//------------------------------// // The Lady and the Architect: Loud Mouth vs. Ace Artisan (Comedy) // Story: The Life and Times of Loud Mouth // by Dubs Rewatcher //------------------------------// “Who in Celestia’s name designed this room? It looks like Discord had a case of food poisoning.” “Shut up, Ace.” “Plastic chairs, wooden tables; nothing matches! It’s a shame, honestly. This is such a well-designed building, otherwise. Coltbusier did this one, I think—ow!” Ace yipped, jumping in his seat. He reached down to massage his now-throbbing fetlock. “What was that for?” Sitting next to him, Nocturne glared. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe you shouldn’t be spending the day insulting the place where I might end up working?” Ace opened his mouth to argue—but all that came was a sigh. “Point taken,” he said, looking away. “Sorry.” Nocturne kept her glower steady for a few more moments before letting a smile break through. She sat back in her seat and murmured, “It’s no problem, Artie. Thanks for coming with me. I know how much you hate traveling.” Ace shrugged. “Eh, it’s only an hour train ride from Canterlot to Manehattan. Nothing too serious.” “I guess. It’s weird to think I’ll be taking that train twice a day from now on,” Nocturne said. “At least, assuming I get the job.” “You’re not exactly applying to become the next Princess,” Ace said with a smirk. “It’s just a secretary job. It shouldn’t be hard to get.” “That’s easy for you to say, Mr. ‘I’m the Only Earth Pony in a Field of Unicorns.’” Nocturne cast a wary glance across the waiting room, over to the hallway that she knew would lead her to her interview. “This is the biggest radio station in Equestria. The pony who runs this place is important, y’know? I do well here, that means a job with Galactic Records sometime down the line. And a job at Galactic Records means money.” “Since when do you care so much about money?” “Since you started buying the cheap toilet paper ‘to cut costs.’” Once again, Ace opened his mouth, but closed it just as quickly. The sharp sound of hoofsteps echoed from the hallway, filling the room and making Nocturne go rigid in her seat. “Here we go,” she murmured to Ace, her words accented by a giggle. “It’s showtime!” As she tittered on, a pegasus entered the room, staring down at a small clipboard she held in her wing. The mare was tall, almost gangly, and she walked with a flinching gait, as if her toothpick legs were ready to snap under her at any moment. To Nocturne, this pegasus was most certainly not the kind of pony she pictured when she thought of the word “boss.” Rather, this pegasus screamed “intern.” Nevertheless, Nocturne put on her best smile and sat up a bit straighter, waiting for her name to be called. For the slightest of moments, she looked to her coltfriend—only to frown as she saw his pale, frozen face. Still reading the clipboard, the pegasus walked a bit further into the room, headed for where they sat. “Um, ‘Nocturne?’” she read. She looked up. “Is there a Noc—“ Silence. A thick, horrendous silence descended upon the room as Ace Artisan and the pegasus locked eyes, only a few steps away from one another. Their eyes were wide and their jaws were slack, as if they had both just witnessed a massacre of the highest order. As their staring contest went on, Nocturne threw her gaze between the two, waiting for something, anything to happen. When a full thirty seconds had passed with no movement—not even a breath—from either side, she cleared her throat. “Uh, are you—“ “Loud?” Ace choked out. The pegasus squeaked and flared her wings. Without another sound, she spun around and sprinted away, back down the hallway she had come from. A familiar quiet flooded the room as the intern’s hoofsteps faded into the distance. Ace looked like he was still recovering his ability to breathe, taking deep, shuddering breaths. It certainly didn’t help that Nocturne had leapt onto his chair, grabbed him by the scruff of his neck with her magic, and lifted him into the air. “What did you do?!” she screamed. Ace shook his head. “That was Loud Mouth.” “Who?!” “Loud Mouth,” he repeated, voice shaking. “Loud Mouth.” Nocturne clenched her teeth and prepared a torrent of curses—but froze as the name bounced through her mind. She weakened her hold on him. “Wait, wait,” she said, jumping off the chair. “That was Loud Mouth. The Loud Mouth? That mare you dated all through college?” Ace nodded. “Yep.” The hairs on the back of Nocturne’s neck went stiff. “The mare you broke