“Fluttershy…dearest Fluttershy,” said Twilight calmly. “Why…oh why did you steal Princess Celestia’s precious and probably very important pet?”
“Well…” wheezed Fluttershy, “I could tell you, but…first…could you stop choking me?”
Twilight nodded and got off of Fluttershy, removing her hooves from the pegasus’s neck in the process.
Fluttershy got up off the floor, taking deep breaths as she did so. “I…couldn’t just…leave her there…” she panted. “She needed my help.”
“Your help? Hmm…” said Twilight. “Tell me, do you know what type of bird Philomena is?”
“Um…no…” answered Fluttershy.
“I see.” Twilight nodded. “Then surely you must know what treatment to use for her illness?”
“I tried soup,” said Fluttershy. “That didn’t really work out so well…”
“Interesting,” said Twilight. “So you, without any knowledge about your...‘patient’…or any applicable medical knowledge about her illness, decided simply spirit her away and hope that you could somehow magically cure her, correct?”
“Well, it’s not like I could have just left her there!” shot back Fluttershy.
Twilight stared at her. “Yes, you could have!” she shrieked. “She doesn’t belong to you! What if you hurt her on accident? What if you killed her?” Twilight’s eyes widened and she nervously put her hoof to her mouth. “Oh god, what if you killed her?”
Twilight’s Imagination:
Princess Celestia glared down at Fluttershy, who was cowering in terror. Philomena was lying on a table several feet away from Fluttershy, her eyes closed and her body motionless.
“Fluttershy,” said Princess Celestia. “For the crime of killing my bird, I sentence you to one thousand years in a black hole with no possibility of parole.” Her horn started glowing and she pointed it at Fluttershy.
A golden glow surrounded Fluttershy. “Well tits,” she said before disappearing with a pop.
Celestia turned her gaze to Twilight, who was shivering in fear.
“Twilight Sparkle,” said Princess Celestia, her eyes narrowing. “For allowing this to happen, I sentence you to life as my new pet.” Her horn glowed again and she pointed it at her former student.
There was a cloud of smoke and, when it disappeared, Twilight saw that she was trapped in a large bird cage. “B-but…” she stammered, “But Princess, I-”
“Good pets,” growled Celestia, “Do not speak unless given permission.” She smiled and gestured to the door. “Now, let me introduce my new student…”
The door swung open, revealing Pinkie Pie.
“Hi Twilight!” she said, waving. “I’m in your nightmares!” She turned to Celestia and said, “Let’s have a party!” She threw her hooves up in the air, and white confetti rained down from the ceiling.
“Wow!” said Celestia. “Where’d all this confetti come from?”
“Oh,” laughed Pinkie. “I shredded all of the books in Twilight’s library. She won’t need them anymore. Now let’s party!”
A disco ball came down from the ceiling and Celestia and Pinkie started to dance. Twilight, who was watching in horror, opened her mouth and let out a long scream…
Reality:
Twilight choked as water splashed onto her face. “Wh-what?!” she yelled. “What’s happening?”
Fluttershy put down the empty bucket she was holding and looked at Twilight with concern. “You started screaming and yelling about confetti,” she explained, “Then you passed out for a few minutes.”
“Oh thank god…” said Twilight. She stood up and looked at Philomena, who was breathing heavily on one of Fluttershy’s tables. “Look,” she said, “You’ve got to return the Princess’s pet. Right now!”
“Ok, ok,” said Fluttershy. “You’re right. Clearly I don’t know how to make Philomena better. I’ll return her and give the Princess my apologies.”
“Right. Apologies.” Twilight nodded, before her eyes widened in horror. “You can’t let the Princess know you stole her pet!” she shrieked. “She can never know! She’ll never forgive me! I mean, you! She’ll never forgive you!” She ran to Fluttershy’s closet.
“Um…what are you-?” asked Fluttershy.
“Found it!” said Twilight. She pulled a large basket out of the closet and ran back to Fluttershy. Along the way, she grabbed Philomena by the neck, not paying attention to the bird’s indignant squawk. She set the basket onto Fluttershy’s back, took the lid off of it, and stuffed Philomena inside. “Perfect!” she said happily, as she put the lid back onto the basket. “Now, follow me!” She ran for the front door and pulled it open.
The two royal guards stood in front of her. One was holding an open scroll.
“Good evening sir or madam…” read Depressed Guard.
“Guys,” said Twilight, “It’s me. Twilight Sparkle?”
The two guards stared at her.
Depressed Guard looked back at the scroll. “Good evening sir or madam,” he repeated. “We are here to ask if you have seen the royal pet. She has gone missing and we are getting forced to look for her.”
“WE ARE GETTING OVERTIME FOR THIS!” yelled Gung-Ho Guard.
“No we’re not,” replied Depressed Guard.
“DAMN IT!” yelled Gung-Ho Guard.
