LLAMAS
a drama
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: MATCHMAKING, WITH MAMA
by SkelePone
Mama the llama isn’t exactly what you would call the most exciting one in the household.
That position was possibly taken by Pepe Fouchan. Or Vicuña. Or maybe even Poncho.
Mama observed the fussing leader as he toddles about the kitchen, ordering the moving ponies and a grouchy Bronco on where this and that and who knows what else goes. Then again, Poncho was pretty dull.
Mama chuckled from her spot on the rocking chair as a shiny new toaster oven slipped out of the pegasus mover’s grip and landed with a solid thud on Poncho’s head. The elderly dam honestly expected to hear a hollow sound come from Poncho’s skull, but instead her weakened ears were graced by a furious barrage of nagging.
“Aye aye aye, Poncho! Keep whinin’ like that an’ I’m gonna go deaf.” She called with a hoot. Poncho let out a mwa of indignation and scowled at the elder.
“You’re already deaf, you old coot.” He sneered.
“What was that, nieto?” She asked, squinting.
“Nothing, Mama.”
Damn straight. Mama thought to herself with a light laugh. She loved irritating Poncho. He was so easily infuriated; and his reactions were so over-the-top that it was almost impossible to take him seriously. Not that Mama ever tried to.
She hummed the ‘pollitos’ lullaby to herself as she watched the big, strong pony stallions lift heavy boxes and scoot them around. Hey, she was old. She could look at young lads’ flanks all she wanted. Maybe even flirt a little. Every pony and every llama seemed to think she was senile anyways. Mama wasn’t going to correct them either. Being a crazy old lady was fun.
“Hey, Pepe, be a dear and hand me my bottle of cactus wine.” She nicked at the green-woollen pack llama standing idly in the corner. He was obviously day-dreaming, and Mama was curious as to what a brain-dead lunatic like him would be making happy noises about. Her request snapped him out of his reverie, however. He smiled dopily and grabbed the wanted bottle off of the counter and hoofed it over to her.
Mama popped the cork off the bottle and took a generous swig of the wine. She’d have to thank that Carnegie Porter fellow later. It’d been a long time since she last tasted cactus fruit. The cactus used in winemaking had been dying out up in the mountains for some time now. She licked her lips, relishing the sweet syrupy texture. Mama offered up the bottle to Pepe. The green one shook his head and sat down on the floor beside Mama’s rocking chair. She raised an eyebrow but said nothing of it.
Pepe was an odd llama.
“Mama.” Pepe finally said, shocking the elder. She didn’t know that he even knew her name.
“I-I-I- ACK!” Pepe seemingly choked on his own words; and his voice, which had been so composed and normal, reverted back to its original cracked tone, “y u no work, voice?!”
“Pepe, sweetie, are you tryna talk normal?” Mama asked sweetly. She had never really spoken to Pepe before now, but she knew about his troubles with language. He’d been that way ever since he was struck by lightning as a cria.
Pepe nodded and Mama swore she heard a sniffle.
“Pepe, why do you wanna talk normal?”
Pepe shrugged. Mama squinted at the big llama and downed another gulp of cactus wine. Damn the spirits, that was some good stuff.
“Pepe. You can tell me. They don’t call me Mama for nothin’. Come on, spit her out.”
Pepe turned away from Mama but answered in a hushed tone, going unheard from the llamas and ponies working away in the kitchen.
“Forever alone…”
“Forever alone? Don’t say that, hon. I’m sure somellama will find your… problems acceptable.”
Pepe looked at Mama with doubt.
“Wait, what? Do you already like somellama? Lemme guess. Bonita?”
Pepe shook his head.
“Cha Cha?”
He shook his head again.
“Macarena?”
He shook his head a third time.
“Do you… like MALES?”
“NO, nononononono…” Pepe stammered, shaking his head extremely fast.
“So you like… a pony?” Mama asked, peering at the quivering brute sitting on the floor before her. Pepe looked hesitant, but he gave a dejected nod.
“Well what’s stopping you?”
“She- She- GAH!” Once again, Pepe failed to speak normally, and resorted once more to his odd method of communication, “I’m not dank enough to meme…” The male groaned and smacked his head into the side of Mama’s chair. Poncho looked over at them and raised an eyebrow, but went immediately back to ordering around Bronco and the moving ponies.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about with memes and dank and what-say-you,” Mama spoke, using her wise grandmother voice, “but if any llama, or pony for the matter, judges you for how you speak and how you act, well… just trust me. They won’t be worth your time and effort.”
