//------------------------------// // Chapter 3: Routine // Story: Not All Scars Are Seen // by Shadow_Wolf //------------------------------// Not All Scars Are Seen Chapter 3 Theme: Mad World - Gary Jules Despite being gifted with free will, ponies - and by that extension, most creatures - were, by choice or by force creatures of habit who eventually found a small niche in life to call their own and kept to the routine for fear of losing that niche. For some, such as the schedule obsessed Twilight Sparkle, routines were as natural as breathing. For others, such as the prodigious party planning pink pony Pinkie Pie, routine was something that simply didn't apply to their mercurial nature. Most simply fell somewhere in the middle, following certain aspects of routine without being bound by it. When she was a filly, routine consisted of the simplest of things, when to eat, when to sleep and when to out as laid down by the matron who had raised her and her friends. Later on, that simplicity gave way to rigid drills, uncompromising practice and the constant urge to push herself to the breaking point. Later still, those rigid practices had given way to the act of reassuring herself each day that her old life was long gone along with the necessity of a steady job and family to look out for; days that sometimes ran too short or too long and the eternal desire to keep things as ordered as possible in the chaos that was life. Truthfully, Derpy could barely remember a time when routine had not been part of her life, for she had always valued structure and often times thrived on it. After nearly ten years in Ponyville, the routine had changed very little, falling almost into a sense of tedium that masked old wounds and kept a smile on her face. Of course, Dinky's little escapades and Sparkler's rapidly approaching adulthood had changed the routine up some, but she regulated such things to the necessary evils of growing up. Yet for a reason she could not explain, the small changes had seemed so much greater than anticipated and the current morning was no exception. "Muffin! Sweetie! Hurry up or we're going to be late!" she called, trying and failing to keep the growing irritation out of her voice as she reflected that foals were the very definition of chaos when trying to maintain a schedule. Cinching her saddlebags tight, she felt herself teeter before grabbing the door jam to regain her balance, silently cursing herself as she did so. Feeling her eye roll slightly further off center, she could already tell that it was going to give her more trouble than usual that day as the dull ache was starting to creep further down the back of her head towards her spine. It was tempting to blame such things on her nightmares from earlier, but she was always reluctant to do so. "It isn't real anymore," she whispered, closing her eyes and replaying the conversation with Sparkler along with Dinky's failed adventure as the images of burned fields and broken bodies threatened her psyche once more before the sound of hoofsteps along with the cry of "ready" from her youngest daughter brought her back to the moment and she smiled up to them. "Climb aboard, muffin," she said, her smile returning as Dinky rushed forward to scramble up into her mother's saddlebag, the filly still just small enough to fit as Sparkler laughed at her antics. "I'll meet you two at the school," she said. Nodding, Derpy spread her wings wide and kicked off, raising a few feet into the air, her powerful wings rolling in careful flaps to maintain her equilibrium. The added weight was slight compared to some of the packages she usually carried, but it was still enough to make her list to one side and threaten to drag her down slightly, but she wouldn't disappoint her daughter in their ride to school. Rolling opposite Dinky's weight, Derpy luxuriated in her daughter's delighted giggles while below Sparkler galloped in a futile attempt to keep up with them. Too soon the town school house came into view and with a careful angling of her wings, Derpy leveled out and slowed her flight to come in for a landing, her eye rolling at just the wrong second from the change of air pressure and causing her to stumble as she touched the ground. Fortunately, she managed to recover and merely skipped twice before coming to a stop, thankfully still standing. "Alright, Muffin, come on..." she paused for a moment as her good eye rolled to the side, a smile creeping over her face as she noticed Sparkler pausing to speak to a dark green colt with a blonde mane. "... out." Crawling out of her bag, Dinky bounced happily and threw her forelegs around Derpy's neck in thanks for the flight to school before running off towards the trio of fillies known infamously as The Cutie Mark Crusaders. "She's gonna get hurt hanging out with those three sometime. You know that, right mom?" Turning to face Sparkler, Derpy shook her head and