//------------------------------//
// Party with the Princess 
// Story: MLP: FML 
// by Maniac92 
//------------------------------//

Fluttershy set a tiny wheelchair on the living room floor. She gently picked up a mouse with a cast on its leg and set it in the wheelchair.

“There you go, Ralph,” Fluttershy said. “I hope this teaches you a thing or two about motorcycles.”

“Yeah,” squeaked Ralph, “Helmets are for pussies!”

“N-no, Ralph,” said Fluttershy. “That helmet was the only reason you survived the crash.”

“You don’t know nothin’!” yelled Ralph. He wheeled himself into the mouse hole in the wall. Fluttershy heard something crash. “Oh god, my head!” yelled Ralph from inside the hole.

“Told you so,” said Fluttershy smugly.

Someone loudly cleared their throat.

Fluttershy turned to see Angel tapping his foot behind her. He pointed at the watch he was carrying and then pointed towards the door.

Fluttershy stared at him. “Angel, you know I hate charades.”

Angel sighed and smacked his face with his paw. He hopped over to an end table and picked up the book that was lying on it. He hopped back over to Fluttershy and opened the book, crossed his eyes, stuck out his tongue, and pretended to read.

“Twilight Sparkle,” said Fluttershy.

Angel nodded. He pointed at the book and then at the watch.

“Twilight…” muttered Fluttershy, thinking it over. “Late…Late…Twilight…the late Twilight Sparkle?” She gasped and grabbed the sides of her head. “Oh my god, Twilight’s dead?!”

Angel stared at Fluttershy with a dumbfounded expression on his face. He took a calming breath. Then he grabbed Fluttershy by the neck and dragged her over to the window. Slamming her face against it, Angel pointed a paw towards Ponyville’s clock tower.

“12 o’clock?” asked Fluttershy. She gasped and pulled her face away from the window, making Angel fall to the floor. “I’m late for the brunch for Princess Celestia!”

From the floor, Angel rolled his eyes in a mocking manner.

“I’m late!” muttered Fluttershy, pacing. “Maybe I just shouldn’t go…but that would be rude…but does Princess Celestia even know who I am, really? Would she even care if I wasn’t there? Twilight would care…and she’d freak out if I wasn’t there. And when Twilight freaks out…” Fluttershy shuddered. “I better get going. If I hurry, I won’t be too late.” She suddenly gasped. “But what if I got the date wrong?! What if it’s tomorrow?! What do you think, An…gel?

Fluttershy noticed that she had somehow moved to the front door, which was open. Looking down, she saw that Angel had picked her up and was carrying her over his head. With a grunt, Angel tossed Fluttershy out of the house and slammed the door shut.

“That was a little rude,” said Fluttershy, as she got up off the front lawn. “I should have a talk with Angel about-”

She heard the front door’s lock click.

“…Or maybe I could just go to the brunch,” continued Fluttershy. She turned and headed down the path leading into Ponyville.

Meanwhile:

Outside of Sugarcube Corner, two royal guards were standing watch over the entrance.

…Or trying to, at least.

“Look,” said Rainbow Dash, leaning against one of the guards, “I’m not saying your guys’ job isn't hard, I’m just saying that the Wonderbolts might have it tougher.”

“AND I’M SAYING,” replied Gung-Ho Guard, “IS THAT WE ARE MUCH BETTER IN EMERGENCIES! THE WONDERBOLTS WOULD GET TRAPPED IN A WATER TOWER OR SOMETHING!”

“Didn’t you guys get zapped by Nightmare Moon in, like, two seconds?” asked Rainbow.

“She’s right…” muttered Depressed Guard. “God…we’re pathetic…”

“Don’t be like that,” said Rainbow, patting Depressed Guard on his shoulder. “You guys make great cannon-fodder.”

“YES!” cheered Gung-Ho Guard. “CANNON-FODDER!”

“That means we die almost immediately in a combat situation,” said Depressed Guard.

“DAMN IT!” hollered Gung-Ho Guard.

Rainbow Dash patted the two on the shoulders and went inside. A few seconds later, Fluttershy landed in front of the two.

“Whew…made it!” she panted. She walked forward, about to step into the bakery.

The guards’ wings shot out, blocking the entrance.

“HALT, CRIMINAL SCUM!” yelled Gung-Ho Guard. “YOU VIOLATED MY MOTHER!”

