//------------------------------//
// Ridiculous Game 
// Story: Fairy Tale Breakdown 
// by Irritus185 
//------------------------------//

"You didn't have to hit me that hard."

I looked up from picking up one of the magical apparatuses scattered around the room. Star Swirl was rubbing at the lovely goose egg welling up between his eyes. He had the expression of a chastised child that'd been caught red-handed and was now pouting over his punishment.

I had no sympathy. "I warned you what would happen if you poked me again." I used the tone of voice usually reserved for when my niece acted up. "You have only yourself to blame."

"But... but maaaagiiiic..."

"No. Poking."

"Oh, very well," he huffed. "You'd think you'd allow a little poking after nearly destroying my house and atelier."

"And that's why I'm helping to clean up," I said forcefully. I took another look around the room. My entry really wrecked the place - a giant hole in the wall; bits of wood, stone, and plaster all over; thick sheaves of paper, no doubt holding the stallion's research notes, scattered about; and more magical baubles than I could shake my grimoire at just everywhere.

I held back a wince. "I really am sorry, by the way."

"Don't worry about it," he waved off with a hoof. "It's nothing worse than I've done myself. My research isn't exactly the safest or most stable, so collateral damage is something I'm well acquainted with. The number of times I've had to regrow my beard are too numerous to count." He studied the damaged wall. "Though I do believe this is the first time I've had an explosion going in rather than out."

"I'm still sorry," I said. Really, I was. As apathetic to social niceties as I could be, I'd not only committed severe property damage, but also might've damaged the pony's research. I understood what it was like to possibly lose something you'd poured sweat, blood, and tears into, especially during my Master's program when I’d literally jumped my friend after he'd pretended to delete my final thesis. "I'll do as much as I can to pay you back. Both for the damage and for not dissecting me."

"You mean dissection is back on the table?" he asked excitedly, ears swiveling and tail wagging. The look I gave him was his answer. "Er, that was a joke. I would never dissect another sapient creature to further my studies, even if I would put him back together as he was."

Sure you wouldn't.

I rolled my eyes and made to grab a glass ball that looked like it was full of webs of light.

"Ah, I wouldn't touch that if I were you."

I froze, my fingers mere centimeters away from touching the orb. "Why?" I asked, eyeing it warily.

"That's an untested, experimental device of mine," he explained. He pulled a butterfly net out with his magical aura and scooped the orb up with it. Star Swirl deposited the ball in a trunk with more locks and chains on it than a JRPG character. "When activated, it either reverses the user's personal flow of time for thirty seconds... or it makes them sneeze out their lower intestines. I'm not sure, I haven't found a test sub... I mean pony to try it out yet."

"Uh-huh," I mumbled, suddenly noticing all the other murderkill devices thrown about the room. I carefully tiptoed away from the largest concentration of them. "You don't say..."

He nodded. "Yes, in fact I-" Star Swirl perked up. "Actually, would you mind terribly if-"

"Not interested."

"Oh. Well, horseapples."

I smirked at his aggravated tone. I realized something then, something I really should've thought of before started warding off Star Swirl's 'study' attempts. "Hey, Star Swirl?"

He split his attention between me and the papers he was trying to collate. "Yes?"

"How come nobody else is here? I mean..." I looked around. "Your house did explode. Isn't anyone worried that you might be hurt? At the very least, shouldn't other... ponies be checking things out? Especially since you said you're such a bigwig."

He chuckled. "No need to worry. Despite my prestige, I prefer to live at the edge of the unicorn settlement. It gives me the privacy and silence I need to further my studies." He finished tidying up the pile of papers and set it down on a lopsided bookshelf. "Besides, I did say my experiments have a tendency to cause a lot of noise. A larger-than-average boom won't cause much alarm. Ah, pick up my Poking Stick, will you? It'll get dusty where you left it."

I picked the stick up from where'd I tossed it after smacking him. "So I don't have to worry about the town guard or anything paying a visit?"

"The only one who comes around with any regularity is my assistant, but she's currently on a diplomatic mission to the griffon lands with the unicorn ambassador, so she shouldn't be back for a couple weeks." He tapped his chin as if remembering something. "No, wait, there was another one - a young unicorn mare. Rather powerful filly, the Celestial Circle mentioned bringing her in to help move the sun…"

Wait, was that who I thought it was?

"Hey, does her name happen to be-"

"Star Swirl, are you alright?!"

Had the door been unharmed from my initial impact, it certainly wasn't now. The wooden structure exploded inward. Behind the pile of fresh kindling was an alabaster unicorn mare with a flowing pink mane. I could just make out the image of a sun rising on her flanks. Holy crud, it was a pre-alicorn Celestia!

