//------------------------------// // CH(-30): SAO Abridged CH1 // Story: Kingdom Hearts F.I.M: Rise of The Elements // by Spirit Shift //------------------------------// SAO: ABRIDGED VERSION!! Kirito entered his home, fresh from an entire day of trying to convince people to join him on the front line. “Honey, I’m hooome!” He patiently waited for the canned cheers in his head to calm down before he stepped into the living room and fell backwards on his couch. Asuna poked her head out of the kitchen and frowned. “Well if it isn’t the crowned King of Douchebag himself.” She walked into the room to join him on the couch.  “So how did it go? Did you find new members?” “Well, my queen, I believe that today was very productive. I got a lot done and it was a very relaxing experience.” “Oh my god who did you kill?!” Kirito turned to face her in mock shock. “Asuna! What would ever make you think that?” Asuna stood up. “Dammit Kirito now we’re gonna have to move again!” She yelled up the stairs. “Yui, don’t unpack yet!” “Goddamn it, Asuna I didn’t kill anyone. Plus, all my enemies are dead anyway.” Asuna gave him a blank deadpan look. “Oh really now? Forgive me if your track record convinces me otherwise.” “Asuna please. Track records are for people who get caught.” “I distinctly remember you killing several men point blank in the middle of town surrounded by a crowd of onlookers.” “It doesn't count if it’s self defense. If they struck the first blow I am well within my murderous rights. Know the law, Asuna.” “THEY WERE COMPLETELY UNARMED. BUT YOU STILL USED BOTH OF YOUR SWORDS TO KILL THEM!” “I’m sorry, I’m lost. What point were you trying to make again?.” Asuna sat a hand on her face. “Fine, Mr. Innocent. What did you do today?” “Finally something worth talking about!” Kirito thought back to earlier that day. Down in Lisbeth's basement. Silica sat her hands down. “I fold… again.” Both Klein and Tiffany put some chips forward, signalling their raise. Slamming his hand on the table, Kirito revealed his cards. “Royal Flush bitches!” Klein(Also known game wide as BallsDeep69) groaned in annoyance and revealed his full house. “Oh my god, dude. I swear you're cheating!” “BallsDeep, please. I am a professional. I would never do something so low as cheat.” “Oh really, because I don’t remember you having bright glowing yellow eyes.” Kirito scoffed. “Shows how much you know about me. “I’ll have you know that this is my natural eye color.” “I’ll have you know that you’re a terrible liar.” “I’ll have you know that I wasn’t really trying.” “I’ll have you know that you’re an asshole.” “I’ll have you know that I know that we both already know that.” Klein simply stared at him in response. “Heh. Game set and match.” He reached for the chips. “Now I’ll just go ahead and--” “Not so fast there, Kirito.” Across the table Tiffany(Also known as Thunder Lion, also known as Chocolate Axe) smirked as he set down his royal straight flush. “I think that I’ll just go ahead and take those.” He reached out and moved the chips out of Kirito’s reach. “What the hell! I was looking right through your cards! Where’d you get a royal straight from?” Tiffany picked up a single card and peeled off the back, revealing that he had a card stuck to the backs of each one of them. Kirito realized that he could only see the topmost card. “...You cheecky dickwaffle, that’s cheating!” “Ya don’t say. By the way, yer eyes’re smoking right about now.” True to Tiffany’s word there were billows of smoke floating up from both of Kirito’s eyes. Klein reeled back in horror. “Dude, doesn't that hurt?” “Ehh, I’ve been using this skill for so long I don’t even feel it anymore.” He sniffed at the air. “Actually smells pretty delicious.” There was a beat of silence, all three of the other players stared at Kirito with equal parts disgust and confusion. Finally, Klein broke the silence. “Kirito you’re a creepy motherfucker you know that?” “Is it wrong to want to enjoy the succulent tastes of ones own flesh. If nothing else, your own body might just be the food most fit for your own tastebuds.” “Tiffany I’m scared right now.” Tiffany gathered up the cards and began shuffling.“So Kirito when are you gonna tackle these last five floors huh?” “When I’m goddamn ready, Tiffany. No one wants to go with us and be meat shields.” “But didn’t that Kayaba Heathcliff person say that he’d be waitin?” Tiffany passed out the cards. “That bastard? He can sit there and rot on his throne for all I care. At this point we’re all just waiting to die.” Klein grimaced. “Dude don’t say that--” “But he’s right, Balls.” Everyone turned to look at the slumped forward and depressed form of Silica. Her eyes were glazed over and her voice was dark and monotone. “We’re all going to die eventually. They can’t keep us alive in the real world forever. And our families can’t afford to keep paying for the equipment. In fact there are so few of us now that we’re probably all locked up together in a warehouse hospital somewhere as comatose patients, completely forgotten by the whole of society. I bet that nobody even remembers us, that they’ve just moved on with life. They’re probably developing the new VRMMOs and using us as examples of what not to do and who not to trust. It’s only a matter of time before some of our parents and doctors give up and pull the plug as if we were brain dead vegetables that are just waiting for someone to put us out of our misery. In the end… we’re all fated to shatter and die.” Silica glanced down at her cards. Pushing a few chips forward she added, “I’ll raise.” There was another beat of silence as the other three players stared at her in horror and fear. “Tiffany I’m scared right now.” “Sweet merciful dickpunch Silica! What the fuck?! All I meant was that we’re all going to die by some random boss. You’re worse than I am.” “Yeah,” sighed Tiffany. “Hasn't quite been the same since she lost her little dragon friend.” “Well no she was fine the first time. It was after she lost her 4th best friend-little hamster-pet thing that she got like this.” Kirito checked the clock on his HUD. Standing up, he said, “Alright guys, I gotta go. If I don’t at least ask someone to help, Asuna’s gonna bitch at me.” “I still can’t believe that you got her to marry you,” sulked Klein. “It’s called charisma, Balls. Someday you might just understand.” “MY CHARISMA LEVEL IS WAY HIGHER THAN YOURS!” “But your alchemy level isn’t.