//------------------------------//
// Chapter 5 - Little unexpected bumps in the road. 
// Story: Princess Twilight's Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force 
// by Anatinus 
//------------------------------//

The day after the recruitment had been completed should have been a glorious one: handing out  the armor, having the troops swear fealty, introducing the Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force to Equestria. All according to the plans and lists that Twilight had lovingly and meticulously worked on.
And that, of course, was why pretty much nopony was surprised when things went sharply south.
The first hint that things weren't going exactly according to the program took the form of a gargantuan belch from Spike, that interrupted their breakfast by draco-mailing a huge bundle of paper right on Twilight's pancakes. When she shook off the surprise and checked it, it turned out to be a bunch of newspapers attached to a couple of letters, one from Celestia and the other, surprisingly, from none other than the Prince of Pansy, Blueblood. Twilight started reading the titles.
" "Princess gathers freak force." "New Princess forsakes pony troopers in favor of bunch of misfits." "Crown Egghead headed towards new disaster." "New Royal Guard a fiasco in the making.". Spike, I don't understand! How could they write this? And how could they do so this fast? I mean, I have barely gathered the troops!"
Spike pointed at the letters. "Maybe there's something in there that can tell you about it?"
Twilight nodded. She floated the letters over, and unrolled Celestia's first.
"Dear Twilight, 
sorry for the nasty morning call. I thought that it would be better for you to learn this from me rather than from others. Yes, quite a few Canterlot newspapers- and some from other cities - are spewing bile on your new project. Pay no attention to them; all you have to do is show them that your Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force is at least as reliable as my Day Guard and Luna's Night Troops. Let the facts be your bulwark against the assaults of mendacity. Luna, give Raven back her quill. Anyway, my suggestion is to move the oath of fealty a few days forward; I and Luna will attend the ceremony, in order to show our support. Oh, Luna asks if she can bring Tiberius. If there's any problems, feel free to contact us. Still, I believe that there will be no need for that: you've proved your ability time and time again. 
Forever your friend, Princess Celestia of Equestria.
P.S. By the way, while I was writing this Blueblood showed up, and asked me to add a message of his own."
Of course, Twilight was about to take Celestia's declaration of trust with the usual aplomb - i.e. by flipping out completely, when Spike pointed at the other letter. Her curiosity keeping the panic at bay, she unrolled the parchment.
"To Her Royal Highness, the Princess of Friendship, Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville.
It has been brought to my attention that the mudslingers from Equestria's so-called free press have started denigrating your recent opus. Now, I know that we have been little more than passing acquaintances, but I felt that I had to contact you, to offer you my utter and complete support. Ignore them, Princess Twilight. This Force that you've assembled is a work of beauty in your eyes, a labor of love and trust, of dedication and faith, in yourself, in your subordinates and in the goodwill of the ones who answered your call. They have no right to besmirch it. Please listen to me when I  tell you: carry on, and let your Force shine like the diamond you want it to be.
With respect,
Prince Blueblood of Canterlot."
When Twilight put down the letter, there were tears in her and Spike's eyes. Dabbing them with a napkin, she smiled. "That... that was beautiful. I wonder what led Prince Blueblood to be so passionate in his support..."

Many years before...
Princess Celestia was kneeling on the floor of an elegant white bedroom decorated with blue and gold embroidery, her long neck lowered to let her look under the bed.
"Blueblood, come out from under that. Please? Blueblood, I got waffles with jam here. Your favorites!"
In response, an inelegant wailing came out from the small space.
"Why don't they like my Guard, auntie? Is it the armor? Did I use too much glitter? They insulted it, auntie! They called them ridiculous! Can't they see how much I've worked to make them perfect? Can't they appreciate that? When was the last time somepony cleaned under here? It's not fair, I tell you! Not fair at all!"
"Blueblood, come out and I'll let you ride my chariot."
"...can I do a few loops?"

After finishing breakfast ("because a Princess doesn't skip the most important meal of the day!"),  Twilight and Spike were about to leave the castle, when they noticed two figures in the entrance hall, a pearl-white unicorn with an elegantly styled mane and a powerfully built griffin. Well, Spike only noticed the first one. As he drifted towards the mare of his dreams, Rarity turned to look at Twilight.
"Twilight, darling, I'm afraid that we have bad news for you."