replied, "I've seen a lot worse. At least they haven't tried anything they can't recover from, and finding her cutie mark is important to Dinky so I don't see any problem with it." "I guess." "By the way, Sweetie, who was the colt you were talking to?" "N-nopony!" Derpy raised her eyebrow slightly, a knowing grin on her muzzle as Sparkler frantically sought to look anywhere but her mother's eyes. "Just be nice and make sure he treats you nice," Derpy replied, still grinning as her daughter's coat visibly darkened. "MOM!" "Just saying, Sweetie," she said, "and don't forget you have magic practice with Miss Sparkle tonight." Sparkler just nodded with a noncommittal grunt before trotting away, leaving Derpy alone, a soft sigh escaping her muzzle as she took to the sky once more. Ponyville was by no means a large town, barely a mile across at its widest point, though when the outlying homesteads were included into its footprint it became considerably larger. For this reason, those who lived and worked within it were rarely late to their place of employment and Derpy was no exception, but today she had somehow misjudged the time and found herself with a good fifteen minutes before she was needed at the post office, and after the infectious enjoyment that her daughter had gleaned from riding in her saddle bag, the pegasus decided it was time to do something she hadn't in a very long time. Many ponies asked her why she always flew so low compared to other pegasai, and her normal excuse was that it was safer for whatever she was carrying at the time, but the truth was that since a few months before she had made the town her home, old injuries made it nearly impossible to fly beyond a certain level. But limits were made to be pushed and, angling her wings once more, she drew upon her innate magics to fill them with a warm thermal that drew her higher into the sky than normal, the town slowly shrinking beneath her as she leveled out, holding her breath and keeping her eyes closed as she let herself adjust to the new sensation of pressure around her. Opening her eyes and releasing the breath, she surveyed the area and smiled, figuring herself to be around sixty or seventy feet in the air. It would have been a new personal best if her wing hadn't decided to twitch at that moment, throwing off her internal gyroscope once more and causing her to spin out, flailing her wings and limbs in a desperate attempt to regain control before she met with the rapidly approaching ground. It didn't work, and despite the screaming pain in her foreleg, she thanked Celestia that pegasai were built more durably than most other ponies gave them credit for. "Ahem," came a voice above her. Looking up, Derpy flushed deeply as she stared into the eyes of her boss, a cream-colored earth pony with a salt-and-pepper mane with thick rimmed glasses perched on his snout. "Um... morning, boss..." she said hesitantly, trying to get her legs back under her. "I guess I'm early today huh?" Zip Code, the town's senior mail-carrier and Derpy's boss looked down to her with a stern expression in his dusty grey eyes before chuckling lightly and extending a hoof to help her stand. "Derpy, I swear, I don't know how you can be so dedicated and so skilled when your carrying only to be so clumsy when you're bags are empty," he smiled, winking in a joking manner as she got to her hooves. "I'm not sure, Zip," she replied. "How can you be so good with numbers and never stick to a budget?" "Touche," he replied. "Ready to go to work?" "Yes sir!" she said, snapping of a crisp, military salute that left her boss smiling as the two of them headed inside. Over the course of the day, Derpy once again proved to Ponyville that, while she may have no longer been as good a flyer as she was in her youth, she was still as precise and dedicated as she had ever been. Whether it was a new shipment of records for Ponyville's resident odd-couple Octavia Melody and Vinyl Scratch, new Wonderbolt Posters for Rainbow Dash, letters from family for Applejack and new "superlicious secret ingredients, very hush hush" for Pinkie Pie, she greeted each stop on her route with a warm smile and a friendly wave. The residents, in return, waved and smiled back with many of them pausing to talk for a few moments as they received their parcels. By the time she had settled in for lunch, the weight of her saddlebags had diminished considerably, though there was still a number of deliveries to be made. Unfortunately, by that point, flying had become nearly impossible as the bases of her wings were slowly beginning to tighten as the throbbing pain worked its way down her spin to the middle of her back, her equilibrium slowly failing more and more to where more than once she had had to stop and lean against something or somepony in order to keep her balance until the world stopped spinning. It was moments like that which hurt the most, as