//------------------------------// // May // Story: A Year of Derpy // by Sleepy Panda //------------------------------// Have you ever heard the old saying of ‘April showers brings May flowers?’ Really, I think that’s complete nonsense, because come May and the constant rain had been so severe that there wasn’t a flower still standing. They’d all been toppled over by the force of the water and trampled by oblivious critters and ponies. Did the weatherponies just not care about doing their job anymore? I don’t think I’d seen sunshine in over a week. I stood under my cheap poncho, shivering, grumbling slightly as raindrops splattered on my head with no less force than bullets, shifting my hooves uncomfortably as mud splattered everywhere and coated my legs in a nice, thick coat of filth. I don’t know why I bothered in this weather. Not even Derpy would venture outside in these conditions, and it wasn’t like there was any garden left to admire. I doubted she had any interest in standing around in this horrid storm just to look at a giant mud pit with a bunch of plants that have been smashed and drowned and trampled on, just for good measure, because the first two things were apparently not enough. Seriously, this obscene weather just needs to be outlawed. I squinted my eyes shut as a sudden flash of lightning arced across the sky, setting my hairs on end. Before I’d even opened my eyes again, thunder boomed angrily, shaking the earth and rattling my skull. Grimacing, I considered my options, and it didn’t even take me five seconds to make my choice. At that point I figured the minuscule chance of Derpy arriving was not worth the risk of being fried to a crisp by a stray bolt of lightning. Sure, I’d die for her in a heartbeat, but what was the point if I died before she even knew I existed? With stiff legs, I zombie-walked back into the center of town, heading towards a little shop. It was one of those places that ponies could pass every day and not pay any notice to, it being tucked in a rather unfortunate spot, on the end of a street that had many more popular stores before it, and the only sign that it was even a shop was a little sign above the front door saying Keychain’s Kafé. Anxious to get out of the rain, I quickened my pace, dashing inside and shutting the door behind me with relief. Finally, someplace dry. A loud sigh greeted me. “Oh dear. Keychain, he’s back. I can’t believe he actually went outside again. Honestly, I really thought he’d have learned by now...” I looked up at the owner of the voice, smiling apologetically at the mare behind the counter, who didn’t smile back. She simply looked at me in that way my mother used to when I’d done something dumb and disappointed her. “Sorry, Maple… I’ll help clean up this time.” I gestured behind me, rather unnecessarily pointing out the mud dripping off of my coat and leaving a trail. A puddle was starting to form underneath me already, just from me standing there for a few seconds. “Yeah, you sure will. Clean yourself up first though, will you? You’re lucky there’s no customers in here.” I nodded my thanks to her, then made my way over to the bathroom, conscious of the mud trail closely following behind me. Why was it that bathrooms were never close to the entrance? It sure would save me a lot of cleaning. I swear this building was designed to be as inconvenient to me as possible. There was this loose board on the floor too that my hoof always got caught on, and that one flickering light in the back corner that just intrudes my peripheral vision and strives to give me nasty migraines… Pushing open the restroom door with a slippery hoof, I walked inside, letting the door swing shut behind me on its hinges, wincing a little at the muddy hoofprint before it vanished from sight on the other side of the door. What a mess. Honestly though, I’m sure I was much messier myself than the floors and doors I’d walked on and touched. My poncho was little more than a limp plastic bag at this point, having been ripped to shreds by the wild winds. Serves me right for shopping at the discount store, I suppose. I turned on the sink tap, letting the water run for a bit. It always came out cold at first, and being soaked with more cold water was the last thing I needed. My reflection caught my eye in the mirror above the sink, grimacing back at me before looking away. Now, I’m not going to claim that I’m ugly, nor do I consider myself exceptionally handsome, but the mud plastered across my face and the twigs entangled in my matted hair made me look like the sort of monster you’d encounter on a stroll through the Everfree Forest. Not really a sight that made me feel better. What did looks matter, anyway? I mean, Thunderlane is a horrible pony, but even I admit that he’s one handsome stallion. I shuddered, pushing him out of my mind and snatching a paper towel from the dispenser a bit more aggressively than I intended to. It ripped. Even the thought of his face made my stomach churn nastily. Why is it that sometimes I feel I’m the only one around here who has any sense? Are ponies really so blind when it comes to their friends? Of course, I can’t fault Derpy for not seeing Thunderlane’s true colors; I know very well that love can blind ponies and cloud their judgement--well, in this case, Derpy was blinded by what she thought was love. Real or imagined, it has the same effect. I looked down and frowned, seeing the white paper towel completely soaked with the dark brown mud. Was I really that dirty? I hadn’t even cleaned off my whole hoof yet. This wasn’t going to work. What I really needed was a shower, but the likelihood of my brother actually permitting me to go upstairs into his apartment was about the same as my chances for waking up tomorrow morning as a dragon. Be that as it may, though, it was still worth a shot. Better to try asking and be rejected than it was to give up and never ask. Pushing open the bathroom door a crack, I called out, “Keychain? Any chance you’d like to try being kind for once and let me use your shower?” “Yeah, right,” he called back, trotting over to me. “Do you know how expensive it is to clean mud out of those carpets?” “Surely you could put some towels down for me to walk on.” I gave him my best kicked puppy expression, making myself look small and desperate. “I haven’t been properly clean in days...” He sighed. “Fine, fine. But I swear to Celestia if you dirty my carpets in any way, you’re paying for it, and you’ll never be allowed to go in my house ever again. And you’ll totally owe Sugar Maple for making her help clean up your mess, so you better cover her shift sometimes. Got it?” I started to nod, but quickly stopped as murky water flew from my mane and splattered on the bathroom door. “Ah… Maybe you should get those towels out,” I suggested, and with a rather irritated glance at me, Keychain turned and left to get the towels from upstairs. “Why do you keep coming back here lately like this, completely soaked?” Maple spoke up once he’d gone. “You’re really stressing him out, you know.” “I enjoy walking in the rain. I find it refreshing.” Maple eyed me suspiciously, but said no more, and I stood there examining the artwork on the walls of the room until a pile of towels marched down the stairs. I squinted at it, and realized Keychain was buried under an absurd amount of towels, somehow managing to walk down the flight of stairs despite not being able to see a thing. “Hello there, Towels. Have you brought me a Keychain?