The Derpy Report

by Owlor

Rarity

A spool of thread was rolling out trough the diamond-shaped cat-flap of Carousel Boutique while Derpy looked at it with curious eyes. The door flung open and Rarity greeted her from within.

“Why, hello Derpy!” she said, then pointed towards the spool. “Will you be a dear and fetch that for me? I'm working on something at the moment.”

“Sure!”

She fetched it and went inside the boutique where she was met with an apocalypse of fabrics and ribbons. Unlike the clutter over at Pinkie Pie’s place, this was a less random kind of chaos. There were no fake mustaches or alligator bathing suits lying around, just a whole lot of textiles and accessories.

“Is it going well?” Derpy asked as she studied the chaotic interior.

“No, it is NOT going well!” Rarity lamented. She dove into a pile of parchments and tartan-patterned fabric. “A thousand years of fashion history, tens of thousands of styles, and I can't figure out the right one for this dress. It is a calamity, a catastrophe!” She rustled around inside the heap, looking for her sketches.

“Oh, is it important?” Derpy asked to the pile and Rarity shot up from under it. Spools and sewing-threads flew up in the air and rained down across the room. The sketches was still missing.

“Yes, it is important!” Rarity exclaimed. “I just got an invitation from Fancypants to a competitive fashion show, and I got to make a good impression. I don't want them to see me as some sort of rustic Ponyville curiosity, so I need a dress that can razzle them, dazzle them and stun them with its beauty, and I need it THIS weekend!”

“Oh my!” Derpy exclaimed and tried to figure out what ‘razzle’ was and why you wanted a dress to do it. “Can I help you with something?”

“No!” Rarity exclaimed, a little too forcefully. “I mean, I don't really need more of a mess right now, I have quite enough already.” A stray button dropped down from the ceiling as she spoke.

Tears were welling up in Derpy’s eyes at the harsh rejection.

“I'm sorry...” she whimpered. “I just wanted to help!”

Rarity heard the remorse in Derpy's voice and calmed down a bit.

“That's alright, darling,” she said, holding up two fabric samples against each other. “This may look like chaos, but it is actually very organized.“ She looked at the fabrics she held up with her magic, then levitated them closer to Derpy.

“Hmmm, maybe you could help me after all. It could be useful to see how the fabric looks on an actual, living pony rather than a mannequin!”

“Hooray, I'll be a living mannequin!” Derpy announced with a smile.

“Yes... something like that,” Rarity agreed, though she looked at Derpy curiously.

Eventually, Rarity found her initial sketches. She put them up on her work board and started working on the actual dress. She draped a stiff, plaid fabric over Derpy and looked at the results with a critical eye.

“It doesn't quite have the right fall,” she remarked. “I should try something else.” She did the same thing with a softer fabric and soon she was putting together something that at least resembled the outlines of a dress.

She had a pincushion with rather large, but elegant, needles and pins that she used to piece the fabric together. Every time she picked up another pin, Derpy shifted slightly.

“It is alright to talk while I work, dear,” Rarity reminded her.

Derpy breathed a sigh of relief. “What do you like so much about Canterlot?” she asked.

“Why, Canterlot is the place where all the important ponies are, of course. The ones that make all the important decisions.”

“Like the mayor?” Derpy asked, trying to avoid a long pin. “She makes a lot of important decision, doesn't she?”

Rarity struggled to focus on the discussion with her mind filled with sewing patterns and unrealized dress outlines.

“Mmmh... yes,” she said. “But that is Ponyville. Canterlot is a bit different. Let's put it like this, if every city in Equestria was a body-part, Canterlot would be the head. Every part is important of course, but a pony can't live without a head.”

“So, if Canterlot is the head... what would Ponyville be, then?” Derpy asked. Rarity thought about this question for a while.

“The pineal gland,” she concluded.

Rarity continued her struggle with the dress. At this point, she had gone completely off the map. All her initial sketches had been crumbled up or scribbled over and she was making stuff up as she went along.

“No, it still doesn’t quite have it yet...” Rairty analyzed.

“Maybe it needs more ribbons?” Derpy suggested.

“Ribbons are so last year!”

“Flowers?”

“Too retro.”

“Neon-colored embroidery?”

“Not retro enough.”

“Glow-in-the-dark buttons?”

“Does that even exist?”

“I hope so!” Derpy said.

Rarity shook her head and sighed.

“I can’t just put anything I want on this! Sure, that might be avant-garde, but probably too eccentric for the judges. And I can't just do the same thing everypony else does, that’s just trend-hopping. And you can't be the second one doing a particular thing, either. That's just being a copycat.”

“So, you need to be the third one? “ Derpy asked, trying to follow along with the logic.

Rarity nursed the center of her forehead briefly and sighed before replying.

“I just need to put my own spin on what's popular at the moment, and it's very important that nopony else finds out what I'm planning, this can be quite a cut-throat industry. Now please hold still, I want to try a purple and pink checkered collar on this...” Rarity levitated a garish collar towards Derpy's neck followed by a couple of particularly large, scary pins.

A few tense moments with the pis later and the collar was in place. It seemed to perform some sort of fashionable magic that somehow made the dress complete. Rarity was pleased with the results and smirked as she studied her handiwork.

“Marvellous!” she said. “What do you think?”

“I can't move!” Derpy exclaimed. “Is that intentional?”

“Uhm... no,” Rarity said with a sheepish grin. “I suppose I made it a little bit too tight. I know just the thing!” She made a pair of scissors fly up and cut a slit in the fabric.

“There, now it's perfect! Hang on...” She made a pen fly up and draw a frantic sketch. When she was done, Derpy was allowed to struggle out of the dress.

“Thank you for your help!”

“No problem. Bye!”

Derpy crashed out of the boutique as Rarity started to sew the dress together. After every couple of inches, she pulled out one of the pins until they were all replaced by stitches. As she started to sew in the decorations, there was a knock on the door.

“Come in!” Rarity said, engrossed in her work.

“Hello, it's me,” Twilight said as she entered the shop.

“Oh, hello Twilight, what do you think of this new dress I am working on?” She made a gesture towards the dress and adjuster her glasses.

“It’s... fine...” Twilight said, making a weak attempt to be diplomatic. “It’ll really... uhm... stand out. Say, has Derpy been around here lately?”

“Why do you ask?” Rarity said, still sewing diligently.

“Derpy is acting strange. She's going around with a spoon conducting faux interviews. She has visited all of us at this point and we got together to talk about what she might be up to.

“We've ruled out insanity for the sake of argument. That leaves us with the theory that she’s probably writing some kind of 'zine or book about us, so you might not want to divulge too much personal information or anything you don't want ponies to know.”

Rarity suddenly dropped her sewing needle.

“Like for example having Derpy involved during every step of the making of my latest dress destined to make a huge splash at the fashion show? The design of which has to be kept secret at all costs, in case some other designer wants to copy it?” she asked.

“Yes, you should probably not do that,” Twilight suggested with a quizzical expression.