//------------------------------//
// Ch 5: Who Ya Gonna Call? 
// Story: Equestria's Mark 
// by MasterZadok 
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Chapter 5
Who Ya Gonna Call?

	
The most beautiful element of an adventure is how scary it is. I couldn’t imagine having any fun in my life if there were no surprises, no things to go wrong, no choices to screw up. That’s probably why the first time playing through a video game is always the most magical, you don’t know what’s going to happen next. (Sidenote: I’ve played TLOZ: Twilight Princess through 2 ½ times and it’s still pretty magical.) But the point is, life rarely provides you with clear-cut right-or-wrong answers.
To any sane person, that should be terrifying. To me, I just get a stupid grin on my face and picture an image of Bilbo Baggins shouting, ‘I’m going on an adventure!’ whenever life throws me a curve ball.
All that to say, I mistakenly thought I was settling into my new life quite nicely.
Life in Ponyville was an everyday reminder that it was the little things every day that made it really worth living. Even if I didn’t consider them friends right off the bat, everypony was ready and willing to be my next neighborly acquaintance. The summer was hot, but not scalding like the desert back home, there weren’t any alien germs that hit me, and so far, I hadn’t experienced any vitamin deficiencies from my new diet. I even had a job of sorts, tending Sweet Apple Acres, and a little income to call my own. Life was stabilizing, by any typical human’s perspective.
Well, as stable as life in a fairy tale land could be. There were plenty of things that were different. For example, the cows might live on Applejack’s land, but they milked themselves and owned the largest share in the dairy business. Also, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I had the distinct impression that the days were shorter than on Earth. However, with no timepiece of my own, there was no way to be conclusive about this. And last, and most bizarre, were the musical numbers. It was almost impossible to tell when one started, but within moments, a street of complete strangers could be singing and dancing in flawless harmony only to go back to their usual duties once the music stopped. The first time I experienced this phenomena, I didn’t even know anything was happening until I found myself climbing down from a patio table. It was only then that I realized Pinkie Pie was vanishing down the street with Minuette under her foreleg, singing a song that I thought I had come up with myself. Weird.
But that’s a rabbit trail! As I was saying, life was stabilizing. I even had a chance to practice what Granny Smith had taught me a week or so after ‘Applebucking Season’. A certain griffon, swollen with her own sense of superiority and more arrogant than a peacock, came to visit Rainbow Dash. I wisely decided not to intervene, even though nothing gets my blood running quite as hot as the sight of a bully. (And I almost flipped my spit when Gilda made Fluttershy cry.) In the end however, Rainbow Dash still came out of the episode having made the right decision.
I will say, though, that she was a little under the weather (figuratively and literally) for the next few days after that. Apparently, what the episode had neglected to show was the aftermath of Gilda’s visit and how heavily that matter weighed on Rainbow’s heart. I didn’t know much about Rainbow Dash’s history with Gilda, but I knew that the pegasus wasn’t a pony who built her fabled loyalty carelessly. After mentioning my concerns to Applejack, the honorable earth pony and I decided to spend more time with our friend.
And that’s just what we were doing on that fateful day.
“You’ll get it! Just watch closely, y’all!” With a flourish of her blond mane, Applejack swung back the length of rope in her mouth, paused for a breathless instant and released all her energy in one swift motion. Her lasso cut through the air like a swallow, closing the distance to its target. With a flick of her neck, the orange mare pulled the knot closed like a bear trap, clamping down on a low-hanging apple and deftly plucking it from its tree. The fruit fell into Applejack’s waiting mouth. “Shee? It’sh aww in da tim-ming.” She muttered around her prize.
Rainbow Dash and I looked at each other with wide eyes and long faces.
“Oh, yeah. It makes perfect sense now.” I rolled my eyes. Rainbow Dash giggled behind her hoof.
“Aw, come on, Mark! Just give it a try, an’ I promise I won’t laugh.” Applejack encouraged. The three of us were sitting just outside of a restaurant in downtown Ponyville, digesting our recent meals and enjoying some merciful cloud cover outside.
“Alright, deal.” I took the rope and balanced it in my hand. “Prepare ta witness ‘Pecos Mark’! Nimbles’t rope this side o’ the Cascades!” I swung the line over my head, trying to mimic Buggs Bunny or even While-E Coyote. Unfortunately, even though my childhood cartoons usually taught me useful things like classical music and ‘don’t play with guns’, they couldn’t teach me how to throw a lasso. With as much flourish as a flaccid rubber chicken, I threw the rope.
It wobbled in the air like a drunk flying saucer before collapsing to the ground like a pile of seaweed.
“That’s… uh… Mighty impressive, Pecos Mark.” Applejack almost broke her face trying not to laugh. Rainbow Dash didn’t even try to keep it in,
“Hahaha! Maybe if you used your mouth instead! Haha!” The cyan pegasus fell out of the sky, cradling her splitting sides. I tried a couple more times, each throw getting closer to a nearby apple tree, but not nearly reaching the targets therein.
“What? You think you can do better?” I cocked an eyebrow at the laughing pile of hooves and feathers.
“Is that a challenge!?” She quickly righted herself.
“Show me what you got!” I handed her the lasso.
“She probably ain’t never seen a rope ‘fore she came to Ponyville.” Applejack taunted.
“That’s because we pegasi do things differently.” RD bit the end of the rope and grinned mischievously, “Watch and be jelous!” She hovered off the ground, dangling the loop of rope below her. As AJ and I watched, the pegasus flew up to the nearest tree branch and began trying to fish for an apple.
“Oh, now would you look at that.” I nodded in mock somberness.
“Eyeup!” AJ did the same.
“She looks like one of those claw games at the arcade.”
“Eyeup!” The orange mare almost snorted with laughter.
“… Stupid…” Rainbow Dash’s cheeks blushed angrily. Her plan wasn’t going very well. Not only were all the branches getting in her way, but there was no way for her to open the lasso once she got it to the fruit. The best part, however, was that her pride wouldn’t let her back down.
“And she’s just about as effective, too.” I continued nodding.
“Eyeup…” Applejack squinted her eyes, her shoulders shaking with silent laughter.
“Somehow, I don’t feel green yet. You green yet?” I looked down at my friend. She had buried her face in her hat and a muffled, gasping laughter was coming from her.
“N-nnope!”
“Darn it!” Rainbow Dash was losing a fight with an inanimate object.
“Hey, Rainbow?” I called out, “It was truly a game of whit worthy of Holmes and Moriarty, but I think the tree’s outsmarted you…”
“There!” With a final jolt, the pegasus pulled on her rope. There was a loud snap and an entire branch broke off the trunk, dangling beneath Rainbow Dash.
“Mighty impressive, Rainbow.” Applejack kept her hat over her mouth as she grinned. “Now if only that branch had apples in it.”
“What!? Augh!” The pegasus dropped the tree branch like a fisherman discarding a boot.
“You’ll forgive us if we just stick to the classic methods of apple harvesting.” I snickered while retrieving the lasso.
“Hmph! Well, I might not be able to harvest apples, but bet you can’t harvest rainbows like I can!” Rainbow Dash huffed angrily.
“Whoa, there, missy…” Applejack finally straightened her hat back on her head. “This was never meant to poke fun of who can and can’t do somethin’.”
“Right. Ease up, Rainbow. It’s just a good laugh.” I explained. “Otherwise, we’d be here all day running circles with ‘anything-you-can-do-I-can-do-better’ nonsense.”
“Sure. For example, I’m never going to know what it’s like to sleep on a cloud.” Applejack mused.
“And I’m never going to know what it’s like to fly.” I said.
“Yeah, so a flying competition would be pretty pointless.” Rainbow Dash admitted.
“We’ve all got our special talents.” Applejack said decidedly. “An’ that’s what makes friendship special.” (Out of habit, I checked my mental files to see if this dialogue was a part of an episode. It seemed rather moral-heavy for casual conversation, but I found nothing.) I just muttered,
“Make sure you remember that next time you’re doing an Iron Pony competition…”
“So, Mark, what do you do?” Rainbow Dash perked up, suddenly curious.
