Authors note: This story is based on true and very recent events in my life.
I hadn’t left my house for a few day’s. I couldn’t bring myself to do it, to look around and see ponies, a lot of them my friends, knowing that tomorrow they could be gone. I’ve been crying so much this past year that I’m surprised I still can, and I‘m not afraid to admit that. I don‘t give a damn about my masculinity any more. I was home alone, sitting on my couch crying some more when somepony walked into my house. “Hey, are you alright? Nopony’s seen you around for a few days.” I looked over to see Twilight Sparkle standing in my doorway.
“I’m just great. I’m just fan-fucking-tastic, thanks for asking.” I said. I know I was being an ass, but I wasn’t really in the mood to deal with anypony at the moment.
“Hey! There’s no reason to be like that!”
“I… I know, I’m sorry, it’s just that I’ve been going through a lot lately, and I’m kinda losing it.” I said. I was losing it, I was debating with myself the point of going on in a world where someone you care about could be talking to you one day, and dead before the sun rose the next.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, sitting down next to me. I took a deep breath. This was a long story.
“Well, so far, four of those closest to me have died, just this year. Both of my grandmothers, one of them died of a heart attack, the other died of lung cancer and a few other lung diseases. Then there was Jackie, my moms fiancé’s mom. She died of liver cancer, I think. I’m not sure, it was pretty early in the year. And then, apparently just a couple days ago, one of my best friends… He…… He…… hung himself…. I’m sure his funeral’s gonna be coming up soon. Lately I’ve been wondering how many more have to die before fate decides to say “I think this kid‘s been through enough, maybe I should leave him alone for a few years”. I couldn’t take it anymore. I just broke down. I was sobbing uncontrollably, right there in front of Twilight, but I didn’t care. Nothing really mattered to me anymore. But the last thing I expected was for her to hug me. She just kinda put one leg around my shoulder and drew me in close.
“Hey, it’s alright. I understand, you’ve lost a lot of ponies really close to you, but do you think they’d want you to be like this? Shutting yourself away from the outside world?”
“No, no, you’re right. But I’d rather not have an emotional break down in public.” I said with a small laugh. Her words were helping. Not much, but they were helping.
“Well, look, I’m not really good at this kind of stuff, but here goes nothing.” she said, pulling another slight laugh from me. “You shouldn’t just mourn their death, I mean yeah, it’s understandable that you miss them, but you should celebrate their life instead, remember all the good times you had with them. In fact, why don’t you tell me about them?”
“Alright, well, My grandma on my moms side was always nice, really well liked by her neighbors, she even let me, my mom and my brother live with her when we didn’t have anywhere else to go. Of course, me and my brother always drove her crazy, but she still loved us. She would always joke about not being able to wait till we got out of her house….. Ironic thing is…. It was two days after we did…. She just had a heart attack…. In my sisters car… she was gone before they got to the hospital….. It was so sudden that I really didn’t know how to react. I actually didn’t cry until the funeral… seeing her, just laying there… I couldn’t take it. It was a few weeks before I was able to actually find joy in anything. Then Jackie passed away, a few months later. It wasn’t as sudden, she’d been sick for a real long time. I knew she wasn’t gonna make it, but it still hit me hard. She’d always been kind to me and my brother, always managed to make us smile when we were sad… and then she was gone. Just like that. Then, just last month, my grandma on my dads side ended up in the hospital. She was only in there for a few weeks, but it felt like forever. At first, the doctors were saying she had pneumonia, and that she’d be out in a week or two. Then they said that she had some stage of COPD and she’d be out in a month. Then they said that she had small cell lung cancer and end stage COPD, and that she had two weeks to live. Then, a couple days later, she was gone. Only one I actually got a chance to say goodbye to. She was always doing family stuff, had everyone over for Christmas or thanksgiving, and she’d always give me and my brother twenty bits for our birthdays. I always took that for granted. Guess it’s true, you really don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone….”
“Oh wow. All of that, and so suddenly, it must’ve been hard on you.”
“It has been. I actually didn’t think I could cry anymore until just yesterday.”
“What happened yesterday?”
“Well, I walked downstairs, I was going to go for a walk around town, when my mom stopped me, asked the basic questions…. Then she asked if I heard about Liam. I said “no, what happened to him?” expecting just another one of his pot fueled shenanigans…. I couldn’t have been more wrong..”
“Wait… he smoked pot?”
“Well he did. Last time I talked to him he said he was trying to quit, but that was almost a year ago, so I have no idea. He was always so happy…. I didn’t expect him to go out like that…..” I said, tears rolling down my face once again. “He always had a smile on his face, was always laughing…. He’s the last pony you’d expect to commit suicide.”
“He sounds like he was a really good pony, and a better friend.”
“yeah, he could always make someone laugh and be happy, no matter how sad they were….”
“Well he’s not really gone, you know.” she said, pushing me away so that she could see me. “None of them are. They’ll always be with you, here,” she said, pointing to my forehead. I understood that she meant in my memory, “And here.” she said, moving her hoof to my chest, “You’ll always have them in your heart. They may be gone…” she said, obviously expecting me to finish the quote. Which I did.
“But they’re not forgotten. They live on in my memory and the memories of everypony else they’ve known.” I said, causing her to smile.
“That’s right. Now I would stay longer, but I have to get back to the library before Spike sends a search party.”
“That’s alright. I think I’ll go for a walk anyway.” I said, causing her to smile even more. I wasn’t happy. Not by a long shot. But I realized that I wasn’t doing anyone any favors by just sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I wasn’t honoring the memory of those that have passed. So yeah, I’m not happy, and I doubt I will be for a while, but, with a little help from my friends, I can keep on living. In the end, that’s all that matters.