elaborate looking salads I’ve ever seen, I notice they looking at two couples not too far off.
The first is a pair of mare, one a unicorn, the other and Earth Pony. they’re both drinking from the same glass, something I’d think more attuned to a bar or malt shop instead of a fancy eatery, but who am I to judge relationships?
The other is a coltcuddler pair and, if their builds are anything to go by, I’d guess they’re in the Royal Guard. They’re both eating the same salad, even feeding each other.
Yeah, it sounds sappy, but I can’t help thinking it’s sweet, too.
However, from the looks Jet Set and Upper Crust are giving them, it’s clear they think it’s an affront to nature.
So, they think being attracted to the same sex is wrong, huh?
I frown, rubbing my chin with a hoof. How can I work this? Making them fall in love with the same gender would seem kinda cruel, cos it would mean having to alter the one the loved.
They may be stuck up jerks, but even they don’t deserve to have their true soul mate taken away.
I could turn one into the opposite gender, I guess, but then the other is still kinda getting off scot-free in comparison. If only I could have them remain a couple while they were both different genders...
I blink, before smirking. Oh, that is too good. Discord would probably be very impressed by this one.
A little touch of magic to their food and done.
Hold up! For those who read this before, the author made some changes to this chapter cos i wasn't finsihed with my fun.
Enjoy,
Screwball
I watch as they take forkfuls of their salad and eat them. Let the real fun begin.
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Jet Set munched on the crisp leaf of his salad, pausing only momentarily when he felt an odd tingling sensation in his mouth before continuing.
However, as he levitates his fork up something felt... off.
Was it his imagination or was the bowl on his right when before it was on his left?
He shook his head. It was probably nothing. He levitated the fork to his mouth and took a bite. However, as he chewed, he moved the fork back towards the salad— only to spit the salad out in shock, spraying the table.
His aura, it...
He shook his head and rubbed his eyes, thinking he was just imagining it, but... no. it was still there. His aura wasn’t its light grey anymore. It had turned a turquoise-green like Upper Crust’s.
“Dear, what in the world is wrong... with you?”
His hear whirled to his side, before his eyes widened in horror. Staring back at him with equal amounts of horror was... himself.
“Wh-what am I doing there?!” he cried, only for his blood to go cold. That had not been his voice. It was Upper Crust’s voice.
Looking done, he felt the starts of a panic attack coming on. His fur was no longer grey, but yellow and he was now wearing a white shirt under a pink sweater tied around his neck, while also wearing pearls on his neck.
However, the most damning thing of all, was what he saw between his, or rather, her legs.
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To say Upper Crust was shocked to hear her own voice would be an understatement, though it was nothing to compared to turning around and seeing herself staring back with wide eyes.
Glancing over herself, she realized she was not as the one across from her appeared. Her fur was now grey and she was wearing a golfing green shirt with a white sweater tied around her neck. Down bellow, however, was the biggest shock.
Now, out of the couple, she was the one able to keep a level head in any given situation, no matter the drama. Turning, Upper Crust looked to the mare who was clearly her husband somehow in her own body, as she logically had come to the conclusion that she was somehow in his, who was starting to hyperventilate, early signs of Jet Set’s panic attacks.
“N-now, now, dear,” she said, trying not to become creeped out as she heard her husband’s voice say what she meant to. “Let’s not hung around.”
“Not often you see Jet Set taking the lead,” one mare whispered from within the crowd as they got up and Upper Crust let her husband lean against her as they moved out of the restaurant.
Neither of them noticed the little pink filly giggling as she watched them leave, a wicked smirk on her lips and a glint in her eyes.
___________________________________________________________
I silently follow after them, and as we leave, I get a wicked idea.
I can see “Jet Set” talking to the pony out front whilst also trying to keep “Upper Crust” calm.
As they move to leave, the sound of a fart fills the air.
Everypony at once looks around for the source, the two body-swapped ponies blushing profusely as they were able to tell the sound had come from them, even though neither had let one rip.
They quickly leave, ever fifth step resulting in another farting sound.