"You don't say. What is it? A petition to disband the Force? My brother showing up to point and laugh?"
"What? Oh, no, no, Twilight, nothing like that! You see, today I was out for some shopping, and I met dear Sargeant Stormwreaker here. Her adorable little cub was playing with Sweetie Belle - they were all dusty, but foals will be foals, as they say - so I decided to stop and chat a little, and the discussion moved to the topic of the traditional Guard Outfit; you know, the gleaming armor, the majestic helmet, all the gorgeous details that make a guard so delightful to look at. So, well, I asked her if I could have a preview of how your Force would look in full armor."
Stormwreaker nodded, smiling at Rarity. It was quite obvious that the fashionista's observation about George had touched her mother's pride the right way.
"Well, Your Highness, I told her that I wasn't a sargeant anymore, but that sounded like a reasonable request, not to mention that I was kind of curious myself, so we gathered the others and decided to try them on. Let me tell you, Your Highness... that was a stroke of luck."
"Why?"
"I'll be honest, Your Highness: it's a disaster."
Twilight looked at the griffon incredulously: "But... but that's not possible! The armor is enchanted to adapt flawlessly to the average pony."
Rarity and Stormwreaker nodded, then spoke as one: "Exactly."
"What do you mean?"
Stormwreaker took a step to the side and opened the door. "Look for yourself, Your Highness."
Twilight, still confused, stepped out of the castle... and right into what looked like a clown act.
Right next to the castle's steps, a wobbling helmet was wandering blindly around, a pair of tiny paws betraying the presence of Kissy under it; the Ring Brothers were trying in vain to move under the weight of armor thrice their size; Garmak, Rutgerd and Leaf were struggling to force on what to them were doll-sized outfits, and the even larger Sera and Steady Ascent were basically trying not to look ridiculous while balancing helmets and armors on their back. Even Nyota and Lana had found that their armor wouldn't fit creatures with two horns or a bipedal stance. 
In short, the only ones who had managed to wear the armor without looking stupid were Lost Cause and four other pony troopers.
Twilight fought the need to facehoof, then turned to Rarity. "I'm sorry to impose, Rarity, but could you find the time to put together an uniform for my Force?"
From the look on the face of Ponyville's resident fashion diva, one could have thought that Hearth's Warming had come earlier. "Me? You want ME to create the outfit that will be shown all over Equestria's media? Um, not that I wouldn't do it anyway, mind you, but yes, yes I will do it! And it will be gorgeous!"
As Rarity shot off to her atelier, Twilight turned to Stormwreaker. "Please go after her, and try to keep her design, well, practical. Rarity is a sweet mare, but her artistic vein sometimes makes her... extravagant."
The griffoness simply nodded and took wing. As she left, Twilight used a small flare spell to attract the attention of the still struggling troopers (Garmak had to lift the helmet off Kissy for him to see it), then turned to face them.
"Ladies and gentlebeings, it's pretty clear that the armor isn't working. Luckily, one of my friends has kindly offered to create an uniform for you: therefore, I'd like you to get rid of what you're wearing and move to Carousel Boutique, in order for her to take your measurements."
One of the armored ponies raised her hoof. "Forgive me, Your Highness, but... Does this apply to us as well?"
Twilight nodded. "Yes, um... Background Pony, is it? The idea of an uniform is to express togetherness, and having five ponies in a different outfit kind of defies the message."
Spike turned to her, cocking an eyebrow. "Background Pony?"
"That's one of the five ponies that I  found acceptable for the Force. The others are Lost Cause, Window Dressing, Walk-in Role and Utterly Irrelevant."
Spike shook his head. "Sometimes parents can be VERY cruel..."
Twilight simply nodded, then they rushed off to join the departing troops.

Much later, after a few easy measurement checks and some much harder discussions between Rarity and Stormwreaker about what the uniforms should look like, Twilight decided to invite the troops to dinner, courtesy of the Apple family (with a little help from the Royal Treasury), in order to help them bond. Surprisingly, that worked just fine. George and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were playing happily together, and the food was plentiful and delicious. Granny Smith even fished out a couple of barrels of Apple Family Cider.
