//------------------------------// // Public Servants (or Enemies) // Story: Ponyville 911 // by MisterMoniker //------------------------------// Many thanks to Sabre, who offered his time as editor, prereader, and all-around swag individual. --- Explosions. A tower of flames and shooting stars, shattering glass and great big combustible piles of coal heaped under oil tankers. Lots of oil tankers. All the oil and natural gas reserves pumping through the buildings from Fillydelphia to Manehattan, stuffed in a conveniently-built box made of matches and tinder. Boom. The young, white policemare let her thoughts continue to ramble for a few moments. The real world was depressing her on a fundamental level, so Cherry was thinking of happy things instead. Loud, explosive things. A heap of papers towered over her, shifting dangerously from side to side as the disgustingly-large pile threatened to collapse in on itself. When she started her job here as a policepony, she’d been a naïve little filly who was too eager to do all of the busywork around the office. She had refused to believe the signs, and instead spent her hours filling out statements, inking in police worksheets, and cataloguing those little tickets that she loved to write so much. After working this beat for nearly a year, though, she knew the truth: the paperwork was mocking her. No matter how much fun she had out on the streets, it knew she’d always have to come back to file, sketch, and write. She lifted her head off the desk to glare reprehensively at the teetering forms. Yep. You could tell by how the stack swayed, dislodging a document or two and littering the floor around her work area with lookout sheets and eyewitness accounts. And, of course, the endless swarm of damage receipts. Very briefly she prayed to Celestia that the pile would finally tip and crash down, smothering her to death in a heap of forever unfiled waivers. Hell, she’d have the last laugh one way or another. Her suicidal streak petered out as she considered setting them all on fire instead. Not today, Cherry. She glanced at the wall beside her desk. The sign that her Watch Commander had tacked to the bulletin screamed out at her in bold, printed letters: ABSOLUTELY NO INDOOR PYROTECHNICS. Multiple sentences elaborating “on pain of death” followed in fine print. Bucking killjoy is what he was. With a quiet sigh, she began pulling sheets from the top of the pile, magicked her patrol pen into the air, and began to fill them out. A quick glance at her watch didn’t help; 2:16 AM, nearly four hours until shift was over. ----- Three hours later, and the mountain of silently laughing papers had moved from one side of the desk to the other. Cherry’s horn sparked as she struggled to move the stupid pen across the last few sheets remaining in front of her. She was so focused on putting pen to paper that she didn’t notice Dodge standing next to her. “Mornin’, Cherry.” “IT WAS ALREADY ON FIRE!” She jumped, letting a burst of magic slip through her horn. The pen exploded in her grip. “…Thanks, Dodge. Guess that page is done now,” she muttered as she swept the mess of ink and paper into her wastebasket. Dodge glanced at the pile in the garbage and flicked his cigarette butt on top. With a satisfying poomf, the trash burst into flames. “Celestiadammit, I hate you,” Cherry whispered. The stallion just grinned and stomped the flame out with one hoof. Wiping her area clean with a spare statement sheet, she tossed the rest of the mess in her back-up trash can under the desk. “How long have you been done with your file?” Dodge blinked. “My what?” “Your paperwork, Dodge. Did you even do it?” She looked longingly at the pile of ash and scraps in her wastebasket. Maybe she’d have a chance to burn something when she got home. Her breakfast, most likely. “What, that stack of junk on my desk th’ clerk left for me? Yeah, I got to it. Stuff’s great for workin’ off stress.” He popped his neck and adjusted the sunglasses he’d swiped from Hoity Toity. When Dodge had first started wearing the large purple aviators around, Cherry had thought he was just joking at the Canterlot colt-cuddler’s expense. But, she had to (grudgingly) admit they looked pretty good on him. “I just finished ‘em up in the weight room, actually.” Cherry’s ears twitched. “…What were you doing with your paperwork in the weight room?” “It only took me about six or seven minutes