//------------------------------// // The Shopping. // Story: Texas Hold 'em (And Other Various Adventures) With The Humans of Equestria // by Master Lyra //------------------------------// “Guys, does this make my butt look big?” Everyone, including two ponies, shared a look. They looked at Author. “Eeeyup.” GOING TO THE MALL WITH THE HUMANS OF EQUESTRIA By Mister Fluttershy  “So… what do we need to buy?” Kyle asked, looking at the guys in front of him. Coal looked at Fiery. “Well… I need to go get my sword sharpened, and buy perfume for the girls. I imagine Fiery does too.” Fiery opened his mouth, but was interrupted. “I SAID- Fiery needs to too.” Fiery closed his mouth. Kyle looked at Author. “Me and Author want to go looking for clothe-“ “GAYYYYYYYYYYY!” “SHUT UP JOSH! NO. ONE. LIKES. YOU.” “Naw it’s fine Second. He’ll be forever alone… forever.” Josh grumbled, feeling a strange sense of déjà vu. Kyle looked at Kyle Bucy and Connor. “I think they’re going to buy music.” “Oh! So am I!” “Second, did you just squeal?” “Umm… no?” “Hey guys, what time is it?” “Uhh… IDK.” “… did you really just say IDK?” “Eeyup.” “Ugh.” Kyle looked at Josh, who had not yet announced what he was doing. “Josh?” “I’m hungry. I’m gonna go eat.” “Josh, Y U SO FAT?” “I’m not fat!” “…” “…” “…” “…” “… fuck you.” Josh ran off. “He’s so obese.” Kyle observed. “Mhm.” Second agreed. “Alright. Let’s go shop…” AUTHOR + KYLE “Ooh! Let’s go in this one!” “Ugh Author… you’re like a kid in a candy store…” “Ooh! How does this look on me?” “That’s the gayest thing I’ve ever seen you in since we met… and you’ve tried on a tutu.” Author leaned into Kyle. “I thought we agreed never to speak of that!” “Still gay, so much so my Saiyan pride is slowly fading…” “Well… you’re a homophobe!” “Only gay people say that.” “… shut up!” “Anyway, take that off. Do you like this red hoodie?” “…*sniff*” “Author… are you crying?!” “…no…*sniff*” JOSH “Where the fuck is the food court?” KYLE BUCY + CONNOR + SECOND “What music do you guys like to listen to?” “I like metal.” “What about you Second?” “Meh. Something I can sing to.” “And you Kyle?” “I like Dubstep.” “What?! Metal’s waaay better.” “Dubstep!” “Metal!” “DUBSTEP!” “I SAID, METAL!” A song starts playing. A very [url= http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPJKuygePHk&feature=related]recognizable song. Connor looks Kyle Bucy in the eyes, and then turns away and sings, an electric guitar appearing out of nowhere. “Say your prayers little one Don`t forget my son To include everyone I tuck you in Warm within Keep you free from sin 'til the sandman he comes Second’s eyes widened, and he joined and sang. Somehow, the two now had Rambo outfit’s, complete with eyes streaks. Sleep with one eye open Gripping your pillow tight Exit light Enter night Take my hand We're off to never never-land Rave lights came down from the ceiling of the music store. They shined across the room. Something's wrong, shut the light Heavy thoughts tonight And they aren't of Snow White Dreams of war Dreams of liars Dreams of dragons fire And of things that will bite, yeah Sleep with one eye open Gripping your pillow tight Exit light Enter night take my hand We're off to never never-land Kyle Bucy stood there with a slight grin on his face as he watched Connor and Second sing, and Connor shred guitar. Hush little baby don't say a word And never mind that noise you heard It's just the beasts under your bed In your closet and in your head Exit light Enter night Grain of sand Exit light Enter Night Take my hand! We're off to never never-land The rave lights got bright, and smoke started to come from nowhere. We're off to never never-land Take my hand We're off to never never-land.” “Woo!” Second slid on his knees, his outfit gone. He blinked into the eyes of the shoppers and Kyle Bucy. “Amateurs. “ “…” “…” “Well that was weird…” Connor said as he walked over to Kyle Bucy, who hadn’t moved. Connor still had his guitar. Suddenly, the ground started shaking. Connor and Second looked at Kyle Bucy. He looked ready to explode. This theme started playing. “OB-“ Kyle Bucy now had on a professionally made suit. “JEC-“ He pointed his finger at Second and Connor. “TION!!!” Connor’s guitar exploded, sending tons of shrapnel into his body. All the CDs in the store EXPLODED INTO MILLIONS OF PIECES. Only one CD remained: a blank cover. “This is CLEARLY a better song!” Second looked at Connor, who had passed out because of all the sharp fragments in his body. “… okay. I’ll play it.” Second grabbed the CD, went to a CD player, and popped it in. The theme stopped, but this played. “Ha!” Kyle Bucy ran off his suit gone, and wearing a troll face. “God damn it Kyle.” Second swore. Connor was losing a lot of blood. COAL + FIERY “Ow!” Coal suddenly said. “What’s wrong?” “I don’t know… I think it’s my need to help people going off…” “Ugh. Can we finish buying this stupid make-up first?” “… sure.” “Why did you bring me here for this anyway?” “I needed to bring you away from the group.” “… uh… why?” Coal picked up his sharpened sword and pointed it at Fiery’s heart. “Because I know who you are.” KYLE + AUTHOR “OMG.” “What?” Author asked, still recovering his pride. He eventually had decided to get a plain hoodie. “My Epic Sense is tingling.” “What.” “Holy guacamole, Batman! TWO epic things… scratch that, THREE epic things are about to happen!” “… you can tell if epic things are about to happen?” “Eeyup.” “… I’m jelly.” “DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID ANNNNNNNYONE calllll meee?” Hugh Jelly said, right next to Author. “Welp, that’s one of them.” JOSH “Finally! I found it!” Josh’s stomach grumbled in delight. He ordered a double burger, a large fry, and a Lard Shake ©. “I’m not fat…*sniff*… my mom always said I was special the way I was…*sniff*” KYLE + AUTHOR While Author was fighting off Hugh Jelly’s sexual advances, Kyle exclaimed: “The epic-osity is going to happen right…” JOSH Josh  reached for a bite of the burger. KYLE+ AUTHOR “… now!” JOSH Suddenly, the wall of the mall exploded, letting in a heavenly light. One of pieces of rubble blasted Josh’s food out of his hooves. “Sun-ov-a-BITCH!” Josh looked over to the gaping hole. Two figures stood there, one pony and one human. The human's badge glinted in the light, the pony's mane blowing majestically in the sudden wind. Doves flew into the mall, a stray pooping on Josh, who screamed like a girl. The human tossed the pony a pistol. Isaac and Firewall shared a look. "Let's go get that fucking toaster." "Buck yeah." {10 MINUTES EARLIER…} A small appliance exploded. “Shit!” “Curses! I knew that wouldn’t work!” “Fuck, man. Now we need another toaster.” “I think I have an spare.” “You carry around spare toasters? I don’t need one but, damn.” “Yeah. I do experiments like this a lot in my free time. Which is abundant, since I’m an undercover cop.” “I don’t have free time.” “Then what in the bloody blazes are you doing here?!” “…” “…” “…” “…” “… crap. Go get that toaster, and make it fast.” “…” “…” “… aw hell. I must have lost it.” “What? You lost your spare toaster?!” “It’s a tragedy.” “Heh. Yup. Except I could pay for that a million times over, since I’m rich as hell.” “…” “…” “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” “That Alkaios is kinda hot?” “What? No… dude…” “…” “…" “…” “… wanna make an epic entrance into the mall?” “Hell yeah!” Author: What’s with all these “…”s? Author: Hell if I know. COAL + FIERY “You’re a fake!” “…” “…” Author: Again with the “…”s Coal: Shut the buck up Author. Fiery: Seriously dude. Oh, and, it is a fake. I’m locked in the girl’s bathroom. So many periods… so much time… Author: … Coal: Welp, I should probably stop breaking the world now. Author: You think? “…” “Whoa. Never doing that again Author.” “What the hell are you talking about?!” Fiery yelled. “Erm… uh… oh yeah! You’re a fake!” “…fool. I am the great Nightmare!” The ‘Fiery’ dissipated into a dark blue cloud. “You can’t hope to defeat me!” Author: That’s so cliché. Plus, I’ve just noticed something. Author: What? Author: That in almost all these stories, the Nightmare is ther- “SILENCE, FOOL! MY INTER-DIMENSIONAL ABILITIES ARE SECRET!” Author: Not anymore, stupid. “…” Author: Again with the- Suddenly, the mall was filled with the sound of a large boom, and Author popped out of a trans-dimensional pocket, tumbling onto the floor. “… fuck.” “OOoooooh! Hugh Jelly would like to do that to you!” Author got up and ran, screaming, from the pursuing Hugh Jelly. Coal sighed and faced the Nightmare once more. “And I will vanquish you, blah blah blah. Just let me kill you.” {5 MINUTES LATER} “SHHHHHIIII- Oof!” Coal was getting pwned. He and the Nightmare battled across the mall, and had eventually ended up in the electronics store. “Unghh…” Coal groaned as he lay on the floor, his health not very high. His sword lay out of reach. “Do you surrender, child?” “No he doesn’t, fuck face.” The Nightmare turned around, but was bucked in the face. “Coal is the only one who gives two shits about me. I won’t let you mess with him.” Josh repeatedly bucked the Nightmare, but it had little success. Soon, Josh was thrown into a wall, in which he burst through. JOSH “AHHHH!” He landed in a pile of dog poop. NIGHTMARE “Are you ready to die?” The Nightmare said, still watching Josh. *ching* “Nope.” The Nightmare spun around to see Coal holding his sword and an empty bottle. Firewall stood next to him, charging up a fireball, and Isaac held a toaster. “I’m a master in the art of the toaster.” KYLE “… wow. Those were doozies.” Kyle stepped outside the shop to find three figures chasing after a cloud shape. “Aww hell no! I will not be left out of this!” Kyle ran after him. Soon, everyone else did the same. NIGHTMARE “Ach!” The Nightmare took its last blow, turning into a little purple puddle. They had ended up in some hair salon. “You… will… never… defeat… me!” The three humans (or former humans) laughed as Isaac plugged in his toaster. The Nightmare puddle splashed. “No, please! Anything other than that!” He dropped the toaster into the puddle. “AHHHHHHHHH!” EVERYONE All the humans form the group busted through the door. Fiery looked sick, Josh still covered in bruises and poop, Author twitching, Second and Kyle Bucy staring in awe, Connor in a wheelchair and completely covered in bandages, and Kyle wearing his red hoodie and making a face. “Seriously guys. Guys, seriously? GUIS. SRSLY.” The three battle-worn humans laughed at the mess they made. They wouldn’t have to clean up after all. They all left to celebrate one of their many victories by getting wasted. All was quiet. … … … … Except for a small conversation. “Sexuality, huh?” “Yep.” “Hmm. Nice to meet you. I’m Lust.” “I think that’s a dead bird over there. Let’s go rape its dead carcass.” “… yes.” {5 MONTHS LATER} “You may kiss the… bride?” They didn’t just kiss. They had… intercourse right there. Everyone there wore a poker face. Coal and Second put their head in their hands. “Where did my life go wrong?” ~THE END~