Chapter One- I Can’t Believe How Much I Hate Them!
Oerth: Earlier Today
A goblin hunched over the old treasure chest, its metal bindings were rusted but still held strong. This was it, all the monsters; all the traps were leading up to this moment- the treasure chest.
Above him, gazed down an enormous skullcrusher ogre wearing armor made from bear hide, his gaze twinkled with treasure hungry lust. He could already feel the smooth gold coins in his hands- and the beautiful elven prostitutes from the local upscale brothel. Especially Lia, the blonde elf that does that one thing with her tongue and a feather duster, she may not be an actual wizard, but to the big ogre she was his little archmage of love.
*Clack-clack-clack* The drider tapped her chitinous front left foot on the dusty stone floor, then let out an irritated huff before calling out, “Are you almost done, Kizzy?”
The goblin looked up from his work; he stared at the wall not looking back at his impatient friend. “This is delicate work, She’nae. If I get the slightest thing wrong we all blow up.”
“Whatever,” she growled, folding her arms before leaning against the roughly cut stone wall.
She heard soft footsteps coming her way, and smelled the subtle erotic sent. “Kizzy’s doing his best.”
She’nae turned her doom gaze over to the sexy red haired succubus standing at her side. She let out a sigh and closed her eyes, then opened them as she spoke. “I know. It’s just.” her foot was tapping against the stone floor again. “I really need to go to the bathroom.”
The succubus stared up at the drider woman, “Well, why don’t you just go behind the door back there?” She turned pointing to the door at the back of the room.
“Are you kidding?” She’nae exclaimed. “I can’t do that. Everyone will hear me.” She looked back over to Kizzy. “Are you done yet?”
“I’ll be done when I’m done.” He growled at her. “What do you have some kind of secret drider meeting you need to get to?”
“No!” She lowered her head, and looked down at her folded onyx arms. “I just need to go to the bathroom.”
“Oh,” Kizzy said as he went back to work. “Well, why don’t you just go behind the door in the back of the room?”
She clacked her front left foot on the ground again, then threw up her arms and let out an exasperated sigh. “Fine!” The succubus shook her head as she watched the drider stomp off toward the door.
When She’nae returned and took her place beside the ogre a soft click sounded throughout the room. “Ah.” Kizzy said in delight. With hands on either side of the trunk’s lid he opened it slowly. The old chest protested with a loud long squeak.
The lid came to rest and as it did Kizzy’s heart fell, the trunk was empty save for a white card the size of a dragon ante playing card. He took it out and sat back on his heels to read the card aloud. The writing was in big black bold letters and was the only thing on the card. “The PCs were here.” He read.
The room was quiet, no one spoke. The PCs, their most hated rivals, had humiliated them again. “You know,” the soft feminine voice of a medusa spoke. “It wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t of died twice in here.”
Kizzy spoke next, “They’re probably letting the gold coins rain between their fingers, wearing the jewels, and playing with their new pleasure golem by now.” He said defeated.
“….” A skeleton warrior yelled as he punched the wall.
“Wow!” The succubus exclaimed with wide eyes. “That’s the longest stream of swear words I’ve ever heard, and that includes when I lived in the Abyss.”
The ogre’s face was turning ever darkening shades of red, his hands trembled, and then pushing both Kizzy and She’nae out of the way he drew his club and slammed it down over and over again. “Why, why do they always take the treasure, but leave all the traps and monsters?” Splinters flew a crossed the room and as he yelled he punctuated each word with a smash from his club. “I. Hate. Them. So. Much!”
He then picked up a large piece of the destroyed chest, turned and threw it against the distant wall with a loud grunt. His lungs heaved for air, as his flash of rage left him tired.
With it quiet again, a disturbingly soft click sounded where the broken chest had landed. “Uh oh…” Was all Kizzy could get out before they were all planeshifted away.
Outside Ponyville: Now
Kizzy and the skullcrusher ogre, Grug, appeared in a flash of white light. A dirt road surrounded by an apple orchard went off into the distance either way.
The pair were quiet as they walked, “I can’t believe how much I hate them!” Grug finally said.
“Uh huh...” The little goblin wasn’t listening. It wasn’t the first time he had heard Grug rant about the PCs. He stopped in his tracks and grabbed the big ogre by the finger. “Look! That orange horse-deer is really kicking the shit out of that tree.”
Grug stopped and sure enough there was indeed a horse-deer kicking a tree. “Why is she doing that?”
“Oh, it’s probably a mating ritual.” He stated sagely. “See that red buck-stallion watching her? Well, if he likes what he’s seeing he’s going to jump on her back and poke her like a sewing machine- hard and fast.”