"Ah, Solana, you seemed to have shattered my door... again." Star Swirl sounded rather perturbed at that. What, an alien destroying his lab didn't make him bat an eye, but one measly door annoyed him? Then again, it sounded like it was a repeat performance. Maybe if...

...wait, did he say 'Solana?' So she wasn't Celestia? Then who was...

The unicorn's eyes flashed between my hand carrying the Poking Stick and the welt on Star Swirl's forehead. She flared up. I mean literally flared up - her main and tail were on fire! Solana stared me straight in the eyes, snorting furiously, her hooves pawing at the ground.

...boy, she looked pissed.

"Vile fiend!" she bellowed, nearly blowing me over with sheer volume. "How dare you visit harm upon the great Star Swirl?! And upon his glorious crown, no less! Why, one strike and the entire pony race would lose one hundred years of progress!"

"I'm not that fragile, you know," Star Swirl mumbled.

She wasn't listening. "I don't know what manner of beast you are, uncomely as your face is, be you sickened minotaur or other, but know that I won't tolerate what you have done here!"

Wait, did she just call me ugly? "Look," I said slowly, putting my hands out in a placating motion. "There's a bit of a mistake here. I didn't really hurt him too bad. He just kept poking me and I lost my temper so-"

"So you admit to it!" Solana roared. "Then stand firm and take your righteous punishment, demon!" She lowered her head and light began to coalesce around her horn, her back legs tensing to shoot forward.

"Whoa, whoa! Wait a second!" I took a shaky step backwards. I glanced at Star Swirl in desperation. "Star Swirl, help me out here! Tell her it's just a misunderstanding!"

He gave me a mixed look of pity and sympathy. "Good luck," he said, his tone telling me that any help on his part would be a fruitless endeavor.

"Prepare yourself!" Solana said, her back legs kicking off.

I didn't care if this Solana was Celestia or just some other pony enamored with Star Swirl. I didn't care that retaliating may just deepen the misunderstanding or make things worse. All I cared about was that I had a creature that could bend the primordial forces of nature to her will and was pointing a six-inch-long pigsticker in the direction of my colon really wanting to hurt me. So I did what anyone with a healthy preservation instinct would do when she came leaping at me.

I broke the Poking Stick over her head.





There are two things you must understand about pony culture.

One, they are almost suicidally lax when it comes to predicting and preparing for danger. I don't mean little dangers, like an errant thunderstorm or anything along those lines; heck, with each type controlling a part of nature it's easier to say they micro-manage trivial dangers on a national scale.

No, I'm talking about the large-scale dangers that happen on a disturbingly frequent basis - the vengeful moon goddess, the mad chaos god, the insidious bug queen, the corrupted crystal emperor... the pink one. You'd think after the first world-destroying super-villain appeared, they'd make plans to deal with the next one (and there's always a next one when your world runs on a vague 'good' concept like harmony).

But no, they didn't. They reacted the exact same way every time - panicking and dumping the problem into the laps of the Elements. I mean, I understood why - they were a children's cartoon; they had to get the heroes to solve every problem. It made sense for a children's series.

Now that it was real, it was both silly and very frightening.

The second thing you need to know about ponies is that they really loved their celebrations. Not surprising for a species that could and would burst into joyous song at the drop of a hat or had a member that suffered a psychotic-break if she went partyless for more than twenty-four hours. So yeah, if they had a reason to hold a celebration, then like Tartarus were they not going to take it.

The defeat of a foe that threatened the entire world and was only previously beaten by the combined talents of two immortal princesses was a good reason.

So it was not much of a surprise that not even three days after Discord and I broke out, the princesses were holding an award ceremony for his re-sealing by Twilight and friends. Also, not surprising, I had gotten into the castle as an extra with Velvet and Night Light with minimal fuss.

Canterlot security was ridiculously bad. No wonder the changelings took over in five minutes flat.

After stepping past the security checkpoint into the main foyer, I set my gaze on Night Light. "Did you really have to say my skin condition was virulently contagious?" I asked crossly, my voice muffled.

Looking snazzy in his suit and bowtie, Night Light ruined his image of a low-rank noble by snorting roughly. "What? It stopped him from checking you any further. Besides, it was your choice to come in here with that ridiculous get-up."

My eyes narrowed behind my mask, a facsimile of a minotaur's muzzle. While ponies might've been gullible, they weren't stupid; walking in without any kind of disguise would've gotten me surrounded faster than ants on a picnic. So pretending to be a minotaur friend with a horrific skin problem was the best way to explain my appearance.

Dang it, it was like Classical era pony society all over again.

