Fairy Tale Breakdown

by Irritus185

Performer Selection

So it turned out that Solana actually was Celestia in her pre-alicorn years. Guess she had a name change sometime between now and the start of the series. Of course, you're probably wondering how I found out.

Was it her extreme likeness to the beloved ruler? Her cutie mark? Her propensity to chuck magical flames at those she deemed a threat?

Actually, it was because Luna, in all her dour glory, came to pick her sister up after our climatic battle because Solana was late for her curfew. The moon pony seemed even more unsocial than what I remembered from the series, because she barely acknowledged my presence long enough to even consider me an annoyance (with a barely restrained look of condescension) before she grabbed her sister in a telekinetic grip and literally dragged the unicorn from the premises while Solana threw warnings and expletives over her shoulder.

As for the aftereffects of the two of us tussling, well...

"Why did it have to end this way?!"

My face was red and raw from shame and first-degree burns. I looked down at the bawling unicorn mage, his head bowed and tears freely flowing. The still-smoldering remains of his atelier laid before us, swirls of smoke wreathing their way up and into the breeze. There was a crackling of wood, and I winced as a support beam that was somehow still standing suddenly couldn't anymore and collapsed inward, sending up a flurry of ashes and cinders.

"Star Swirl..." I started, unsure of how to possibly make up for what I'd done. "I am so, so sorry. I didn't..."

"All my research!" he wailed. He was curled up on the ground, holding something in his forelegs. "How can I possibly continue it now?"

"I..." What had I done? I hadn't expected to get into a full-blown brawl with Solana, let alone the way it happened. Obviously I had been changed a lot more than I'd first thought besides the whole 'in Ponyland' and 'magical book' shtick. To be both a part, and a major cause, of what happened... how could I ever make up for what I'd done to the stallion?

"I swear, "I'll make it up to-"

"It was so young!" Star Swirl flung his head up, each hoof holding up a broken half of a stick. "There was so much poking it could still do!"

...what.

"I still remember when I carved it from that willow tree..." He sniffled. "It looked at me and told me about all the things we could poke together. Oh, the magic we learned! The data we collected!" He gave a loud, mucus-filled snort. "But now it's all over! It'll never poke again..."

I looked at the snapped chunks of wood and then at the burning building. "Umm... Aren't you at all bothered about your atelier being destroyed?"

Star Swirl stopped mid-wail. He blinked and turned to me, the expression on his face one of absolute befuddlement. "Didn't I say explosions are a common, unfortunate consequence of my research?"

I opened my mouth and then closed it. I tried again. "But it's... it's kinda just a pile of slag now."

"Yes, and I have an excellent deal with a minotair craftsman who's on an exchange program here. My atelier should be back up and running within a week."

I looked at the wreckage. "Your experiments?"

He scoffed. "Please, if they gave under such pitifully hazardous conditions, I'd heartily consider them failures."

A sheet of paper floated in the heated updraft as it turned to ash. "Your notes?"

He tapped his noggin. "All up here. No need to write things down."

"Then why..."

"To show my genius, of course!" He laughed conceitedly. "If no one reads my work, how can they see how brilliant it is? I haven't a way to beam my greatness into their consciousness... Well, not yet anyway." He stroked his slightly charred beard. "Though Clover will be distressed when she's told she has to transcribe all my thoughts again."

My face had gone blank halfway through his brag. "...your poking stick."

His attitude did another one-eighty. "My Poking Stick! Waaahh!" He collapsed, weeping over the great loss.

I patted him on the back. "There, there," I said woodenly. "I'm sure you'll find another stick worthy of your affection." My cup overfloeth with sympathy.

An oak branch that had been sheered off from the tree after the battle inevitably went outside found itself covered in azure sparkles. It floated over and poked the embers.

Star Swirl gave another phlegmatic snort, and the stick dropped. "It's just not the same!"

I sighed. I just had to make first contact with a pony wizard more heartbroken over a hunk of wood than an entire building. I'd say that everything up till now was some sort of super-realistic fever dream brought about by sketchy con food, but my imagination wasn't robust enough for this. My college creative-writing professor always said I had the creativity of an unripe turnip.

So either this was definitely real, or some really abstract rendition of an ironic hell.

Shit.