“I what?!” asked Fluttershy.

“SORRY. PANICKED,” shouted the guard. “WHO ARE YOU?”

“Nobody! Sorry!” squeaked Fluttershy, alarmed by all the yelling.

Depressed Guard checked the list. “I don’t see a ‘Nobody’ on here…”

“IF YOU AREN’T ON THE LIST, YOU NEED TO LEAVE!” shouted Gung-Ho Guard.

“Guys…” said Twilight, walking out of Sugarcube Corner, “She is on the list. Her name’s Fluttershy.”

“She said her name was Nobody…” said Depressed Guard.

“So?” asked Twilight. “You let Rainbow Dash in when she said ‘Your Mother’.”

“DUH!” yelled Gung-Ho Guard. “I’M NOT ABOUT TO TURN MY OWN MOTHER AWAY!”

“We’re not monsters,” said Depressed Guard.

“No, just idiots…” muttered Twilight. She beckoned Fluttershy to follow her and she walked back inside the bakery.

Fluttershy walked inside and smiled at Twilight, “Thanks for helping me out back there. That was really-”

“Where have you been?!” hissed Twilight. She pointed at the clock. “The brunch was scheduled at 12 P.M. sharp! It’s 12:03 P.M.! You’re three minutes late!” She grabbed a paper bag and started puffing into it.

“T-Twilight…” said Fluttershy. “It’s not that bad…”

“You’re right…you’re right…” said Twilight, lowering the bag. “It’s just that Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria and mover of the goddamn sun, is in the dining area. But it’s no big deal…it’s not like she has the power to banish us all to the sun if she’s offended or anything!” Twilight laughed nervously and continued puffing into her bag.

“If who’s offended?” asked Princess Celestia as she and Rarity walked through the entrance.

“Princess?!” shrieked Twilight. “You’re supposed to be in the dining area!”

“Oh Twilight,” laughed Celestia, “I was never in there. I just had my guards stand watch outside while I waited.”

“Waited?” asked Fluttershy. “For what?”

“To be fashionably late, of course!” said Rarity. She smiled at Celestia. “Five minutes late is the perfect time to show up to a party, don’t you agree Princess?”

Celestia scoffed. “Five? I can do ten easy.”

Rarity laughed and she said, with a hint of challenge in her tone, “I suppose ten is fine…for an amateur. I usually like to show up fifteen minutes late.”

Princess Celestia’s eye twitched. “Twenty. I’ll show up twenty minutes late.”

“I can wait as long as you can,” challenged Rarity.

Celestia huffed. “You wanna take this outside?” She asked, poking Rarity in the chest. “Fine, let’s take this outside!” She and Rarity turned to exit the bakery.

“No, no, no!” yelled Twilight, running in front of them and blocking the entrance. “You two are late enough! You both need to stay!”

“But Twilight…” whined Celestia and Rarity.

Twilight glared at the two of them. The two ponies sighed and turned, walking into the dining area.

“…I think you may want to relax a little,” said Fluttershy.

“I’ll relax when I’m dead,” said Twilight.

Inside the kitchen, Spike was wearing a chef’s hat and an apron. He had a tube of frosting in his hands and a plate of cupcakes next to him. He quickly iced all the cupcakes and rang a bell next to him. “Cupcakes are done, Mrs. Cake!” he called.

Mrs. Cake walked into the kitchen and smiled at Spike. “Fantastic! Thanks for helping out, Spike.” She batted her eyelashes and said, “I do so love a boy who’s good with his icing…” She gave him a wink, picked up the plate, and walked back into the dining area.

“…Was that a compliment or a pick up line?” asked Spike.

“Both!” said Mr. Cake, putting a pie in the oven. “You should consider yourself lucky, son. I know I do! Cup Cake tells me how lucky I am to have her every day! Isn’t she wonderful?”

“Uh…sure…” said Spike. He shook his head. “Shouldn’t we be out where the party is?”

Mr. Cake laughed and patted Spike’s head. “Son, we’re men! Cup always says a man’s place is in the kitchen.” He gasped. “That reminds me, I need to go make her a sandwich! I don’t want to make her unhappy!”

“…Of course not?” said Spike uncertainly.