“Huh?”
“Earth ponies got their muscle, pegasi got their wings and weather, and unicorns got their magic,”
“…It’s a little more complex than that, Rainbow…” AJ mumbled.
“So what do humans have?” The cyan pegasus looked at me expectantly. I just shrugged. This was something that had been sitting at the back of my mind, too. In fingered the lasso as I thought.
“Well, that’s really the question, isn’t it? Humans aren’t built to be the strongest, they’re built to be the tallest. They’re not designed for a wide range of environments, but they seem to do well enough anywhere. No claws, no fangs, no poison, no tail, and no fur to speak of. No wings and no magic, either. But I can’t downplay them too much…” I began swinging the rope in lazy circles. “Because they seem to be very good at one thing. An elusive thing, but powerful nonetheless…” I swung my arm forward and released the rope.
It wobbled loosely up into the tree until I snapped it tight with a flick of my wrist. The lasso shrunk, missing the apple I had been aiming for, but closing around the branch it was on. The tree spit out leaves like a confetti cannon as I pulled the rope back. The apple was squeezed off the tree like ketchup out of a packet and rolled towards my foot. I stepped on it victoriously and smiled,
“We can adapt to anything.”
“… Still not as cool as flying…” Rainbow Dash glowered at the apple.
It was about that time that all three of us noticed that everypony passing by on the streets was walking in the same direction. They were all headed towards the town hall and chattering excitedly to each other.
“Is somethin’ going on?” Applejack asked.
“Looks like they’re all headed for the center of town.” Rainbow Dash lifted herself above the rooftops for a better look.
“A gathering, maybe?” I asked. “A meeting? Potluck?”
“Mark, you just ate!” AJ snorted.
“A salad. I’m still hungry.”
“Come on! Let’s see what’s up!” Dash dashed down the street while AJ and I followed on foot.
A crowd of ponies was gathering in the center of town like a mob of black Friday shoppers outside Wall Mart. They were all whispering and directed their attention to an inconspicuous wagon parked there. Applejack, Rainbow Dash and I made our way to the front of the crowd and waited.
Realization dawned on me like a nuclear bomb on the horizon, and it left me tingling like one, too. I didn’t need to see the posters on the side of the little wagon, didn’t need to eavesdrop on the excited whispering around me, and didn’t even need to smell the nearby tubes of fireworks to know what was going on. Even before the sky above us mysteriously darkened like a theater and the commanding voice boomed out over the crowd, I knew,
“COME ONE, COME ALL! COME AND WITNESS THE AMAZING MAGIC OF THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!!”
The little cart tumbled open like a transformer, converting into a broad stage complete with fanfare and dark blue curtains. Fireworks sprouted on mechanical arms and vomited light and fire into the sky. The crowd ooh’d right on cue.
In the midst of the stage, stepping out of a cloud of smoke as if she were waltzing out of thin air was Trixie Lulamoon in all her attention-commanding glory. Her deep purple cape rippled subtly as her gleaming eyes swept over her audience and a light smile played on her lips. Suddenly, and without a hair out of place, she reared back and her voice sounded through the air like thunder, (probably with the aid of magic)
“WATCH IN AWE AS THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE PERFORMS THE MOST SPECTACULAR FEATS OF MAGIC EVER WITNESSED BY PONY EYES!” A fresh burst of fireworks rose behind her like a tidal wave, wreathing the unicorn’s body in glittering sheets of light. From where I stood, the smoke and fire looked like wings.
“My, my, my! What boasting!” A flowery voice quipped from beside me. I hadn’t even noticed that Rarity, Spike and Twilight Sparkle had come up behind me.
Trixie flowed seamlessly on from her introduction. With a flourish of her cape, she bowed to the audience, only to have dozens of doves rise up from under the crowd’s hooves in the next instant. Surprised and excited, everypony began applauding. Next, Trixie caught one on the birds on her foreleg and without even the slightest hint of magic, caused it to vanish, replaced by a bouquet of flowers. The applause grew.
“Come on,” Spike grunted, standing angrily in front of the stage, “nopony’s as magical as Twi-” He suddenly realized Rarity was looking at him. The little dragon’s words faltered and he dashed off, muttering something about a mustache.
“There’s nothing wrong with being talented, is there?” Twilight Sparkle asked cautiously. I smiled slyly, half listening to my friends and half watching the magic act. Trixie cuddled the flowers and they evaporated into a shower of pure-white petals.
“Nothin’ at all,” Applejack’s brow furrowed, “’cep’n when someone goes around showin’ it off like a school filly with fancy new ribbons.”
“Guys!” I shushed, “It’s just an act. Why not just enjoy the show?”
“But she’s going about it all wrong, darling.” Rarity lifted her nose. “Just become one has the ability to perform lots of magic does not make one better than the rest of us.”
“Especially when ya got me around being better than the rest of us.” Everyone glanced at Rainbow Dash disapprovingly and she deflated a little. Now that I think of it, she was probably still stinging from the whole ‘apple fishing’ thing. She quickly collected herself, “Eh, I mean, yeah, uh, magic shmagic. Boo!”
It doesn’t matter if she meant for it to or not, Rainbow Dash’s voice carried just far enough to interrupt the show. Trixie froze halfway through releasing a frog from inside an egg. With as much poise as an icicle and as steadily as a glacier, she locked her eyes on Rainbow Dash and sighed,
“Well, well, well,” Half her mouth lifted in a grim smile, “it seems we have some neighsayers in the audience! Who is so ignorant as to challenge the magical ability of the Great and Powerful Trixie? Do they not know that they’re in the presence of the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria?” Her delivery was spot-on, moving from chilly and haunting, to confident as a mountain. And the way her voice rose in strength without a hint of doubt, I almost found myself believing her self-assurance to be well-founded. Almost.
Rarity wasn’t buying it, though,
“Pshaw! Just who does she think she is?”
“Yeah!” Spike popped up again, “Since we all know that Twilight here is-”
“Spike! Shhh!” Twilight tried to quietly scold the little dragon. I wanted to listen to their conversation, but the purple unicorn quietly pushed Spike to the back of the crowd to talk. I knew it was good dialogue, though. This was one of Twilight’s best episodes, in my opinion.
Trixie stomped her hoof and a wave of sparklers washed above the crowd, threatening to singe the tops of their ears. Her challenge was issued, her eyes still locked on Rainbow Dash. Of course, the pegasus wasn’t backing down,
“So, ‘Great and Powerful Trixie’, what makes you think you’re so awesome, anyway?” Rainbow leapt right up onto Trixie’s stage and hovered there, staring accusingly. Unflinching, the blue unicorn lowered her voice,
“Heh. Why, only the Great and Powerful Trixie has magic strong enough to vanquish the dreaded… URSA MAJOR!!” She reared up on her hind hooves and splayed her cape. A neon light engulfed her for a moment before rising into the darkening sky and exploding into a canvas of simmering threads of light. The boom of fireworks coincided with the moment the light took the shape of a giant bear, making the image sound like it was roaring.
“Now that’s a little better than the show.” I smiled to myself. The audience was enjoying it, too, gasping breathlessly. Somewhere in the distance, I thought I heard the grating voice of Snips say something.
“When all hope was lost, the ponies of Hoofington had no one to turn to,” Trixie narrated with all the confidence of a Morgan Freeman Visa commercial. “but the Great and Powerful Trixie stepped in, and with her awesome magic, vanquished the ursa major and sent it back to its cave… deep within the Everfree Forest!” The twisting neon lights above the stage played out just as she said, with a lone unicorn wizard standing between the jaws of the monster and the ponies of the audience. With a radiant beam of light, the ‘ursa major’ shattered and the spell was released, exploding and raining glitter upon the crowd.
Thunderous applause ensued.