I can barely contain my laughter as I float after them the spell around myself still keeping others from noticing me.
They move quickly, however, and the constant sound of farts actually goes from being funny, to quite annoying really fast, so I remove that.
It is still funny seeing “Upper Crust” freaking out though. Though, by the way “Jet Set” is taking the lead to try and get them away, my theory about the wife of the couple calling the shots seems justified.
The fun only gets better though. As we move quickly into the Upper Class area of Canterlot, a pair of tall alabaster unicorns walk around the corner and I get a shit-eating-grin even bigger.
Fancy Pants and Fleur Dis Lee! Oh, this is too good! Can't wait for them to spring that little surprise I went back in time a few seconds ago to do. I just hope they'll hold off telling them until after I've had my extra little bit of fun.
They both notice the body-swapped unicorns and move over to them, which causes me to frown slightly. Guess Fancy hasn’t quite figured out these two are jerks yet... which is odd, since the events of Sweet and Elite have already passed according to the CMC.
“I say, Jet Set, Upper Crust,” he says once the quartet are close enough together. “I must say, I wasn’t expecting to see your around here today.”
“Oh, uh, yes,” “Jet Set” stutters, glancing down at the pony leaning into “his” shoulder. “We, uh, felt we’ve had a bit more excitement than we planned today, so we’re going home.”
“Oh, my,” Fleur says, noticing “Upper Crust” leaning against “her husband”. “Is everything alright?”
I smirk, shifting into human form, a keyboard appearing in front of me and start typing.
"Yes, well, that's because my tiny little nipples went to Prance," "Jet Set" said, before blinking.
"Um... come again?" Fleur asks, looking at him uncertainly.
The mare in a stallion's body coughs and I went back to typing. "Sorry. Things have been odd since I do the Cha Cha like a sissy girl."
There's silence between the four unicorns, though there is not silence completely. I'm cacking myself. Sure, I just copied the lines from Bruce Almighty, but to make Upper Crust say them whilst in her husband's body and to unciorns like Fleur and Fancy Pants. It's too much.
“We’re... we had a bit of a situation, so we’re going home to get some rest,” “Jet Set” says, glancing around anxiously. "Which I think I'll definitely need. Seems it got to me more than I thought."
“Well... I can imagine,” Fancy says, hesitantly at first, which isn't surprising considering what the pony before him had been saying, before speaking in a serious tone, closing his eyes. “Frankly, I’m surprised you even came out after what happened with the papers.”
Both swapped unicorns look to him uncertainly.
“The... papers?” “Upper Crust” whispers. “Wh-what... what about them?”
“Well,” Fancy says hesitantly, levitating a newspaper out of one of Fleur’s saddlebags and gives it to them.
They both open it, only for their eyes to widen in horror and I’m rolling around in the air, my hooves over my zipped mouth to stop myself from bursting out laughing, whilst also trying not to pee myself laughing.
Each page of the paper is covered in baby photos of both Jet Set and Upper Crust and, instead of news stories and headlines, they’re headlines about the photos and the stories behind them.
That seems to be both snobby unicorns’ breaking point as their eyes roll into the back of their heads and they drop to the ground, I’m laughing so hard I don’t pay mind as Fancy Pants levitates the two and they hurry off towards the Canterlot General.
Once I’ve finally managed to get my laughter under control, I take a deep breath, let it out, then conjure up to viewing crystals. A quick flicker of magic and they’ve got everything I’ve seen recorded and I teleport them to the guard by the gates to the city.
They’ll really have a good laugh with them, I even added commentary by Morgan Freeman so they’d know about the body swap.
Giggling again as I think about how much they’ll enjoy their gifts, I sigh and turn towards Canterlot Castle. That was fun, glad I found something good to kill some time.
And, don’t worry. I’m not leaving those two swapped. The moment they wake up they’ll be back in their own bodies again.
Still, since I’m in this area of Canterlot and remember the faces of several background snob ponies from the series, I can still have a little fun on my way to the castle, can’t I?