I tried to be sympathetic again, feeling a lot more into it this time. "Look, Star Swirl, I really am sorry over what happened. I didn't think that I could, well, do what I did, and-"

"That's it!"

Suddenly I was on my back, my shoulders and hips pinned to the scorched grass by a deceptively heavy unicorn. Seriously, his withers were only up to hip-level (and I wasn't particularly tall), and yet he probably had a good hundred pounds on me. Stupid, dense pony musculature!

What made the weight pressing me down and preventing me from moving even more worrisome were the large, expressive, and frankly terrifying eyes attached to it that stared at me with a mania usually only possessed by someone about to dig into you with a chipped and bloody cleaver.

Star Swirl could probably create those out of nothing, and had shown a vested interest in cutting me open.

I think I might've wet myself.

"That magic! Those combat spells! That geas! I've never seen anything like that before!" As he rambled, the two halves of the ex-Poking Stick levitated up and pointed at me. I don't think he was even doing it consciously; it was horrifying. "Tell me, where did you learn them? Who created them? How did you defeat Solana with such a barrage of magic without causing more than a bruise? How did she use them and with such ease? Tell me!"

So yeah, I... kinda beat Solana in a Spell Card battle. I beat one of the soon-to-be most powerful entities in Equestria by chucking danmaku at her until the Rules declared her a loser.

I was still too preoccupied trying to comprehend that the Merchant (he had to be capitalized after what he'd done) and the Grimore of Marisa he'd sold me had turned me into a bona-fide Touhou character to properly consider the ramifications of that victory. Oh well, at least I had the cool hat.

"It... it's something called a spell card battle. No, wait..." I looked off to the side, partly to think, and partly to avoid making eye contact with Crazy Beard. "Guess it was more of a danmaku battle, since no spell cards were actually involved."

"Spell card? Danmaku? I don't know of the first type of magic and the second is untranslatable to me."

"Well, it's... look, if I tell you, will you let me up?"

"Of course!" Star Swirl jumped off me and twirled around in circles, like a dog happily chasing its own tail. "Now tell me, tell me! Tell me all about these 'spell cards' and 'danmakus!' How do they work? Why could Solana not attack you again? Why could I not stop either of you? I want to know it all!"

So I did, or at least an altered version of it. I wasn't about to explain how the spell cards and danmaku originated from a computer game, lest he start focusing on technology and its uprising in the absence of magic. So instead, I adapted Touhou's storyline as an alternate plane of existence to my world. It seemed easier at the time.

I told Star Swirl of the land of fantasy and illusion, Gensokyo, of how it separated from the real world because of the disappearing magic and belief in the supernatural to create its own reality. I told him of the human and youkai that lived there, not exactly in harmony but at least in some sort of balance. Of the various [Incidents] that occurred that threw the balance of that world into chaos. Of the shrine maiden that created the spell card rules in response to an evil(ish) vampire's shenanigans so that the weaker humans had a chance of fighting the more powerful and longer-lived youkai that threatened him. And of the Spell Card/Danmaku system that allowed for fighting without either side being permanently injured and prevented outsiders from interfering.

Star Swirl stayed rapt with attention the entire time, soaking in every word that I spoke. It was surprising, but he barely interrupted me except for a few times that he wanted some slight clarification. I think the idea of a completely new and different magic system from the one that he knew was blowing his mind.

When I finally finished, he looked at me starry-eyed. "Fascinating. Absolutely, positively fascinating." He stroked his beard. "And you say that you didn't have any access to these powers until you came here?"

I shook my head. "Nope, strictly a Gensokyo thing. Danmaku didn't exist back where I was from."

"I see." He pursed his lips, his eyes focusing on the fanbook. "And you believe this grimoire that merchant sold you is the culprit?"

"Can't really think of anything else." And I really couldn't. It was hard enough to believe that I now had access to danmaku, and maybe even spell cards, that I didn't even bother trying to deny that the grimoire was the source of it nor that it was actually magical. I hefted the grimoire up to look at it. Its inscriptions were still glowing merrily. "This is a replica of the grimoire of one of Gensokyo's famous individuals, a witch who chronicled the spell cards used by the inhabitants during the [Incidents]. I mean, it's a collector’s items for real, but that it was, well, y'know..."