“That settles it.” Somepony on the other side of the stage declared. I had a sinking feeling I knew who it was.
“Trixie truly is the most talented, the most magical, the most awesome unicorn in Ponyville!” A sleepy-voiced yellow unicorn declared.
“No,” His short blue friend corrected, “in all of Equestria!”
Coming from anypony else, those words might have been high praise, but Snails and Snips? Their voices were just so darn annoying! I just let the issue roll off my back. If they wanted to jump to foolish, uneducated conclusions, that was their right. They may be idiots for it, but it really didn’t matter to me if they were wrong or not. I simply smiled inside.
Spike, however, still had his hackles up,
“How do you know? You didn’t see it! And besides, Twi-” The little guy couldn’t keep his mouth zipped, so Twilight did it for him. “Mmph! M-mmph!”
“It’s true, my enthusiastic little admirers.” Trixie looked down at Snips and Snails with a mixture of pity and pride. “Trixie is most certainly the best in Ponyville!” She paused just long enough for the crowd to digest her declaration, turning it from a boast into a challenge, “Don’t believe the Great and Powerful Trixie?... Heh heh. Well, then, I hereby challenge you, Ponyvillians; anything you can do, I can do better!” She smirked, “Any takers? Anyone?... Hm? Or is Trixie destined to be the greatest equine who has ever lived!?”
She posed and the stage lit up with radiant white light, making the blue unicorn appear larger than life above her stage. Her prideful words were slithering their way into everypony’s ears. Some recoiled nervously, some waited cautiously to see what would happen next, and others felt a competitive fire ignite in their bellies. Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Spike were definitely members of the third group. Very much so, Spike,
“Plu-hu-hu-hease! She’s unbearable!” He begged at Twilight’s hooves. “Ya gotta show her! Ya just gotta!”
“Cheese and rice, Spike, calm down.” I looked down reassuringly at him. “It’s just an act, after all. Let Trixie have her fun.”
“But if Twilight just used-”
“There’s no way I’m going to use my magic now, Spike.” Twilight Sparkle whispered, embarrassment plastered on her face. “Especially since-”
“Hmm… How about you!” Perhaps we should have been a little more discreet. Spike’s whimpering and Twilight’s nervous glances attracted the attention of glory-thirsty Trixie like seagulls to a plate of French fries. Twilight froze like a deer in the headlights; an apt description since a half-dozen stage lights turned their bright gaze on the purple unicorn.
“Well, how about it? Hm? Is there anything you can do that the Great and Powerful Trixie can’t?”
“I… I…” Twilight stuttered.
“… Can single-hoofedly stop a changeling army?” I pursed my lips and thought to myself. “Can repair a dam while the river’s still flowing through it?” Or how about, “Can stop an ursa minor without a single violent spell”?
“Well, little hayseed?” Trixie’s attention, and her stage lights, whirled around on Applejack. The earth pony had a scowl as hard and cold as iron. When the country mare put her hoof down, I could feel the shock wave in my feet,
“That’s it! I can’t stand for no more of this!” Applejack nabbed her rope and leapt up onto the stage.
“You show her, AJ!” Spike cheered.
“Can your magical powers do this?” With no further ado, the earth pony jumped right into her award-winning rodeo dance. Flicking her tail with strength and expert timing, she transformed her lasso into a hemp halo, expanding it and bringing it to orbit around her. She skipped through it while the crowd cheered. As a final flourish, she sent her rope shooting through the air and into a nearby apple tree. Of course, when it came back, the lasso had a single glassy apple firmly in its clutches.
“Top that, missy!” Applejack curtsied with both pairs of legs confidently. The crowd cheered for the Prized Pony of Ponyville, but Trixie was far from impressed.
“Oh ye of little talent. Watch and be amazed at the magic of Trixie!” She doffed her giant blue hat and let her horn shine with pale magic light. Her own personal rope erupted from a jar beside the stage, rising into the air like ivy vines, twisting and writhing in a hypnotizing weave that was barely comprehensible. Applejack took one nervous step back… right into Trixie’s waiting snare. Before the earth pony’s hat even hit the ground, AJ was tumbled, twisted and trussed up like a turkey.
“It seems I can lasso more than just apples.” Trixie sneered. The crowd blossomed into laughter, smiles, and hearty cheers. I don’t even think the blue unicorn knew how punny her own joke was. “Once again, the Great and Powerful Trixie prevails.”
The fire in Rainbow Dash’s belly couldn’t be contained any longer,
“There’s no need to go struttin’ around and showin’ off like that!” The cyan pegasus came within mere inches of Trixie’s muzzle.
“Oh?” The unicorn invited her next challenger.
“That’s my job!” Rainbow Dash puffed her chest out as if she were impersonating Black ★ Star. (Ohmygosh! I just got the best idea for a crossover!)
As fast as thought, the pegasus lanced up into the cloud-freckled sky and pierced a couple small cumulus. I laughed and shook my head, hating how much I was loving this show. On the one hand, my friends were being humiliated, but on the other, it was all in good fun. They were the ones who accepted Trixie’s challenge, after all.
I can’t go into too much detail for Rainbow Dash’s trick, mostly because I’m not entirely sure how it worked. Something about creating a wake behind her, dragging along pure water droplets and then shattering them into a fine mist on the back of her wings. Whatever the case, she proved that you don’t need a ‘pegasus device’ to produce a fine little rainbow. She stood, proudly wreathed in an arch of distilled sunlight.
“They don’t call me ‘Rainbow’ and ‘Dash’ for nothing’!” She fawned.
The crowd was thoroughly enjoying themselves. Almost enough so that a flash of jealousy passed over Trixie’s face. She quickly brushed it away,
“When Trixie is through, the only thing they’ll call you is ‘loser’!” The air around Rainbow dash bent, causing her rainbow to change shape. A miniature tornado sprung up around the pegasus and her water droplets, seizing her in a windy grip before hurling her off the stage and planting her firmly in the dirt. Eventually, Rainbow Dash’s body stopped spinning, but her eyes continued to twirl like a pinwheel for a minute or so and she almost lost her lunch.
“Seems like anypony with a dash of good sense would think twice before tussling with the Great Trixie.” For a little sendoff, Trixie conjured a churning storm cell above Rainbow Dash and dropped a simmering lightning bolt on her flank.
“Ow!” Dashie’s voice could go pretty high sometimes, but never rubber-ducky-high like that. Everypony laughed like they were supposed to, and even though hearing my friend squeal was hilarious, I kept myself from joining them.
“Ok, the lightning bolt was a little unnecessary.” I shot a hard glance at Trixie. She was wearing a self-satisfied grin and her chest swelled just a little bit more.
“What we need is another unicorn to challenge her.” Spike explained, “Someone with some magic of her own.”
“Yeah! A unicorn to show this unicorn who’s boss.” Rainbow Dash was still rubbing her flank.
“A real unicorn-to-unicorn tussle.” Applejack agreed.
“Epic. Like Gandalf versus Sauromon epic. Or Obi wan versus Anakin epic. Or even Goku versus Vegeta!” I chimed in. The greatest rivalry in the history of the show was about to be born, (if the amount of fan art between the two ponies is any indication) and even though they technically wouldn’t go horn-to-horn until ‘Magic Duel’, I could feel my brony’s heart beginning to beat faster. In fact, I was getting so into the moment that I almost forgot that Rarity was also a candidate.
“Enough! Enough all of you. I take your hint, but Rarity is above such nonsense.” The porcelain-white unicorn sniffed and held her chin aloft to emphasize the point. She hadn’t enjoyed one moment of this show since it began and now her irritation had come to a head. “Dash and Applejack may behave like ruffians, but Rarity conducts herself with beauty and grace.”
“Mark has a question.” I raised my hand tentatively. “Mark wants to know if Rarity knows that Rarity’s talking in the third person too. Mark wonders if Trixie’s style of speech is contagious.”
