Dear Appletrack,
Nothing’s wrong over there in Ponyville, is it? Is everything fine?
I mean, Mayor Mare hasn’t sent me any major damage reports over the past few weeks since the Yaks visited, so I should think nothing’s wrong. And I do. But there’s been a nagging thought that if I don’t get some sort of significant damage report, then maybe it’s because something so awful happened that nothing could be sent to let me know, you know?
Unless… the town wouldn’t happen to be hiding any damages, would it? Because that shouldn’t be happening, either. Especially not that! What good would that do for anyone unless the damage is so enormous it’s embarrassing to tell me? Are all the houses replaced with tents with houses cleverly painted on them? Is that what’s going on?!
Sorry, I needed to slap myself for that one. That would be plain outrageous. Yeah… just too crazy to be true.
Anyway, I have a question for you. If I told you I knew a popular pony you knew was about to be in some financial trouble, how would you react?
Because Countess Coloratura--or is it Lady Rara now? That’s what her fans have started calling her, and I can’t keep pace with the younger generations sometimes. Anyway, however she goes by, she’s about to be in some trouble with her taxes this year.
More specifically, she kindly wrote a letter to me upon me auditing her stating that she didn’t know how to file taxes. According to her, Svengallop had handled her taxes for her every year since she accepted him as her manager. After a brief inspection of his tax forms, I found out 'handled' actually meant he was claiming her as a dependant. For over a decade.
Upon finding this… irritating discovery, I’ve been busy for the past few hours lining up the mother of all audits for Svengallop that’ll likely break his wallet, and perhaps ruin his coiffed curls. However, I am still occupied with this task, so much so that I haven’t had the time to teach Coloratura the wonderful world of taxes.
That is where you come in, Appleclack. I’ve heard through a grapevine or ten that you know her better than most, and thus I personally request you give her the 101 on getting taxes done. I’ve already granted her some leniency by adding her unpaid taxes over the last decade on Svengallop’s tab (because why not, right?), so she won’t need to worry about that. The rest she should worry about, but with your help, I’m certain she can start off on the right hoof again.
And if you’re stuck, just pester Granny about it. I taught her how to do it back in the day, so she could add a few pointers in if need be. Should you succeed in this task, I would be most grateful for your assistance… and I would even make a concentrated effort to try and properly recall your name. That sounds like a good incentive, don’t you think?
Best regards,
Princess Celestia
Ah, evening Sunny. What brings you--what in Equestria are you wearing?
A-A Nippony pop star? Have you lost your marbles?!
No, those are mine. I mean, yes, they’re also technically yours--NOT important! Where did you even get this idea?
...wait, say that name again.
Again.
Again.
Svengallop... Alright. Okay, here’s the deal. I know you almost never listen to my warnings or suggestions, but I implore you to listen for once. Please please please reconsider absolutely everything about this decision. You don’t know what you’re getting into, I can promise you that.
So you’re firm on this? Alright young lady, I didn't want to have to do this, but if you really, truly want to go on tour, you know you're going to have to leave your hubbycake behind, don't you?
Take him with you? Don't you know Nippony idols have a pure, innocent image to maintain? Why, if ponies over there saw that you were married, you would be ruined! No no no, he must stay behind. Have you even told him about this?
Well, maybe you should have a talk with him. See if he’s okay with it, you know?
Good. Let me know how that talk goes, okay? See you later!
...I actually used her cake husband as a deterrent. What is my life?!