Out in the dining area, Mrs. Cake laid down the plate of cupcakes down in front of Princess Celestia. “Here you go, your Highness!” she said, bowing and backing away.

“Oh my god…” said Princess Celestia. She picked up a cupcake and stared at it. “They put cake…in cups?!” She laughed and put it down. “Technology these days…”

“Hey, Twilight,” said Fluttershy as they walked to where the Princess was sitting, “If Princess Celestia is here, then who’s ruling things in Canterlot?”

“The Princess said she left Princess Luna in charge,” said Twilight.

Meanwhile, in Canterlot:

“Princess Luna!” cried a Canterlot noble. “My eyes hurt and I don’t know why!”

Luna stared at the stallion. “…Blink.”

The noble blinked. “Hey, I feel better! Thank you, Princess!” He turned and walked out of the throne room.

Luna watched him leave. “Captain Armor…” she began, “How many more subjects are waiting to speak with me?”

The white stallion at the bottom of the throne checked his list. “Around two hundred and fifty, Your Majesty.”

“Please get one of your men to go get me something to drink,” asked Luna. She watched as a squinty-eyed noble stumbled in, his eyeglasses on top of his head. “…Something strong, please. I’m going to need it.”

Back in Ponyville:

“I hope everything goes okay today…” said Twilight. “I don’t want one of our…adventures happening while the Princess is here. Or our friends being...our friends around the Princess.”

“I’m sure it will be fine,” soothed Fluttershy. “Besides, our friends know how to behave themselves. Just look at Rarity!” She pointed to their friend, who was chatting with Celestia. “She’s doing fine.”

Twilight looked at Rarity and chuckled quietly. “Yeah…you’re right, Fluttershy. Sorry for acting like that. I was just worried over nothing.” She strode towards the Princess and Rarity, a confident smile on her face.

“No, I’m not really sure what Blueblood’s penis is like, Miss Rarity,” said Celestia casually.

Twilight’s smile disappeared from her face as she gazed at Rarity in horror.

“Really?” asked Rarity desperately. “What about what he sees in a mare? Is he single? What about fetishes?”

Twilight rushed forward and clapped a hoof over Rarity’s mouth. “Please excuse us, Princess,” she said, a forced smile on her face.

“Of course, Twilight,” said Celestia. She sipped from her tea and grabbed the cupcake again, examining it.

Twilight pulled Rarity away from the table and let her go. “For fuck’s sake, Rarity!” she hissed. “Did you seriously ask Princess Celestia what her nephew’s penis is like?”

Rarity sniffed. “Well,” she said, “If I’m going to woo him at the Gala, I need to know what I’m getting into, don’t I?”

“Rarity,” said Twilight, “You can’t just-” She paused when she heard loud sobbing coming from behind her. “What now?!” she asked as she turned around.

Applejack was sitting by Celestia, crying. “And then they chopped him up into firewood!” she sobbed. She threw her arms around Celestia and buried her face into her shoulder. “Firewood!”

Celestia rubbed Applejack’s back sympathetically. “It’s ok. I’m sure Bloomberg is in a better place now.”

Twilight pointed her horn at Applejack and lifted her up into the air. She tossed Applejack behind her and said to herself, “Ok…no big deal…the others know how to act around royalty. Nothing else will-”

“Hey Princess Celly!” said a familiar voice.

“Oh god, why?!” asked Twilight. She turned around and saw Pinkie sitting on the table in front of Celestia.

“Hello Pinkie,” said Celestia.

“Princess,” said Pinkie seriously. “Do you like seafood?”

Celestia thought for a moment. “…Why, yes. Yes, I do like seafood.”

Pinkie quickly put a cookie in her mouth and chewed it. She opened her mouth and showed Celestia the mushy remains of the cookie. “See?” she asked. “Food!”

The princess chuckled. “That’s nothing,” she said. She held out her hoof. “Pull my hoof.”

Pinkie reached out to yank on Celestia’s hoof, but Twilight quickly ran over and grabbed her. Twilight ran back to where she was standing before and dropped Pinkie to the floor.

“Pinkie!” she hissed. “You can’t just do that seafood joke in front of the Princess!”

“Really?” asked Pinkie. “Why?”

“Partly because it’s disgusting,” said Twilight, “And partly because that joke’s probably older than she is.”