Pepe sat in silence for a few minutes, watching the pegasus struggle to lift a fridge all on his own. Then the green llama beamed up at Mama and she couldn’t help but return the smile.
“So I’m guessing,” Mama said, “that you want to learn how to talk normal so you can ask out this special somepony, am I right or am I right?”
“Too spooky for me.”
“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’. Well, what’s your dam… are female ponies called dams? No… oh yes, mares. What’s your mare’s name?” Mama asked, sipping on her cactus wine.
“Pin-Pinkie. Pinkie-Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie.”
“Very good. How about we go into another room? I’ll teach you a thing or two about talking normal.”
Later that evening, Mama and Pepe were standing together outside of Sugarcube Corner.
Mama looked confident. Although that may have been because of all the wine she had guzzled earlier. Pepe looked like he was going to faint, his face pale and his knees quaking uncontrollably.
“Go on,” Mama ushered, pushing Pepe towards the door, “go ask her.”
Pepe gulped but stood stock-still. A trickle of sweat made its way down his temple, and he let out a nervous cough.
“Alright, alright,” Mama snapped, irritably, “let’s go over your lines. What will you say when you see her?”
“Send noodz?”
“Wrong! Again.”
“G G no re?”
“Nope. AGAIN.”
“P-P-Pinkie Pieee… would… you… I herd u liek mudkipz.”
“NO! Come on, you big doof. You almost had it! Try again.”
Pepe grinned sheepishly, but cleared his throat. And, for the first time since his earliest years as a cria, he spoke.
“Pinkie Pie. Would you like to go out sometime?”
Both Mama and Pepe gasped and looked to each other incredulously.
“Pepe,” the elder breathed, “that was perfect!”
“Like deez nuts. Ha! Got eem.”
“That wasn’t so perfect. But I’ll let it slide. Now go go go!” She began to push Pepe through the door into the bakery. There at the counter was a pink mare with a very poofy mane that Mama assumed was Pinkie Pie. Pinkie opened her mouth to excitedly greet her customers, but Mama interrupted her.
“Hello, darling. You must be Pinkie Pie. Pepe’s told me so much about you! Well, he came here to ask you something, so I’ll pop outside for a minute or two.” With that, Mama slipped back outside the door and slammed it closed. The elder smashed her ear into the door, listening closely.
“Heya Pepe! What was it you wanted to ask me?”
“P-P-Pinkie…”
Yes! Mama thought to herself, silently cheering on the green llama. So far so good… keep it up…
“Pie.”
Got her name. Now ask her out!
“W-W-Would you…”
Mama held her breath, her eyes widening. He was going to ask. But wait! Mama was suddenly wracked with worry. What if he somehow screwed up? What if his affliction kicked in and he made a fool of himself?! Poor llama… Mama knew she should stayed inside with him.
“Like to…”
Now Mama was cheering him on once again. He was so close! Just a few more words!
“G-Go… out…”
The elderly dam was tugging at her banana-shaped ear in worry. He was going to screw up. She knew it. Mama could see it now. Pepe would walk out of that door, his poor little heart broken. And it would be all her fault! None of the herd would ever trust her again!
“...sometime?”
Mama felt her heart stop. She coughed and smacked a hoof into her chest. Her heart kicked back into action once again, and Mama let out a sigh of relief. So far so good. Now it was time for Pinkie’s response.
“Go out? On a date?” Pinkie bubbled in excitement. Oh no! Mama felt her heartbeat quicken and her throat tighten in fear. She and Pepe hadn’t practiced for a counter-question!
“Wow. Such date. So scare. Plz.”
Mama face-hoofed. Pepe had messed up! Now the mare was never going to… than her heard the mare beginning to giggle.
Pinkie Pie let out a snort and suddenly burst into incredibly obnoxious laughter. Mama dared to crack open the door and peek in, and she was the mare rolling around on the ground. She was laughing at him! The nerve!
“Oh Pepe,” Pinkie finally said, panting as she pulled herself up off the ground, “you’re so funny. A date would be super! What time were you thinking? I work on weekdays and I spend some time with my friends on weekends. You know, saving Equestria, defeating evil ghostie goos, and fun stuff like that. Maybe sometime at night. When I’m not busy. Oh no, are you available at night? Do you work with your bossy leader stallion Poncho or what’s his name?”
Mama felt her head spinning. By the spirits, that mare was talkative. Mama decided that she’d better sneak off. Before she got a migraine.
Pepe was doing well enough on his own.