“Oooo, what’s the matter?” The showpony leveled her eyes and her stage lights on Rarity. “Afraid you’ll get a hair out of place in that rat’s next you call a mane?”
Trixie knew how to get under a pony’s skin, but Rarity never had thick skin to begin with.
“Oh… It. Is. On!” The white unicorn lowered her eyelids in the same way a bull lowers its horns. “You may think you’re tough with all of your so-called powers, but there’s more to magic than your brutish ways. A unicorn needs to be more than just muscle. A unicorn… needs to have style!”
So that’s how a unicorn preaching poise and self-discipline could be suckered into Trixie’s show. Rarity saw magic as an art, as inspiration incarnate, as nothing short of the manifestation of the beauty of one’s soul. To see a unicorn like Trixie not only waste that gift on parlor tricks, but to abuse it in the name of self-glory was to see a pony smear the very thing that Rarity took pride in.
She caught up Trixie’s stage curtains in her magic aura and put all her craft and skill into this one moment. The fabric rent, stretched and fused in a whirling display that could only be described as the lovechild of a hurricane and a transmutation spell. When she finished, her flank was draped in a brand new dress.
“A unicorn is not a unicorn without grace and beauty.” Rarity posed and used those stage lights to her advantage.
Trixie looked down her muzzle at the dress, and then looked up to the gaping hole where her curtains had been, then back to Rarity. Her lips didn’t even curl into their usual, confident, grin as she prepared her counter spell. She had called Rarity’s mane a rat’s nest, and now everypony else would too. There was a flash of light and a sulphuric smell.
“Quick! I need a mirror! Get me a mirror!” So much for composure. Rarity fell into a frenzy, “What did she do to my hair? I know she did something terrible to my hair!”
“Nothing.”
“It’s fine…”
“It’s gorgeous.”
“She… breathed new life into it?” Quite literally. I don’t know where Trixie got the rats, but I didn’t remember those from the show.
“It’s green.” Spike’s mouth fell open.
“Ugh! No! Green hair! Not green hair!” Exeunt Rarity, stage left, “Such an awful, awful color!” The white unicorn dashed through the crowd, wailing like an ambulance and unintentionally insulting a small percentage of the ponies there. The rest of us were left staring after her, wondering how the color could be more dismaying than the fact that her slimy mane literally had a family of vermin living in it.
My previous excitement must have been wearing out, because I didn’t find Rarity’s predicament entertaining at all.
“Well, Twilight, guess it’s up to you.” Spike gestured at the stage. “Come on. Show her what you’re made of.”
I surreptitiously watched the hushed conversation with bated breath. This exchange, right here, showed me how great of a show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic really was.
“What do you mean? I’m nothing special.” Twilight shrunk down with her ears folded back against her head.
“Yes, you are! You’re better than her!”
“I’m not better than anyone.”
Trixie’s ears, however, were as sharp as razors,
“Ha! You think you’re better than the Great and Powerful Trixie? You think you have more magical talent? Well, come on, show Trixie what you’ve got! Show us all!”
“Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” I kept my mouth tightly shut. Everything made sense now. Trixie’s special show was designed to be interrupted; it was designed to draw in unsuspecting members of the audience, it was designed to poke fun at others and challenge them only to trap them in the magician’s malicious game. It made for a brilliant hook for the audience and kept the performance fresh, but at the cost of numerous pony’s dignity.
Even I finally felt a twinge of competitiveness pluck at my heart. I wanted to challenge Trixie to a piano performance, or a game of cat-in-the-cradle, or even a thumb war, anything to prove that her power was limited and she should be more humble. But, with a slow, controlled sigh, I reminded myself that I would be playing right into the magician’s hooves. No, the only right answer to this kind of boasting was the one Twilight gave, and I couldn’t have been more proud of her. (Not to mention that Trixie would probably make the piano eat me if I went through with it.)
“Who, me? I’m just your run-of-the-mill citizen of Ponyville. No powerful magic here. I, uh… I think I hear my laundry calling. Sorry, gotta go.” And before anyone could even ask what laundry the little nudist could possibly be referring to, Twilight Sparkle turned and galloped away through the crowd, leaving Spike staring after her. The little dragon looked shocked and more than a little betrayed.
“Twilight…?”
“Ha! Once again, the Great and Powerful Trixie has proven herself to be the most amazing unicorn in all of Equestria!” She let her cape billow behind her and returned her hat to her head. With a coy smile at the audience, she chuckled, “Huh! Was there ever any doubt?”
“Yeahhh… I’m done.” The show had finally lost its appeal and I could only take so much Trixie in one sitting. She was a lot of fun as a mildly-antagonistic character, but I’d leave her to her audience and her legion of internet fans for the time being. Besides, there was a certain little pony that I had to congratulate. I left the stage behind me as I turned and made my way out of the crowd.
The expression on my face was soft and content as I sauntered into the Golden Oak Library. At first, Twilight Sparkle didn’t even notice my arrival. The purple pony was trotting alongside her bookshelves, perusing the numerous items in her collection and snatching up random literature in her magic. A gentle smile of satisfaction tugged at the corners of my mouth as I watched her work.
That moment back at Trixie’s show was nothing short of magical to me. It was my second ‘brony’ moment, the one when I finally believed this show was something more than just a ‘kid’s show’. All my life, I’d been raised on a steady diet of stereotypes and character archetypes. They seemed to run through every show like a thread runs through every bead on a necklace, to the point where almost every ‘kid’s show’ is boring and predictable because nothing. Ever. changes. The ‘anything-you-can-do-I-can-do-better’ scenario was a prime example; any lesser show would have had the protagonist accept the challenger’s taunt and the rest of the episode would be devoted to endless one-upmanship. Finally, the episode would only reach a conclusion when both competitors, having brought ruin, (or near-ruin) to themselves and everyone around them, would be forced to agree to a truce.
But MLP:FIM dared to be different. It dared to ask why adults couldn’t enjoy a good show as well. It dared to ask why kids had to settle for mediocre story telling. (Ironic that Disney himself asked those same questions so long ago and had revolutionized the world of entertainment.) And now this little pony, a talking purple unicorn in a fairy land designed for little girls, had done something more human and more real than a thousand ‘lesser’ stories: she had dared to walk away from the braggart.
I laughed to myself under my breath, but even that little gesture was enough to break the silence. Twilight turned around, surprised,
“Oh, hi, Mark. I didn’t hear you come in.”
“No horseshoes, remember?”
“Oh, right. Well, was there something you wanted?” She quickly put her selected books on a low table.
“Actually, yes.” I stepped forward. “I wanted to tell you how proud I was for what you did just now. You did the right thing by not stooping to Trixie’s level.”
“Well, that’s nice of you to say, but I don’t know if really was the right thing.” Twilight groaned and looked back at her books.
“I mean it. Humility is the mark of a true master. That’s what master Shifu said, anyways.” I stopped over by a large white checklist set up on an easel; probably her list of spells from earlier in the episode. “And if you don’t mind me saying so, you have a lot to be proud of.”
“Oh… You saw that.” Twilight Sparkle came up beside me and looked at the list, momentarily forgetting that I couldn’t read a single word of it. “Twenty-five secondary schools of magic…”
“And counting.” I reminded her.
“But that doesn’t make me too different, does it?” The pony looked up at me nervously. I shot a confused glance down towards her. Then I remembered. Here I was, going on about Twilight’s maturity and humility when that was the last thing on her mind right now. She was worried about being seen as a braggart herself. (Still good points towards her character, but from a different angle.)
“Seriously? You’re asking me?”
“Huh?” She blinked.
“One, I’m a human. I’m very different. Two, what’s wrong with being different? Where I’m from, finding what makes you special is how you learn to love yourself. That is, if Disney’s taught me anything. And Pixar, now that I think of it. Oh, yeah, they’re one and the same now…”
“I just don’t want my magic or lack of magic to get in the way of my friendship with the others.” Twilight fretted. I put my hand on her shoulder.