"Dissuade him, probably. Make me think he would quarantine me, definitely."

"Ah, you would've been fine. A brisk shower and magical search, and you would be back none the worse for wear."

I was about to say something back about his questionable heritage and hygiene, but Velvet interrupted, saying, "Now, now, Nighty, don't poke fun at him." She turned to me. "I think your outfit's very nice, Teller. Makes you look all mysterious and dashing."

I lifted my arms, the finely-embroidered poncho I'd created rising off the ground to show my quite hoofless feet, and gave a quick spin. "Why thank you, Velvet. It's nice to know someone appreciates my fashion sense."

"Sure, you'd get along just fine with what's supposedly noble fashion," Night Light added. "The mask definitely helps."

I stuck my nose up. "Why I never!" I turned on my heel and stomped away from the flow of ponies heading to the royal reception hall, my long gait and tall stature (well, compared to ponies) making it easy to move quickly out of the masses.

"Hey, where do you think you're going?" Night Light shouted over the crowd.

"To go decontaminate myself!" I yelled back. "I think my skin might be sloughing off as we speak!"

"Don't you go causing trouble!" His voice grew fainter as he was swept along with the crowd. "Buck it, Booker! I'm warning you! I-hey, stop pushing! What are you-!" He disappeared around the corner. Velvet waved goodbye to me as she turned it, too, giggling deviously.

Little mare knew me all too well. What kind of rogue was I in her stories?

Probably the kind that did what I was about to do - cause horseappletons of nuclear-grade mischief.

I hadn't been idle after my reawakening. Between story sessions with Velvet and convincing Night Light I wasn't going to destroy Equestria, I'd spent time getting reacquainted with my powers, and discovering a few new ones as well. Guess that's what happens when you spend nearly sixty years under the mistaken notion of what your powers actually were and then another three thousand not able to actually test them - you find yourself with a couple new tricks up your sleeves.

One of them made it real easy to sneak through the castle. Considering how many notes, confidential papers, staff orders, and secret documents that circulated the place (not to mention the books; oh ZUN, the books!), even if the place's guard wasn't a joke, it still would have been a cinch to completely avoid the patrol patterns.

Kinda hard to be caught skulking the halls when you're never in them.

Thanks to that, I'd found several more of my soul books scattered around the palace. My awakening must've activated them somehow, because it was like hearing a siren's call, and it only got stronger the longer I took to find them. Where they were located mostly made sense - a few in the other library wings, a couple in the higher-up servants' quarters, even a cookbook in the kitchen (what? I liked earth pony seasonings) - but the one in the royal bedchambers? And on that subject? Why would-

No, no, I didn't want to know.

However, as useful as it'd been to scout out the insides of the castle, it wasn't as helpful in getting me to where I was heading now. Not much writing in the royal gardens, after all. Plus, watches and access to that section had been tightened after Discord's sealing. So now, with a city-wide celebration underway and most of the guards shifted to look after the guests, both commoner and VIP, this was the best time to do what I needed.

The gardens were a beautiful and serene scene to behold. It was no wonder the place was such a hot spot for social gatherings amongst the rich and influential. You'd never guess that this was also the site that fleeing woodland creatures, rampaging changeling swarms, twisted abominations of nature and physics, and rabid party-crashers would visit. Granted, most of that stuff hadn't happened yet, but still - gentle-looking place for such happenstances of havoc.

It didn't take me long to find Discord's statue. He was in the middle of a clearing (the same one he'd broken out of, I think, in fact), the only thing 'guarding' him a flimsy barrier of a velvet rope strung across thick posts driven into the ground. A delicately written sign reading, "Please Do Not Touch," was hung off the rope.

And as far as I could tell, that was it. No guard post, no magical alarm, nothing. No wonder Discord was able to free himself because of three fillies having a silly argument - there was nothing else holding him back other than a little lack of dissonance.

Speaking of which, I had to think up a gift to give to the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Even indirectly, they’d helped free me as well. Maybe a heartfelt 'thank you' card. Or a tasteful fruit basket. Or a bazooka.

Bore thinking on later.

I easily stepped over the not-even waist-high barricade and ambled up to Discord. Just like I remembered from the show, his face was a mix of shock and horror. Just vaguely, I could make out the flow of magic behind his granite shell.

I smiled. It was not a kind one.

"Hello, Discord, it's a pleasure to meet you." I removed my hat and placed it to my chest, allowing my mask to dematerialize and giving a short bow. "You probably don't know me. That's okay, I was gone long before you came out to have fun. You can call me Booker if you'd like. Or if you weren't, y'know, a statue." I grinned lopsidedly.

