//------------------------------// // III: I Can't See the Cigs...But I Can Taste Them // Story: ...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here // by TailsIsNotAlone //------------------------------// "Ugh," I swallow hard. "Are you sure I'm blue, Rainbow? ‘Cuz I feel pretty green right about now." "Sorry, squirt. I guess I took us down here a little too fast. So you really don't remember how to fly at all, huh?" "I never had wings before today, Rainbow." "But…you're Snowdrop." "Stop saying that!" I bark impatiently. “Geez. Sor-RY.” She talked about that the whole way down. What a big deal Snowdrop was, how she was friends with a princess and made winter special. I was lost—how do you make snowflakes? Never mind, how do other pegasi make the weather? Is everything here done manually? And I thought the transmission on my old Corvette was a headache. My wings itch. I rub them against my sides. "Look, I didn’t mean to shout. This is just a lot to take in. Who's this super-smart friend of yours we’re gonna see?" "Twilight Sparkle. She's the biggest egghead I know. If anypony can figure out what the heck's going on here, she's the one. Come on, um, this way." She puts one of her wings across my back to guide me forward. It’s a nice gesture. Feels good too, but I hate being so helpless. It’s not me. I always went my own way and didn’t need anyone’s help to do it either. I was smoking at 14, drinking at 16, marrying at 18, and I blocked 300-pound defensive linemen for fun. I made a crapload of mistakes, but they were mine. Now…hell, why keep whining about it? You know the drill: I’m blind, weak, and most likely under legal smoking age. It is what it is and I have to go with it. Tell you one thing, I really hope there’s some mistake and I’m not using the body of a long-dead pony, ‘cause that gives me the heebie-jeebies. “Almost there,” Rainbow says. “…Oh, no.” “What?” Her wings go stiff. So do mine. Something’s about to happen— HRRRRRAAAAAOOOOOOHHHH. As I find out later, this is the sound of an entire mobile horn section going off directly in one’s face. “WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME, a fine welcome to you WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME, I say, how do you do?” Another blast of music. What’s happening? Who’s the crazy girl singing to me?! I feel Rainbow moving from my side to my front. “Stay behind me, kid.” “WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME, I say hip hip hooray! WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME to Ponyville, toooo-daaaaaaaay!” “Wait, Pinkie. Not the cake!” Rainbow cries out. BOOM. SPLAT. “Rainbow! Are you okay? What the hell just happened?” “It’s my Welcome Wagon, silly filly!” the singing girl says to me. I’m not scared exactly, just overwhelmed by the pure joy in this pony’s voice. There really is nothing in the whole world she would rather be doing than welcoming me to her town. “Looks like I put the confetti in the oven and the cake in the confetti cannon. Oopsy gloopsy!” I hear Rainbow spitting out cake batter. “Yeah. Again. Listen, Pinkie Pie, there’s something you should know about.” ”Hhhhhuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!” Pinkie gasps in shock. “You’re Chillydropper! I mean, Fallsnowy! I mean, Flakey McBlinderson! I mean…” “Snowdrop,” I sigh. “But not really. See, there’s--” “Oh…my…GOODNESS!” the pony gets even more excited than a second ago, if that’s possible. “First ever RESURRECTION PARTY! I gotta get ready!” ZOOM. A sudden wind blows my mane and tail sideways. I think that means she’s gone. I turn back to Rainbow. “This is getting out of hand.” “Is that a minotaur expression or something?” A door opens somewhere in front of us—about 11 o’clock, I think--and another new voice rings out. “Rainbow Dash? What in Celestia’s name is going on out here?! I’m trying to study the potential of the Hoggs-Bison Particle.” “Yeah, sorry Twi. We ran into Pinkie and…anyway, there’s somepony I think you’ll want to meet,” Rainbow says cautiously. “Jay? This is Twilight Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle, Jay.” “Weird name,” I stare in her direction. “You another