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” “Let’s just say that when your alchemy level is high enough, you can synthesize anything.” “Anything?” Kirito pulled out a jar of pills from his coat and shook them. “Any-thing.” Back at the log cabin. “And then I came straight home!” finished Kirito. “Alright so was all that just a stupid way of telling me that you did absolutely nothing all day?” “Pfft, no! I won a few card games and got us this months rent money.” “Wait you haven't payed the rent yet?!” “Mama! Swordsman-kun!” Both of them turned to see Yui running into the room, excited. “Yui, who let you out of your cage? And why do you keep calling me that?” Yui fidgeted. “Mama told me not to associate myself with you outside of the house... or inside if i could help it.” Kirito turned to glare at Asuna. “Smart move. I personally wouldn’t want people to know that I was an adopted sentient NPC with no real power or usefulness. But being related to me is so much worse apparently.” “Yeah,” said Asuna, “it is.” She smiled at Yui. “So what’s got you so excited today?” “I saw a falling star!” Asuna cocked her head in confusion, but before she could say anything, she heard Kirito sigh. “So the time has come then,” he muttered, his voice low and serious. “The prophesied star of Amneiothep has completed its sacred rotation, and has come to bestow it’s glorious power upon us.” Asuna and Yui deadpanned at the classic Kirito gag. “Are you done?” Kirito scoffed. “Of course not. For you see, the star’s grand legend perfluates through the centuries, never once staying the same once told. It is my solemn duty to spread the correct version. The one true--” Down on the 10th floor. There was a column of light and the family appeared in the middle of town. Kirito took a look around. “And here we are in the slums of Aincrad. Complete with resident vultures, murderers, thieves, prostitutes, orange players and level ones.” Asuna sighed. “Alright. We get it, Ki--” Kirito let out a deranged chuckle. “I mean, despite being in the SAME game for over FIVE years, these worthless imbeciles are STILL level goddamn ONE!” His right eye began twitching. "It's frigging amazing actually. How does one go for--" Asuna had enough. “WE GET IT! SHUT UP!” Yui turned to Kirito and gave her a sad look. “I’m technically still level one… does that make me worthless?” Kirito gasped, “My god, Yui. No.” He leaned down to take Yui by the shoulders and look her in the eye. “Listen to me. You are an immortal object. Do you know what that means?” “Umm--” "Kirito..." Asuna warned. “It means that you are the worlds greatest shield, and no one can ever take that away from you. I could toss you into the mouth of a dragon and it would choke trying to eat you. I could throw you into a pit of lava to grab a rare item untouchable by normal means.” “KIRITO!” “I could even strap a handle to your back and… I could…” His eyes went wide with realization. “Oh my god!” “Kirito no!” He turned to look back at his wife. “But, Asuna!” “No!” He stood up. “Wait, just hear me out and think about it. We could--” “I SAID NO! FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, KIRITO! YOU ARE NOT USING OUR DAUGHTER AS AN IMMORTAL MEATSHIELD!” “Well technically she wouldn’t be a meatshield per-say!” Asuna reached for her blade and partially unsheathed it. Kirito instantly turned around. “Hey what’s that over there?” The three turned to the downed green ship. "That doesn't look like the gracious star of Anei... Amni- Whatever the hell I said before." Yui looked on in wide-eyed amazement. "I wonder what it is." Normal stuff happened. Don’t feel like changing the crowds lines here. Just imagine rape jokes and wingboners. Frantic and desperate, the crowd began to converge on the group, intent on stealing Pinkie’s Keyblade. Asuna looked on in terror. “Oh my god! What is wrong with everyone? We have to stop them?” Kirito laughed at her. “Stop them?! This is awesome! We haven't had a public disembowelment since the gold thief of floor 40!” Flicking his wrist, he cracked open his inventory and materialized a chair and some beer. “I’m gonna sit back and check this out!” “Kirito!” “FINE! Fine. But you owe me!” Dematerializing the objects, he instead brought out a large crystalline globe. Clicking a different button he materialized a red and black cap on his head. Muttering angrily, he then ran into the crowd. “Stupid aliens. Stupid girls, making me waste my items and shit…” Unable to hold herself back, Dash flared her glowing wings in an instinctive show of aggression. The sight of them caused everyone in the crowd to back off slightly, cautious over this new element. Their hesitance lasted just long enough for Kirito to act. He jumped high into the air. Turning his hat backwards he tossed the crystal globe. “GO POKEBALL!” The globe slammed against Dash’s head and knocked her out cold. Laughing his head off, Kirito landed beside her and picked up the globe. “I’m just kidding. Seriously, could you imagine? Anyway,” he held the globe high into the air. “Teleport: Home!” All six of them disappeared in a bright flash. Asuna lifted a smaller rectangular crystal with one hand while sighing deeply into the other. “Teleport: home,” she said wearily.”