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// Picard the Mouse Needs Therapy 
// Story: Unfortunate Things Happen To Unfortunate Animals In Equestria 
// by Super Trampoline 
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"Say, Twilight," Fluttershy asked, "Whatever happened to those mice you transformed before our first Grand Galloping Gala together in order to evoke certain fairy tale tropes?"

"Oh, Fluttershy, do I ever have a tale to tell you. Or should I say 'tail'?"

"Hahaha!" Fluttershy said, not getting the joke because tale and tail sound the same. "Please tell me the story."

"Alright, I will do so. It is a tragic story, so I cannot relate it all at once; that would be too much tragedy at once. Rather, I will relate the story of only one mouse, Picard. This is his sad, sad tale."









Picard was a mouse who lived outside Ponyville. He had six beautiful daughters: Pepe, Georgia, Antonette, Werwer, Shannon, and Chatty. He loves them very much, and prided himself on being able to protect them. His wife had unfortunately died in a tragic Golden Eagle accident last year, but it was okay, he could move on, darn it.



One day in fall, when Picard was gathering dead crickets to help his family through the winter, he noticed a pony approaching him. He quickly identified her as "Yellow Butter". She was a nice pony and unlike the other actually could talk to him. She asked if he wanted to do her a favor. He said he was game. He liked helping others. Oh Picard, if only you hadn't been so kind. You might still be alive today. Is that a spoiler? Not really, considering that none of this actually exists. Do you or I even exist? If not, how did this writing get here? Of course, what is "here" an imaginary point of existence on the internet.

Anyway, Picard agreed, and Yellow Butter said, "Perfect! Now I have four! Would you kindly just climb into my hair, please?" Picard did as he was asked, and found himself in her luxurious hair alongside his friend, rival, and secret lover, respectively: John, Jacob, and Jingleheimer Smith.

Tragedy struck for Picard though. Upon being loosed from her hair, the mouse was struck by a new sensation. Like the one INXS sang about. That's pronounced "In Excess", by the way. I've copied the song here for your enjoyment:



That sensation was in fact that of being struck by a strange magic. Strange Magic is another excellent song. I'll also post it here. Did you know that Electric Light Orchestra holds the record for most songs (20) in the top 40 charts without ever getting a number one single? I bet you didn't know that. Now you are smarter and better educated. You may one day win some money on Jeopardy thanks to me. Anyway, without further ado, here's the song: 

Twilight's magic struck the mouse, and stretched and transformed him in excruciatingly painful and grotesque ways. Soon he was no longer himself, but some sick bastardization, a chimera stuck between being a horse and being a mouse. What horror must have flowed through Picard's now slightly larger mouse brain at the Kafkaesque absurdity of it all. He reared up in fright, assaulted by sensory overload of the cruelest degree, when disaster struck: the evilest of evil, the vilest of vile creatures, a cat appeared. The cat's name was Opalescence, and did I mention it was evil? That cat jumped, seemingly in slow motion to Picard's helpless eyes, upon the flank of his lover Jingleheimer Smith, and sank her sharp claws deep into his flesh. Smith did what any mouse-turned-horse would do: he ran in terror. Picard screamed for him to come back, but it was in vain. Smith never returned.

Picard spent the rest of that hellish day wandering around in fevered delerium, stumbling in his unfamiliar legs and whinnying in his alien tongue. He never did find the one male mouse who could satisfy him when his wife wouldn't. He was gone, forever. To this very day, we know not what happened to him.

When the clock struck midnight, Picard's physical transformation at least reverted. He was a mouse again. He kissed the ground, thankful to be so close to it again. But though his physical trama was over, the emotional scars remained. Picard sought body-dissociation trauma therapy for months, but the damage was just too much to overcome. He got fired from his mouse job after weeks of poor performance. Unable to face the truth and tell his family, he strangled them with Rarity's sewing thread one dark night. He knew what he had to do. It was time to end it.

Picard hitched a ride on the Friendship Express to Canterlot. He scurried his way into the Canterlot Zoo and absconded into the lion exhibit. Steeling himself, he genuflected in front of the head lioness. As the creature scooped him up towards her maw, Picard was at last at peace with the world, and henceforth exited it.









"Wow, that is tragic, Fluttershy said, and then the laugh track played.