//------------------------------// // Chapter I: The Klutz, The Doctor, The Florist, & The Drunk Bastard // Story: Four Ponies & A Time Machine // by SkelePone //------------------------------// “There are really four dimensions, three which we call the three planes of Space, and a fourth, Time.” ― H.G. Wells, The Time Machine * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "Now Derpy, do be careful. You don't want a repeat of LAST time you played with the chemicals." "Sorry, Doc." The pegasus began step away from the beakers and flasks filled with liquids, when her tail brushed against a whole rack of them. A small boom and a puff of colorful smoke told Time Turner that he had been too late in his warning. He waved a hoof, helping to clear the cloud. A grey pegasus mare with a yellow mane and tail sat on her haunches in the center of the rainbow fog, her honey-colored walleyes squinting as she coughed. She smiled sheepishly up at the Doctor. Time Turner couldn't help but chuckle at the silly pegasus. He straightened his green tie and white collar. Time Turner brushed a hoof through his spiky mane. "I just don't know what went wrong!" She said, giggling. "Yeah, it's a real mystery." A snide voice said. Having just entered the room, a pale yellow Earth pony mare with a red and pink mane looked at the pegasus, now covered in chemicals, with a look of displeasure. It morphed quickly into a bright smile when Time Turner came to greet her. He had not been expecting more guests that evening. From her dust-corner of Time Turner's lab, Derpy frowned and began to sweep up the chemicals, dumping them into red waste bins. "Ah! Roseluck! How delightful! Please, sit down, make yourself at home!" He gestured towards the couch, covered in a large black blanket. "Awww, thanks, Turner!" Roseluck cooed, giving the Doctor half-lidded eyes. She trotted over to the couch, still gazing seductively at Time Turner. The black blanket let out a belch and movement could be seen from within it. Time Turner scowled, having a sudden change in disposition. He greatly disliked what he knew would come next. "Then again, don't sit," Time Turner grumbled, directing his voice to the lump in the blankets, "I forgot my irresponsible roommate, Carnegie Porter was sleeping on the couch rather than in his own bed." The snoring lump grunted. A stallion revealed himself, poking his head from the covers. His coat was a lighter shade of brown than Time Turner's. His mane was again like Time Turner's but longer and more spiky. His mane was also a deep dark grey, almost black, like ash. This made him seem even more different than the Doctor, who's mane was a dark brown. Carnegie Porter had had the hair clipped from his fetlocks, revealing his hooves, tan and well-kept. His eyes were a deep dark hazel. And they would have been enchanting had they not been bloodshot. The Earth pony stallion was obviously having a hangover of sorts. "Wuzgoinon?" He muttered, before stumbling out of the blanket. He face-planted, smacking into the stone floor. Derpy and Roseluck stifled giggles as he pulled himself unsteadily up to his hooves. They could clearly see his cutie mark. A clear, whitish, glass handled beer stein filled with a foaming amber liquid. It was now clearly obvious what his special talent was. "Good morning, Porter. Or, should I say, good EVENING. It's five o'clock. In the afternoon." "Blimey. Why'd ya let me sleep so late?" "Next time you should warn me before you pass out on the sofa. Now look sharp. We have guests." "Guests? Where?" His bloodshot eyes widened, just noticing the two mares. "Cor blimey! This house is full-a fillies!" Time Turner rolled his blue eyes as Carnegie Porter trotted (or rather, quickly stumbled) over to the fridge by the small kitchen in the corner of the large studio-style workshop. "Let's see if we got these guests any drinks, huh?" He looked over the door, smiling proudly at the mares, giving them a wink. "All hoof-brewed by yours truly! 'Cept the wine. Berry Punch made that for me... She's got a knack for making wine, that Berry Punch does." He pulled out a flask of shining gold liquid, a faded date labelled on the side. Time Turner looked to Roseluck, explaining the drunk's background. "He's a brewer. Makes all sorts of alcohol. Collects it, too. But he's a bit TOO much of an enthusiast, if you know what I mean. But his expertise in alcohol and brewery makes him invaluable to my studies in chemistry, so I let him stay as long as he keeps his half of the rent paid." "I know! Honey mead! Perfect for making acquaintances and making friends!" He poured four glasses, before the Doctor could protest. Porter then shoved a glass into each pony's hooves. Instantly, Carnegie Porter downed his glass in a single gulp. He smacked his lips, grinning at the others. The redness in his eyes had completely vanished, and he suddenly seemed much more vibrant. Like the alcohol had changed him into a different stallion. Almost as if it revitalized him. "Drink up! I think I've aged this up just right!" He smiled, bearing stunningly white teeth for an