There was a small thrum of power, jittering and quick. Looked like someone was getting impatient and wanted me to get to the point.

"Forgive me, I'm getting off-topic. What I came here for was to thank you. Because of your raucous little outing, I managed to free myself after a very long time. I'm here to repay the favor."

The thrum blossomed, becoming a deep boom. I smiled again and then put a finger to my lips, eyes screwed shut.

"However, I'm having a bit of a conundrum. You see, during your escapades, you took great delight in breaking a young filly, relishing in how you turned her friends against themselves, exulting in twisting inside-out their very natures and virtues. You nearly destroyed her soul, and so, here is the problem..." I placed my hat back on my head and opened my eyes.

They blazed as bright as the sun and as blue as the noon sky. The thrum faltered.

"I don't care much about the others. I don't have any vested interest in them. But I am rather fond of that purple, precocious, precious pony. I adore her, Discord, her and her kin. You hurt her. I don't appreciate that. I have nearly all a mind to just smash you to dust and be done with it. Return you to the void from whence you came - where all is nothing and all is the same. A fate which, for you, would not be a pleasant one."

You ought not have hurt the blood that bore you, spawn of stars. I was not a merciful judge. But as much I may have wanted to, my oath and spirit would not allow me. Sometimes it really sucked to have morals.

Still didn't mean I couldn't exact appropriate punishment.

I slowly unwrapped my scarf from my neck. "So I appear to be at an impasse. You helped me, but hurt someone close to me in at the same time. I'm not ungrateful, but I don't find it wise to reward those that defy me, however unintentionally." I grinned. For anypony looking (like one statute), they might've noticed there were too many teeth showing, many of which were a little too sharp and pointy. "You see, we youkai are the vindictive sort, so I am going to help you, Discord - I'm going to teach you a lesson."

The pulse stopped for a few moments before it burst into rapid, successive claps.

I sighed and shook my head. "Why is it that children never listen to the sage advice of their elders? Whether in this world or the next, some things never change. Come now, Discord, you're a bit too old for your rebellious phase. This is a good learning experience. I'm going to teach you all about friendship!"

The pulse stopped and then doubled in intensity.

I frowned, disappointed in his lack of appreciation. "Really, I would think you of all people would be interested in the power of friendship. It did defeat you, after all. I mean, friendship is amazing! It can scorch or sooth the spirit, heal or harm the soul, harden or soften the heart - so many conflicting and yet beautiful emotions are because of and caused by friendship! And I'm going to show them all to you, my new bestest friend!"

I spread my arms wide. "So let me adorn you with a crown of flowers..." A ring of daisy links plopped on his head. "Shelter you with a cloak of rainbows..." A literal technicolor cloak fluttered around his shoulders. "And show you the true magic of music. Give me an ol' timey 1905 Berliner Gramophone!"

The older record player phased into existence next to the statue. I whispered something under my breath and a small 12-inch record appeared in my hands. I placed it on the turntable, put the needle on the groove, and hovered my hand above the crank.

"Allow me to show you that no matter the differences between individuals, we're actually quite similar; no matter how we may hurt each other because of varying beliefs, our hopes and dreams aren't that divergent; and no matter how vast the distance between our hearts, really, it's actually a pretty small world after all."

I turned the crank.

The music of the saccharine devil leaked like poisonous molasses from the gramophone's speaker. The thrum of power lessened and then nearly died off, leaving only the silence of one who received a revelation far too late.

"I'm gonna be your best friend," I said happily. Again, there was the flash of too many teeth. "I'm going to show you to use your chaos for good, how others will appreciate and not fear it, and that you're really just a big softy underneath that crusty exterior. I'll always be near - watching, listening, ready to lend a helping hand whenever need be." I pulled my scarf off my neck, threw it around Discord's, and leaned in close, nose almost just touching muzzle.

"Imma love and tolerate the fuck outta ya."

I think I heard a whimper. It made me feel all warm inside.

The tender moment was ruined by a strangled gasp of surprise coming from behind me. I pulled my scarf off Discord and rewrapped it around myself as I turned around in one smooth, fluid motion. Didn't need to freak out my unexpected guest with my chompers now, did I?

The royal guard was a few meters away, hovering his spear in his telekinetic grip. By his hooves was a spilled platter of hors d'oeuvres. So there was a gap in security because he wanted some palace party victuals? Looked like someone was going to get latrine duty for a year!

"Who are you? Verify your-" He met my eyes. "Oh my Celestia..."