So, what did it mean that I could use it, and what did that make me? Was I even still human, a magic user like Marisa, or was I some kind of youkai like most of the other cast? Besides that, what did it mean for my chances of finding my way back? I sighed. "And now I have no idea how to get home and..."

"Indeed." Star Swirl studied me for a few moments and then smiled widely. "Well, then, I believe I may have the answer to your problem."

I cocked an eyebrow suspiciously. "How so?"

"My dear alien, don't you see?" He raised a hood. "I am the premier magician when it comes to transdimensional travel. Surely you can figure out that I am your best chance for getting back home!"

"...you don't say..."

"I do say!" He laughed out loud. "Oh, this is perfect. It will be two carrots with one pull! I get more data about dimensional shifts and you return to your home world. Everybody wins!"

"And you're just doing this out of the kindness of your heart?" I asked cynically. I had the feeling that I wasn't going to like my end of the bargain, but if it meant getting back home...

"I don't believe in altruism," he said bluntly. "Everything for something, as my father always told me. No, you will be helping me... as a research sample." I could almost hear Igor calling for his master from that smile.

Ok, yeah, I called it.

The hall rang silent, the only audible noise the ticking of a clock.

Celestia glared warily between me and the object in my hand. "What is that?"

"Fireworks," I said cheekily. My overblown smile collapsed into a scowl. "What do you think it is?"

She scowled. That's it - get mad, get scared.

The pink one piped up. "Hey, where'd you get that? You didn't have any emergency stashes nearby!" She held out a hoof accusingly. "Cheater!"

"Pinkie!" Fashion pony slapped Pinkie's hoof down. "Don't point! It might enrage him!" She eyed me anxiously. "Err, but, yes, her point does stand; that was not here before. Where did you pull it from? Your clothes don't exactly look like they have deep pockets."

I kept my eyes on Celestia. "You wanna explain, or shall I give a practical demonstration?"

She bit her tongue back on some insult. Pulling her calm demeanor back on, Celestia said, "Booker is a kotodama, a demon that has control over words."

"How many times do I have to tell you?" I whined. "I'm a youkai, not a demon."

She ignored me. "As such, he can create anything he speaks of." She stared at me imperiously. "Although they are nothing more than illusions of the real thing - phantasms."

I smirked. Even telling them about my powers, it wouldn't matter. As long as they believed they were in danger, I was already one step ahead. "An illusion is just as real as reality, as long as it's believed in." I gently tossed the bomb up once. "Would you care to experience just how fake this little puppy is?"

Her hoof shifted forward. My free hand shot up, the pointer extended to waggle. "Uh uh uh," I chided with a frowny face. "That's naughty-naughty of you, Celestia." My smile began to creep up again as I heard the faint clanking of metal slowly creep up from behind me. "Your guards are being rather naughty, too. Be a dear and tell them to back up a tad?"

"Put the device down, Booker," she ordered. The clanking got closer.

"Why?" I started to toss the bomb between my hands. The clanking came to a complete stop. The sickened look on her face was priceless. "This is my insurance to make sure you accept my challenge. Would hate to see it go off by accident if someone got a bit too frisky."

"I swear to you, if you relinquish the device and allow yourself to be taken into custody, no harm will come to you. I give you my word." Celestia nervously pawed at the richly carpet of the raised dais.

I snorted. "That's a bald-faced lie. I let you take me, and I'd never see day or moonlight again." She opened her mouth to argue, but I cut her off. "Please, you left me behind, Celestia, forgot all about me. After he disappeared, I was stolen, passed about, handed down, and lost for centuries at a time."

She raised her head, mouth set into a neutral line. "For the last five hundred years, you've been a centerpiece of Star Swirl's hall, a part of his legacy. Doesn't that show my remembrance?"

"Something you had to be forced into, through emotional blackmail no less."Really grateful for that, Shimmer, you little rascal. The shocked and somewhat ashamed expression on her face drew murmurs from the remaining crowd. Whether it was from her implied callousness or my audacity to say so, I didn't know or care. "You never cared one whit for me or my well-being before, so why should I believe in this sudden change of heart?"

"Because the princess isn't some huge creep holding a bunch of ponies hostage ‘cause of some stupid grudge you probably deserved!"

