//------------------------------// // What I Can See and Can Seem To See // Story: Unbecoming // by RepentInReprise //------------------------------// Unbecoming Chapter 1: What I Can See and Can Seem To See Written by: Nathan Richard Stuckwisch (Julius Ulysses Icarus; penname) 6/30/2015 I don’t know how long I took waiting until I spoke to Twilight. I had lain there, embracing and relishing the comforting touch of Twilight’s hooves around me and even the gentle drops of her tears falling upon me, and the caressing of her lips, gentle, loving, and caring. I don’t know how I took waiting, for it may have been hours, or minutes, or, even possibly, years… No doubt she would have stayed by my side for that long, and then I spoke: “Twilight, I…” I choked up, realizing all at once what I had lost, and what I didn’t want to lose… “I want to hear your voice as much as possible… It’s bad enough that I’ve lost my eyesight, so now I can’t admire your face or your flank anymore… I can’t look up and see the skies anymore… I can’t see the things that made me smile because I was able to see them… I can't see Scootaloo. my sister, aspiring to fly; I can't see behind me as I make a Sonic Rainboom; I can't see Spitfire command and lead the Wonderbolts, seeing us fly together in awesomeness; I can't see the Sun rise from Celestia and the Moon fall from Luna… Already I’m regretting that I won’t be able to actually see what wonderful things you’ve done for me, Twilight… like that time when I was trying to pass my test for the Wonderbolts and you had shown me what to know…”. I paused as I cried, letting all my experiencing flow through me, and then I continued with resolve: “I… I want to cherish what I have now, at this moment, and that’s you, Twilight, and your voice…” I felt a squeeze around my hoof, presumably Twilight squeezing my hoof in hers as I finished. “Of course, Rainbow… I won’t leave you, and I will continue talking to you, and holding you, and simply being with you… We’ve known each other for so long, Rainbow I… I can’t imagine being without you as much as I can’t imagine you being without me… as much as we bear our Elements, so too do we bear each other.” I smiled, albeit forcefully, and tried to fight through my folly… I laughed, trying to shrug off the reality of the moment to say: “Pinkie Pie swear?” “Pinkie Pie swear!” Twilight reassured me, and even chuckled along with me, stroking my mane, although as also trying to assuage my underlying pain through her touch. Even in the moments like these, Pinkie Pie really knows how to make ponies smile... I smiled, hopeful and hopefully up at her. “Thanks Twilight… I love you.” “I love you too, Dashie. We’ll get through this, to the end.” Silence ensued. Although this time, is was settling. Surrounded in darkness, and in silence, I felt at ease knowing that Twilight was, and has been, here with me, holding my hoof, embracing me, and kissing me at times to show that everlasting symbol of love… Twilight had told me that a kiss was “something to build a dream on”. Silence and darkness were certainly enveloped and engulfed around me. All silent, except for the the low hum of the machine next to me, with its rhythmic beats, and the slow, calm, reassuring breathing of Twilight Sparkle that I could hear, or even her quiet weeping at times. There was nothing but silence and darkness. Then it broke. Still in the darkness, silence came to be sound, for I heard a squeaking and creaking that lasted for a few seconds, and then a sudden click that ended the sound. Then I heard hooves clopping to only what I could tell was closer and closer to me, in a very deliberate and considerate manner. The hooves stopped. I still felt Twilight Sparkle around me, but now, even more so, she seemed to really tighten her grip around me, as though bracing for… impact… I heard a voice as quickly as it came, it went. “Ms. Dash? Ms. Dash is it?” The voice sounded calm, collected, and caring. “Y-yes?” “I’m Dr. Horse… I’ve come to attend to you. How are you faring, Ms. Dash?” “I.. I…” I just felt the reality hit me again, and again, and again, until I was broken and bleeding… I felt Twilight hug me more as I started bursting into tears, showing Dr. Horse exactly how I am doing… I heard Dr. Horse sigh, as though he has something more to tell me… what if I… what if I can see again!? They can restore my vision, can’t they!? I -- “From staring