What? What was wrong? Why was he... Oh shoot, I was still shining the youkai eyes of doom! He was going to think I was some demon attacking the castle! ...not like the misconception was that far off from the truth, but it still rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, who did he think he was, judging-

"What's wrong with your face?" the unicorn asked in disgust. "It looks like your muzzle fell off! And why are your eyes so small?"

...okay, yeah, I was done here; this running gag was getting old.

I patted Discord on his stony cheek. "See ya later, buddy. I've got an award ceremony to get to. But I'll be back soon, promise."

The guard was not pleased with me ignoring him. "Halt! This is a restricted area! Hands on your head! Get down on the ground!"

"Sorry, but I've got places to be and people to see." I pulled my scarf in closer. "Don't got time to deal with ya."

"That wasn't a request," the guard growled. His horn glowed with the charge of some spell. "By orders of the royal guard, you are to come with me and explain what you-"

Nope, definitely didn't have time for this crud. I made a throwing motion. "Silken cast net."

The finely woven net covered the guard. He squawked in surprise, his spell fizzling out from the net's sudden appearance. The weighted ends tangled around his legs and head, making it difficult to move. However, he was still a trained guard, and was already charging up a new spell to deal with the situation. I took the brief opportunity granted by his shock to rush in and slap his horn.

"Inhibitor ring."

The aetheric blocker coalesced around his horn, sucking away and reflecting the accumulated magic he'd been gathering. The unicorn gave a brief yowl in pain before he collapsed as the magical rebound momentarily scrambled his brains. He wouldn't suffer any lasting effects - maybe a migraine for the rest of the day, but nothing too serious. I didn't like hurting ponies if I didn't have to.

Though now that I knew guards might come wandering back in after raiding the buffet table, it was time for me to get going. I moved at a brisk pace out of the gardens towards the castle.

I'd barely made it out of Discord's clearing and the nearby topiary when a piercing whistle sounded from behind me. I looked over my shoulder to see the downed guard had had enough sense to use non-magical means to alert the others to me.

Huh, so they were getting smarter. Never would've had unicorns think to do that during Classical times. Stopping their magic was like cutting off any means of action for them. I was both proud and frustrated by that advancement.

With the next few minutes, it was mostly the latter as a stampede of guards chased me through the gardens. Dang it, for creatures with such tiny legs they were such fast runners!

"Halt! In the name of the princesses!" one of the guards at the front of the pack ordered out to me.

"Ain't my princesses! They can kiss my big, ol'-whoa!"

A guard coming from around the bend of a row of hedges nearly took my head off with a well-placed staff strike. I managed to dodge, but the loss of momentum allowed the other guards chasing me to finally catch up. The next minute or so was a blur of me weaving out of staff strikes, mana blasts, hoof thrusts, and bodily tackles.

Once again, I really didn't feel like hurting any of them. They were just doing their jobs to arrest an extremely suspicious intruder running around in the most important place in Equestria; couldn't blame them for that.

Still didn't mean I wasn't getting annoyed by their unending zerg rush on me even after I kept tying them up via bolos, nets, and the occasional over-sized flypaper trap.

I'll grant them this: the royal guards, while statistically useless in actual emergences, were pretty good when working as a team to take on a single opponent. On the scale of power, they were still pretty down in the dregs as even a swarm of them didn't activate the Rules, but they were trying enough to keep me on my toes. It was probably only due to all those years of learning to graze attacks from beings so far above them they were barely gnats that allowed me to avoid all of their attacks with a modicum of grace.

However, several millennia is a long time, and not fighting for that long made my dodging skills rusty. After tossing one pegasus aside, I caught my foot in one of my own traps and pitched forward. Matched with one lucky spear placement and I found myself tripping face first into a spearhead. The look of horror on the guard's face as he realized he was about to kill me was both adorable and heartwarming.

He needn't have worried.

My vision exploded into a thousand directions. The world became multi-faceted kaleidoscope as I saw both everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Cruising upward and across, I landed a several dozen feet away from the guard pile and reformed back into a physical body.

I immediately puked out my breakfast. Aww... and Velvet had worked so hard making those wheat pancakes that morning. She even used her homemade syrup. That was such a waste...

Say what you will about teleportation spells' tendency to cause nausea, they had nothing on getting deconstructed into thousands of literal shining words. Keeping my mind intact even for those few seconds was an immense trial of mental fortitude. A neat escape trick, but not a fun one. Using preexisting words as a medium helped a great deal, but turning into language without being written on anything was nearly insane.

Well, I had already tipped over the edge about eight centuries back, so I guess the point was moot.

I spit a couple times and... wait, were those red boxes with 'P' emboldened on them? That was... huh. That was weird. I should get that looked at later.

You know, when I wasn't being chased by a couple dozen pony guards.