“Now, what kind of a shallow friendship is that?” I smiled softly. “What kind of a friendship only looks at you skin-deep? Isn’t there a saying, ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’?”
“I befriended you, didn’t I?” She said pointedly.
“Touché. The point is, your friends have gone beyond the cover. They’ve opened your pages and they like what they’ve found.”
“But what if they don’t like certain chapters?” The unicorn looked worried again.
“Would you rather they didn’t read at all? Isn’t the magic of friendship the ability to finally share your story with someone else? To finally combine tales and write your future adventures together with them?”
“Hold on. You lost me there.”
“I’m just saying, is it really friendship if you don’t let anyone further in?” As if I had any right to talk! I held the deepest, darkest secrets of anypony on the planet and I had the audacity to lecture the Princess of Friendship herself on friendship? Not to mention, I don’t think I’ve ever let someone get close enough to really and truly befriend me. Back on Earth, I was an idealist, in love with the idea of friendship, but unable to live it for myself.
“That’s what has me worried. You saw how they reacted to Trixie. They didn’t like her magic.”
“No, they didn’t like how she was using it. Small or great, it’s our choices, Twilight, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” Twilight Sparkle and Dumbledore would probably make an awesome team.
“Perhaps. Thanks, Mark.” The unicorn trotted back to her books. She called over her shoulder, “But Trixie’s magic was still pretty impressive.”
“Prestidigitation.” I waved my hand, smiling at the fact that I was finally able to use that word. “An illusion. Back home, we would call such parlor entertainment ‘sleight-of-hand’, but that’s obviously not the case here. Granted, it was very entertaining at first. Did you notice how her hat covered her horn for the first half of the show? I’m certain she was trying to hide her horn’s light so she could cast spells without anypony knowing.”
“But later, she took it off because she wanted the audience to see clearly when she was humiliating Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity.” Twilight agreed.
“Precisely!” I hovered over Twilight Sparkle’s shoulder. She was flipping through a grey book with illustrations of unicorns and diagrams of magic graphs. “What’s that?”
“I’m trying to clarify the difference between a summoning spell and a conjuring spell. You know, to understand her act.”
“Like when she made the flowers appear versus when she formed the lightning cell?”
“That’s exactly right. Do you know a lot about magic, Mark?”
“I’ve seen Chris Angel’s stuff on TV, but I don’t think that’s what you mean.”
“Huh?”
“Prestidigitation, sure, but not what you’re talking about. There isn’t any magic where I come from.”
Even from behind her, I could see that twilightsparkle.exe had encountered a problem. Her ears twitched backwards as if to catch what I said again. Her head turned ever so slightly, stopped, and then fixed me in her confused gaze. Her eyes were as glazed as a computer’s blue screen.
“What did you say?”
“Well, there’s the magic of nostalgia, the magic of art, the magic of being with family... I’m pretty convinced that music is magic, too, judging by the way it sends eargasms running down my spine. But if you’re talking about telekinesis? Force fields? Curses? Enchantments? Any paranormal effects on the physical world?” I shook my head. “They simply don’t exist where I’m from.”
“That wouldn’t work.” She shook her head. “Magic is in everything. No, and if that were the case, then you wouldn’t know about those things. You’ve already given yourself away, Mark.” My face remained stoic.
“They’re all reserved to the realm of fiction. If I know anything about magic, it’s only the myths and legends I’ve read in fairy tales and… (My Little Pony)… other stories…”
“Your land has no magic?” Comprehension came slowly to little computer-for-brains.
“As a wasteland has no water.” I nodded.
“Coming to a place like this must have been quite a shock.” The unicorn gestured around her. “Everything has magic. The celestial realm is turned by it, the weather is guided by it, even the earth pulses with it. How can your home live without it? Equestria should be really bizarre to you, but you seem to have adjusted pretty well.”
I frowned thoughtfully. She made a good point, so why was I so comfortable here?
“Just because magic doesn’t exist, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.” My explanation fell flat on its face, judging by the way Twilight scrunched up her muzzle. “Dragons are a prime example. There is no creature or family of creatures that remotely resembles the great drakes where I’m from, but if you ask any child on the street what a dragon is, they could tell you. Magic exists in the minds of everyone, even if not in the physical world.
Of course, most people leave it at that. They say magic belongs to the realm of childhood fantasies and has no place in a logical, physics-driven society like my own. However, I make it a point to live every day knowing in my heart that I don’t know everything. Perhaps it’s that little bit of flexibility to the reality I live in that helps me adapt. Helps me see the world as a living, changing thing. And helps give a little bit of credibility, a little bit of ‘what if?’ to every work of fiction.”
I looked at Twilight earnestly, but I don’t think my words were making any sense. I simply said, “Perhaps, deep down, I always knew magic was real… just locked away somewhere. And there are a few humans like myself, who know that the world they can see isn’t all there is, that there’s something veiled just behind the curtain.”
“… So… You really know nothing about magic?”
I shook my head. We stared at each other for a minute. She continued to study my face as if trying to decipher if I was teasing her or not, but I didn’t back down. Suddenly, her face broke into a mellow grin,
“Then, would you like to learn?”
“Abso-posi-tivi-friggin-lutely!” The width of my grin could have shamed a jack-o-lantern. She smiled back.
“So, what do you already know?”
“Umm… Abra Cadabra, Expecto Patronum, Din’s fire, You Shallnot Pass, and Thoron.”
“Was any part of that serious?”
“Not really, no.”
“Ok…” Twilight searched the air above her head as if organizing a constellation of imaginary flash cards. “This sure takes me back. I can hardly remember when I was in magic kindergarten.”
“Well, let’s start with something even more basic than that,” I offered, sitting on the edge of a table, “What is magic?”
“Well, magic, by classical definitions, is the projection of a caster’s will upon their environment.” I nodded, turning that over in my head. It was a pretty vague definition.
“And how is that different from technology?” I thought back to Earth. “There are a lot of inventions that can grant handy, powerful, even frightening, abilities to their wielder. What makes magic different?”
“Magic is an ethereal force, bridging the realm of the mind with the realm of the physical world.” Twilight paced the floor as she settled into her lecture voice.
“And a unicorn’s horn is that bridge?”
“That part of my lesson isn’t until magic middle school.” The pony waved a dismissive hoof. “It is for this reason, that magic is commonly seen as a projection of one’s inspiration. You’ll notice that most unicorns who never actually attended school only seem to use their magic as it is tailored to their own special talents such as singing or baking. Funny, I was just talking with Spike about this topic this morning.”
“Funny coincidence…” I rolled my eyes. Their gaze eventually rested on Twilight’s list of spells. “So, when you said you had mastered 25 spells,”
“No. 25 types of magic.” The unicorn corrected. “Over 25 magic professions, from tailor, to barber, to musician, there isn’t one yet I haven’t been able to comprehend. Spike especially loves barber.”
“That’s a rare gift…” I smiled knowingly at the little prodigy. Instead of taking it as a compliment, she immediately retreated behind her mental barrier. The episode wasn’t over and she had yet to learn the difference between accepting praise graciously and simple bragging. I changed the subject,
“Is magic physics-based? Like, lifting a golf ball close to you would be easier than lifting one a hundred feet away?
“Well, that really depends on the school of magic and what algorithm you’re using…”
“Do you have a limited amount of magic strength, like MP, or is it like the ‘force’ where the only limit is your own comprehension?”
“Again, it depends. Magic obviously wears out the user, but it’s not a physical exhaustion and a difficult spell can be made easier simply by practice and technique… And by what algorithm you’re using.”
“What’s easier to lift, a pound of lead or a pound of feathers?”
“Ha! Trick question! They’re both a pound!” Twilight Sparkle jabbed a hoof at me, smiling. But then, she began to split hairs again, “However, a wind spell could lift the feathers but couldn’t lift the lead.”