Pinkie shrugged. “In all fairness, she wanted me to do the old “Pull my hoof and I’ll fart” joke.”

“True,” said Twilight, “But she’s the Princess. If she makes a lame, old joke, you’re supposed to laugh and tell her how funny she is.”

“Speaking of funny,” said Pinkie, pointing back to Celestia, “It looks like Rainbow Dash is telling the Princess a funny story.”

Twilight spun around and saw Princess Celestia laughing at something Rainbow Dash had said.

“And then,” said Rainbow, flying in place by Celestia, “Fluttershy and Rarity came by and said that Braeburn and Strongheart got together and Twilight started crying! It was hilarious!”

“Oh…” chuckled Celestia. “She’s always been sensitive about that stuff. I remember when there was a big dance in Canterlot and Twilight was trying to find a date. I remember that she had this big zit and-”

“Rainbow!” said Twilight loudly as she came up and grabbed the pegasus. She pulled Rainbow down to the floor and said, “You look hungry! Do you want some pie?”

“Actually, I had a pretty big breakfast so-” began Rainbow.

“Great! Have some pie!” yelled Twilight. She grabbed a pie off the table and slammed it into Rainbow Dash’s face. “Oh no!” she gasped dramatically. “You’ve got pie everywhere! You better go wash off and not listen to any embarrassing stories or anything like that!” She used her magic to lift Rainbow Dash and toss her away from Celestia, who was still talking.

“Once we finally got the fire extinguished, it still took us three days to get Twilight’s head out of that toilet…” prattled Celestia. She blinked and looked around. “Where’d Rainbow Dash go?”

“Oh you know Rainbow,” laughed Twilight, wiping her hooves clean of pie. “She had to go be fifteen percent hipper or something.” She frantically gestured for Fluttershy to come over. “Have you met Fluttershy yet?”

“Not yet,” said Celestia, smiling at Fluttershy when she approached. “But I’ve heard all about you from Twilight. She says you’re good with animals.”

“I love taking care of animals,” said Fluttershy. “And it really makes me happy to see ponies taking care of and appreciating their pets, you know?”

“I get what you’re saying,” said Celestia. “In fact, I brought my pet with me today!” She gestured to the birdcage beside her.

“…Was…was that here this whole time?” asked Twilight. “Why didn’t we notice that?”

There was a hacking cough from the cage, and an ugly, pink-feathered bird flapped pathetically into view.

“Ah! Philomena!” said Celestia. “You’re finally awake! Say hello to Fluttershy!”

The bird looked at Fluttershy. She opened her beak and moaned, “Kill me…”

Celestia laughed. “Oh, Philomena! You kidder…”

Fluttershy covered her mouth to hide her horrified expression. “I’ve…never seen anything like her…”

“She’s pretty special, alright!” said Celestia happily, oblivious to the tears welling up in Fluttershy’s eyes.

Depressed Guard walked into the room and whispered into Celestia’s ear.

“Really?” asked the Princess. “Now?”

Depressed Guard shrugged helplessly.

Celestia rolled her eyes and got up. “Excuse me guys,” she said to the room, which grew silent, “But I need to go meet with the Mayor. Apparently she has something really ‘important’ to discuss with me.”

The ponies in the room bowed as Celestia strode out of the room.

“Ok,” called Mrs. Cake. “Now that the princess is gone, we’re going back to charging you for what you eat.”

Everyone made a mad dash for the exit.

“Why do they always do that?!” shouted Mrs. Cake. She walked back into the kitchen, not seeing that there was one pony left in the room.

Fluttershy watched Mrs. Cake leave, and then turned her attention back to Philomena. She frowned and got up, moving towards the birdcage.

“Don’t worry,” she said soothingly as she opened the cage. “I won’t let that nasty Princess Celestia ignore you anymore. Let’s get you out of here…”

Meanwhile:

Celestia sighed as she stood in front of the Mayor’s desk. “For the last time, I do not like Manehattan better than Ponyville. I like all of you the same amount.”

The Mayor sniffled as she hid underneath the desk. “No you don’t!” she sobbed. “You’ve always liked the mayor of Manehattan better than me, haven’t you?!”

“Well…” said Celestia with a shrug. “He doesn’t call me into his office to stroke his ego.”

“I KNEW IT!” screamed the Mayor. "YOU DO LIKE HIM MORE!"