"What in Equestria was that?!"

"That wasn't normal magic!"

"It was found near the statue of Discord! It may be a cohort of his!"

"Quick, don't let it near the castle! Protect the princesses and their guests!"

Oh, great, now they thought I was buddy-buddies with Discord. Well, I mean, I was now, but not back when he was raining chocolaty terror across the land. That was a logical fallacy and I didn't approve of it!

I didn't bother giving them any time to gain ground on me again. I took to the air. There was no point in trying to avoid attention now by sneaking along the ground, I'd already gotten quite a bit by this point. Several of the pegasus guards took flight after me. Which really sucked, because while I was more agile then them in the air, they were definitely much faster than me. So I only had a little bit of time before they’d bring me down.

I took full advantage of it. I zoomed off, looking for my final destination. It quickly came into view.

Aiming straight for the stained-glass window depicting Celestia’s and Luna's defeat of Discord, I braced myself to smash right through it. Yes, it was petty, but it's not like I cared if I ticked the two off.

It was only right before I hit it that I realized something - one, that while stained-glass on average was only about one-eighth an inch thick, the blueprints I'd poured over in the castle stated that the ones in the reception hall were easily two to three times that. Two, every bit of the castle was magically reinforced in case of outside attack... exactly like I was doing now.

As my bones smooshed into the very unbroken glass window, all I could think of was how inertia was such an unforgiving bitch.

That thought easily quadrupled when the pursuing pegasi couldn't stop in time and smashed into me from behind, their combined momentum and weight enough to break through the glass and send us all tumbling into the royal hall.

My mind raced to find something that would prevent the pegasi from breaking every bone in their bodies when we reached the floor and latched onto the first one that popped up.

"Mr. Bouncy's Super-Colossal Bounce House O’ Fun!"

There was a giant popping noise as I and several hundred pounds of pegasi and armor impacted the large, bright, yellow-and-blue bouncy house with a happy clown's face that appeared in the middle of floor at nearly terminal velocity. With a sad whine, the children's playtoy deflated onto itself before disappearing into a collection of sparkles.

Besides what was going to be the worst collection of bruises and ouchies ever, none of the guards seemed to be seriously injured from the fall. I extricated myself from the pile and got up on my feet.

"We're okay!" I shouted to the shell-shocked crowd watching. "Nothing to see here, move along." I made shooing motions with my hands. They made no movement other than to keep staring at me in shock. I frowned and put my hands on my hips. "What, you never saw a handsome devil like me crash a party before?"

"...Booker?"

I twitched. That voice. It was calmer than I remembered, less likely for the owner to just go off half-cocked, older, and more full-bodied... but there was no way I could ever forget that voice.

I turned to face the throne. There stood a pony that, including the foot-long swirling horn on her head, was nearly as tall as me. Her pure white fur gleamed in the light of the sun, her ephemerally waving mane and tail a transfixing collection of dawn colors. On her flanks was the image of a proud sun rising up to bathe everyone in its welcoming light...

She was regal, every bit the royalty that her title exclaimed. She was a leader of her people, a shining star that lit the way in the darkness of the night. She was intoxicating to look upon.

It took every strand of my being not to go and punch her in the muzzle.

Her elegant jaw was hanging down ever so slightly, mouth slightly agape. "Is that really you?"

"Why so surprised to see me, Celestia?" I asked, holding back the bitterness in my voice. "I said I'd be back, right? Not like you tried to help me along or anything."

"But... but when did you..." This was probably the first time in a long while that anypony had seen their beloved leader completely lost for words, and I was relishing every moment of it.

"Why, didn't you know? I've been out for a few days now. You'd know if you came by to visit me every once in a while, but I guess you're too busy running a country to see an old friend."

"But how did you..." Her eyes narrowed as she began to gather her wits back up. "Discord."

"Bingo." As much as I disliked her, she always was a bright mare. Figuring out how I'd been freed was simple to someone like her. "Funny how one of the greatest threats to Equestria could give me more help than you ever did. Not much of a ruler, are ya? Or is all your benevolence meant for only your little ponies?"

Reel in the melodrama, idiot. This wasn't what you were here for. You didn't have to make even more of a scene than you had already.

"Booker, I-" If I didn't know any better, I would've thought she looked genuinely apologetic. But I did, and the 'Celestia' I knew never apologized... for anything.

"Oh save it, Celestia." I said her name like it was some vile poison. "I am here for you, but you're playing second fiddle for my attention right now. Who I'm really interested in is..." My eyes roved to the group of multi-colored young mares and small drake standing in front of the alicorn, specifically the lavender-colored one in the center who was looking at me with a mixture of fright, determination, and vague recognition.