more often than not she found herself being stared at with a mixture of pity and disdain by various ponies around the town. The former was always the most prevalent, but the later would still appear from time to time. The worst were the trio collectively known as "The Flower Sisters," Daisy, Lily and Rose who, while nice enough, where worse gossips and more dramatic than anypony else she knew. She didn't hold them any particular animosity of course, but she also couldn't quite bring herself to forgive them for the gossip they had spread - inadvertently or otherwise - when she had first arrived in town. Exhaling slowly as she finished her sandwich, she took a drink of water and quick peek skyward at Celestia's Sun; estimating it to be just a little past one in the afternoon. Checking her mailpouch, she found that the remaining deliveries consisted of only a couple of packages and several bundles of letters for the far side of town. Finishing her lunch quickly, she figured that if she pushed herself, she would be done just around three and could surprise Dinky by picking her up from school and giving her another short flight before she went to her tutoring session; and even if she couldn't muster the strength to fly, she could at least walk with her girls for a bit. True to her guess, at just about three in the afternoon, she found herself at her last delivery which brought her to the town's resident hub of fashion, the famous Carousel Boutique. Or at least that was how Rarity described it whenever she spoke to the white unicorn; though from the reviews she had read in a couple of magazines, if it wasn't wholly already well known, it was going to be in the near future. Knocking on the door, she found it open and trotted inside, looking around for the package's intended recipient. "Hello?" She asked. "Just a moment, darling! I'll be right with you!" Came a disembodied reply from a side room. Figuring that that could only be Rarity, Derpy snickered lightly to herself and started to pace around the room, looking at the various outfits and accessories displayed on the different mannequins. True to form, everything Rarity made was one of a kind and her skill was impressive to say the least; and though it was unlikely that Derpy could ever afford one of the dresses she gazed upon, she could still appreciate their beauty. On in particular, a white gone that looked to be in the final stages of decoration drew her eye and as she approached it, a voice rung out behind her. " Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chic, unique and magnifique, I am Rarity and how may I... Derpy?" "Hello, Miss Rarity, I have a package for you," she said as she craned her neck back to her pouch to pull the last parcel of the day out, holding it up in her teeth by a string until Rarity took it in her sapphire magic and pulled it away. "It's special delivery so if you could sign here please?" Presented with the clipboard, Rarity signed her name quickly and returned it to Derpy as she unwrapped the package. "Thank you Darling, this must be the special thread I was waiting on to finish the dress behind you... ahh! It is!" Pulling a spool of what looked like spun silver from the package, she brandished it proudly in her magic to show to Derpy, who backed up on instinct just in case; an action that proved to be a mistake. Overcome by a wave of dizziness, Derpy felt her hind leg buckle slightly as searing pain tore through her haunch, causing the muscle to lock up solidly. In response, her wings flared outwards to try to maintain her balance, but at the last second, her eye rolled in the opposite direction, jabbing into the socket and causing her head to shake to try to reposition it. The result, was a stumble, followed by a fall of flailing limbs that sent her crashing into the very dress she had been admiring only a moment earlier. "Derpy!" Rarity shouted, dropping the thread and quickly helping the pegasus to her hooves, checking her over as she regained her balance before examining the dress. The scream of shock would later be said to have been heard all the way out to Sweat Apple Acres, and as Derpy finally regained her equilibrium, she stared, mortified, at the long tear that had appeared in the side of the beautiful dress where her limb had sought some sort of purchase, only to damage the garment in her motions. "R-rarity! Oh Celestia I'm so so sorry! I don't know went wrong, I just... for a minute there I... I just..." she exhaled slowly and sank to her haunches, the motion thankfully unknotting the muscle but doing little to ease other discomforts. "H-how much...?" She asked Shocked out of her near fainting spell by the question, Rarity stared at Derpy for several seconds before she realized what she had been asked. "B-beg pardon, darling?" "I asked how much the dress is... I'll pay for the damages to it somehow." Rarity stared at her for several seconds following