hippie?” Right away this pony sounds extremely curious. Friendly and well-meaning but the kind I should watch my words around. “A hippie? What’s that? Where are you from, Jay? You do look familiar.” Uh-oh… “Never mind that, Twi. Can we come in?” Rainbow to the rescue again! “I really need to wash this stuff off.” “Oh…of course. Follow me!” Finally, a quiet place. That’s my first thought when Rainbow leads me into the library. It smells like old books as you’d expect, and wood, and a little bit like burnt toast. Someone shuts the door behind us and my skin tingles just a little under my coat, pins and needles. Rainbow said Twilight is a unicorn, and they can use magic to move stuff around. Is that what it feels like? I didn't ask too many questions. The whole thing is too far out for me. “Feel free to sit down anywhere,” Twilight chirps. “There’s a table in the middle of the room, and our books are on the walls. Some of them can be read by touch if you’re interested.” It's safe to say she doesn't recognize me yet, so she must have figured out I’m blind just by watching me. Smart pony. I don't know their version of Braille, but I keep that to myself. She'll spend all day teaching it to me otherwise. “Thanks,” I take my first careful steps into the room. Keeping track of four legs isn’t easy, but when I go really slow and don’t over-think it, my body seems to know what to do. I put two tottering hooves in front of the others until I feel the table nudging my chest. Found it! I have to crack a smile at that. There don’t seem to be any chairs, but I guess ponies wouldn’t need them as much as humans do. “Good job squirt!” Rainbow says from someplace higher up. “Oh, Rainbow,” Twilight chuckles. “I’m sure Jay is used to finding her own way around by now!” “Heh heh…yeah, sure. Well, I’m gonna wash off in the bathroom real quick. If you need me, just yell up the stairs!” A door shuts, but I can still hear her up there. “Dang it. I hate getting sticky stuff in my wings…” I relax a bit. That girl is a headache sometimes, but she’s been looking out for me ever since I got here. Or since she almost killed me, at least. “Don’t worry, we’ll be okay ‘til she gets back,” Twilight is tense. I know she can hardly wait to start questioning me. “Would you like anything to drink?” Huh? Would I like anything to… Oh God. Would I. So much weird stuff has been going on I didn’t realize how thirsty I am. And hungry! Damn, could I go for a bacon cheeseburger and cola right about now. Eating or drinking makes this real, warns a little voice at the back of my head. You can’t bullshit yourself anymore after that. That’s true, but I’m just too hungry to care. “Now that you mention it,” I take a deep breath, trying not to sound pitiable. “I’m starving.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------ “Mmmm. MMMMMMM. Oh, wow,” I pause between greasy bites and shake my head in disbelief. “Are you sure this is hay?” “Yes! Isn’t it great?” Twilight answers. “Maybe it’s not the freshest out there, but the ponies at The Hayburger sure know how to cook it! Thank you again for picking these up, Rainbow Dash.” “No kidding! It’s almost as good as real me--” I stop myself, just barely. On second thought, saying I’ve had meat in a society of plant-eaters just might be an issue. “Real what?” Rainbow asks with her mouth full. "Yes, Jay," Twilight. "What were you going to say?" “Uh, real me…me…” I take a long, desperate slurp from my straw while I struggle to think of something... “Miak! Authentic Bulgarian miak. Really good this time of year.” “Bul-gar-ree-ah?” Twilight says carefully. “I’ve never heard of a place like that in Equestria. Is that where you’re from, Jay?” I pause and look toward Rainbow. Partly I’m unsure, partly I don’t even want to get into it. I’m itching for my traditional post-meal smoke, but I can resist. I kept the habit secret from Beth for years, after all. “Go ahead, Jay. Twi is cool. You can trust her, I promise.” The librarian is practically vibrating now. “Trust me with what? What??” “Geez, settle down! The thing is…you probably have ways of knowing who lives where and if a pony is…real, or not. But right now