The corners of my mouth curled visibly above my scarf, and I darted forward. There were several cries of alarm and shock as I zipped towards the princess and Elements. The cyan jock even tried to intercept me (good reflexes, by the way) but I easily evaded her and hit my target.

Twilight Sparkle gave a small gasp as I scooped her into a hug and swept her into the air, laughing like an idiot and rubbing my cheek against her own. "Sparky!" I cried happily. "Where've ya been? I haven't seen you for so long!"

She took a sharp intake of breath as she finally got a clear look at my face. "...Mr. Wordsworth?" she breathed in disbelief.

"Were we ever gonna build that book fort?" I grinned.

She began to hyperventilate before she flung her forelegs around my neck, nearly knocking me out of the air. She squealed. "Mr. Wordsworth! It really is you! You're real!"

Déjà vu was just as cute the second time around.

"Hey, Sparks, it's good to see you again." I patted her on the withers, and her grasp on me threatened to choke me out. "It was lonely in the library without ya coming to see me."

"That was really you?" She squealed and put her hooves to her muzzle. "I can't believe it! All this time, I knew that you had historically existed! But to think you were so close all along. It's incredible!" Twilight's eyes sparkled as an untold number of theories were suddenly created and/or proven about my existence. Aww... that was just so adorable...

"Hey! What do you think you're doing with Twi?! Get down here, you dumb, ugly creep!"

We both looked down to see the blue one being held back by her tail by apple pony. Blue pony looked like she was about to shatter her teeth by how hard she was grinding them together.

I glanced at Twilight, eyebrow cocked. "Friend of yours?"

She blushed. "Yeah... Rainbow can be a bit... overprotective."

"Never really thought you’d be friends with a jock."

Her head whipped up. "Rainbow Dash is not a..." She trailed off and hung her head. "Okay, yes, she is, but she's also a really sweet filly and a good friend, too!"

Rainbow struggled more to get loose, but apple pony clamped down with her teeth harder and refused to let go. The rest of the Elements watched me anxiously, and Celestia eyed the two of us warily, looking like she was going to jump in at a moment's notice. Sure, you do that and make the whole situation even worse.

"Dang it, Booker! Would you put my daughter down before you drop her?"

Twilight snapped her head to look out at the crowd. "Dad?!" she cried.

Night Light pushed his way out from the masses and glared up at me. "Don't make me come up there, Booker! Bring my daughter back down now!" His horn started to glow threateningly. Velvet was by his side, smiling cheekily up at me but not saying a word.

"ZUN, Night Light," I muttered. "You make it seem like I've got four left legs." I jerked my chin at the two. "Shall we?"

"Um... okay?"

Twilight squealed again as the two of us dropped out of the air, decelerating right before we hit the floor. I was a lot better at controlling my falls when I wasn't part of a huge pile of pony parts. I let her down carefully and gave Night Light a sloppy salute.

"Delivered safely as ordered, sir!" I barked.

"I swear to Faust, Booker, I am going to wring your fat neck..."

"Now, now, Nighty, Teller can take care of her just fine." Velvet patted her husband on the neck and then focused on her daughter. She clapped her hooves. "Eee! Twily, isn't it amazing? He's actually here!"

"Mom!" Twilight said. "You knew Mr. Wordsworth was alive?"

"Of course we knew, sweetie. Teller's been staying at our place for the last few days."

Twilight goggled. "And you didn't think to tell me the greatest source of information of the Classical era except for Princess Celestia and Luna, not to mention someone who I thought was just my imaginary friend, was living in our house?" The more she talked, the more screechy her voice got until it was nearly a shriek.

"Well you had just saved Equestria again, dear. We thought it best to let you rest."

Twilight's eyes twitched, and several locks of hair in her mane and tail sproinged out of place. I couldn't resist.

I bent over and pinched her cheeks. "Oh, you are so cute. I'm going to take you home and feed you books until your brain is too big for your skull."

She pushed my hands away and slapped her cheeks. "That's scientifically impossible. The pony brain cannot grow to those proportions naturally without-" She suddenly stopped and stared at me, eyes widening and jaw dropping. "Did you say 'books?'"

I grinned and nodded. "Lots of books. Especially ones you haven't ever seen bef-"

I now had the world's cutest face hugger wrapped around my head. "Books..." she whispered greedily. "Show me your books..."

All around us I could hear whispered conversation. The rest of the audience had finally gained enough of their wits to start speculating about what was going on. Some wondered if I was some dignitary from a strange, foreign country. Other guessed I was some experiment of the princess that had escaped from the alchemist quarters. And still others just thought I was the weirdest hallucination brought about by spoiled food ever.

