//------------------------------//
// Rainbow Dash is Homophobic and All Mares Are Lesbian 
// Story: I'm Offensive and I Take Offense 
// by Gapeagle 
//------------------------------//

Rainbow Dash and Applejack were bucking the apple trees on Sweet Apple Acres. The hot day was perfect for the harvesting of the apples. It was certainly working up a sweat on both mares. As they bucked the last apples, they wiped the sweat from their brows and leaned on an apple cart beside each other.

"Woah, that's some work, ya know?" Applejack chuckled.

"Ya know it!" Rainbow said as she inspected their work. 

"I think we uhh...need a break," Applejack said with slight nervousness.

"I could certianly use something cold. How 'bout a milshake at Sugar Cube Corner?" Rainbow suggested.

"Well, maybe...I was thinkin' of some place a little more uhhh..."

Rainbow raised her brow at Applejack's odd behavior. "A little place more what?"

"Private."

Rainbow shrugged. "I'm sure Twilight has some cold ones at her place."

"Ummm...nah."

Rainbow was flustered. "Then where?"

Applejack rubbed the back of her neck. She had a blush on her cheeks and her eyes refused to look at Rainbow. "Well, ya see Rainbow. I've been wonderin' and all....and..."

"And what? AJ, what's with ya?" Rainbow took a step away.

"Well, ya see. As ya was workin' I...I kinda realized. Ya pretty hot, girl."

Rainbow blinked. "Yeah...I knew that already."

Applejack snorted in frustration. "Rainbow....Ya a good looking gal. I like how..."

"Applejack, please. I know I'm good looking. Ya don't have to tell me things I already know."

"Rainbow, I wanna go to the barn."

"Sure, ya need help pitchin' hay?"

"If ya wanna call it that..."

"Don't worry, I'll help. I'll get the pitchfork and..."

"Rainbow! I didn't actually mean that! I...I meant we go to the barn. It's private. It's a bit cozy. I..."

Rainbow cocked her brow at her friend. What was she talking about? Barns are private, sure. Cozy? Clouds were cozier. Her mind started to try and interpret the words in a different way. Was it some southern saying she didn't understand? A thought popped in her head and she hesitantly started to ask it.

"Are...Are you askin' me to be with ya in the barn...and...uhh...do it?"

"Well, maybe not that fast," Applejack chuckled. "But...uhh...yeah."

"You're hitting on me?"

"Yes."

Rainbow was starting to become scared. "I'm a mare...you're a mare..."

"We can at least try it, sugarcube."

Rainbow's pupils shrunk to the size of periods. "GAHHHH!!!"

The pegasus grabbed an apple and chucked with all her might at the farmer. The force splattered the apple on Applejack's face and made her fall backwards in the hard ground. While the hitting mare on the ground with tiny Apple Blooms circling around her head, Rainbow spread her wings and dashed away with the speed of lightning.

She quickly zoomed to Sugar Cube Corner. With an expert stop, she stood still right in front of Pinkie, who was standing at the counter of the shop. Rainbow nervously looked about before sighing and leaning on the counter.

"What's up, Rainbow Dash?" Pinkie asked excitedly.

"Ya won't believe it," Rainbow said as she shook her head. "Applejack and I were working right? And then when we were done, she was all like 'I'd like to see you in my barn.' She was hitting on me! I saved myself and got out of there. It was so unlike her."

"Unlike her?" Pinkie giggled. "Please, she and I did it last night."

"What?!"

"She's not as good as you would think, maybe you're better!."

Rainbow's eyes twitched. "Ya can't be serious..."

"But I totally am! She was like guuhhhh and I was like ahhh and the-"

"Bye!"

Rainbow quickly left the shop and soared to Rarity's boutique. Rarity was the most civilized pony in the village, right? She couldn't be lesbian, right? Rainbow prayed to Celestia that would be the case. 

She broke through the door and crashed into Rarity's kitchen. It was midday and Rarity was preparing her lunch. She jumped back at the sudden entry of her friend, but since she was so used to it, she calmed down quickly.

"Rainbow, how are you? Was that another failed stunt?" she asked.

"Oh no," Rainbow panted. "My day is just goin' terrible! Pinkie and Applejack are lesbians! It's so horrid, I know! Applejack asked me to do it and Pinkie and her have already done it!"

"How brutish of them."

"I know right?"

"I would have given you a rose first and perhaps asked you out to dinner."

"Yeah...and it's...what!?" Rainbow squealed.

Rarity cocked her head. "Wouldn't that be what you want? I am a unicorn and we unicorns ask each other out with dignity, unlike those uncivilized earth ponies."

"Uhh...."

"Now, I know how to win the heart of somepony. Oh don't look at me like that! You know that we would make a lovely couple. My feminine features and your masculine personality will make balance in our relationship..."

"Rares....stop..."

"Why? Oh come now, darling. I know how you stare at me. I simply captivate you, don't I?"

"No...I stare at you cause I wonder how ya mane stays that way..."

"Rainbow, my dear, you do not need to hide your feelings from me." She closed in. "I adore you, you adore me. Perhaps we can discuss our feelings over dinner and then carry on in a hotel?"

"You're infected too! I'm outta here!"

Rarity was soon looking at nothing as in a blink Rainbow was gone. A frustrated shrill left the fashionista's throat and she stomped a hoof on the floor. 

"Oh! I was so close!" she huffed.

Rainbow sped by the random Ponyvillians and raced to Twilight's castle. She had to know what was up! Rainbow knew none of her friends were lesbian before, so why would they be now? Did they stand next to each other? Did they sit on the same bench? Did they share a look? Were they in the same location? Rainbow could not understand.