that statement, the look of horror on her face softening until it became one of contemplation. Taking the dress in her aura, she lifted it up and examined it more closely, a smile spreading across her face as she realized that the tear had occurred along a pleat line rather than along the expanse of fabric itself. Such damage was an inconvenience of course, but thankfully a minor one. If she was completely honest, Derpy's fall had done more damage to the manniquin than the dress itself. "No harm, darling... it looks much worse than it is, I'm sorry I overreacted and startled you." Derpy stared back at her, relief warring with responsibility as she listened. One of the many things she lived by was taking care of her debts, something she had instilled fully in her girls and she wasn't about to let this one go. She may not have had a lot to her name, but she did have her pride. "I... that's very generous of you, Miss Rarity, but I insist on paying something. I... I damaged your property and I need to pay you back somehow." "It's nothing, darling, don't worry I..." "I insist." Rarity hmmed lightly in response to this, not used to customers - or ponies in general - volunteering to pay for damages to things. "Hrm... idea!" She exclaimed, quickly looking Derpy up and down before pacing around her several times. "I know how we can fix this." "How?" "You're almost the exact same size as the client this dress was for, who happens to be a pegasus, maybe a tad bit off in your measurements - towards the lighter side, mind you - but if you'll consent to be a live model for me so that I can do some last minute adjustments I'll happily call us even. What do you say?" Derpy stared at her, dumbstruck for a few seconds before agreeing without further protest. At seven o'clock on the dot, Derpy knocked softly on the door to Carousel Boutique, fidgeting lightly at the guilt that still gnawed at her from the dress she had torn earlier. Rarity, ever the generous mare that she was, was giving her an easy way out, but it did little to assuage the feelings that still lingered. If she couldn't fix it, she may well have just ruined some poor mare's wedding and that was something she absolutely could not stomach. As the door opened, Rarity peered out and smiled warmly. "Ahh, Derpy, right on time I see, please, do come in, darling, I don't wish to keep you too late tonight." Following her mutely into the store, Derpy took a moment to look around and found herself exhaling lightly that the damage she had done earlier hadn't been difficult to repair, the only evidence that it had happened at all being a small bin off to the side with a dustpan handle sticking out of it. Turning to the unicorn, she again expressed her sorrow for what had happened only to have Rarity wave it off with a smile. "Oh think nothing of it, darling, Sweetie Belle and the Crusaders do far worse damage than that on a weekly basis, and besides, your help will more than make up for it." "Yes ma'am," Derpy replied. "Rarity." "What?" "Rarity, darling, please, just Rarity. All the Miss and Ma'am and Madam and all that tends to grate on my nerves and make me feel older than I am. Just Rarity will do, as we're friends here. Now, shall we?" With a nod, Derpy allowed herself to be lead up to the small pedestal surrounded by mirrors, the white silken dress placed comfortable across her back as her wings tucked in tightly before Rarity instructed her to slip them out through the wing-slits she had woven into the dress. Surprisingly, Rarity had managed to get the positioned perfectly the first time as the material did not chaff nor constrict the sensitive muscles of her wings, and the fabric was light enough that it didn't aggravate her aches. As she worked, the two of them talked about nothing in particular, neither gossip nor news, merely friendly banter to fill the silence of working. Very slowly, Derpy found herself relaxing as she stared into the mirror, as she finally took in what she was wearing. The dress was a vision in complex simplicity, white silk lightly embroidered along the edge in intricate patterns of deep silver and light bronze which wove around expertly fitted pearl inlay, giving the entire outfit a sheen that seemed to make her own dull gray coat look much lighter and finer in some ways. She made a motion to smooth out her mane, but was cut off as Rarity did it for her, styling it into a simple over the shoulder ponytail which seemed to glow against the dress. "One day," she heard a phantom voice say to her. "One day you're going to be the talk of the town and envy of every mare in Canterlot when you see the dress I'm going to have made for you." "It's beautiful..." she whispered as the voice faded into the distance. "Thank you, darling, personally I would like to see a bit more color in it, but my client was very specific. She wants her wedding to be simple but elegant and I do my best