I need you to take my word for it,” I swallow hard. Those burgers are sitting pretty heavy at the moment. “I’m not from Equestria. I’m not from this world. And I wasn’t even a pony until today.” I guess I was expecting her to be scared, or to not believe me at all. Instead, she’s excited. She wants to know everything about me, most of which I can answer, and about this Snowdrop, none of which I can answer. And when I run out of important stuff to say, it’s down to the basement for what she calls “just a few quick tests.” Never believe any doctor or scientist who says this; you’ll be stuck there all day. She gives me a ponygraph (her word for it), puts something on my head that feels like a metal salad bowl, scrapes off a tiny piece of my hoof and studies it under a microscope, and I don’t know what all. “Are we done yet?” I groan after what feels like hours. “Hmmm. Just about. Let me compile my data for a second,” Twi rummages with some instruments on her lab table. “Rainbow, put that down, please.” “Aww Twi, I’m just lookin’ at it.” “That’s an antique violin! Princess Celestia told me that Perfect Pitch herself once played on it.” “Okay, okay…” Poor Rainbow sounds bored out of her mind. Seconds later, a really sour note vibrates through the room. A rustle as Twi turns around again. “Rainbow!” “What?? I didn’t do it!” she says mischievously. “Jay, did you see me touch the violin?” “Nope,” I grin. “Didn’t see a thing.” “Honestly, you two.” Twilight huffs as we burst out laughing. Damn! It feels good to laugh again. For the first time I forget that I have eyes I can’t see with, hooves I can barely walk on, wings I can’t fly with yet. With ponies…people like this, it doesn’t really matter. I’m happy to be here. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ “So…you’re a dragon.” “Yep.” “Mm-hm. How’s that working out for you?” “Pretty good. They treat me just like anypony else.” Spike sounds receptive but cagey, unsure of whether to trust me. I find myself using the same tone. “Cool. So where were you today?” “Rarity’s,” a reverent note creeps into his voice. “Helping her pick out some gems.” “She’s, like, the fashion pony around here, right?” “Yep.” Wood squeaks as he jumps onto the railing of the balcony. “Where were you?” “Cloudsdale, then here. Twilight asked me to stay overnight for more tests in the morning. It’s a hassle, but it’s not like I have anyplace else to stay.” We take in a few more minutes of the Ponyville night air. It smells great. Not like Minneapolis, that’s for sure. “So…you’re a hu-min.” “Yep. Or I was, before I woke up here.” “How’s that working out for you?” I smirk. “Jury’s still out, but it’s better than dying. I’ll say that.” “Whoa! You died?” “I don’t know. Maybe.” “…How?” “Tell you later, kid. It’s not bedtime story material.” He growls a little. “Hey! You’re just a filly yourself, okay?” “Yeah, and I was a human for 37 years before that, okay?” “Well, Twilight says she can’t confirm that yet. So don’t go around acting like a big shot.” Man, this runt is getting on my nerves. Now I really need a smoke. I reach into my mane and find the pack still there. I’m learning that I can sort of grip stuff with hooves, just not as well as I could when I had hands. "Hey Spike. So you're a dragon, huh? I bet you can't light one of these with your breath." "Just watch me!" he says confidently. Double take as he remembers I can’t. "Sorry." "Don't worry about it. Just aim carefully." Whoosh, goes a sudden flash of heat at the end of my hoof. I jump a little, but he didn’t burn me. I bring the cigarette closer and sniff it. Lit! Hallelujah. Maybe he isn’t so bad. “Wow, it stinks!” Spike complains. “What is that thing?” “Medicine,” I say vaguely. I cough on the first drag but not as much as before. Man, that’s good. “It’s complicated.” “Ugh. If that’s the cure, I hope I never get the disease.” He watches me until I finish. I almost flick it over the railing like I would in my apartment at home, but on second thought… “Spike, do one more thing for me? Burn up the rest of it. Make sure there’s nothing left.” “Gladly,” he mutters. There are some things these ponies don’t need to know about.