at the sun, Ms. Dash, retinal, cornea, as well as iris damage has occurred… I’m… I’m sorry, but there seems to be no possible way we can restore your eyesight.” I just felt myself well up, in anger, and determination, I shouted back to the Doctor: “But there… there has to be a way! The… The Princesses can do something, can’t they!?” The doctor, again, sighed, and spoke slowly: “No… Ms. Dash, even the Princesses do not have, within their power, to restore vision… We have indeed spoken to them about the matter of restoring your vision, but they said nay, and the Princesses even told us that there was one little pony, named Snowdrop, who was born blind, whose vision they could not restore…” There I was, shot down, falling with open wings, at all my anger and resolve being crashed into hopelessness and despair. I simply wept, that being the only thing that I could seem to do, now that I was blind… I heard the Doctor continue: “You’ll need to be accompanied at all times, or, at least, have somepony immediate response to assist you if you so require.” Well… there goes one point to the expression, “It’s fumbling around in the dark”... I sighed, imagining myself doing that, wobbling around, toppling over things, and just… making a huge embarrassment and pathetic showcase of myself. “As for your career at the Wonderbolts…” I felt my heart race and thump so quickly I thought it would have shot out through my mouth! I felt my stomach just lurch, my wings spread out, and I felt my ears had perked and now jittering, as though they could not believe what they were hearing! Neither could I… I assumed the worst, I mean… what else could this be!? “Miss Spitfire has asked that she see you personally to assess you for capability and admittance into flight. We have granted her request. The reviewal process will begin at the Wonderbolts Flight Academy.” There it was… the very affirmative that sent my hopes and dreams flying, crashing down on me… I just cried… and cried… and cried. I don’t know long it was that I had cried for… all I knew was the building rage within me, at myself, at Spitfire, and all that I had come to achive is now simply gone. “Why… why would they even want to consider my position in the Wonderbolts! I… I’ve worked my way through the ranks! I’ve fought my way to the top! I’ve proven myself to them! I’ve earned where I am!” I felt Twilight rest her hoof on my shoulder, trying to relax me, “Rainbow… I’m sure she has her reasons… valid, and objective, I don’t doubt. The Wonderbolts need to rely on themselves as much as each other…” I just sighed, and put my face in my hooves, shaking my head. From leaning upwards, I let myself drop onto the soft bed. “Maybe… maybe I shouldn’t be angry with them or Spitfire, Twi…” I paused, contemplating, entering deep thought… “I should be angry with myself.” I heard Twilight gasp, but, before I could let her respond, I continued: “I’m a freaking idiot, Twilight… I… I blinded myself. I am such... A freaking... Idiot!” I said each motion with exaggeration and a pause between each motion, and I screamed that last word at the top of my lungs, in suffering, and in anger. “I was already blinded by my pride already… I… I just kept flying, higher and higher, trying to reach the Sun…” I sighed, drawing my voice to a low, withdrawn, and defeated tone: “Serves me right, huh? ‘The greatest flier in all of Equestria, one of the Wonderbolts, brings herself down by her own pride...’ couldn’t get any more tragic than that, could it? Instead of my wings burning from being too close to the Sun, I get my eyes blinded… couldn’t see what was right in front of me, anyway… staring at me with bright clarity…” I scrunched my muzzle and shut my eyes painfully, with another realization that just hit me: “Oh Twilight… I wonder what Princess Celestia must think of me… knowing I actually tried to ascend to her Sun, to try and grab it, hold it. Only a fool would think he could touch the Sun…” I sighed once more, my depressed state of being only worsening, realizing all of the pain I have caused to myself, but also all the pain I might have caused to others, right now, having heard and felt Twilight crying over me… my heart is broken… and it’s my fault that she is pain too. “I -- I’m sorry Twilight… for the pain I’ve caused you…” I felt my heart sink, and my pain rise. “If there’s one thing I can see and can seem to see, Twilight: I’m an idiot…”