to pulp ‘em this time,” he nodded proudly. “I usually start off by punching each individual paper, twenty or thirty times. Y’know, high reps. I tried it out on full stacks a’ fifty today, though. Grind ‘em down, get a good feel for ‘em. And sometimes,” he leaned in conspiratorially, “I kick ‘em.” He finished with a massive grin before digging for another smoke. Dodge watched as Cherry’s eyes began twisting around in spasms before laughing and sauntering back to his desk. “Officers Cherry-Anne Berries and Dodge Charger, report to the Watch Commander’s office immediately.” The telltale bark of the station’s PA system brought her out of a violently whirling cloud of thoughts, most of them reflecting on how she’d best like to murder her partner. With a groan, she stepped away from her desk and wove through the filing cabinets towards the Chief’s office. She chanced a look inside the drunk tank on her way. “Oh! Fantastic! Good morning, Officer Berries.” A beaming earth pony stallion greeted her from behind the bars, lying on his side and covered nearly head to hoof in a mess of zip ties, hoofcuffs and military-grade tow chains. The only part of his light brown hide that showed through the tangle of restraints was his head, which he was waggling back and forth as he tried to roll himself upright. “How’s it going, Doctor? Working on your next big escape plan?” She stopped and watched him wiggle around until he finally made his way to a sitting position. “Ah, well…you know me, Officer. I ought to be out of here in…ooooh, twenty minutes or so. Do I smell bananas from the break room down the hall? That’s good. Bananas are excellent.” His blue eyes darted around quickly, nose raised to catch another whiff. “How many times have we had you in here this month, Doc?” Cherry smiled faintly as she watched his focus wander around the cell. “Well, counting this morning, I’d say six or seven. Wouldn’t keep coming back, you know, but it’s just such fantastic fun. I’ve always wondered if there was a system you use to apply these restraints, but I’m beginning to think it’s more of an art than an exact sort of science. Bravo on your comrades’ technique, by the by. These are far sturdier than the last few times I’ve managed to sneak my way out…oh, yes. That seems to have worked.” He paused, and as he gave a slight twist, a barely audible click came from somewhere under the first two layers of chain. Cherry couldn’t help but giggle. “I’ll leave you to it, Doc. Gotta go chat with the boss. Still up for lunch tomorrow?” she trotted away from the cell, listening to him grunt for a few seconds before replying. “Oh – ah, yes, I should definitely be there. I wanted to ask you about how you magic up those hoofcuffs you’re so good at, and – whoop, that one was a doozy. Doozy-woozy. Wibbly-wobbly chainy-wainy. Haha! That’s interesting. I’d say I’m getting the hang of this. I still have a few layers to go, and I’m not sure how hungry I’ll be – well, I’ve never been one to turn down a meal anyway, I’ll just have to mind how much produce I borrow from the break room today, got to mind my figure, and all that, though I could always just go for a quick trip once I’ve eaten. I always seem to get some running in whenever I travel. Wonderful for the waistline, keeps a colt slim. A funny story about that, actually-“ Cherry stepped through the Chief’s door and shut it behind her, drowning out the rest of the Doctor’s babble. “Officer Cherry-Anne Berries, move your flank and ignore that tank!” Ah. He was in a good mood today. “To sum up, Charger, if you do not terrorize, I. Will. Not. Sympathize!” The Ponyville Police Department Watch Commander, Captain Iron Will, dwarfed the desk he stood behind. He punctuated every word with a judo chop in Dodge’s direction. Behind the bellowing minotaur, Cherry could see several framed photos of the highlights from his old self-help seminars. Crowds cheered on command when Iron Will demanded it, rooting for nervous volunteers on the stage where he force-fed them the words that would change their lives. The pictures were also the only relatively undamaged items in the room. Iron Will was notorious for demolishing his office furnishings, and a sizeable portion of the department’s budget was set aside simply for new desks, lamps, and decorative inspirational posters. “Now that I have you both here, we can get to business. I took a look at the report from