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(See primary description for new spoiler alert as of March 2015.)
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Five Lightning Round
Here, all the fights are settled without a boring analysis.
Ten fighters!
All action!
No research!
Lightning Round!
Start the clock and... Go!
(Capes and Hats)
---Cybersix vs. Mare-Do-Well---
The full moon shines upon a clock tower. Its shadow cloaks the presence of two dark figures on a nearby rooftop. One looks like it's standing with a cape flapping behind. The other purrs slightly while looking around with golden eyes.
"What say we do one more sweep of the city before calling it a night?" asks the caped figure.
The crouching figure growls before pouncing toward the next rooftop. The first jumps along swiftly after it. Enough time in the moonlight reveals to the audience that they are a woman wearing a dark hat and cape, and a black panther. But the distance that they are covering in a few leaps is ridiculously far.
Suddenly, the panther stops. It growls at a nearby, rooftop window. The woman leans down next to it.
"Why is this open?" she quietly wonders. She stands up and cracks her knuckles. "Cover me."
She leaps straight down through the open window. The panther looks around a couple times before hopping through the same entrance. The natural, lesser light shows the duo crouched in the middle of this warehouse. Suddenly, five lights shine flash on, one after the other. They reveal caped figures of the purple and quadruped variety.
"An ambush!" exclaims the woman.
Enemy Advantage!
Showtime!
One of the Mare-Do-Wells jumps forth from her vantage. Data7 the panther lets out a roar as he pounces to match the enemy's position. They get into a tussle and barrel into a few of the empty crates.
Meanwhile, two other Mare-Do-Wells trot around in a circle as they eye Cybersix. She glances around between them. Her arms are held up in a default guard position. One of the ponies gallops forth and swings a front leg around. Cybersix quickly grabs said leg and flips that Mare-Do-Well into a chokehold. The other Mare-Do-Well gallops in as Cybersix jumps up. A powerful buck from the free pony is met with a flurry of high-heel kicks. The biped finishes her move by throwing the pony in her grasp right into the other pony's back. Both Mare-Do-Wells let out a yelp as they are sent flying into a wall.
The first Mare-Do-Well is throwing her hooves every which way she can. The dark panther is getting punched and kicked from so many angles. But finally, he's had enough. Data7 bares his retractable claws and lashes away at his attacker. Several scratches are made visible in Mare-Do-Well's costume as she gets pushed back. Finally, Data7 bites hard against the pony's head and twists her neck until it cracks. She doesn't throw any more punches from her position on the floor.
Out of nowhere, a fourth Mare-Do-Well zooms in and collides with the panther. The camera takes great care to zoom in on her costumed wings. She slams him against a metal support beam. The cat yelps in pain before trying to slash its new foe. However, Mare-Do-Well flies just out of reach.
Distracted by his flying prey, Data7 is in just the right position for a fifth Mare-Do-Well to quietly sneak up on his blind spot. Her hat floats off as magenta magic flows from her horn. A similar aura surrounds the panther as it lifts him up. He scrambles his limbs, trying to free himself from the unnatural levitation. But, it isn't doing anything except spinning him around.
Cybersix gasps as she notices the newest pony. She runs toward her as fast as she can. But three cracks in some vital points stop the panther from growling and struggling. In fact, his open eyes can't seem to see much of anything by this point.
"Data7, no!" Cybersix cries out.
The unicorn Mare-Do-Well turns her sights and her magic on the remaining opponent. But the standing woman has a different plan. Cybersix quickly grabs one of the wings of the pegasus Mare-Do-Well and yanks her down. The magic bolt ends up striking that Mare-Do-Well and she ends up flying into the metal bar, conking her head before sliding to the floor.
The remaining Mare-Do-Well is distraught at having attacked her friend, even if unintentionally. Cybersix takes advantage of this emotional distraction by quickly running over. She delivers a flurry of fist punches likes she's never punched before. The unicorn takes the full punishment.
After a few seconds, Cybersix grabs Mare-Do-Well by the collar. In a fit of frustration, she dropkicks the pony straight through the warehouse's wall and into the starry sky.
Astral Finish!
This round's winner is... Cybersix.
(More Equal Than Others)
---Isabella "Ivy" Valentine vs. Starlight Glimmer---
A pinkish, purplish unicorn sits on a generic villain throne. She looks bored out of her mind. She's already got an entire village that shares in her equal cutie mark-ness. Now if her network would just get off their butts and release her spotlight already, everything would be perfect.
"Waaaaah!"
Her eyes open wide. One of the stallions in her village suddenly goes flying past her head. She doesn't get a good look at him, but she's pretty sure a non-pegasus pony isn't supposed to be able to fly like that. A few of her "guards" also fly in before collapsing on the floor.