to deliver," Rarity said, sliding a needle slightly along the hem as she took the train in a short bit. "What kind of dress did you wear, if you don't mind me asking?" Caught off guard, Derpy felt her leg buckle slightly, her primaries extending slightly in agitation as the dull throbbing behind her eye returned in full force, nearly causing her to choke on her own saliva. "Derpy? Is something wrong?" Concentrating, squeezing her eyes tightly shut, she took several deep breaths to calm herself, her wings slowly tucking back in as the wobbling in her knees faded out, a long exhale escaping her throat before she finally spoke. "I... never wore one," she said at length. To her credit, Rarity hid her surprise fairly well, but the tell tale tick of her eyebrow and the slight pause of her stitching was enough to let Derpy know that she was trying to add things up on her own. In typical fashion, she knew that that would lead to know end of questions which she needed to head off quickly. Unfortunately, Rarity recovered more quickly than she expected. "I, I'm terribly sorry, darling, I just assumed that, well... being as you are a... um... well because of your..." She shook her head slowly, eyes closed to keep the vertigo in check. "It's not what you might be thinking, Rarity... Dinky was unplanned but her father didn't leave me because of her," she said, exhaling slowly. "We loved each other deeply... but he... he was killed several years ago. I guess you could say it was an occupational hazard." The joke was a poor one and she knew it, but she tried to lighten the mood with its tactlessness, hoping that Rarity would leave well enough alone, but rather than do so, she felt warm forelegs slide around her and pull her into a warm hug. Her first response was to pull away, her fur bristling slightly as she felt her space invaded in such a manner. And yet she couldn't feel the slightest bit of pity or outrage in Rarity's actions, only a subtle sadness for not only herself, but for her daughter as well and that alone allowed her to return the hug with a timidity that surprised her and she felt tears tugging at the corners of her eyes. By sheer willpower, she suppressed them. "I'm very sorry, darling, I didn't mean to dredge up memories like that, can you forgive me?" "Rarity, I ruin a dress, model for you and you're asking me to forgive you? I don't think this is how that works but, water under the bridge okay?" The unicorn smiled warmly at that, nodding as she resumed her stitching and within another few moments, she declared the gown finished and ready for her client. With a nod of her own, Derpy slid out of the dress with exaggerated caution, tucking her wings back inside it as Rarity slide it the rest of the way free before sliding it to one of her mannequins where she brushed it off gently. With a word of thanks, she gave Derpy another light hug. "Would you like to stay for tea, darling? We could chat a bit more if you like." "Thank you, Rarity, I appreciate it, but I need to get home to my girls," she replied. "Understandable, darling, do come back anytime you like." She nodded, thanking her once more before trotting towards the door. As she made to leave, however, she could almost feel the unspoken question that Rarity had left hanging when she agreed, however silently, to let the matter of Dinky's father rest. Taking another deep breath, Derpy answered her. "Trailblazer..." she whispered. "What was that, darling?" "Trailblazer," she repeated, turning her head and fixing Rarity with a sad smile and lidded eyes. "My coltfriend.... my lover... his name was Trailblazer. He was a Lieutenant in the Solar Guard, back before the Griffon Invasion. He... didn't know about Dinky." Turning away, Derpy stared out into the darkness and felt herself shiver at the admission, for it was the first time she had spoken his name in almost ten years. For the longest time, she felt as if she had been able to close that chapter of her life and move forward thanks to her daughters and her friends. Walking away from the Carousel Boutique that night, she felt just how wrong she had been and she didn't want to elaborate by answering any further questions. Somehow, she knew sleep wasn't going to come easily that night. Indistinct shapes filled her vision as the world around her spun, familiar but awkward weight resting on her saddle pad once more; but unlike what she remembered, this weight held a different feeling all together. It was heavier, less concealing but harder to move in, designed to allow her to acclimate to the lighter but more durable weight that would eventually rest there. Turning her head slightly, she marveled at the bronze sheen that covered her flank beneath her pinions and and shod her legs and hooves; it may not have been the golden color she longed to wear, but the sight of it still filled her with pride as she snapped too at the call of attention. "No..." Endless