your larceny case this morning. All I want to say is that your conduct in handling that issue was…” Steam seemed to rise from his fur as he paused for effect. “Excellent! You two are without a doubt the greatest instruments of absolute destruction in the name of the law that this department has ever seen. BUT! That. Is. Not. Enough. A new breed of criminal is always waiting. Always watching. Always preparing to strike at any breach in our beautiful town’s defenses! And YOU-" he swung an immense arm towards the two police officers, shattering a desk lamp in the process, “are among the first line of defense against this evil. Ours is a proud tradition, filled with honor, duty, and excess violence at every opportunity. You two personify what I feel every police force in the nation should be!” The hulking creature sat back in his chair and sipped daintily at a tiny espresso cup. “And that’s why I also volunteered the two of you to escort the Princesses in their Canterlot parade this afternoon.” Dodge seized up and choked on his cigarette. Unable to hide the malicious grin that was growing on her face, Cherry swatted him a few times across the back to help the stallion out. He looked like he was about to wet himself. His eyes darted around the room for a few seconds before he realized there was no escape. The door was locked, the window was barred, and an unstable minotaur blocked any potential weapons. Coughing a bit to clear the smoke from his lungs, Dodge fumbled with his outrageously flashy shades before asking meekly, “When you say Princesses, Chief…that includes Celestia?” “And just what is your problem, officer!?” Iron Will’s stage voice nearly bowled the gigantic stallion over. He didn’t even need his trademark microphone. “Princess Celestia and Princess Luna specifically requested a police escort dispatched from the Ponyville PD, and I’ll pull my horns right out of my skull before I send them anything but my best, so pony the buck up, Charger. And do something about those sunglasses, they look like something a colt-cuddling schoolfoal would wear on his first and last un-pathetic day of class.” The grey policepony staggered under the full brunt of the captain’s tirade. “Look, boss, it’s not like I don’t wanna represent the town or anythin’. I just don’t wanna represent the town anywhere near Princess Celestia.” “Charger, you served in the Royal Guard for five years before you came here to join the department. Now,” Iron Will rubbed his temples roughly, trying to hold back another rant, “you are going to explain to me WHY YOU REFUSE TO STAND BESIDE YOUR BENEVOLENT RULER, TO PROTECT AND DEFEND HER, AND TO DO WHAT THE BUCK I TELL YOU TO!” A safe distance away from Dodge, a certain red-maned mare was having trouble holding her laughter in front of her supervisor and her increasingly uncomfortable partner. Finally losing control, she rolled over onto her side and began laughing out loud, weeping and cackling at the visibly shaken earth pony. After a few seconds of stunned silence between the minotaur and the stallion, she wiped a hoofful of tears from her eyes and sat up. “Chief…let’s just say that during his tour of duty, Dodge here might have drawn a little, uh…unwanted attention from Her Highness.” “The crazy mare’s in love with me! I dunno what to do, Chief, I can’t go back there, please-“ Dodge’s pleas were shut down with a loud crack from Iron Will’s ferocious judo chop as it nearly split the desk in two. “What you will do, Charger, is escort your tiara-sporting supreme ruler and follow her every command, like a good soldier should. I don’t give two pegasus shits if she’s hoof-deep in you by the time the parade is over. If it will help her recreation, you will submit to violation!” He fisted the air furiously, simultaneously striking the lewdest and most destructive pose the office had ever seen. His desk split straight down the middle as his elbow dropped, crushing it and the miniature espresso instantly. Cherry could hear fireworks launching somewhere nearby. “Now get out of my office. You need to be on the train to Canterlot at noon.” Dodge stumbled outside, too disturbed to say anything. His partner followed, shutting the door behind her and passing by the drunk tank again on her way out. A note flitted around the empty cell near a large coil of chains: Dear Officer Berries, I only took one banana. Excellent source of potassium! -The Doctor