Those were all fine; at least they weren't immediately accusing me of being some pony-eating monster that ascended from Tartarus to suck out all their magic and souls.

That would be silly. Also: stupid Classical era culture.

One voice rose above the rest - a cultured, effeminate voice with just the barest (ok, more than that) hint of histrionics.

"Pardon my manners, but I just have to ask - what in Celestia's name is going on here?!"

Twilight ripped herself from my face and blushed profusely. From behind her, I could see the other Elements watching with bated breath and a look of minor exasperation mixed in. Even in the face of possible danger, they were used to the unicorn's quirks. "Uh, erm, I... think I may have gotten a bit over-excited there."

I chuckled. "No, but seriously, all the books when this is over."

"I'll hold you to that," she murmured dangerously. She leapt down from me and trotted forward towards the throne and her friends. She coughed. "Erm, girls, Princess, I'd like to introduce you to my... um, friend, Mr. Wordsworth."

"Yeah, but only she..." I pointed at Twilight. "Can call me that. The rest of you can call me Booker."

"Why are you here, Booker?" Celestia asked warily.

Twilight looked up, surprised. "Princess, you know Mr. Wordsworth, too?"

"We are... acquaintances from a long time ago." Pff, as if you could even call us that. She shook her head, her flowing mane drifting in an non-existent breeze. "But I still require an answer, Booker? Why did you crash into my castle and in the process injure my guards?"

I didn't really feel the need to answer her question, but saw that it would just bring more trouble if I played hardball. I shrugged. "They saw me over in the gardens talking with Discord. Thought I was trying to free him or something."

The hall went silent at the implication. Celestia raised her head. "And were you?"

I couldn't help it. I laughed. The ponies recoiled at the harshness in it. "Ahhh... that's a good one." I wiped away the tears in my eye. "No way would I do that. Just because he inadvertently broke me out doesn't mean I'm gonna ruin Sparky's hard work. No, no... I was just giving him an educational lesson."

Her eyebrows rose. "And that is?"

"Why, about friendship, of course!"

She grimaced and put a hoof to her forehead. "Why do I even try to have an intelligent conversation with you? It only ever results in headaches for me."

"Maybe if you'd pull your muzzle out of your plot long enough, you'd realize how much you're missing out on."

There was a rolling gasp at my insolence throughout the audience room.

"Mr. Wordsworth!" Twilight said, scandalized. "That's the princess!"

"Sure as Tartarus ain't my princess," I said, glad to not have a spear chucked at my head mid-sentence this time. Though by the looks of the throngs of guards beginning to fill out the room and escort the other guests out, it wouldn't be for long.

Celestia's patience looked like it was running thin. "Just what is it that you want, Booker?"

"Really, Celestia, you'd think that after leaving me to rot in stone for over three thousand years you'd be a bit more torn up about it." I sneered, my rage beginning to boil up again. "But I guess that's how you always were, conceited and self-centered to the end."

"What do you want?"

"Oh, not much," I shrugged. "Stretch my legs a bit, see how my godchildren were doing, read a few good books..." I gripped my scarf hard, knuckles whitening and popping from the stress. "And kick your mangy plot to the Eternal Sea and back."

"Mr. Wordsworth...?"

Celestia straightened. Her eyes begin to blaze, losing their motherly appeal and returning to the flames I once knew so well. "And what makes you think I'd allow you to do that?"

"You two, stop..."

"Funny thing about being sealed away and forgotten for millennia. You get angry and bitter. And the longer it lasts, the worse it becomes. It festers, like a wound that just grows more and more septic the longer you go without someone to talk to, someone to hold, someone who'll reach out a hand out to you."

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Twilight back away from me, apprehension starting to register on her face. It hurt, but I'd gone too long without this, and I needed to get it all out or else it would consume me from the inside. I would make her, all of them, understand later. But for now... this was what I had to do.

I raised my hand, palm outstretched upward. "It turns into a ticking time-bomb, and unless defused by the right hands, it'll cause nothing but untold death and destruction." A large black orb, about the size of a basketball, appeared in my upturned hand. On its front, connected by various, differently colored wires, was an analog clock with the minute hand at five minutes and the hour hand non-existent.

"You wronged me, Celestia, and I will have my due." I raised my voice until it boomed across the room, causing any ponies that were entering or exiting to stop in their tracks. "I am Booker the Kotodama, Youkai of the Word, Keeper of Knowledge, and Alien Extraordinaire. I challenge you, Celestia, to a Spell Card battle. The stakes?"

The second hand ticked down.

"Everything."