I chuckled, but my voice became strangely grave when a thought struck me. It was bizarre, alien, even insane that I was thinking this, but the words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them,
“Could a human learn magic?”
“Oh! Now there’s a good question.” The unicorn searched the air above her again. “Just because you grew up in a place without magic wouldn’t keep you from learning it now, but there’s also your physiology to take into account… I wonder…”
“Like, could an earth pony use magic if they had the proper training?” I leaned forward, my eyes filling with hope.
“You know, Mark, I really don’t know. We’d have to know more about you as a species. We’d have to find out if you could have used magic all along, but never knew how, or if you’re simply not built for it.”
“I don’t know... It seems to me that a land of eagles would have stumbled upon the secret of flight, even if they had grown up believing they were chickens.” That was a gloomy thought, but it was immediately burned away by the excitement flaring up in my chest. That was Earth, this was Equestria. Twilight said it herself, this land pulsed with magic, so who’s to say I couldn’t coax it out of myself? At the very least, shouldn’t I be able to wield the magic around me? I was shivering with enthusiasm.
“This would be a real breakthrough for your species.” The pony turned back towards her book shelves.
“A breakthrough? Twilight, it would be a dream come true! In the most literal sense of the term!” I walked over to her desk and looked at the pages she had open. “Medicine, technology, religion, (I omitted warfare and pornography) magic would be the key we need to finally spread our wings…” My words drifted into silence. On a personal note, magic would also be the verification of what I had always known and held close to my heart; that the mundane world I grew up in wasn’t all there was.
“Now I’m curious!” Twilight illuminated her horn and slipped a couple new books off of their shelves. As she laid them over top the ones she had already been looking at, my eyes caught a glimpse of a zoology book. There, on the yellow paper, was a crude sketch of an ursa major and an accompanying description. My pupils dilated.
“Not today!” I yelped, whipping my hand forward like a rapier to keep the ursa from being buried. Twilight started and jumped back as if I had thrown a spider at her.
“What’s wrong?” She looked up at me.
“I… Just realized that I had something to finish before the day was out… Back on the farm…” I sucked in my lips like a Discord-ed Applejerk and casually pulled the zoology book out from under the new pile. “You were already in the middle of something, and I don’t want to distract you from that. You finish up what you were doing and we can talk tomorrow.” I even tapped the book to subtly emphasize my point.
“You’re leaving? Now?”
“Don’t get me wrong. I can’t wait to get started! It’s just that now’s a bad time.”
“It doesn’t work like that!” Twilight stomped a hoof as I threw one last grin at her and headed for the door. “You can’t just turn off curiosity!”
“Talk to you later, Twi!” Without turning around, I waved and ducked outside. Once I had safely left the inquisitive unicorn behind me and checked my surroundings to make sure there was nopony within earshot, I clapped my hands together and blew a long sigh,
“So… ‘Boast Busters’, huh? Letsee…” I looked at the panorama of Ponyville around me. “A beautiful display of Twilight’s character. I really liked this episode. But things are about to get pretty hairy around here if Snips and Snails get their way. An ursa rampage. Well, not even a rampage, and not even an ursa major. When you put it that way, it doesn’t sound too dangerous now, does it, Mark?” I chuckled dryly to myself, but it was a hollow sound.
I mentally ran through the major points of the episode as I walked down the street. This evening, a grumpy ursa minor would be lead directly into town like Pooh Bear chasing a honey pot. I remembered plenty of roaring, and one scene where the monster was biting the roof off a house, but aside from that, the only things that got really beat-up were some trees and Trixie’s wagon. Of course, Twilight Sparkle was the one to save the day, first lulling the creature into calm, then pacifying it with a makeshift bottle and finally floating it back to its cave. Nabbed, bagged and tagged.
“But that’s in the show.” I reminded myself. “I’m not exactly in the show, am I?” I attempted to look for plot elements that I might manipulate to make the episode safer or easier, but try as I might, I couldn’t think of any way I could (or should) intervene. Sure, I expected the actual rampage to be scarier than when I watched it behind the safety of a computer screen, but there still shouldn’t be any mass devastation. I thought to myself,
“Perhaps I could try to help make Twilight Sparkle’s job easier, I. E. by asking the cows not to milk themselves before that evening. Or I could learn a lullaby on the flute. I could warn Rainbow Dash not to attack the creature. Perhaps I should stop by Fluttershy’s place and see if she has any tips. Or, I could even empty the water tower now so that it would be easier to levitate later.”
I glanced sideways over to where the city’s large metal container sat above the cottage roofs. All it would take is one solid kick against the water tower’s drain, and the little purple unicorn wouldn’t have to empty it herself.
“The stove is hot.” I muttered, bringing a hand up to my chest and pushing it away Cadence-style. (Don’t laugh, it works for me.) In the end, I came to the conclusion that anything I did would not only make little to no difference, (remember, this is Twilight Sparkle we’re talking about, the girl whose own magic ability is actually greater than her capacity to control it. Kinda like Ichigo from Bleach.) but if anypony found out what I was doing, it would raise a lot of uncomfortable questions. I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of a ‘You knew the ursa was coming?’ or, ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’ or even a, ‘How did you know that would work?’
I didn’t want to deal with those questions. At least, not yet anyway. It was still too early for me to reveal who I really was. Where I had actually come from. What I really knew about this world.
No, the only thing I could do at that point was force myself to relax and wait for night to come. Turns out it was a lot easier said than done. I don’t know what that salad had in it, but it sure felt like butterflies were rising up in my stomach as the sun fell, the air cooled, and the stars winked into existence. I sat on a lush hill, absently fiddling with a strand of grass as I watched and waited to see the greatest magic show Ponyville had ever witnessed.
Perhaps it was also the anticipation of seeing Twilight’s power in action that had me excited. I had an acute malady called ‘insatiable curiosity’, but, without access to Google, my ability to appease my wandering mind had been severely stifled. And the crazy and wonderful possibility of one day being able to use magic for myself sent a shiver of excitement running down my skin. I couldn’t wait to meet with her after this episode.
My daydreaming was suddenly interrupted by a sharp sound, like the crack of lightning, drifting over the valley. I leapt four feet in the air and landed awkwardly on my feet as I peered towards the Everfree forest. There was another crack, and a tall tree fell over, swallowed into the forest by its neighbors. Something was pushing through the vegetation like a buffalo through the plains and, judging by the accompanying bellows, it seemed clear that this episode’s climax had just woke up.
For a moment, I thought I might as well have stayed home and just spent the evening watching Jurassic Park. Snips and Snails came barreling out of the tree line, hollering and yelling frantically. Behind them, the trees were falling like wheat before a thresher, bowled over by a titanic creature. When it finally shed the last canopy of cover, I got my first good look at the ursa minor.
Even at the shoulder, it was taller than most of the two-story buildings of Ponyville. Its smoke-blue hide rippled like a summer night, strewn with stars as if the entire creature was one giant hole in space. Its pillar-like limbs reduced mighty tree trunks to toothpicks and a long kinked tail flowed in the air behind it. But what struck me most were the eyes, set like a pair of orange harvest moons above its sturdy jaws.
When I first heard the creature coming, my immediate reaction was to get closer to the action, but when I actually saw the look on the ursa’s face, I wasn’t so sure that was a good idea. It didn’t look enraged, it looked worse. It looked curious and confused. A weight, like an anchor, began to settle in my stomach, squishing all the butterflies. Something was wrong, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. The way the ursa moved was somehow off.
The yellow and blue shapes of Snails and Snips charged right into the heart of Ponyville and the ursa obediently followed. It swept its massive head back and forth, taking in the sudden change of landscape, its eyes wide and its jaws held at the ready. It growled, a low and threatening noise, as it approached the first street. A new sound hissed through the night and it took me a moment to realize that the creature was sniffing. My breath froze in my lungs as the massive blue shape lumbered up to the first building in Ponyville. The ursa minor paused, growled nervously, and then promptly split the building open like a pack of cookies. Screams filled the night.