I looked at Rainbow, the cyan pegasus just itching to clobber me at the first opportunity. My eyes involuntarily narrowed. Little filly, you hadn't the first clue about my 'grudge.' Not that it mattered, though. I was the bad guy, after all.

I gave a sickly sweet smile. "City hostage, actually. Should cover most of the mountainside."

Every pony in the room immediately reared back, whinnies combining into a low roar. The noise nearly drowned out the disbelieving whimper from the small, lavender mare that had backed into the protective embrace of her friends.

"Mr. Wordsworth, you wouldn't really..."

I glanced at her. "Don't worry, Sparky." Her ears unflattened, her eyes growing hopeful. My following smile could've frozen a cockatrice. "I can't speak for anyone else, but your family will be perfectly safe from harm."

That look of betrayal! I was going to have to apologize so hard after this. Curse those pony eyes!

Celestia moved to shelter Twilight with her wing and fixed me with a piercing glare. I matched it, spark for spark. "Tick tock on the clock, princess. You have..." I peered at the clock on the bomb tumbling in front of me. "...less than two minutes to accept before things go boom. You try to evacuate, things go boom. You call Luna, things go boom. Anyone else tries anything... boom."

Celestia was still. Her body language changed - her shoulders relaxed, her eyes drained of tension, the electrified atmosphere around her discharged. Trying a different tactic, were we?

"Booker," she said softly, gently. "Think about this. You wouldn't hurt anypony just to get revenge on me. You're not that kind of pony, the type to intentionally hurt others to get his way. So please, put the bomb away. Come with me, we can discuss this like a couple of civilized beings."

I was silent. My gaze locked on the floor. My arm holding the bomb wavered.

She took a step forward, her hoof clacking as it landed on the tiled floor. "Booker?"

My whole body began to shake, my emotions beginning to explode outward.

"Booker?" she repeated. Another step. "I know that you-"

I threw my head up, a gale of mad, tortured laughter originating from deep inside my gut and ripping out of my throat. Everypony except for Celestia took a step back as I continued, tears leaking out from my screwed-shut eyes. When I opened them, they were a blue inferno, even brighter than the cold fury I'd directed at Discord. Wisps of blue flame leaked from their corners.

"Know? Know?" I thundered. "What do you 'know' of me, Celestia? What did you ever know of me? You never knew me, never even tried to! To you, I was nothing more than a worthless bug who got in the way of you pursuing a crush that would never come to fruition! I was just an obstacle, an annoyance, a threat to your pride!"

"Then focus your wrath on me! Don't bring my innocent ponies into your vendetta!"

The beautiful, gracious, self-sacrificial savior, taking it all on herself like a martyr.

Sound as sincere as you like, you're still an utter fake.

I didn't know how much of the heat in my words was just my role and how much was real. "Too late for that! You took my future, my life, my hope! You destroyed my chance of going back to what I once knew and then swept away my chance to make something new!"

"It was inevitable, Booker! It never would have worked the way that you wanted!"

"How would you know?! Was it your trial, your life, your everything on the line?"

"I just knew!"

"Why? Because you're the infallible Celestia, the perfect sun goddess?"

"Yes!"

The belief, the whole-hearted arrogance of one who thought they knew better than anyone else. That they had all the answers simply because it was them. That they were just right. The needy cries of a self-cocky teen, a presumptuous brat, a child.

Even after three thousand years, you haven't changed a bit, Solana.

I sighed heavily, all of the fury bleeding out of me, leaving only an empty feeling. "This is getting tiresome. I gave you a time limit, and you wasted it on pointless pedantics and pandering. So here's the deal." I put the finger to the second hand. "You have ten seconds. Accept or not, it's all on you. Do anything else and, well..." I shrugged. "You know." I flicked the dial. "Start."

The countdown began.

While the rest of the hall fell into chaos, I focused all of my being on the alicorn shooting me a stare of mixed emotions. I smiled grimly. "Seven seconds, better hurry."

C'mon, Solana, you always believed the worst of me.

"Booker, if you-"

"Five seconds." I yawned.

How much worse could I get?

"If you even-"

"Three." I cracked my neck.

Take the bait.

"I swear-"

"One."

"Alright!"