“He’s kicking a tree too.”
“Yeah,” Kizzy looked knowingly up at Grug. “See that’s the next step. She starts it off by kicking the tree then they both kick a tree. After that it’s go time.”
“Are you sure they aren’t just trying to get the apples in those wooden buckets?”
“Bah!” the goblin scoffed. “How many horse-deer have you seen farming before? This is clearly a mating dance.”
The ogre thought about it for a moment. “I haven’t seen any horse-deer before, but they look intelligent to me. That one’s wearing a hat, and the other has a yoke on his shoulders.”
“Oh, pish.” Kizzy said as he started to explain. “That one was clearly tangled in some farmer’s plow and chewed his way free. The other one, well she was browsing on a bush that had a hat on it, right? Then the hat fell on her head and has stayed there ever since.”
“That sounds pretty far-fetched.” The pair watched as a third came trotting up, a young fawn-foal. “I still think they’re intelligent. Look, that little one is wearing a red bow in her mane.”
“They’re not intelligent, I tell you!” Kizzy cried. “Fine, I bet you fifty gold that they’re just animals.”
“Deal.” The ogre said.
Applebloom trotted happily down the path to where her brother and sister were apple-bucking for today’s harvest. “Applejack!” the little filly called out. “Do ya’ll know where Granny Smith is?”
“Oh, son of a…” the three all turned as one to see a small frustrated monster dropping bits in a smiling giant’s hand. The two monsters looked at them with guilty faces. It was the small one with the leather clothing who spoke. “Uh, hi?”
She’nae clacked her foremost left foot on the cobblestone bridge rhythmically. She was clothed only in a white bra made of spider webs that both concealed and revealed her shapely breasts. A white spider web choker with a quarter sized golden medallion, its face that of bearded man, as its center piece stretched a crossed her neck. Before the beautiful drider two carts filled to the brim sat parked side by side. She could hear two women prattling on about some uninteresting event only some pompous self-absorbed idiot could find interesting.
Her brows furrowed in first irritation then anger. She sighed out heavily. She was as patient as the next drider but even she had her limits, and this was getting ridiculous.
The eight legs of her black widow lower body walked forward and up and over the two carts. She’nae rotated her spider lower body around and crossed her arms under her breasts. Lowered to eye level, she gazed at the pair standing in terrified surprise in front of her.
She looked first at the mint colored one, and then to the cream colored one with the two toned purple and pink mane. Her violet eyes drilling holes through them. “Do you two horse-deer have any idea how long I was standing behind you?” The drider growled.
The two doe-mares were too startled to speak, they just stared wide-eyed and mouths open.
“Three minutes!”
She’nae didn’t get to finish her rant; the pair of doe-mares ran off crying, “Spider monster, hide before she eats us!”
“Well, that was rude.” She’nae sighed as she watched them run off.
Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo walked happily together along the rocky hilly path. The pair had been planning this hike for almost a month and both were excited that it was finally here. Especially Rainbow Dash who after the storms of the last few weeks was finally getting a day off.
The little filly ran off a head and came to a stop and called out to her self-adopted big sister. “Rainbow Dash, I found something!”
The blue mare trotted to catch up and when she did she saw Scootaloo looking at a black armored body. As the pair got closer they saw the thing was sprawled out, a sword in one hand. What was really interesting was its helmet was gone showing off a bleached skull.
“Wow,” Scootaloo said in awe. “A skeleton... Do you think he was a knight on a dangerous quest for his Queen?”
“Maybe,” Rainbow Dash said, and then pointed with her hoof. “Look there’s writing on the armor.”
The pair moved in closer to read whatever phrase was scrawled a crossed the armor. Then the skeleton looked at them, waved his arms by his head and yelled, “…!”
Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash screamed out in absolute terror, they tried to back up, to get away but stumbled over each other’s feet and tumbled over in a tangled mess. Dash recovered first and she snatched Scootaloo up in her fore hooves and took to the sky disappearing in a flash of a sonic rainboom. Later they would agree if asked about it, they would leave out the part where they wept in fear and replace it with something braver.
The white light of the planeshift spell faded and Victor, the skeleton warrior, stood looking about in a circle. It was a pleasant day, birds sang in the trees and the sky was blue.
He looked at the flower dotted meadow, and sighed when he realized he had no idea where he was. Pondering what to do, his gaze shot off to the distance. He could hear the clip-clop of horses and a woman and a young girl talking.
“Oh, this is going to be great!” He said to himself as an evil plan came to his mind. “I’ll just draw my sword, and lay down here like so…”
He did as he told himself, drawing his sword and sprawling out on the ground. His head rolled limply to the side, and his mouth was agape. It was the best “dead skeleton” act he had ever done. All he needed was one of them to spot him.