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. “Oh, just take your towels and get on with it,” he grumbled, and I found myself ducking as the towel pile was hurled towards my head. Seriously, what happened to being civilized? “Thank you,” I said plainly, bending down to gather up the mess of towels, but more importantly hiding my irritated expression. No need to appear anything less than grateful. I stumbled my way up the stairs, throwing towels down in front of me as I trotted upstairs in a hurry. I found it kind of funny that my biggest desire at that moment was taking a shower. Not being rich, or famous, or finding true love, but taking a shower. Go figure. The bathroom wasn’t very hard to find; it was actually the first door on the hallway. I abandoned the rest of my towels, dropping them in a heap outside of the door, and walked inside. It was small, sure, but the shower took up nearly half of it, and that was all I was interested in. It had shiny glass doors, a gleaming new shower head, and a wonderful assortment of shampoos and soaps. In other words, it was basically heaven on earth. Nearly dancing with excitement, I turned on the hot water and waited for it to heat up. I was expecting the sound of the water to make me explode with happiness, but honestly it just reminded me of rain. Oh well. Should be heated enough now. I stepped into the shower, shutting the door behind me and nearly moaning aloud as the warm water cascaded over my frozen body, melting my stiff legs. I sat down, letting it pour over my head, mud flowing off of my coat and mane in rivets. Nothing could compare to this feeling. Well… that wasn’t really true, but it was close.The only thing better than being in a hot shower after a day like this was being in a hot shower with a hot mare. Derpy Hooves, with the water running through her long mane, glistening off of her coat, spraying through the air as she fluttered her wings… then smiling at me with that sweet little smile of hers that said she knew exactly what I wanted… I shuddered, breaking out of my thoughts. The water had gone cold. Cursing myself, I grabbed the bar of soap and lathered up by body, rinsing as quickly as possible and shutting off the water. I shook myself dry before stepping out of the shower, then looked around for a towel, which I realized I’d left out in the hallway. Grumbling to myself, I bashed my idiotic forehead with a hoof before dashing out into the hallway to grab one of the towels, trying my best not to drip too much water everywhere. Shivering and wet was exactly what state I’d been trying to get out of, but at least I wasn’t plastered with filth from head to hoof anymore. I wondered if Derpy was a mare who didn’t mind dirty hooves. Some mares didn’t, and others had a tendency to freak out if so much as a speck of dust landed on them. Though I’ll admit those sorts of mares amuse me sometimes, it’s not really a good sort of amusement. I don’t think she’d be the latter type, though. No dirt-fearing pony would spend time outdoors like she does. I love mares who share my love for the outdoors. Well, all of the outdoors except for absurd amounts of rain. Sighing, I stared out of the fogged-up window, hoping that I might see a gray pegasus fly by, but all I saw was gross weather. I think I should invest in a proper raincoat sometime. “So how’s Sunflower doing?” Keychain asked, pulling out a chair and sitting himself down next to me at the table, a steaming cup of coffee in hoof. I stared at it enviously, the smell wafting over to me, impossible to ignore. He noticed me looking and snorted. “No bits, no coffee. I don’t run a charity here.” “No, I didn’t expect you to offer me any,” I sighed, turning away and trying very hard to think of anything but the scent of the warm, flavorful drink, sitting so close to me yet so far from reach. “You didn’t answer my question though. You talked to Sunflower lately?” I shrugged. “She’s away, has been away, will probably still be away when you decide to ask me again.” “Yes, you’ve said, but don’t you keep in touch at all?” I looked back over at him, stifling the urge to roll my eyes at the overly concerned look on his face. “She needs her space. She’s busy. It can wait until she gets back,” I said. Sugar Maple walked over and sat across from me with her own mug of coffee, doubling the tempting smell around me. “You should at least write,” she suggested, taking a long sip. My eye twitched as I heard the drink slosh around in its mug. “I know. Look, I appreciate you wanting to help me out, but I really don’t need it. I’m not the socially incompetent idiot that you think I am. I’m fine, we’re fine, it’s all fine.” I rubbed my forehead with a hoof, trying to fight off the migraine that threatened to come on. Caffeine withdrawal, probably. “I don’t really want to talk about this right now.” Sugar Maple and Keychain shared a look, but thankfully said no more on the subject, going quiet and hiding their faces in their drinks. I tapped my hooves on the table, staring at the ceiling as the silence loudly hung in the air. Awkward, certainly, but a lot less awkward than talking about my personal life with these two. So many things they didn’t know, and I had zero intention of changing that. Of course, they weren’t completely wrong about everything… I might not have liked it, but I knew I should probably write to Sunflower, at least to let her know that I haven’t dropped dead or anything like that. She deserved to know at least that. I’ll get around to it sometime, I guess. It made me wonder though, do they maybe have a point? If I couldn’t bring myself to write to even my wife once in a while, then how would I ever be able to approach Derpy Hooves?