My finger stopped the hand mid-motion. "Then we have a deal?"

Celestia scrunched up her nose in disgust before releasing her breath. "Yes, I officially accept your challenge. Now please." Her eyes were desperate and pleading. She walked up to me and leaned down. "Don't hurt my little ponies. Let go of it."

"Nah, I think I'll hold onto it." I tucked the bomb under my arm and gave it a pat. "Make sure you don't back out."

Her wings spread out, her nostrils flaring. "I gave you my word!"

"And we both know what that's worth." I scoffed and turned up my nose. "Please, I trust you as far as I can throw you." Craning my head around, I raised an eyebrow at the doughiness of her flanks. "And I'd say that would be considerably less now, after all the cakes you've scarfed down over the last few centuries. I remember you being a lot more... trim."

She blushed in faint embarrassment. Wow, maid scuttlebutt for the win. Celestia shook her mane, the flush fading. "Very well," she said in frustration. "But at least allow me to remove the citizenry so that they're not caught up."

I smiled. "Sure, sure, get them out of here. No need for them to get involved personally." I didn't have to tell her that it was pointless to try and get them to run away - the blast radius was large enough to render that plan moot. When she went to give the orders, I added, "Be sure to excuse the guards, too." I gave a simpering look at her disgruntled one. "Wouldn't want them to foolishly try to sacrifice themselves for their great leader."

As the guards ushered out the few nobles and commoners that hadn't made a break for it earlier, I got an earful from Night Light as he tried to run me down. "Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have trusted you. I should've kicked your skull in the moment I - ah!" He was jerked back as a purple glow yanked on his ear.

Velvet smiled capriciously as she gave a few more sharp pulls with her telekinesis. "Now, now, Nighty," she said softly, though her eyes belied a sharpness that even I didn't feel like crossing. "Don't interrupt Teller's attempt to overthrow our beloved ruler. It'll be such a story to tell when it's over."

"Not if I have anything to - ow!"

"Come along now. We have to tidy up the guestroom for Teller if he's not beaten to a pulp and locked away in the dungeon." Velvet waved at me as she dragged her husband out by the ear. "Bye, Teller! Have fun in your duel to the pain and shame with the princess!"

"See ya, Velvet!" I waved back. "I'll see you tonight if I don't throw all of Equestria into anarchy and/or get arrested and horribly tortured!"

She giggled as she left, an invective-spewing Night Light being dragged on his butt behind her. Little filly knew exactly what I was doing. Showed how well Celestia knew me if a pony who only knew of me through folklore and family tales could read me better than one with nearly sixty years of personal experience.

When the rest of the hall was cleared, I turned to face Celestia. I blinked. "Oh, right, you're still here."

"Course we're still here! Wouldn't do ta let a slimy snake like ya ta face offa the princess by her lonesome!"

"Yeah! We'll kick your butt in ten seconds flat!"

"It's... it's not a nice thing, what you're doing. So... so even if I'm scared, I won't let you keep being bad."

"Well said, my dear. It is a lady's job to properly discipline ruffians such as this one."

"Well, if Rarity's doing it, I guess I have no choice but to back her up!"

"Cheater! I'll have to show you the true power of the emergency stash!"

"Even if you're really are Mr. Wordsworth, I can't let you do anything to Princess Celestia. It's my duty as her number one pupil!"

Faced with such a display of defiant solidarity, there was only one thing I could do.

I shrugged. "Okay then."

I could hear the hero gear in their mental transmission grind out. Villains weren't supposed to just accept their rebellious attitude so readily. It went completely against the grain of narrative causality!

Eh, I was getting bored of playing the villain card anyway, so... meh.

"Wait... seriously?" apple pony said slowly.

"Yeah?" I said, slightly confused at their confusion. "I mean, you're the Elements of Harmony. You're national heroes. Why wouldn't you be here?" I tapped the corner of my mouth. "Though I don't know why you're so adamant about beating me. It's not like I'm trying to destroy Equestria or anything. I'm just gonna beat the batter out of Princess Cakebutt behind you."

"You'll try," Cakebutt muttered darkly.

"Didn't you just threaten all of Canterlot to coerce the princess to fight you?" said Rarity, squiggly hair still perfectly coifed even after all the fights. "And are still holding onto said threat?"