alcoholic. Drink they did. Roseluck and Derpy downed their glasses, attempting to imitate Porter's bold chugging. They both choked, spitting out much of their alcohol, causing Carnegie Porter to bust into a fit of sniggering. Time Turner merely sipped his, not trusting any alcoholic brews made by his roommate. It did taste rather good though. It had the common bitterness of all alcoholic beverages, but that bitterness was cleverly masked by the sweet taste of honey. Soon enough, the other three were tipsy, while Porter was more stable than he was before. It seemed that the stallion had been revived from his previous state by alcohol, suddenly becoming the life of the small party. "So then there was these other colts, yeah? And they says to me, 'oye, watchadoin lookin over me marefriend?' And I says... wait wait I haven' finished me joke yet!" The girls had already started to giggle at Carnegie Porter's story. "Anyways, and I says, 'gee sorry for lookin' at the fine lass, whatcha think I'm doin' rapin' 'er with me eyes?'" The girls burst out into fits of laughter. Time Turner found Derpy's girlish giggling infectious, and he couldn't help but chortle. "An' then!" Porter leapt up, standing on his hind hooves on the kitchen's bar, "He goes an' decks me right in the gob! I tell ya, I gave that lil' bastard quite the beatin'," -Porter started to punch at the air with his forehooves- "an' then I wen' home wit' his mare, too! True story, brewer's honor!" They lounged around, enjoying Carnegie Porter's many concoctions, telling funny stories. Flirting, laughing, hollering. Then they were drunk. And the Doctor began to ramble. "I have -hic!- an announcement," he yelled, pouring himself another shot of mead, his third one, "I have made a leap that no scientist before myself could have hoped to make." The others looked up merrily at him, raising their glasses. Derpy and Roseluck cheered, from their positions lying on the floor. They too, were quite drunk. "I have made -hic!- a machine, a machine that will carry us, four friends into the unknown, into greatness, into glory..." Carnegie Porter shouted from his seat on the couch, empty beer bottles littered on the floor around him. "Just tell us what ya made already, ya bloody idiot! I hate suspense." "Alright... alright... -hic!- shhhhhh...." Time Turner put a hoof to his mouth. And the two drunken mares and a questionably drunk Porter hushed and leaned in to listen. "I've built a -hic!- time machine." The other three erupted into roars of laughter and fits of giggles. Time Turner protested, bumping his chest to try berid of his awful hiccups. "No no no! I'm serious! I have built a -hic!- machine that I have dubbed the -hic!- TROTIS. Time Revolver Oh something something. -hic!- It's a closed carriage, with all sorts of -hic!- thingamawhatsits inside. But it works! I'm sure of it! 95% sure of it!" Carnegie Porter stopped laughing, suddenly serious. "What about the other 5%?" He slurred, raising a bushy eyebrow. "The machine explodes and the those riding it -hic!- die fiery deaths." "Yeowza." Carnegie whispered, eyes wide. Then he turned to the mares, both half-asleep, but still listening. "LEZZGO RIDE IT!" He hollered, throwing up his hooves energetically. Several bottles, some empty some full, fell from the table before the sofa and smashed onto the floor. Derpy and Roseluck cheered once again and they all galloped towards the various machines, a hiccuping Doctor Time Turner following them closely, not quite sure where he was going. They found it. It was a traditional carriage. Painted deep blue, with large wagon wheels, and gold and white trim. The wagon itself was box-shaped, with an egg sort of capsule resting inside of it. Porter immediately recognized the brand. It was a luxury carriage, one of only a few hundred in all of Equestria. "Ah... Are ya tellin' me you built a time machine outta a DeLoinean?" Carnegie breathed. "The way I see it, if you're gonna build a time machine into a carriage, why not do it with some -hic!- style?" Time Turner replied. The four stepped into the capsule, gazing about in a drunken stupor at the buttons, levers, and knobs. Derpy and Roseluck immediately passed out on the chairs at the back of the capsule. There was plenty of room for the four of them in the clean, bronze and brown interior. Roseluck and Derpy trotted there, getting comfortable. Time Turner was just about to stomp on the controls to activate the machine when Carnegie Porter let out a shout. "Wait!" The others all stopped, turning to him with rapt attention. "Lemme go grab the snacks and some more drinks!" He left and within minutes returned with a large pile of food, from crackers and cheese to apples and pies. He had also brought his entire collection of alcoholic beverages. Beer, wine, gin, bourbon, malt whiskey, mead, cider, ginger ale, vodka, brandy, rum, moonshine, and more. The bottles clinked and clattered as they hit the floor, Carnegie Porter standing above the stash with a crazed grin. "Now we can go!" Without hesitation, the drunk Time Turner slammed his hoof on the "START" button.