Hiroshi tried to maintain a professional exterior as Amaterasu led him and his army into the palace, but on the inside, he was as giddy as a schoolboy on his first date. Here he was, in heaven, among the gods! The reason the gods took the form of ponies was beyond him, but who was he to question the aesthetic choices of his betters? “O glorious one, what is your will?”
“Right now my will is breakfast, follow me, if you will, and we will have a nice chat over our meal.”
Breakfast with the gods! Hiroshi could not wait to tell his big-shot cousin currently leading the invasion of Hawaii!
Breakfast with the gods turned out to be mainly grass and flowers. The gods were really taking this pony thing seriously. A plate of grass was set in front of him *gulp*. Hiroshi had a choice to make, choke down the weeds in front of him, or dishonor the gods by refusing their generosity. Down the hatch went the grass…
Generalissimo Crossbones awoke to the sharp, loud ringing of his alarm clock. Shooting up with a start, he flailed his paws around in an attempt to shut the accursed auditory torture device off. However, just when he was about to hit the off switch, the clock jumped over his head and onto the chest of one of his panicked wives, not quite wakeful enough to think beyond “Must. Stop. Ringing. NOW!!!!” he pounced, and he missed. Well, he missed the clock anyway. As for the female… Well, let’s just say she had a new reason to panic. The still-ringing clock landed atop the Generalissimo’s head. His wife gave switching off the clock the best shot she could, but only succeeded in giving Crossbones a lump on the head. Enraged, Crossbones leaped up and was about to slap her.
“WHOA WHOA WHOA!!” said a voice coming from a clock-ish direction. “There’s no need for domestic violence!”
Discord’s head burst out of the clock’s face, followed by the rest of his serpentine form. “Time to get some of those sweet, sweet foreign aid bits!”
“Did you have to wake me up this early?”
“Don’t you know dictators line up clear around the block for that stuff? You’ve gotta beat the rush!”
"Yeah, I remember the last time, I stood in line for 4 hours, and the griffon behind me just would NOT. SHUT. UP!"
Crossbones put on his jacket, studded with so many shiny medals (most of which he awarded to himself) that it was impossible to tell what color the jacket originally was, and his black beret. “Wait a buck Discord. Why are you helping me?”
“Oh Crossy, Crossy, Crossy, didn’t anyone ever tell you to never look a gift draconequus in the mouth?”
With a snap of his claw, Discord teleported the diamond dog dictator to Canterlot before he could say something smart-flanked, and chuckled as he watched the Generalissimo’s wife faint, unable to take any more weirdness this early in the morning.
Well, this is awkward, Celestia thought.
In her defense, if Celestia had been given a little advance warning, she would have had her chiefs prepare a more varied meal. As it was, watching the primates make brave attempts at eating Equestrian cuisine was certainly awkward (although she found it perversely entertaining, in spite of herself). Nevertheless, she had to get down to business. “Welcome to –“
“Your Highness! Generalissimo Crossbones is at the gates!”
Oh buck…
Crossbones, having shaken off the suddenness of his arrival at Celestia’s palace, confidently strode into the throne room “Your most kind Majesty; my pack thanks you profusely for your last gift. Alas, bits don’t last forever, and my pack once again needs your generosity.”
“’Your pack?’ Since when did you give two bucks about your pack? We both know that most of the foreign aid I send you goes directly into your Dragon bank account, and the rest goes to lavish feasts for you and your cronies while the pack you pretend to care about starves. No more foreign aid for you! Now leave my presence before you make me physically ill!”
…is what Celestia would have liked to say. Sadly, political realities dictated otherwise. General Crossbones, foul fellow though he was, was the strongest Diamond Dog alpha in Equestria that was not an ally of the Zavros Republic, which was known to support the violent overthrow of all monarchies everywhere, with Equestria being at the top of their hit list. She also knew that Crossbones’ loyalty depended entirely on the size of Equestria’s foreign aid payments relative to Zarvos’.
“Of course General, we will send the money on the next airship to your lands,” is what Celestia actually said, maintaining a veneer of regal calm practiced over centuries of experience (and summoning all her willpower to not paint the throne room with her breakfast).
“I believe I speak for my entire pack when I say that I am eternally grateful for your generosity. We will not forget your kindness.”
Crossbones said in his sweetest, most honeyed tone. He then left the palace, allowing Celestia to remove the emotional mask as she walked back to the dining hall. “Why can’t I be free of that dog?” she scowled to herself.
Upon overhearing Amaterasu’s utterance, Hiroshi saw an opportunity. The Supreme Kami clearly wanted this demon to die. Here was his chance to serve the sun goddess and win eternal glory!
Crossbones snickered to himself as he walked to the Canterlot Airdock. It was good to be allied to a society where kindness and generosity are two of the core principles. He didn’t practice them himself, but it was so easy to exploit those virtues for his own gain!
“ON YOUR KNEES DEMON!” Hiroshi shouted.
The canine demon turned around to face Hiroshi and the two Manchurian soldiers he had brought with him. “No one orders Generalissimo Crossbones on his knees! Least of all ugly, hairless monkeys I’ve never even seen before!”
“Shoot the knees.” Hiroshi ordered one of the Manchurians. Two three-round bursts later, the demon dropped to the cobblestone. The last words of Generalissimo Crossbones were undignified whimpers of pain before the Daimyo’s katana removed his bowed head.
A satisfied god of chaos invisibly watched the entire execution unfold. It all went according to plan. Soon Celestia would be compelled to play along with the whole sun goddess thing, the better to make the errant children listen to teacher. Oh yes, Her Royal Sanctimoniousness never could resist a reform case…