up with in front of all of her friends and humiliated?” “Also true—ow!” As he rubbed his fetlock, Nocturne paced in front of him, wisps of smoke trailing from her mane. “You, you… do you know what you’ve done? You just cost me a job!” Nocturne turned to face him. “They’re never gonna hire me when they find out I brought a pig like you along!” “Hey, that’s racist—ow!” Ace swore and curled into his seat. “Okay, okay, I get it! I messed up. But Loud isn’t the type of mare to just out someone like that. Back when we were dating, she was the kindest mare I knew!” “And you broke her heart.” “Hey, if I hadn’t done it, we could have never gotten together!” Nocturne rolled her eyes and walked away. “And what a tragedy that would have been.” “Where are you going?” Ace asked, hopping out of his seat. “I’m going to find this Loud Mouth mare so you can apologize to her, and so I can get my job!” Nocturne called, across the room at this point. “Oh, come on!” Ace groaned. “Do I really have—“ Nocturne shot him a glare that could have set a timberwolf ablaze. He scrambled to catch up with her. He found me. A thin sheen of sweat wrapped around Loud Mouth’s forehead as she tried to stuff her lunch into an already-full saddlebag. Her cheeks burned, and her mane looked like it had just been through a wood chipper. She shoved her daisy sandwich into the bag, not even caring as it was crushed against her clipboard. She had to leave. She had to. There was no other choice. Not as long as he was out there, speaking with his stupid voice, and walking around with his stupid mane, moving his stupid abs… She banged her canteen against her forehead, trying desperately to knock the thoughts out of her mind. And yet, they remained, scurrying through her brain like rabid mice. Memories of long walks on the beach; romantic moonlit dinners; endless piles of architecture magazines, stacked so high that her dorm room floor had begun to buckle… “Yo, LoMo!” Loud Mouth shrieked and threw her canteen into the air, only just barely avoiding it as it came crashing back down. She shook as she turned around—only to let out a relieved breath as she saw who was behind her. “Oh,” she said, smiling. “Hey, Whammy.” Whammy Bar walked past and flumped into a seat across the table from her. Groaning, she let all of her limbs go slack, hanging off the chair. “Ugh. Neon Lights is out sick, so the boss had me take over for his electronica broadcast. Never heard such annoying music…” Although her teeth still clattered, Loud allowed herself a giggle. In the year she had been working at 103.4, Loud hadn’t made many friends; most ponies there were too busy with their own lives for Loud to really get to know. And yet, here was Whammy. She ran her own radio show, was constantly getting interviewed, was a big star… and yet, she still had time to talk to Loud.  “What’s up with you?” Whammy asked, raising a brow. “You seem jumpy.” “Nothing!” Loud said, looking away. A cloud of pink swirled through her cheeks. “Nothing, really. I’m fine!” Whammy lidded her eyes. “It’s a stallion, ain’t it?” Loud nodded. “I knew it,” Whammy said with a smirk. She sat up a bit straighter and cracked her neck before putting on a coy smile and leaning over the table, taking Loud’s hoof in hers. “I wanna hear everything. Who is he? Is he cute? Does he have a brother?” Loud rested her head on her hooves, a deep frown on her face. “His name is Ace Artisan. We both went to Canterlot University for the Arts. He was my last coltfriend,” she squeaked. “Ooh.” Whammy’s eyes went wide as her smirk disappeared. “That’s hard. You liked him?” “Totally,” Loud said, sighing. “We met Freshman year, and it was like love at first sight. We did everything together! Went to movies, listened to the radio, went to all his favorite museums… He was studying to be an architect, so he used to spend hours showing me all of his ideas and sketches. He was always so good at it.” As she spoke, the smallest of smiles danced across her lips—only to die within seconds as she muttered, “Then it happened.” Whammy was on the literal edge of her seat. “What?” “It was the day before graduation,” Loud said through a gulp. “I was out spending time with my friends, and everything was perfect. Then, without any warning, Ace walks up to me and tells me that we’re breaking up.” Loud crossed her forelegs. “No explanation. I didn’t even see him the next day, at graduation. “Hay, I almost didn’t go; I spent most of the day crying in my room. But Dad told me he wasn’t paying forty-thousand bits a