drills were performed over and over again in that bronze carapace, the weight pulling her down to the point it felt she could no longer move, and yet each time she was able to draw a little more from her ever dwindling reserves of stamina. The cadence of the marches soon became her heartbeat, the shouts of the instructors the breath which filled her lungs, the ring of weaponry the feeling of blood pumping through her. And with each ache, her goal drew closer. "S-stop it..." Once again her vision failed her first as sweat slid into her eye and behind the crystal prosthetic, burning her senses as she fought against the vacuum-like pull of the blood-soaked mud around her hooves; the unfamiliar weight that draped over her forcing her slowly down into it, making each movement of her legs a struggle just to take another step. The battle line was no more than one or two hundred yards away, and while there may not have been safety there, there was at least respite if she could make it. "Please..." Very soon, her right legs failed her, sending her forward and into the muck, her face pressed into the thickly clotted mess just as she tried to breath, forcing a bit of it into her throat, causing her to hack and sputter. There was no doubt that the weight had cracked her hind leg, as the sensation that was half-numbing, half agony was already starting to spread to her haunch, the only question was how bad it was; at least her front leg was only pinned and didn't seem broken. Spitting out the last of the mud, she planted her forelegs below her and heaved upwards, dislodging the weight from her shoulders and freeing herself. "No..." Her head turned slightly, breath catching in her lungs as the effort of freeing herself left her momentarily light headed, the world spinning around her as the vision in her eye turned to stars. Her wings stretched reflexively in their new-found freedom, as she tucked her hind leg up against her barrel, teetering on three legs. Looking down and biting the inside of her cheek, she focused on the self-inflicted pain and willed the stars to fade from her vision. "Don't look...." Her vision returning, she felt her breath hitch once more, her balance failing her as she stumbled and fell into the mud. Before her lay a unicorn stallion, eyes wide and glassy, mouth open in a silent scream. She knew his coat was supposed to be a dull violet color, his mane a deep chestnut and his eyes a sparkling blue; but they were none of these things. His horn lay broken, his coat splashed with darker patches of red from uncountable slashes, his golden armor red with his own blood. The wounds paled in comparison to the accusatory look in his eyes as she stared into them. "I...I..." "Why didn't you save me, Derpy?" Her wings snapped open suddenly, but the awkward position left one pinned beneath her barrel as the other shot out to full extension, vertigo rolling through her thoughts to the point she could no longer tell left from right as her foreleg found her mouth once more, her teeth biting down into her flesh and barely shutting out the scream that threatened to pierce the night around her. Like the previous morning, the abrupt ending of the nightmare had jolted her to consciousness, but at least this time it had not been such a violent awakening, which allowed her to take a moment and force her breathing back under control as her muscles relaxed themselves slightly. The words of the dead stallion haunted her, echoing in her mind but she blocked them out with her mantra once more, the vertigo settling down as her wings tucked back into their proper places. Looking to the clock, she found it was a little past five in the morning, meaning she had managed only two hours of rest that night; if she could actually call it that, but also knew that there was no going back to sleep after what she had seen. Rolling onto her hooves once more, her right foreleg immediately buckled, causing her to stumble and slam her side into the dresser, pinning her wing painfully for a few seconds before she righted herself and began to search for her prosthetic eye once more. Slipping the crystal into place and feeling its familiar roll, she mused that two nightmares so close together was almost as unnerving as the nightmare itself, but despite the desire to let her tears flow freely at that memory, she squeezed her eyes shut tightly and forced herself to breath evenly until the desire passed. "It's not real... anymore..." she whispered, hugging herself as she stumbled over the last word, pain already starting to build in her eye socket as she trotted out to begin her morning activities. As she passed the mirror in the bathroom, she gazed into her reflection and repeated the mantra once more. But, as she did so, she found that she could not force herself to smile that morning. In spite of her expression, she still managed to find a small comfort in the routine.