"Sloppy," comments a new woman's voice, "Very sloppy."
The newcomer appears to be something that walks on twos, carries an abnormally overpowered sword, and shows her age not in her face, but in her breasts. The sight disgusts the villain pony enough to stand up and huff. She'll show anypony and anything that no one is more equal than her.
"You'll make a fine addition to the equation," says the pony out loud.
"What? Shall I whip you as well, little horse?" asks the woman rhetorically.
The wheel of fate is turning.
Strike!
Starlight Glimmer shoots forth a few magic bolts that look they're composed of mathematical symbols. Ivy Valentine twirls around and avoids each of the incoming projectiles.
"Behave!" she shouts.
A flick of Ivy's wrist alters her sword into a huge whip-like snake sword. It extends forth and smacks Starlight upside the head. It wraps around her neck and pulls her in close.
"Does it hurt?" asks Ivy mockingly as her weapon chokes the air out of the pony's throat.
Starlight's eyes and horn flash blue for a second. Suddenly, two magical walls close in on either side of the combatants. It can't be... but it is! It's the powerful Absolute Value Spell! The walls quickly close the gap between themselves and... squish both of the combatants into a gooey paste.
...
Well, I'm sure the animators can draw a new Starlight Glimmer for the Season 5 premiere. ... Right?
Twin Fatality!
This round is... a double kill.
(Sure You Can)
---Ryu vs. Applejack---
"I'm not going to hold back," says the wandering fighter while adjusting his headband.
"I ain't budging. You move," demands the pony while wiping a hoof against her hat.
Round 3!
Fight!
Ryu curves his hands forth. "Hadouken!"
Applejack jumps over the energy ball and gallops forth. A few low tail sweeps are matched with Ryu's low kicks. Ryu tries his High-Level Leg Blade Kick, but it only creates a loud bang in collision with Applejack's power buck.
Ryu jumps up and spins around with his foot extended. "Tatsumaki Senpukyaku!"
Applejack pulls out a lasso and launches the loop around the airborne opponent. Ryu yelps as he's suddenly pulled shoulder-first into the ground. She then turns around and around, dragging the rope's captive with her. He gets sent flying into the barn that proceeds to crumble and collapse in a pile of debris on top of him.
"Consarn it! Not again!" Applejack cries out at the damage to yet another barn.
K.O.!
This round's winner is... Applejack.
(Mole-rat vs. Rabbit)
---Rufus vs. Angel Bunny---
A mole-rat scampers across a field. He looks high and low for a specific Ron Stoppable, but with no luck. He suddenly smells something good. He looks over and sees a macadamia nut cookie. He licks the edges of his mouth in excitement.
But just as he scurries along and finds himself atop that particular cookie, an unexpected rabbit's head collides with his own. He grumbles and mutters a bunch of gibberish while waving his little front limb around. The rabbit counters with a silent wiggle of its front paw. Looks like there's only one way to settle this.
Be tough or be dead.
Begin!
Rufus scampers up and zips around all over the bunny's body. Angel squeals out while wildly patting himself down. One of his back-paw slaps manages to send the naked mole-rat for a tumble.
Several carrots are suddenly launched from Angel's person. I don't know where he got the carrots, but let's ignore that detail for the glorious rain of carotene. Muahahahahaha! Look at that mole-rat run every which way. He catches his breath behind a fence post.
The screen briefly cuts to widescreen bars. Rufus leaps forth with what sounds like a "Hi-ya" coming out of his mouth. A tumble between the two critters goes on to the right of the screen. Just as the camera pans over, it looks like Rufus has tied Angel up in a pretzel knot.
Rufus sits down and enjoys munching on that cookie.
Finish!
This round's winner is... Rufus.
(Play Nice)
---Tails Doll vs. Smarty Pants Doll---
An old version of a disembodied right-handed glove floats through a bedroom. It floats into an open toy chest. After a couple of yanks, a robotic doll in the shape of a fox and a patched up doll in the vague shape of a pony with pants fall onto the desk. The glove floats up and starts counting down from "five".
This ought to be a match to remember.
Engage!
Tails Doll uses Stare!
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Smarty Pants Doll uses Stare!
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Tails Doll uses Camera-Zoom-In Stare!
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Smarty Pants Doll uses Zoom-In-With-Camera Stare!
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Tails Doll's stare literally shakes the camera.
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Smarty Pants Doll's stare is making the camera visibly shake.
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It's so intense! Who's going to give in?
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Cream the Rabbit walks into the room and hugs the Tails Doll.
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Big Macintosh trots into the room before snatching up the Smarty Pants Doll and loving it.
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Apocalyptic!
Who won? Who's next? You decide!
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