She crashed through a window and planted her face in the Cutie Map. Twilight was sitting in her throne and fell out with a scream. Her loud heartbeats could be heard by Rainbow. The princess grunted in anger as she stared at the intruder.

"Couldn't you use the front door?" she asked coldly.

"Twilight! Ya gotta help me!" Rainbow flew down to her and grabbed her face.

"What's up?"

"Our friends have all turned lesbian for me! I need to hide!"

Twilight chuckled. "I wouldn't blame them."

"What?" Rainbow asked worriedly.

"What will hiding do you?"

"I don't wanna be with such freaks!"

Twilight seductively blinked her eyes. "Well, you're in luck, Rainbow."

Rainbow brightened. "I am?"

Twilight moved her face closer and whispered in Rainbow's ears. "Cause I'm lesbian too, hottie."

"Ya kiddin' right?" Rainbow moved away.

"Of course not! Wanna read the things I wrote about us being together? They. Are. Thrilling."

Rainbow looked about. There was a large book on the floor. Twilight must have been reading it before being startled. The pegasus picked it up and violently slammed it on Twilight's head. The princess paused before her eyes rolled up in her skull and she fell unconscious on the crystal floor.

"Ouch..." were the last words she uttered.

"Whew..." Rainbow tossed the book aside. "She'll feel that in the morning. 

A slow, sarcastic clap echoed through the throne room. Rainbow slowly turned her head to the sound. There, in the doorway, was Starlight Glimmer. The filthiest smirk was on her face. A face that anypony who saw it would punch it immediately. This, along with the mocking clap, was the most epic display of douchebaggery ever.

"You having fun, Rainbow?" she asked with venomous slime to her mocking voice.

"You did this!" Rainbow angrily fired back.

"Great observation, hero. I'm so, so sorry your homophobia is ruining your day. All these beautiful mares, simply speaking about love. And then you come in and reject it. You deny the simplest of truths."

"Love? Please, my friends just wanted to bang me. I don't think that's love..."

Starlight faltered a little. "What? They just asked you to bang?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Except Rares, but she was gettin' too close for me."

"Well that blows...That spell was supposed to make everyone love the same sex, not turn them into whatever they are now...No wonder it was under 'Party Spells,'" she added under her breath.

"Change them back!" Rainbow stomped.

"Ha! Never!" Starlight composed herself. "You must learn to stop being so damn homophobic! I plan to cleanse you of your ignorant ways by making you see true love!"

"What if I was afraid of bats? Would putting me in a dark cell with just bats stop my fear?" Rainbow asked.

"Who says it couldn't?"

"Starlight, I don't think ya plan is right..."

"Oh please! How do you know? You're afraid of gays and lesbians! Simple ponies who express their love in different ways! You are ignorant, disgusting, and rude. You know nothing, Rainbow. I am no villain for trying to make you see the truth!"

"But ya kinda are. Ya just made everypony into something they're not. What if ya changed all the gays into straights?"

"That's different..."

Rainbow shook her head. "Not really. Well, not if ya are for equality."

Starlight stormed over to Rainbow. "Listen here, bub. You are part of a dying breed of morons who believe the world should caress them. Guess what? The world is better off without you horrid bigots. I'm a visionary! I am progressive thinker! I'm the one that makes the world go forward. You're the kind that tries to keep it back."

"Didn't ya like me at your village because ya thought I was gay?" Rainbow asked.

"That was before I knew your true colors."

"I haven't changed. I'm the enemy now just because ya found out my views?"

"I know where you're going with this. And yes, you are still the douchebag! You insulted Lyra and Bon Bon just because of their sexual orientation. You are no hero here."

"Fine, I'll take that. It wasn't right of me to insult them. But I'm still gonna do this to ya."

Rainbow picked up the book and raised it over her head. Starlight scoffed and crossed her legs in defiance.

"Ha! A book? When have books ever done anything of worth? They are old and are filled with outdated dogmas. It's the fact that these horrid things are still being taught at schools that we have such an ignorant society. Some of these books contain such foul language and viewpoints that one would vomit at. Books have not saved anyone. The equal have no need of books. Well, at least not the ones that preach such despicable things."

Rainbow paused. "Uhh...Do you even read?"

"No. And stop there! Just because I do not read doesn't make me dumb!"

"I used to think that too. Not reading doesn't make ya dumb, but it doesn't make ya smarter either."

Rainbow brought the book down on Starlight's head. The unicorn was knocked out cold instantly. At that moment, Twilight woke up and looked about. Rainbow dropped the book and helped her friend up.

"What...What happened?" Twilight gasped.

"Nothing much. Wanna bang?" Rainbow asked.

"Gah! What in Equestria, Rainbow!" Twilight jumped away.

Rainbow laughed. "Just testin' something."

Twilight was confused and raised a brow. Rainbow was still chuckling when she looked down at the book. It was open on the floor. The pages had some crazy crayon drawings surrounded by very neat hoofwriting. The crayon drawings clearly showed Rainbow and Twilight having intercourse. The cursive words described the actions in startling detail.

"Twil...Twi....wha..." Rainbow was speechless.

Twilight followed her friend's eyes. Her own eyes widened in shock and her horn lit up. The book disappeared in a purple flash. A wild blush appeared on her cheeks and she started to laugh innocently.

"He...ha...strange stuff, am I right?" she said awkwardly.

Rainbow fainted.

"Oh dear..."


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