“Oh no!” gasped Twilight. She looked back at Fluttershy. “Well, we certainly don’t have her, do we?”
“Yes we do,” replied Fluttershy. At Twilight’s panicked glare, Fluttershy added, “I mean, no we do not?”
Twilight gave the two guards an extremely forced smile. “See? We haven’t seen the royal pet anywhere around here.”
“TOLD YOU,” said Gung-Ho Guard. “TWILIGHT’S USELESS.”
“Um…hurtful…” said Twilight.
“You know what’s useless?” asked Depressed Guard. “Our own meaningless lives. Sometimes I wish I would just die in my sleep, you know?”
Everyone stared at him in horror.
“Jesus Christ, dude,” said Gung-Ho Guard. He put a hoof on his comrade’s shoulder. “Let’s go grab a drink and talk about it, ok?”
“Ok…” muttered Depressed Guard. He allowed himself to be led away by his fellow guard.
Twilight shut the door and turned back to Fluttershy.
“That was sad,” observed Fluttershy.
“Yes it was,” agreed Twilight. She shook her head. “But we can’t focus on that now! We can’t just return Philomena now that the Princess knows she’s missing!”
Fluttershy set the basket on her back down. “What if you help me get her feeling better? That way the Princess will understand why we took her.”
Twilight nodded. “Good idea. She can’t be mad if the bird’s feeling better…” She walked towards the basket and opened it. “Do you have any pills she could take?”
“Twilight, don’t say ‘pills’!” warned Fluttershy. “She had a bad experience with one earlier!”
Philomena leapt into the air with a shriek and dove at Twilight. Twilight screamed and ran around the house, the angry bird pecking her head as she did so.
“Why is she only attacking me?!” yelled Twilight as she ran.
“I don’t know,” said Fluttershy, standing to the side and watching the mayhem. “Maybe she just doesn’t like you? You did shove her into a basket after all.”
Philomena squawked angrily at Twilight and dove out the open window.
“Philomena!” yelled Fluttershy, running to the front door. She opened it and chased after the fleeing bird. “Come back!”
Twilight woozily walked out of the house. “I’m coming…” she said. She took a step and fell onto her side. “…Eventually…”
Eventually:
“Wow,” said Fluttershy, screeching to a halt, “That sure was one wacky chase scene that happened just now. And now here we are, in the middle of Ponyville, trying to catch Philomena.”
“Why are you saying all that?” panted Twilight as she plopped to the ground beside Fluttershy. “I already know where we are and what we’ve been doing. It’s like you’re talking to some invisible audience or something.” She paused. “…Why do I hear Pinkie laughing?”
The two of them turned around to see Applejack, Pinkie, Rainbow, and Rarity walking towards them.
“Were the two of you just racing?” asked Rainbow. She smiled at Fluttershy. “Good hustle, Fluttershy! I knew you could win!” She looked at Twilight. “…Maybe it’s time for you to join a gym, Tubby.”
“Shut up, Rainbow,” said Twilight, getting back up. “Have any of you heard?”
“Heard what?” asked Rarity.
“About the bird!” said Twilight.
Pinkie smiled and began singing, “A-well-a everybody’s heard about the bird-”
Applejack quickly covered Pinkie’s mouth. “Please don’t sing that, Sugarcube. It took me weeks to get it out of mah head the last time.”
Fluttershy looked up. “B-b-b-bird, bird, bird!” she shouted as she pointed upwards.
Everyone looked to where she was pointing. Philomena, who was almost completely featherless, was perched on top of a statue. Her last feather fell off and she choked. Grabbing her throat, she fell off the statue.
“PHILOMENA!” shrieked Fluttershy. She ran forward and dove with her arms outstretched.
Philomena suddenly burst into flames as she fell, burning to a crisp.
Fluttershy’s lower lip quivered as Philomena’s ashes fell into her hooves.
“Wow,” said Rainbow. “What were the odds of that happening?”
“About 14,723 to 1,” said Twilight.
“…Really?” asked Rarity. “How did you know that?”
“My mind automatically starts doing math whenever something horrible happens,” explained Twilight. “It’s a coping mechanism.”
“And this was stressful?” asked Applejack.
“Considering that pile of ash was Princess Celestia’s pet bird,” said Twilight, “I would say that this was very stressful. Would you like to know what the odds are that Fluttershy and I will survive whatever Celestia will punish us with? About 12,300,322,499 to 1.”
“Are…are you ok?” asked Pinkie.
Twilight’s eye twitched. “3.141592653589…” she droned.
Princess Celestia walked out of Sugarcube Corner with Ms. Cake. “No, I’m serious, Cup!” she said. “Stallions can vote and run businesses on their own now. It’s been that way since-” She noticed everyone standing around. “Hey everyone!” she greeted, walking over to the group. “What’s going-”
“…626433832…” continued Twilight.