"Huh? Ah, right." I pulled the bomb up roughly, the others involuntarily flinching. "Can't really expect to have a good fight if I'm lugging this around." I scanned the mares and young drake, finding a suitable target. "Hey, you, catch!" I lobbed the bomb.

"Eek! Oh my, oh my, oh my!"

"Fluttershy!"

"Now be very, very careful," I warned. "Jostle it much more and it'll go off early, and that would ruin the surprise."

Fluttershy's eyes glistened with unshed tears as she cradled the bomb close to her chest. Her hoof on the clock face was the only thing preventing the second hand from reaching zero. With pony dexterity (or even the drake's stubby claws), there was no way they'd be able to take it from her without it activating. The butter-colored pony was the world's most lethally adorable trigger.

While the pony's friends rushed to comfort and keep her calm, Celestia trotted up to me. Her eyes' heat had reversed and had become ice cold. "You have changed," she said, a hint of regret in her icy tone. "Even you would have never sunk so low before."

I smiled bitterly and clenched my scarf. "Like I said, Celestia, three thousand years does that. My wound has festered and needs to be cleaned out." An incisor peaked out from my lips. "With fire and blood if need be."

"You truly are a demon."

"Youkai," I corrected primly. "Demons are much more stuck up." I swept my hat off in a mock bow. "Shall we begin?"

"Do I have much of a choice?"

Several more incisors popped out. "Not really."

"Then fine, let the duel begin."

Both Celestia and I sprang backwards from the magical circle that spun into existence between us.

The circular rune was inscribed in Equus, English and Japanese, each language repeating the same thing. Smaller runes with the kanji for 'danmaku' and 'spell card' rotated in geometric patterns around the inside of the circle.

I raised an eyebrow. "Huh... that's new." Normally, a spell card battle just started with one side blasting the other in the face... or stabbing them... or stepping on them. You know - directly! What was with all of the theatrics? I mean, I had just put on quite the show, but I expected the actual battle to begin once we started slugging each other.

Celestia eyed the circle cautiously. "What manner of trickery is this, Booker?"

"Hey, don't look at me. I didn't cause this." I scratched the back of my neck. "I think?"

The circle flashed, new words appearing on it.

In front of the both of us, title cards appeared in mid-air. I glanced at mine. It was written in intricate calligraphy and looked like a 2-D hologram, the correct side facing away from me. I could still read it in reverse.

A smaller title card smashed into it, slightly askew from the impact.

Oh ha ha, stone humor. I looked at Celestia's title card, wondering if hers was done in a similar fashion. I wasn't disappointed.

I smirked even as she glared at and moved to punt it. A smaller one dove in as if placating her.

Her hoof stopped mid-kick, and she coughed to hide her temporary loss of temper. She turned to me. "Still insist you're not the cause of this?"

"Hey, just because you can't handle a joke doesn't mean it's my fault. It's not like I'm trying to be as rand-" I stopped and drew in my lips. "...huh."

"Booker..."

So, yeah, maybe there were a few more side-effects to absorbing copious amounts of chaos magic than I'd initially thought... or even considered at all. Hey, when you're presented with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and the alternative is an eternity of stasis and re-eventual insanity, you tend to not care about what could happen afterwards.

Though given the look Celestia was trying to incinerate me with, I had some explaining to do before she snapped and inexplicably regained control of the artifact Elements and rainbow-splattered me across the walls, floors, and ceilings.

And that's when the music started to play.

It wasn't just me hearing it, either. The others' ears swiveled to discern where it was coming from. My face went blank as I recognized the song playing -

Emotional Skyscraper ~ Cosmic Mind.

Comparing Celestia to Byakuren, basically youkai Jesus? Ok, yeah, it was definitely the chaos magic messing with me; no way was I going to accept that as this battle's theme song. Discord was going to get his friendly visits a lot more than just ‘occasionally’ when this was over. I had so many other great songs to share with him.

Besides, I would've chosen Nuclear Fusion.

Before anyone could say anything else, the runic circle spun again and flashed one more time.

My hand was already shooting up, yanking my scarf off to reveal my mouth. I stuck my tongue out, the kanji for 'kotodama' shining like a beacon for all to see.

"Bang."

The world around me shattered into shards of light.