year for me to miss graduation, so I just went and cried there.” Loud shrank into her seat. “Mom didn’t take a lot of pictures that day.” “Mhm,” Whammy murmured. She scrunched up her muzzle and tapped her chin a few times before nodding and leaning back in her chair. “Yep. I’ve seen this kinda thing loads of times.” “You have?” “Yeah! I saw a movie last week with the same exact story.” Whammy grinned and shot Loud a mischievous glance. “I have the perfect plan.” Loud returned her smile. “Does it involve me working past my fears and anxieties so that I might reconcile with Ace, and maybe even rekindle a sort of friendship, rather than avoiding him and harboring regrets for the rest of my life?” Whammy stared. Loud looked away, cheeks pink. “Motivational speaker.” “Right.” Whammy shook her head and leaned into Loud’s ear. “Here’s what you’re gonna do…” It had been nearly half an hour since Ace and Nocturne had left the waiting room, and Ace was sure that he was about to throw up. Never in his life had he seen so much awful interior design—and that was quite the feat, considered he was raised in the Upper East Side of Canterlot, a neighborhood known for gaudy houses and even gaudier furniture. And yet, for fear that he may simply lose his fetlocks, he pressed on, through the valley of radio broadcasting. It was a good thing he had his flask with him. The two of them had walked through offices, through cubicles—they had even stepped into a radio studio, at which point the fair citizens of Equestria had been given the chance to hear Nocturne scream a particularly harsh curse word. Nocturne took quick, jerky steps as they walked down another long hallway. “Oh, we’re never gonna find this filly! I’m never getting this stupid job.” Ace took another swig from his flask. “It’s just a secretary job, Noc. Nothing to pull your mane out over.” “I’ll be pulling your mane out in a second,” Nocturne muttered, speeding up a bit as she turned a corner into another hallway. “But seriously, where is—“ Nocturne skidded to a stop, and shot a foreleg out to stop Ace, too. Pursing his lips, Ace followed her gaze. Loud Mouth was standing a few yards away from them, a saddlebag slung over her back. Her face was concealed by a dim shadow. “Miss!” Nocturne cried, waving. “Over here! We’d like to talk to you!” A quiet moment passed. Loud walked toward them. Ace balanced his flask on a nearby potted plant and put on the warmest smile he could muster. In the time they had been walking, he had practiced this. All he had to do was apologize. Just say that he was sorry, that he was an idiot… the works. They would make up, and everything would be fine. They’d make up, and Nocturne wouldn’t make him sleep on the couch. It only took a few seconds for Loud to reach them. Her wings were raised high, but her mane drooped over her eyes like a dying willow tree. “Hey?” Ace tried. Loud Mouth slapped him. …Or, at least, tried to. Her trembling, skinny hoof barely made a sound against his cheek. Nocturne stared, jaw slack. Ace just stood there, eyes wide, head tilted slightly. “That’s for breaking my heart?” Loud yelped, sounding more like she was asking a question than making a statement. “Hey!” Nocturne sputtered, snapping out of her stupor. “You can’t just slap my coltfriend like that! Only I can slap him like that. And only when he eats all the cookies without telling me.” Loud gasped and took a few steps back. “Your coltfriend? Goodness, sorry, I didn’t mean—“ “No, no, it’s fine,” Ace said, rubbing his cheek. “I probably deserved that.” “You did?” Nocturne and Loud asked in unison. Loud had started sweating again. “Yeah.” Ace took a deep breath and looked into Loud’s eyes. “Listen, Loud. I didn’t come here to embarrass you, or to open old wounds, or even to talk to you for very long, really. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for what I did, all those years ago.” “Really?” Loud asked, her frown weakening. “Wow, that’s really—I mean, no!” Loud scrunched up her muzzle and turned away. “I’m not forgiving you, and I don’t accept your apology, because, um…” She reached into her saddlebag with a wing and pulled out a huge stack of index cards before cycling through them, eyes moving faster than rockets. “Uh, just give me a moment here…” Ace sat down and waited for Loud to find her answer. It was only once Nocturne elbowed him that he realized just how ridiculous the scene was. “Loud, stop,” Ace said, rubbing his head. “I’ve got something to say.” Loud was on her third round through the pile. She