“Rainbow Dash, I found something.” Victor could barely contain himself, one of them had seen him, just a little more and his evil plan would come to fruition.
They were just above him now, “Dangerous quest for my queen? I like that.” He thought as he watched them out of the corner of his eye.
“There’s writing on the armor.” The blue horse-deer said.
“Yeah, read the armor bitches.” His mind smiled at himself. This was the time, he look at them with a jerk, and waved his arms by his head and yelled, “Booga-booga-booga-booga!”
The biggest smile a skeleton ever smiled spread across his face as he watched the clumsy pair stumble over each other. He watched them shoot off into the distance, the whole time beaming with self-satisfaction.
Miranda stretched her right arm in front of her, her palm forward, as she tried desperately to stop the frightened horse-deer. “Pardon, but could you tell me…” The medusa asked meekly.
“If I could have a moment of your time?” For all her asking, all her pleas, none of them stopped for her. They called her a snake monster that would devour their children.
The strange creatures galloped to and fro, dashing into their homes and pulling in their welcome mats. Miranda thought it was a bit of an over-exaggeration, but maybe horse-deer were a bunch of cowardly assholes. Clicks of door locks rang out everywhere and soon every blind and shade had been pulled down.
“Could you tell me where I am?…” She asked quietly to the empty street.
Larissa, the succubus, twirled a lock of her red hair around her finger and looked up at a strong looking buck-stallion through her eyelashes seductively. She laughed sweetly as the buck-stallion ended his boring story with a joke as unfunny as his story was long.
“You sound so brave,” she lied, and looked at him with faux awestruck wonder. “I would have been too scared of the manticores to save my dog!” Larissa could see “pussy” written all over this guy. If a manticore really found him, she knew he’d be too busy shitting himself to save his dog.
“What about you?” She turned and smiled at a skinny buck-stallion wearing thick glasses. His brown mane and tail were messy and stood out against his cream colored coat. The succubus cupped his cheek with a soft gentle hand. He could smell her minty breath and she was so close he could almost feel her lips on his. “I bet someone as smart as you,” Larissa said running her fingertip lightly from his cheek up his snout to his lips. “Has so many interesting things to say.” She was honest to.
The nerdy buck-stallion promptly turned three shades of red and fell over unconscious. “Oh my…” The succubus said innocently. “I’ve still got it.”, was her next thought.
Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, and Sweetie Belle walked slowly through the crowded midday street. The summer sun shone brightly, with the sound of happy ponies and bird song filled the heart with happiness through osmosis.
Today the trio had planned on spending the day together starting with a stop at Sugar Cube Corner. “Maybe they still had those heavenly cream puffs today?” Rarity, pondered hopefully.
As they walked they noticed a commotion, standing bunched into a ball around a singular mare were several colts and stallions. She wasn’t like pony mares, but humanoid. The being had a beauty that was almost perverse. No, her beauty was perverse, intensely so. Even the pair of bat like wings at her back were strangely elegant and sensual.
What really grabbed Rarity’s attention wasn’t the bat winged mare’s beauty or her fabulous breasts, but her outfit. She wore black leather that seemed like armor of some sort that arrogantly showed of the mare’s hourglass shape and voluptuous breasts. The lines and angles seemed to draw the eye to her breasts and to her butt as if she was trying to say, “Look here, they’re great!” Yet for all the visual sexuality of the armor it was still modest and covered her from neck to ankle, even her arms to her wrists. Fingerless leather gloves that went to golden rune encrusted bracers covered even more skin. From her neck dangled an amulet of some kind that Rarity couldn’t place.
“A line of adventurer clothing?...” The purple maned unicorn mulled it over in her mind.
As Rarity thought about it, Twilight had stopped an all-black earth pony mare “What’s going on?”
“Oh,” the mare replied with disinterest. “That mare with the bat wings just appeared in a flash of light. Since then the colts and stallions haven’t left her alone.”
Twilight turned to look at the red haired mare, by the time she turned back to the black mare she had already left. “Thank you?”
“I don’t understand,” Sweetie Belle asked looking up at Twilight Sparkle. “She’s not that pretty, is she?”
“They seem to think so.” She said with a smile. “Should we go introduce ourselves?”
“Okay.” The little filly replied, Rarity was still lost on whether there should be a new adventurer line of clothing and didn’t hear a word that was said.
“Rarity,” Twilight asked shaking her friend from her reverie. “Are you coming?”
“Oh, sorry Darling, I was just thinking.” Trotting after her friend and little sister she called out, “What do you think of an adventurer’s line of clothing?”