In return, the Ring Brothers decided to improvise a performance to show their appreciation: working with the few improvised tools available, the triplets started an endless series of stunts, balancing on Granny Smith's rocking chair while in a three-pony reverse pyramid, juggling an increasing number of dangerous items, swapping places in a flash, all that and more. It was clear to everypony that their talent wasn't just bragging material.
Twilight was enjoying the show, seated between Rarity and Stormwreaker, when she felt an ominous presence looming over her. She turned around, and noticed that Garmak was standing behind her, holding a large backpack.
"A word, if I may, ladies."
With a curt nod, the three shifted to make space for the centaur. Garmak placed the pack carefully on the table.
"Today, while I was getting measured for the uniform, I looked at the various ideas that you devised. While I must say that I'm impressed, I noticed that they were missing an element the traditional Equestrian Armor has: that is, a protective layer. Now, if you'll forgive my boldness, I wanted to show you something that could, possibly, inspire you."
With those words, the centaur slid out of the backpack what looked like a russet breastplate. Stormwreaker looked it over carefully, interested.
"Hm. Solid plates to cover the chest and back, connected by a chainmail net. Shoulder pads, and an underlying hemp shirt. Simple, but efficient. I didn't think you were a fellow soldier, Garmak."
"I wasn't. I've been a farmer all my life."
"Then why...?"
"The Badlands aren't called that way because of their looks, you know. A farmer has to defend himself and his crops from any kind of horror, up to and including the Desert Weevils. If we're not careful, our crops are gone in a blink."
Twilight mulled over the centaur's words. "But... if the Desert Weevils eat all your crops, what do you  eat?"
Garmak shrugged: "Desert Weevils, of course. Roasted, they're delicious."
Rarity, trying to hide a sudden wave of disgust, started examining the armor closely. "This doesn't look like metal. It's light, but solid and slightly flexible. Also, the color is natural. Could you tell me what it is made of?"
Garmak grinned. "That's the good thing with Desert Weevils... you don't throw away ANYTHING."
Rarity smiled weakly to  the powerful centaur. "How... delightful. Now, if you'll excuse me... Applejack! Applejack, dear? Mind if I use the bathroom for a moment? I need to boil my hooves..."
Twilight giggled. Rarity's quirks were always funny. She turned again to look at the centaur, and couldn't help but notice his chiseled physique: muscles toned by years of hard and honest work, powerful arms and legs. Even his eyes, an exotic white on black, were deep and enthralling. She smiled, and leaned toward him. Funny, the table felt wobbly. Maybe she should have told Applejack. But now, she had to tell Garmak how she felt.
"Garmak. Gaaaarmak. Garmak." It was kinda funny. Funny like Rarity, and the table. She said it again, for good measure. "Garrrrrmak. You're very red. Did you know that?"
The centaur frowned. Silly. Why  frown, when she was feeling so good? She poked him in the chest. "Stop. Stop frowning. I'm the Printest, and I tell you to stop frowning." She giggled again.
A sound of galloping hooves interrupted her. How rude. She turned to tell something to the rude pony, and found herself staring at Big MacIntosh. The large workpony was looking very, very alarmed. That was silly. There was a printest right here, who could solve anything. Maybe Twilight could find her and ask for help. For now, she had to say something. "See, Garmak? Big MacIntosh here is red too. Are all the red ponies all muscly and strong? You're all so red. But I like orange more. There's a cute orange stallion I'd like to snuggle with. But he's far away. Bleh."
Big MacIntosh turned to look at the griffon. What was her name? Oh, right. Glinda. Glinda the good beak. Maybe she'd be her fairy godgriffon?
"Ma'am... Granny had me bring up a couple barrels of our HARD cider by mistake! Can you tell me how many mugs did the Princess have?"
Glinda lifted three talons. It wasn't fair. She could do stuff with talons. Talons. Maybe she could cast a spell to turn into her mirror self thingy. The humus. Humuses had talons. They called them fingers and used them to fing stuff. Twilight giggled. She felt so tired... Maybe a nap would help. Kissy was already napping near to his mug. Kissy. Cute kitty thingy. And she had been so bad to him. She should have slapped Chrysantemum... Chips... the ugly bug thingy until she gave the kitty thingies their land back. They were nice, and she wasn't. She'd make everything right again. Because she was the printest.
With those wise thoughts, Twilight slowly floated Kissy next to her, hugged the Luvcat and fell asleep.