gulped and put them away. “Again, I’m sorry for treating you the way I did,” Ace said. “I mean that. When we broke up, I was young, and stupid, and, to be honest, I was kinda jealous.” “Huh?” Loud frowned and took a step forward. “But you used to be so good at… well, everything! How could you have ever been jealous of me?” Ace took a deep breath before pointing at Loud’s still-flared wings. “My…?” Loud blushed and folded her wings. “But why?” “I’m one of the only earth ponies in a city of unicorns. I’m one of the only earth pony architects in the world. That’s not easy.” Ace shook his head, glaring at the ground. “It’s never been easy. You remember how insecure I used to be about my race. I was always scared that everyone else thought they were better than me, that I was inferior to them somehow. “And that included you. You were a pegasi, free to roam wherever you wanted, while I was an earth pony, stuck on the ground. Do you know how much it hurt to see you fly away with your friends, off to some cloud that I would never be able to see?” Ace snorted. “That was why I broke up with you. I was so caught up in not having wings, or a horn, that I let my anger get the better of me.” Ace’s glower softened. “I was so stupid. You never thought you were better than me, and I don’t need anypony else’s opinion to feel better about myself. I get that now. “So, I’m sorry. Do you forgive me?” Silence. Loud’s mouth hung. Biting her lip, Loud glanced down at her index cards—from where Nocturne stood, she could see that the topmost one read “DON’T FORGIVE HIM”—only to drop them, letting the cards scatter across the carpet. Loud leapt forward and pulled Ace into a hug. “Of course I do, Acey.” Ace hesitated for a moment before returning the gesture. He held Loud close to him, enjoying a special sort of warmth that he hadn’t felt in ages. As she pressed her head into his broad chest, the familiar smell of cinnamon wafted past his nose— Nocturne cleared her throat. Ace let go. Loud snapped back, cheeks bright. “Oh, uh,” she stammered, rubbing the back of her neck. “Sorry.” “Uh-huh. Can we finally get to this job interview?” Nocturne asked. “I swear, I’ve been preparing for this thing for weeks!” Ace smirked. “It’s still just a secretary job, Noc. It’s nothing—“ “Shut up, Ace.” Loud frowned at Ace. “You say ‘secretary job’ like it’s a bad thing.” Ace blinked. “Well, I—“ “Just because a job isn’t extravagant doesn’t mean that it’s not important,” Loud said, taking a place at Nocturne’s side. “We need secretaries! Without them, businesses couldn’t function! No lack of glitz or glamor will change that. As long as you enjoy doing something, it’s worthwhile.” She turned to Nocturne. “Have you had secretary jobs in the past?” Nocturne was beaming. Turning up her nose, she said, “Yes.” “And have you enjoyed them?” “I have,” Nocturne said, shooting a pointed glance at Ace. “And I’m also very good at it.” “Well, there you go!” Loud said, grinning. “You love doing what you’re doing, and you shouldn’t need anypony else’s opinion to feel better about it.” She winked at Ace. “Right, Acey?” Ace opened his mouth, but no answer came. “All those self-help books I used to read paid off,” Loud said to him, stifling a giggle. She walked away, headed to the end of the hallway. “Now, let’s go get you that job!” Ace watched her go, jaw hanging. Smirking, Nocturne elbowed him. “What’s up with you? Still reeling from getting totally schooled by your ex?” Ace shook his head. “Just remembering why I fell in love with her—ow!” As he jumped around, massaging his fetlock, Nocturne rolled her eyes and walked away. “At least I can have that interview now…” “What do you mean he’s not here?!” Nocturne screamed. The secretary sitting outside the radio executive’s office took a moment to wipe the spittle off her face before saying, “He left five minutes ago. Perhaps if you hadn’t been nearly an hour late to your interview, you would have seen him.” Nocturne spun around and shot a burning glare at Ace and Loud, who were sitting a few yards away. Ace threw up his hooves defensively. “Hey, I’m not the one who ran away!” Loud gave a weak laugh. “Uh, sorry. Again.” Nocturne kept her glare up for a few seconds before groaning at the ceiling and stalking away, tail dragging along the ground, leaving Loud and Ace to sit alone. The two of them exchanged a silent glance. “Do you happen to know who did the interior designing for this place?” Ace asked. “I dunno,” Loud said, shaking her head. She smiled. “Isn’t it horrible, though?”