I don’t remember the moment I decided to run towards the scene, but when I came to my senses, I was flying over the grass as quickly as my legs could carry me. A cold sweat anointing my forehead and my throat ran dry. Even after seeing the ursa for only a minute, I knew; I had made a grave mistake.
There was only thing that could be more dangerous than a giant bear. And that was a giant baby bear. An adult, you see, has life experience; it knows its place in the world, its territory, its strengths, its limits, and what is or is not a threat to it. A cub, on the other hand, has none of that. Everything this creature was experiencing right now was new to it. It didn’t know if it should fear ponies, ignore them, or attack them. It didn’t know if it was supposed to leave the town alone, pillage it, or raze it. It didn’t know why these odd containers with windows and doors were stocked with grains, vegetables and dairy. To this ursa minor right now, the houses were merely giant jars filled with food. And it was tearing into them like Link in a pottery shop.
On that day, I received a grim reminder: I lived in fear of life’s unpredictability. Granny Smith had cautioned me that there were some times when it was best not to intervene, but that was where I made my mistake. When it comes to pony’s personal problems, there are some things I shouldn’t try to fix. But when it comes to life-and-death situations, I should have intervened immediately. Now it was too late.
I threw more power into my legs as a giant blue paw gutted the inside of a house with one stroke. Ponies and their belongings were sent sprawling onto the street like dice. Most picked themselves up and ran like the wind. Others could only limp away.
“This is my fault!” The thought burned in the back of my mind like a hot coal. “I might have seen this coming! I should have done something about this! I could have warned them!” My mind raced as I approached the destruction. I still had no idea what I would do. I still had no idea what I could do. I was only a human, without strength agility or magic, charging pell-mell towards a giant blue bear. I had no idea if I should run to fetch Twilight Sparkle, coax Trixie to distract the monster, or try and help drag the injured ponies to safety. All I knew was that I had to do something, anything, to limit the damage I had already caused.
By the time I got into town, the ursa had gutted four houses, pulled down a dozen trees, and was in the process of lifting the roof off a shop. I skid to a halt at the head of the street. Smashed stoves and fallen lanterns had lit sporadic fires in the destruction, casting the scene in a cruel twilight. At the far end of the street was the town hall and, as I squinted, the ruins of Trixie’s wagon. So, that ruled out asking the showmare for help.
At that moment, the creature was preoccupied with something on the ground. It was cautiously tapping it with its paw, sliding it over the cobblestones like a cat batting around a jingle ball. I could feel my face grow cold and pale when I heard the shape scream. It was Lily Valley, one of the town’s florists.
My body moved on its own, certainly without consulting my brain first. I snatched up two splintered planks of wood from one of the ruined houses and charged at the ursa. I hollered, loudly clapping my makeshift weapons above my head. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, the ‘Attack on Titan’ theme song began to play. It wasn’t a comforting tune.
“Hey! Hey!” I tried to muster all my puberty into my voice, bellowing as loud as I could. The yellow eyes looked up from the prone pony, locking me in their glowing glare. I hesitated next to the sputtering remains of a shattered lantern. “Over here!”
“Ro-o-o-o-w-l-l-l…” The ursa’s maw appeared in its blue face like a Cheshire cat’s grin.
“That’s right! Over here!” I clapped my debris once more and then paused, waiting to see what the monster would do. Our eyes locked, each trying to read what was going on in the other’s mind.
“G-r-r-r-r-r-r…” The air throbbed with its reply. It slunk forward, temporarily forgetting Lily. At least I could consider that a small victory.
“Come on… That’s right…” My voice lowered, softening, relaxing. I couldn’t attack this thing like Trixie did, that would only tick it off. I had to get it away from town, lure it away from the civilians until Twilight Sparkle could arrive. Suddenly, the impression I had before about Jurassic Park manifested into a half-decent idea. I trust one of my planks through the lantern at my feet and lifted it above me. Burning oil dripped off its saturated wick, but the sight of fire seemed to have the desired effect. The blue bear paused, unsure if it wanted to get closer to the light or farther away.
“That’s right, Blueberry. This way…” I floated the lantern to my left. The eyes followed. I brought it to my right. The giant head turned in suit. Sniffing curiously, the ursa took another step forward, almost crushing Lily Valley as its bulk passed over her like a storm cloud.
It came within paw’s length and reached for me inquisitively.
“Not quite…” I sidestepped the gesture.
“Hmph!” The Blueberry snorted indignantly.
“No, no… I’m not teasing you…” I cooed softly, but my heart was hammering in its cage like a woodpecker breaking out of prison. “Just come this way…”
The creators of Titanfall said they based their gameplay off a grand balance between cat-and-mouse. I loved that game, and played hours of it, but toying with a two-story-tall cat felt completely different in reality than in a game. As I walked backwards down the street, the ursa’s rippling shoulders and twitching lips were a constant reminder that the only reason I wasn’t mincemeat yet was because he didn’t know what I was or what I tasted like. I was on a knife’s edge between being a curiosity, and simply being squashed. I sidestepped another curious paw.
I had made it three quarters of the way back down the street. My plan was to guide it back towards the outskirts of town, ideally bring it over towards the water tower and the dairy farm, but I knew that would be asking a lot. Already, fate wasn’t sure if this would be a good point to end my story or not.
“Hey, Mark! Up here!” A line of rainbow light streaked into the sky behind the ursa’s head.
“Rainbow?”
“Hang on, I’m commin’!”
“Don’t! Don’t you dare attack it! You can’t do anything to it but make it angrier!” I hollered. Unfortunately, my shouting seemed to break the creature out of the lull I had coaxed it into. It growled again.
“Like you’re one to talk!” Rainbow Dash’s voice was laced with concern. “What about you?”
“Just get everypony else to safety! Get them out of the damaged buildings! Get Fluttershy! She’ll know what to-”
Whap!
A paw lanced out of nowhere, striking me across my entire right side and sending me tumbling across the street. It was barely a love tap by ursa standards, but with the way my hearing immediately died and my head grew fuzzy, I didn’t even realize I was sprawled flat on my back until I saw the night sky in front of me. I blinked furiously to clear my head. It was only then that I realized that the stars I saw also had eyes and a nose.
“Gmmph!” A cloud of hot steam washed over me as the ursa got its first proper sniff of a human. My muscles went rigid and my breathing came in shivers. I didn’t know if I should try to run or try and play dead or even if either option would make a difference. I was just a powerless human at the mercy of a colossal cub.
Before the star-strewn bear decided my fate, something in the wind changed. There was a distant ringing sound and a feeling of vertigo rose up in my stomach. At first, I thought the paw had hit me harder than I first thought, but when my head lolled over to see the source of the ringing, I couldn’t mistake the feeling of energy thickening the air. Twilight Sparkle stood only a couple houses behind the ursa, her hooves braced against the stony ground and her horn radiating like the aurora borealis.
Her magic sang through the night, tickling the atmosphere and weaving a ghostly melody. I could feel the pain of the ursa’s blow wash away from my limbs as a deep relaxation entered my ears. The ursa felt it, too, pulling its nose away from me and purring contentedly.
Twilight took a deep breath and flexed her true magic, dipping ever so slightly into her hidden potential. The aura coming off her horn billowed like fire and then ignited into a full-on inferno. Her mane drifted upwards and small rocks around her hooves began to levitate. In the distance, I could hear the squawk of metal being torn apart as the old water tower surrendered its reservoir.
All of Ponyville seemed to bask in static electricity as the purple unicorn leveled her power at the ursa and scooped it off its paws and cradled it in the air. It mumbled uneasily until a giant metal bottle, now filled with fresh hot milk, settled between its paws. With sweat dripping from under her forelocks, Twilight Sparkle began trotting down the road towards the Everfree Forest, holding the ursa minor aloft like some kind of balloon in the Macy’s Day Parade.
I grunted and hauled myself to my feet.
