“Ponyville Police Department, what is your--”
“WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY!”
“Rookie?”
“OH DEAR CELESTIA, I DID IT NOW!”
“Whoa, whoa, chillax. What happened?”
“You, uh, remember the… the parasprite incident.”
“You mean that one that resulted in me going bald just a day ago and destroyed most of the HQ along with the town?”
“Yeah, that one.”
“Nope, doesn’t ring a bell.”
“Damn, Gumdrops, you should really go to a specialist if you don’t remember all of that. Like, I remember you crying and weeping and attempting to use me as a pony-shield against the parasprites while shouting ‘Take him, take him, I’m too young to die!’ And then we both started crying while the paraspri--”
“Yes, rookie, I remember. What did you do?”
“Oh, right. Well, like, I figured out who was behind the parasprite infestation.”
“Twilight Sparkle?”
“Whoa, Gumdrops, how’d you know?”
“I’m psychic.”
“Oh yeah? Well, did you know she used a spell--”
“That caused all the parasprites to gain the ability to eat just about anything? Yeah, I do.”
“Gumdrops, you’re totally blowing my mind right now!”
“...You never read case files, do you?”
“What’s a case file? Also, what’s reading?”
“Just… forget it. What did you do?”
“I arrested Twilight Sparkle.”
“Pardon me, I do believe something incredibly stupid flew into my ear and has clogged my hearing. I’m switching you to my other ear. Repeat that.”
“I arrested Twilight Sparkle.”
“Yep, happened again. Now I am deaf. Deaf due to idiocy.”
“SHOULD I CALL AT ANOTHER TIME THEN?!”
“Oh Celestia, I think one of my eardrums popped.”
“DO I NEED TO REPEAT THE QUESTION?!”
“No, rookie, just shut up. Please. Now, how’d you even arrest her?”
“I told her she was under arrest ‘cause of the entire, y’know, parasprite thingy. She didn’t oblige. I accidentally whacked her. With my nightstick. Repeatedly. For resisting arrest. Repeatedly. Now she’s unconscious.”
“How did you accidentally whack her repeatedly?”
“Well, first I lifted up my nightstick, then I went all ‘Wham!’ along with a little ‘Pow!’ and finished it off with a good ol’ fashioned ‘Resisting arrest! Backup, backup! You have the right to remain silent, creep!’ and that’s when things got messy.”
“Is she… still unconscious?”
“She’s not responding to prods from my nightstick to her eye, so I do believe so.”
“Okay. You remember the ‘illegal medical goods’ housed in the evidence locker at HQ?”
“You mean the stuff that’s not actually used for medical purposes?”
“Yeah, that. Get some, sprinkle it on her while she’s out of her, book her in for a misdemeanor, slam the book in her face with the threat of a felony, then throw her out when she complies to not press charges over what you did previously.”
“Wow, Gumdrops, it sounds like you’ve done this a lot of times before.”
“...Suuuuure, let’s go with that.”
“Imma do that right now.”
“Also, rookie.”
“Yeeeeeeeeeees?”
“Don’t use any of the illegal medical goods yourself.”
“Gosh, Gumdrops, I’d never… I’m actually hurt you think i’d do something like that. Hurt and shocked. Mostly shocked. And a little bit of hurt. Oh, also, some shame thrown in there as well. Not on me, but on you, mostly for thinking I’d ever possibly use that stuff to my own devices on my couch while watching tv and eating a sandwich.”
“Just get a move on.”
“You gots it, Dropsy.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Awww.”