Celestia looked worriedly at Twilight and then turned to address everyone else. “Ok…what happened?”
“Your bird burst into flames,” supplied Rainbow Dash.
“Rainbow!” hissed Applejack.
“Well, it did!” said Rainbow.
Fluttershy sniffled as she approached the princess. “I’m so sorry, your Highness…I just saw your bird looking sick and you left her all alone in Sugarcube Corner, so I took her and tried to make her better, but…but…but…” She started sobbing.
“Oh, is that all?” asked Celestia. She breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness. I thought she ran off again.” She chuckled. “You know, the last time she did that, she ended up at some school for wizards. They totally thought she was a boy! They kept calling her Fawkes and-”
“Um, Princess?” interrupted Fluttershy. “You’re…not upset with me?”
“Upset?” asked Celestia. “This happens every hundred years or so. Nothing to cry about.”
“Your pets burst into flames every hundred years?” asked Applejack.
“Jesus,” said Rainbow, “Have you thought about getting a pet rock or something?”
Celestia walked over to the pile of ashes that used to be Philomena. “Hey,” she said, nudging it with her hoof, “Wake up already.”
Red and gold wings suddenly burst out of the ashes. They flapped once, blowing the ash away and revealing a bright, majestic looking bird. She flew in the air, flames trailing behind her.
“Philomena’s alive?” asked Fluttershy.
“Pythagorean Theorem states that-” droned Twilight. Pinkie elbowed her in the side. “Ow!” she cried. “What the fuck are you-” She noticed Philomena flying around. “…Buh?” she asked intelligently.
“Philomena’s a phoenix, Fluttershy,” explained Celestia. She held out her arm and Philomena landed on it. “Whenever she bites it, she sheds all her feathers and bursts into flames. Then she’s reborn in her own ashes…which is a little morbid when you stop to think about it…” She shook her head and glared at Philomena. “It looks like Philomena’s been playing a joke on you this whole time, Fluttershy. Can you forgive-”
“Shh!” shushed Fluttershy, who was scribbling something down on a piece of paper. “Let’s see…loses feathers…bursts into flame…reborn in ashes…” She squealed happily. “This will be perfect to add to my journals about all the different animals in the world!” She walked over to Philomena and said, “I’d like to ask you a few questions. What do you eat? What’s your wingspan? Boxers or briefs? Do you lay eggs? Are there boy phoenixes? Do you have parents?”
Philomena looked helplessly at Celestia.
“Don’t look at me,” said the princess. “I told you over and over again to burn up before the party, but you said no. And you can consider this your punishment for making everyone worry. Honestly,” Celestia rolled her eyes, “Where did you learn to be so dramatic?”
1100 Years Ago:
Philomena was roused from her slumber when Luna burst into the bedroom.
“Celestia!” she yelled. “You need to get up and rule!”
“But Luuunaaaa,” whined Celestia, who was hidden underneath the blankets on her bed, “My throat feels funny…you rule instead…”
Luna sighed and used her magic to pull Celestia out of bed. “You are not faking sick again! You wanted to be the ruler of Equestria, and you are going to do it!”
Celestia kicked her legs fruitlessly. “But I don’t want to!”
Philomena watched as her owner was carried out of the bedroom. Sighing to herself, she shut her eyes and went back to sleep.
Now:
“Wait,” said Twilight. She walked up to Celestia as Fluttershy continued to ask Philomena questions. “So…we’re not in trouble?”
“No!” said Celestia. “Fluttershy was just trying to help Philomena, and you were helping Fluttershy. Right?”
“Right!” said Twilight, laughing nervously. “It definitely wasn’t so you wouldn’t replace me with Pinkie, if that’s what you’re thinking!”
“Ooh, I don’t think so,” said Pinkie. She looked at her sides. “I don’t think I’d look good with wings…”
“What?” asked Twilight.
“Nothing!” said Pinkie happily.
“Speaking of replacements,” said Celestia, “I wonder how Luna’s doing back in Canterlot?”
Back in Canterlot:
Fancypants walked into the throne room, wearing a fashionable looking suit. “Your Majesty,” he said, bowing, “I’ve come to-”
“Heeey, it’s Fancy!” slurred Luna as she leaned back in the throne. Various empty bottles surrounded her and she took a deep drink of the one she was holding. “How’s your hammer hangin’?”
“Uh…fine?” replied Fancypants. “But I actually wanted to tell you that-”
“You know what?” asked Luna. “I wanna see for myself. From this moment on, you are no longer allowed to wear pants. It’ll be funny! You’ll be Fancypants…minus the pants! I’m a genius!”
“Walk around without pants?” asked Fancypants. He looked down at his freshly pressed pants. “I haven’t done that since college…” He smiled and shrugged. “Oh well, you’re the Princess!”
Luna watched as Fancypants removed his trousers. “I love this job…” she muttered, taking another drink.