“Mark! Are you ok?” Rainbow Dash landed heavily behind me, her eyes wide with anxiety.
“Grab some clouds and see if you can keep these fires from spreading.” Was all I said. I locked my hollow gaze on the retreating shape of Twilight and stumbled after her, stooping only to snatch up my lantern.
“But where are you going? Are you sure you should be moving? Hey!”
I didn’t hear her. I didn’t even feel the single massive bruise threatening to freeze my right leg. The chill in my heart was far more acute than anything my body could feel. I felt nothing but guilt for the scars Ponyville had endured that night. But for now, all I could do was follow Twilight into the Everfree.
She said nothing as I came up alongside her, her teeth clamped together from the effort of her spell. We walked in silence for over half an hour, with only the constant ringing of her magic to fill the air. I didn’t know if I wanted to apologize to her, if I wanted to show my support, or if I just wanted to see this episode to the end, all I knew was that I needed to be by her side. Occasionally, I dabbed the sweat off her forehead with a handkerchief, but that was the only comfort I could bring her. I cursed my powerlessness for the thousandth time.
It was impossible know how long Snips and Snails had wandered, searching for the ursa’s cave, but it wasn’t too hard to follow their return journey. Split tree trunks, torn up soil and uprooted boulders made a clear path through the forest as if we were tracking a convoy of Abrams tanks.
Finally, our path terminated at a craggy indent at the base of a mountain. There, a large cave was nestled and it was there that Twilight delivered her precious cargo. She levitated the pacified ursa as far into the darkness as she could see before finally settling him down on the cool dirt floor. The ringing stopped and the glow around her horn died.
“Whew!...” She puffed out her cheeks. “That was… interesting…”
“If, by ‘interesting’, you mean ‘disastrous and could have been completely avoided if not for the stupidity of a certain someone’, then yes. It was interesting.”
“It worked out in the end…” Twilight glanced up at me. She laughed nervously, “You look terrible.” I glanced down at her filthy mane, slick with grime and perspiration and gave a weak smile,
“And you looked amazing.” I assured her. “Still think your friends will have trouble accepting your magic talent after that?” A shadow passed over the unicorn’s face,
“Well, we’re about to find out…” She swallowed hard.
“Hey… It’s going to be fine.” I held up my lantern and together we began making our way back to Ponyville.
She continued to breathe heavily even now that her spell was finished and I watched her hooves scuff in the dirt more than once. Twilight held her head up bravely, but I was witnessing one of the first rules of Equestian magic: it comes with a price.
“Are you alright?” I ventured, looking down at her with concern.
“I’ll be fine. I just need to catch my breath.” She explained. I almost guffawed. She had just carried something the size of a monster truck above her head for a half an hour and all she needed was to catch her breath!? Obviously, Equestrian magic wasn’t based on ‘equal exchange’. She continued, “It’s you I’m worried about. It looks like someone petrified your leg.”
It was only then that I realized I was limping.
“It’s nothing.” I grunted.
“But what if you broke something?”
“It’s nothing.” I echoed.
“But-”
“Twilight, I have a question.” I gritted my teeth and swallowed. The unicorn paused and waited. “Would… would it have been easier on you if the water tower was already empty?”
“What?”
“How much more energy did it take to have lift and then empty that reservoir?”
“Well, I guess it took a little more time and effort than if it had been empty, but-”
“Was it hard to coax milk out of those cows since they just milked themselves a couple hours earlier? And what of those smashed buildings? Could we have stopped the ursa earlier if someone knew it was coming?”
“Mark, what’s the point of asking that?” Twilight Sparkle asked pointedly. “Everything turned out all right, but you still don’t look happy.”
“I’m not. I just wish I could have done more…” I whispered, looking back at my friend’s labored breathing. “I just don’t like how helpless I felt. How insignificant. I can’t help thinking that there’s more I could have done to limit tonight’s destruction, but  didn’t. Or couldn’t. Even now, I can’t look at you without thinking how exhausted you look. And if you were to stumble right now, I couldn’t even carry you back home…” My voice cracked and I swallowed around the knot in my throat. “I just can’t stand how weak I am…”
Twilight Sparkle lifted her nose decidedly. She marched forward and nudged me back along our path.
“That’s enough. There’s no point in thinking those things, so you should stop.”
“You don’t get it. I-”
“You’re tired. It’s been a long day. But I saw what you did back on the street, Mark. Lily saw what you did…” She turned to look at me, “You saved her life.”
I remained silent, staring down at the dirt as my lantern lit the surrounding forest. She wanted me to feel proud, wanted me to feel like a hero, but her words rang hollow in my ears. Twilight Sparkle thought I had done the best I could in a, unavoidable situation, but she didn’t know the full story. She didn’t know I could have prevented the whole thing.
“Didn’t a certain someone try and tell me earlier today that it’s our decisions, far more than our abilities, that define who we are, Mark?”
I directed my glare down to my feet.
“Then I’ve made my decision.” I said gravely.
“Huh?”
“I’ve decided that I couldn’t live with myself if you or anypony else got hurt because of me. More than anything else, I’ve decided that I want to be able to protect my friends. And no, I’m not just echoing the mantra of every shounen anime ever. I’ve decided that when the next disaster hits, I’ll be ready for it.” I locked eyes with Twilight Sparkle, my face filled with a cocktail of uncertainty, imploring, and determination. “I want to learn magic.”
“Hold on.” She cautioned, “You’re getting ahead of yourself. We don’t even know if humans can use magic, remember?”
“That’s… almost irrelevant.”
“Almost?”
“I said I wanted to learn magic. Even if I can’t use it myself, I want to know its laws and its workings, its advantages, and its price. Just like this whole world, there’s so much I don’t know, and it’s not enough for me to exist in Equestria for the rest of my life,” I waved my lantern at the surrounding forest for emphasis, “I need to live here. And to do that, I need to learn all I can. Fauna, flora, astronomy, geography, history, government, medicine science, technology… magic. When the next thing hits, I want to be ready.”
Twilight Sparkle didn’t hide her apprehension. My behavior worried her, the way I was blaming myself for something that clearly wasn’t my fault. However, the more she thought about my proposition, the wider her eyes grew until they were as starry as the hide of an ursa.
“Well, Mark, you’ve come to the right pony.” She beamed. “As it so happens, I have a library!”
“And I just remembered that I can’t read!” Three cheers for feeling sorry for myself!
It was ironic that Twilight’s letter for that day’s episode was about loving your friends for who they were and accepting them despite their strengths or shortcomings. Yet, there I was feeling that I myself wasn’t nearly good enough. That I wasn't a worthy friend because I wasn't strong enough. However, my case had more to do with using my talents for the benefit of my friends and less like being a showoff, so I decided that this lesson didn't apply to me.
For starters, I came to the conclusion that I would need to spend some serious time forcing myself to recall as much as I knew about My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Characters, episodes, monsters, turning points, iconic moments, hard times, character development, even timeline, if at all possible. I had a massive task ahead of me, and my recall was, at best, spotty and rusty, but I was learning, I was adapting, and I was finding where I fit into this world.
I didn’t have to wait long to begin my ‘list o’ things to watch out for’. An embarrassed and disgraced Trixie performed her last (and best according to some ponies) magic trick; she had vanished out of Ponyville without a trace. Twilight Sparkle’s friends welcomed the little hero back in a tender-hearted moment. They also clarified the difference between what made Twilight a hero and what made Trixie a ‘loudmouth’, solidifying the friendship lesson in her heart. From that episode on, Twilight Sparkle had no reason to hide her secrets from her friends anymore. In a way, I envied her for that.
However, I had other things on my mind as ‘Boast Busters’ drew to a close. Even as I spoke with the ponies, even as the night's excitement was winding down, I made a mental note to myself,
“Something tells me we haven’t seen the last of Trixie.” And I wasn’t merely referring to the oceans of fan art the girl had.
“She’s the kind to hold a grudge…”